The Executioner's Song (54 page)

they develop a reaction it takes them two or three months to get over it.

QUESTION Well, what did you use for medication after that didn’t

work, the Prolixin?

ANSWER I don’t think I used any medication after that at all.

QUESTION So he was just a problem then ….

ANSWER Just talking, we just talked.

QUESTION HOW did Gilmore himself respond to the Prolixin? I mean, when the side effects had hit him, how did he respond in his relationship with you.9

ANSWER Well, he was very unhappy with me, naturally. QUESTION He got paranoid about you, wouldn’t you say.9 ANSWER Oh, yes, yeah.

QUESTION He thought you were out to get him.

ANSWER Uh-huh, yes.

QUESTION Did you feel bad about the Prolixin, sort of like oh, Lord,

you know, what have I done?

ANSWER Well, I don’t like to see that type of reaction on anybody, and I certainly didn’t on Gary. The way it developed, though, I thought that we got along reasonably well after that.

QUESTION Aren’t you worried about Prolixin in the sense that you don’t really know? You’ve got a machine, which has two levers stick ing out of it. You walk up and push one lever in, and the other lever comes out at the other end of the machine. What goes on in the machine, you don’t know. Is that a fair description of its effects? That you can’t name the inner process that goes on?

ANSWER Well, there … well, I guess maybe you’re right. Really, we don’t know the direct effects of these antipsychotic drugs on the brain cells ….

Woods wasn’t at all certain that the Prolixin hadn’t done a real damage to Gary’s psyche. Whole fields of the soul could be defoliated and never leave a trace. Yet how did you convince a Jury? The medi cine had been accepted by a generation of psychiatrists. Once again, Woods wished for some absolute dazzler of a lawyer who could han dle a Jury like a basketball and take them up and down the court.

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Nicole asked Gary if there wasn’t a chance to get a real good lawyer. Gary said big leaguers like Percy Foreman or F. Lee Barley some times took on a job for the publicity, but in his case there were not special elements. A big man would want money.

Of course, one of the really good ones, he said, might be able to get him acquitted. Or bring in a short sentence. Without money, however, they had to forget it.

She had no idea what a big lawyer would cost, but that was when she got the idea of selling her eyes. She never told Gary, and in fact felt a little dumb about it. She really didn’t know how it came into her head. It could have had a lot to do with those commercials where they told you how much your vision was worth. She thought ff she could get $5,ooo, maybe that would pay for a good lawyer.

Gibbs got a little excited by the idea. There was a fellow in Salt Lake who happened to be the biggest criminal defense man in Utah, Phil Hansen. In the past, Phil had been Attorney General and every thing. Had more volume of cases going through his office than any body in the state. He could perform miracles. Once, he even got a guy off who shot a Sheriff in front of another Sheriff. Sometimes, Gibbs said, Hansen would take a case for free. Gary lit up.

Gibbs now said he wasn’t going to pull any punches with Gary when he knew how jealous a man could get, so he also wanted to tell

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him that Phil Hansen was reputed to have a yearn for attractive ladies.

Gary sat right down and wrote Nicole what Gibbs had said, then remarked it was up to her if she wanted to hitch a ride to see Hansen. But “If the guy makes any suggestive motions, get up and walk out.”

Same night, a guard gave him a note from Nicole, “He didn’t ask for my bod, but will meet me at 2 o’clock Saturday at the jail and talk with you.”

She had seen Hansen in a big office and he did treat her like she was sure attractive, only he didn’t put any pressure on. He was middle-aged, kept smoking a cigar, and liked to laugh a lot. After a while, he told her a story. Said the last man executed in Utah was named Rogers, and he had been asked to defend him, and told Rogers to get some money together. Phil was informed there’d be no problem. Rogers had a sister in Chicago who was well off.

Well, no telling about the sister, Rogers never called back. Hansen let it slide. Then the man was executed.

The lawyer never knew if it was coincidental, but the morning Rogers met his death, Hansen bolted out of bed. Didn’t even know it was the day. Just woke up in a cold sweat.

Hearing about the execution over the radio, he swore he would never turn another person down for lack of funds if a life was involved.

