The Everlasting Covenant (30 page)

“
Please do not touch me,
”
she whispered, a slight catch in her voice.

He pulled her into his embrace. She saw that tears wet his cheeks.
“
I have hurt so much without you!
”

“
Dylan, you must not touch
--
”

His lips covered hers and his arms encircled her. For a moment she suffered only surprise, but then quickly her memory was tossed and turned and all the desire and pain and desperation was like a vision behind her closed eyes. She moaned, almost a sob, and held him fast, her fingers locked together behind his head. She did not know if she kissed a memory or a man, but she let herself consume him even as she was consumed.

“
Anne, my God,
”
he groaned.
“
My love, my life.
I
have hurt so much without you. I have loved you. ... A day never ended that I did not beg God Almighty for one chan
ce to hold you, to tell you ..
.
”

“
Oh, Dylan,
”
she cried, her fingers tenderly touching his face, his hair, as if to be assured he was real.
“
I have prayed for your safety every day and every night. You must believe
--
”

“
Anne, my Anne, I did not wish to hurt you. It is my own hurt that lashes out at you. How I longed to give you what he
has giv
en you
--
riches, children, love
... I l
ove you ... I love you so ..
. It has never changed.
”

“
But it i
s more impossible than ever ..
. Dylan. ...
”

Before she could finish, before she could tell him all the reasons forbidding such emotion, such action, she welcomed his lips again, and again. Their kisses were wet with tears of joy and longing, their fingers greedily touching as if they might never touch again. The hunger had never waned. To be in his arms was like a miracle, to taste his mouth again was the answer to all her prayers.

“
We are not meant to have each other, Dylan,
”
she whispered.

His lips were hot and insistent on her neck. His hands crept under her cloak to pull her closer, to caress the rich sarcenet of her gown.
“
I cannot accept that, Anne. I have never accepted it, though I tried.
”

All time was lost for Anne. His hands on her again, his lips on hers, and she forgot where she was, who she was. Her fingers caressed his chest, his back. Over and over she sobbed his name, clung to him first in sheer relief that he was well, whole, alive, and then in passion both remembered and renewed. She forgot her lordly husband and her son.

Dylan lifted her into his arms, his lips holding hers. Against her open mouth he murmured,
“
Once more, my Anne. If you cannot come away with me, love me once more.
”

“
Dylan ... your man ..
. Jane ...
”

“
Markham? He was instructed to keep any servant attending you occupied.
”

“
Does he know about us, then?
”
she asked.

“
No. Nor will he ever inquire.
”

She shook her head, but he carried her to the stairs despite her wordless protest. The longing was as intense as ever. When she found herself in a second story bedchamber, she tried futilely to deny him, but his lips instead left her begging him to love her. She w
as famished for
him, there was no stopping the waves of desire that overcame all good sense.

Dylan
’
s life had been day-to-day, a constant struggle just for bread and wine, and through the tedious days and lonely nights
he had thought of Anne Dai
ly. Sometimes hourly It was dif
ficult to keep this haunting desire secret. He had not told even Cameron. And other women could not draw his mind away from her. In his own strange way he was faithful to her memory, for he could not find satisfaction anywhere else. For her sake, if not for his own, he begged for release from this binding, everlasting love. It was as terrible as it was wonderful. But there had been no release.

Anne, too, had wished to be released from the torment of wanting him, trying futilely to accept her good fortune without longing for another, but it failed her. She had missed him as much in her luxury as he had missed her in his deprivation.

“
Anne,
”
he murmured.
“
Anne, I need you. The pain of wanting
you is greater and stronger than I am. I want to come home to
you.
”

“
My love,
”
she whispered in response.

There were only two rooms of state on the second floor of the small house. Jane was far away in the cookrooms behind the house. In less than an hour of her arrival Anne lay back on his bed, her eyes closed, and welcomed his touch, his lips. She did not think of her adultery, nor of how fleeting this moment would be. She thought only of the way he brought life back to a part of her she had thought long dead. She responded natu
rally, just as she had on those desperate nights so long ago.

It was the greatest luxury in the world, a down-filled mattress on a tester bed beneath them and their bodies together again after so long. The bolt on the door was in place, and there was no hanging scaffold in the courtyard. The pleasure that Anne had been lacking in her marriage and that Dylan had been unable to find in any quarter was swift and hot and pure. It was unlike those times in the past when they were so afraid, so tortured. Dylan was conscious of her delicate condition and was gentle, even in his haste, but the ecstasy was not lessened. His warm breath on her flesh, his roughened hands on her skin, his scent, the salty taste of his skin, all senses were sharpened to take him in. These were the things she had struggled to remember, but had been unable to retrieve. In his arms again, she was filled
with a sense of being where she belonged. It was as if she had been born in his embrace, and was not quite alive without him. When she felt him moving inside her again it was like coming home for her as well
–
as if it had always been thus, and always should be.

