The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (38 page)

I wasn't going to ask my parents, but I had just seen
Torch Song Trilogy
and in it Harvey Fierstein said to his mother, “You've never been a part of my life” and his mother said, “But you never invited me to, you've always made my decisions for me.” So I sent my parents an invitation. My father said he'd come and my mother said she wouldn't; then she changed her mind. I think it was a very, very big step for them. They got to see my relationship and my interaction with Fran's family and with my friends. They were impressed by the fact that there were a lot straight people there, and that people were dressed nicely. I think they expected a bunch of dykes in combat boots.

—Sandy, 1993

Okay, at this point you've made your lists, you've thought about your families, and you've made your first cut. But the lucky ones who remain are not finalists yet. You'll both probably have to give a little here and there. Remember that there are two of you, and that you may not both feel exactly the same way about every person you know. (If you do, you are inconceivably compatible and we envy how smooth your lives are going to be.) You may have to lobby for certain people: “Okay, I'll let your Pilates instructor come if you agree to having my old Marine Corps buddy there.” Allow us to help you weave your way through some potential dilemmas:

New friends:
An event like this can really cement a friendship; on the other hand, it may cause the relationship to become too personal too quickly.

Old lovers:
Potential liabilities for obvious reasons. Will they attend to share in your happiness or to cast an evil spell over your union? Cindy told us, “If I had to eliminate everyone from the guest list who I had slept with, I wouldn't have had any friends there at all.”

Ex-husbands and ex-wives:
See above.

Children:
If you're gay or lesbian with grown children of your own, you can plug in the word
children
anyplace we mention parents in this chapter. If you invite your son or daughter, and he or she chooses to come, just be happy about it.

The mix of people:
If you have an eclectic group of friends, you may have a valid concern about whether they'll get along, or if they'll even talk. Randy and Joe told us, “We have an amazing assortment of friends, most of whom happen to be straight, ranging from their twenties to their seventies. You put all those people together, and it could be really awkward. So we made sure that every person we invited knew at least one other person who was coming.” Similarly, you may at this point decide to completely exclude entire groups of friends. Do you really need to invite your entire UFO
abductee support group, or can you pare it down to just the people who went up with you?

With these new criteria in mind, how long is your list now? If you still have too many people, try counting a new way. Look at the single people on your list, and remember that you're under no obligation to let those people bring dates. (It's your wedding, not a prom.) Then look at the families you've invited and count the number of children. If you're really close to the kids, by all means invite them; otherwise, do not feel it necessary to include them.

As a last resort, if you
still
have too many people on your list, consider having announcements printed to send to the overflow. A wedding announcement is merely a proclamation sent after the fact to let people know that you tied the knot.

So let's go back to where we started. Who should you invite to your wedding? When all is said and done and the rice is swept off the floor, the people make the party. Invite people whom you honestly, in your heart of hearts, want to be there.

If you've decided to invite someone who may be shocked or confused when they open the envelope, why not enclose a personal note telling them that you're thinking about them and would love for them to be present at this important event in your life? This isn't a note of apology; it's a way of underlining how much they mean to you. You can also spell out what to expect—an exchange of rings and vows, readings, and so forth.

We're about to take a trip through the Wonderful World of Wedding Invitations. We won't lie to you: there's a lot of scary stuff here. Designing or choosing your wedding invitation can be as intimidating as furnishing a new apartment from scratch, but with proper guidance, it can actually be fun. We're going to give you all the information regarding the most traditional of the traditional, and then we'll give you a load of alternate ways you can go. Our philosophy in this chapter (and, indeed, in life) is that it's important to know what the rules are so you know what it is you're breaking.

The invitation may be the very first knowledge some of your friends and relatives have that you've decided to take this step. It may, even in these modern times, also actually introduce the entire concept of a same-sex wedding to some people. Naturally, it will provide essential information (who, what, when, where), but it's the look and sensibility, not just the printed words, that will tell your guests what to expect. If the invitation is on a piece of rawhide, your guests will probably figure out not to wear white tuxes and chiffon evening gowns.

Think of the invitation as your press release. Any invitation, by nature, sets the stage for the event to come, and a wedding invitation carries a special weight because it is heralding a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Before you decide to skip this section completely and run your invite off on that old ditto machine in the teachers' lounge, remember that this isn't about a birthday party or an anniversary or the opening of a store.

When you hear the words
wedding invitation,
a certain look and feel probably pops into your
mind. There are too many envelopes; there is wording like “Request the honour of your presence,” with
honour
spelled with a
u;
the date and time are written out in longhand; and what is that silly little piece of tissue paper doing in there anyway? It's called tradition.

Does this mean that there is only one way to go? That you have to emulate the wedding invitations of the past? Some say yes. We say no, no, no! You can text or e-mail; you can handwrite an individual note or use a singing telegram. In short, you can draw from a long line of traditions or you can thumb your nose at them. But no matter what style you finally decide on, the invitation should be executed well. The care you take in the presentation, not the formality, will reflect your commitment to the ceremony and to the union itself.

Think about looking at this invitation in twenty years and try to imagine what your reaction will be. For example, if you insisted on having your high school graduation picture taken in a rhine-stoned jean jacket, chances are that when you look at the picture now, you cringe. You don't want your wedding invitation to be like that. Also consider the possibility that one of your guests will end up giving you some sort of framed or decoupaged rendition of your invitation as a wedding present, and you will be stuck having it on your mantle or wall for a long, long time. You'd better love it.