Look, Hansen said, even if there was no money, he would represent Gilmore. Then he made the arrangements to meet Saturday afternoon at the jail.

Before she left, he put his arms around her, and gave a nice hug and said, “Don’t worry. Don’t look so sad. They’re not going to execute him.” He told Nicole he had never seen a case yet, didn’t matter how bad it looked when you first took it, as you got into the story, you could explain it to the Jury.

For instance, he said, even a person who would swear by capital punishment might have to change their mind if it was their own

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mother on trial. “My mother’s not like that,” they would say. “Something went wrong.” People were ready for capital punishment only if they were sentencing a stranger. The approach was to get the Jury feeling they understood the criminal.

Saturday came. Even though Hansen had said two o’clock, she was there at one-thirty.

She waited until three, but Mr. Hansen never showed up. Christ, she made an idiot of herself waiting. She called him later that afternoon, but it was Saturday, and his office didn’t answer. While visiting Gary, Nicole began to cry. She couldn’t help it. She had really been counting on getting a good lawyer,

She was even more depressed when she received Gary’s next letter:

Sept. 26 All Snyder and Esplin want to do is leave themselves a good case for appeal. Thats the way they’re paid by the state to think. I’m not saying they are paid to sell me out, I’m not paranoid about it. But they are court appointed lawyers, they don’t have the resource to do a proper job. I’ll get no more than a token defense from them.

Sept. 27 I can’t sleep in the daytime. Sometimes I try but I always wake up in a cold sweat and I hear the cars on the hiway and see the light coming brightly thru the bars and know how far away I am from it all.

I know that dying is just changin form. I don’t expect to escape any of my debts, I’ll meet them and I’ll pay them. I want to quit racking up such heavy debts thought.

I fucked you all night in my mind Nicole. I sent love over all the distance to Springville, which is not at all a ball o’chalk, I could run that meagre distance without stoppingt. I loved you so hard and wet and long last nite Angel and I held you to me ti.te tite tite and you felt good. I kissed your forehead your nose your eyes, your cheeks

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and long and wet on your lips your neck I fucked your ears with my tongue and heard you cry out oh oh oh ooooh baby I kissed all down your body, put your tits in my mouth all I could get in there and l put my face between them sucked your big nipples fucked your belly button pushed my tongue in your mouth in your cunt in your ass your pretty fuckin ass. God I love your pretty pretty ass. Whew! You got ass that won’t quit! You got a blue ribbon first prize ass. You got an elf ass.

You’re an elf. And I’m stone in love with you.

Your honesty astounds me. I’ve thought long and hard of you, little elf, of your experience-the men who have known you, have loved you, been loved in return, have used, abused, and hurt you, made you love — I’ve thought of Uncle Lee. I understand as well as I can Nicole.

I don’t want you to live like a hermit without friends. I don’t give you any order or impose my restrictions.

But I don’t like the idea of all those guys coming to see you. Because somebody gives you a ride hitchhiking, does he have to become a friend, come and see you again and again, every few days? Fuck that.

I felt something yesterday that l didn’t like. Vague,

haunting—you smelled of beer …

I know the guys that come to see you must want more than company, l don’t doubt you, but I know the flesh is weak.

You have always been so very honest and open with me, you are just Nicole and you present yourself just as you are, without pretense.

Something jarred me yesterday and made me feel something l don’t want to feel. Your face your tears, it reminded me of another time not long ago—

Baby I guess I’m just an insanely jealous son of a bitch and a selfish motherfucker.

I don’t like those friends of yours that come again and again for your company. Jesus Christ I’ve never heard of any men like that. Baby I’m a man —l know what guys want.

I don’t want you having all of them men friends.