The rapture came so quickly that they lay spent, entwined in each other
’
s arms soon after Dylan had thrown the bolt on the bedchamber door. What Brennan had failed to bring her in almost five years, Dylan had commanded from her body in as many minutes. So right
--
so wrong. A low moan of despair left her and she wept.

“
Anne ..
.,
”
he comforted.

“
He will not have an
adulteress
, Dylan. If forcing me to flee with you is your heart
’
s desire, you can have it now. All you need do is expose me as the wanton I am and he will cast me aside.
”

He brushed the dark hair from her brow.
“
I want to love you, not cause you pain. My life has been
--
”

“
But I cannot deny you, don
’
t you see? Your life has been all of suffering and I have had luxury, but did you see any difference in the way one welcomed the other? Oh Dylan, my wanting has never been less than yours. But I had not wanted to hurt my son. ...
”

Dylan held her as she wept. Guilt at having taken advantage of her weakness turned the bliss of the moment into a shameful, regrettable abyss.

“
I did what had to be done,
”
she murmured, tears choking her voice.
“
My mother ... I w
as caught coming from the cask
room that last night
... I knew the only way to await you was to go to Lord Forbes, for Raedelle with my mother was a dangerous place. And of course when he knew that I was not pure, my mother lied for me, to keep her association with Ayliffe through my marriage. Every day, every week, she threatens to tell him the truth unless I succor her every whim and want. Do you think your family can be restored if Lord Forbes learns that we were lovers? And here we are, lovers again.
”

“
I was afraid you loved me no more,
”
Dylan whispered.

“
Are you still afraid of that?
”
she asked him.

“
Now,
”
he said with a rueful chuckle,
“
I am afraid of myself. Anne,
I was so desperate for you, I ..
.
“
He shook his head. He had never before been so out of control.
“
Will you forgive me?
”

“
For loving me? O
r …”

“
My hunger,
”
he said, looking at her, his eyes deeper and more serious than she had ever seen them:
“
I have allowed my hunger for you to eat at me. Anne,
I
never wished
to hurt you. Or shame you. Or …”

“
Dylan, you are my heart –
I could not deny you.
I
could not deny myself. But now Lady Gifford w
ill surely have what she wants –
she will see me stripped and stoned and thrown out of the Ayliffe gate. My son ...
”

“
Nay, my Anne, my love,
”
he said, embracing her and pulling her near.
“
Don
’
t cry, love. We can keep this secret from Lord Forbes. When you return to him today
--
”

“
He is not in the city, Dylan. He is with his son in Wales. But
--
”

“
Then you are safe, my love. I won
’
t hu
rt you. There is no tragedy yet
...
”

She touched his cheek.
“
Fate is unkind,
”
she said, stroking his hair.
“
We should be far beyond this yearning. We should have learned, by now, to accept what we cannot have. Yet we steal it.
”

“
I only wanted to know that you loved me still. It is the only thing I have lived for. I
’
m sorry, Anne. I don
’
t want you to be afraid of me, afraid of what I feel for you. If I cannot protect you, how can I ask you to love me?
”

He lay on his back and she turned, bracing on an elbow, tracing his strong jawline with a finger, studying his face through tear-filled eyes.
“
Once I knew your eyes so well. Now I do not understand. You were so angry, then so
--
”

He closed his eyes as if he would block out her questions.
“
The
past years have been difficult –
I have become hardened and selfish. The boy-knight who would die for your love became a man who would tear it from you.
”

“
But Dylan, my love is yours. You need not beg it, steal it, nor bargain for it. But I can give you nothing else. Lord Forbes would only mount his ten thousand and fi
nd me. He is not cruel
,
nor evil –
he treasures me, though I do not deserve him. In five years he has been tender and generous. But Dylan, his hand is more powerful than the Gifford hand ever was.
”

Dylan sighed, mortified by the fear he had caused in her.
“
To take you away from all our obligations is my heart
’
s desire, though that kind of life is not what I would have for you. The existence is poor and dangerous. And I knew you were not a woman who could leave her children.
”
His large hand covered her stomach, her pregnancy barely blooming.
“
Would that I could give you a child.
”

“
You have a wife whose family ties gave you England. Tell me about her. Your wife.
”

“
No. For you she does not exist.
”

“
But Dylan ..
.
”

“
I was certain you would tell me you loved him.
”

She closed her eyes against the threat of tears.
“
I do love Lord Forbes, Dylan. Tis not the same love I feel for you, but to hurt him would cause me great pain He indulges my family, though they are mostly selfish. He keeps my mother in her place, when she would not hesitate to hurt me. And he raises an heir of Ayliffe ... my son. I owe him everything.
”