Nicole had been living with true intentions, but she still went to bed with Cliff and Tom a couple of times in that long month of Sep—

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tember, and it was hell afterward to visit Gary and shy away from the subject. Finally she decided that the only way she’d be able to find out if she loved Gary enough to be able to break through these fucking sloppy habits was to tell him one more time. So when she read, “you smelled of beer,” Nicole got her nerve together, and bought some stationery in Waleen’s and wrote him a long loving letter with everything rich and sweet she could put into it, and then at the end, as if she didn’t want to spoil the good stationery, she picked up a paper napkin from the soda counter, and added a few words. Tried to say, When I get into situations, it isn’t anything. Nothing is happening. Finally, she wrote, “Why not just say what I mean? Gary, nobody is ever going to luck me but you.”

Sept. 28 Baby the jailer just brought me your letter. You’re lways writing and telling me about getting fucked, getting fucked, getting fucked, getting fucked. Evei’ybody fucks Nicole. Everybody. Everybody picks her up hitchhiking or sees her 3 or 4 times a week just for the vibes the beautiful vibes feel the beauty just friends just company don’t even have to know her just sit and listen to her talk about how much she loves Gary then luck her. Goddam motherfuckin son of a goddam bitch.

That was a neat napkin you wrote. “But man Baby you must understand what I mean by friends these friends are those that come to see me again and again for company and have not once demanded physical or mentally my physical attentions.”

You write me that goddam motherfuckin lie.., just sat down and wrote me that fuckin lie and signed it love. If you feel so much motherfuckin sympathy for someone that you’ll fuck him why oh Jesus Jesus Jesus fucking Christ Goddam Goddam fucking damn

Baby Jesus Christ help me to understand. I don’t look at life like that. I’ve never been in love before I’ve been locked up all my fuckin life I guess I’m emotionally crippled or something cause I’m one person that can’t share his woman. Other people might be able to do that, might not give a luck if somebody fucks what is theirs but I’m Gary. Somebody fucked you. Somebody kissed you. Somebody kissed you saw your eyes roll back, well, I guess its your bod and your life. Fuck everybody in Utah if you want to. What do I care? What do I care? I care all. I care everything.

Nicole-is my love not enough to suffice for even one small lifetime — my love for you can it not be enough? Do you have to give

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your body, your self? Your love to other men? Am I not enough? I can’t luck. I’m locked up. Why can’t you go without too?

Don’t luck those “lovely” cocksuckers that want to luck you. They make me want to commit murder again and I hate to feel that

kind of thing. Get those bastards away from our life. Get rid of those motherfuckers. Ill feel like murder it doesn’t necessarily matter who

gets murdered. Don’t you know that about me? Murder is just a thing of itself, a rage and rage is not reason — so why does it matter who vents a rage. That’s the first time I’ve consciously acknowledged that insane truth. Perhaps I’m beginning to grow.., grow with me. Love me. Teach me. Learn from me. Softly grow stronger with me. 0 Fair Nicole.

Jesus what a letter. I guess them ghosts will attack me tonite. I can’t stand the thought of some son of a bitch fucking you. You know what hurts so bad? Not only the thought of you getting fucked sucking some motherfucker’s cock all the way down your throat but they kiss you too. And you would have to kiss them back, put your arms around them AND FUCK GODDAM THAT SmT MOTHERFUCKER JESJS CHRIST makes me wish I could erase the whole world. Cause all creation to cease to be. My Nicole? My Nicole? Who’s Nicole? Take your life? Thats what you wrote you said you fucked one guy twice. I think that’s what you said I ain’t gonna read it again. Why not just luck everybody all the time its the same thing to me. You know Lonny the red haired jailer here who gave you a ride one day. Was it him that you fucked? Does he look at me and think “I’m fucking Gilmore’s girl?” Oh Jesus. I can’t stand this. I can’t take it. Fuck this shit. Fuck you. Goddam mother fucker can’t you break your luck habit? Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. Them are ugly ghosts aren’t they? Jesus. Ugly.ugly. oooooH GODDAM. Fuck. l think I got it under control and it gets away again. Nicole I ain’t trying to do anything.

Probably shouldn’t let you read this.

Goddam. Your letters both of them that I got today smell so

good they smell like you. Baby this is an ugly letter. It goes from reason to rage.

Honey when you read this letter know that I love you. That I don’t understand this thing as well as I thought I did, that I hurt immensely, go back and cross out the parts that hurt you. don’t want