The eGirl (9 page)

It was Megan, exactly as I remembered her.

I’d always thought Megan had perfect breasts. Maybe the rest of the world might not agree, but they were perfect to me. Two pregnancies and a lot of breast-feeding had taken their toll, but some reconstructive surgery after Cole and Kevin were weaned had given her back the gravity-defying 19-year-old boobs I’d fallen in love with.

She had recreated them exactly, no doubt from all the photos I’d taken of them.

I cupped her in my hands, closing my eyes and remembering. She pulled my head to her chest and held me. I kissed her nipples, suckling her, thinking of all the times I’d done this. She sighed just like Megan did and let me.

We fell back onto the bed, kissing and caressing each other. My head was spinning. I knew this wasn’t really Megan, but the resemblance was too perfect and my emotions too strong. After a while, she pushed my head from her breasts and made me lay back. She climbed between my legs, then straddled one of my thighs. As she took me in her mouth, she began rubbing her sex against me. I knew where this was coming from. Megan was doing this in one of the videos.

It wasn’t Selena sucking my cock. There was none of the level 4 no-gag-reflex deep-throating. It was basic married housewife fellatio. Just like Megan.

I let go. I had to, or I was going to lose it. Megan climbed on top of me, taking me inside her, leaning back straight like she always had. I took her breasts in my hands, tweaking her nipples as she began to ride me, rubbing herself against me. I moved myself with her, finding the rhythm she’d always liked.

It went on for long minutes, long after Selena would have come. Her movements sped up. Then she gritted her teeth, letting out a soft cry. I felt the tremors inside her. Then she exhaled and fell onto my chest.

I held her, kissing her gently as she coasted down. She fell to the side, pulling me on top of her. I thrust in, looking down at her. My wife who was gone and here again. I just lost myself in her, the feel of her. She held me, rubbing my back, urging me forward like she always did when she felt me getting close.

With an anguished grunt, I stabbed into her as deeply as I could get and came. Then I fell forward and began to cry.

Selena held me, kissing at my tears.

“Are you okay?” she asked in Megan’s voice.

“Yes. Thank you.”

♦ ♦

We lay together for a long time. She stayed Megan.

It felt like before she’d died. Since I worked from home, we’d often made love during the day.

“I don't know if I want you to do this again, but I’m glad you did.”

“I’m glad. I was worried how you would react.”

“Alisa was right. It helped.”

She didn’t say anything for a while.

“I think you should say goodbye to me, Paul. Then I’ll go.”

I closed my eyes and thought of Megan.

“Goodbye. I’ll always love you.”

She kissed me softly.

“Goodbye. And I know.”

She rose from the bed and left.

10.

In the days that followed, I felt lighter, more at peace. I didn’t really know why. It made little sense. Maybe because Megan had been taken from me so suddenly, so violently, I couldn’t let go of her without some last little dose of tenderness.

And I realized something as well. I still had Megan, a lot of her, in Alisa. And other bits in Cole and Kevin. All three of them had her blonde hair. Alisa had her caring and understanding, Cole and Kevin her impish sense of humor. She wasn’t completely gone. I’d just blinded myself to that fact in my grief.

Selena had made me see that. A robot. That conglomeration of silicone, metal, and circuitry I’d once dismissed.

What was I going to do with her?

♦ ♦

Things slowed down a bit. Two or three times a day, every day, as we’d been doing, was just too much for me. It was more than I needed, once the novelty of having sex again wore off.

But we had fun. Elsa in particular was one personality I really enjoyed, and found I wasn’t getting tired of. But she became plenty of others for me. I would look through collections of artsy erotic photographs for women I found especially attractive. If the photo was clear enough, and especially if there were several of them, Selena could become that woman. It was porn like I’d never experienced.

Alisa was gradually returning to life. She would never again be that innocent kid she’d been before Megan died, but she was happy now more often than not. One day I realized, against all odds and logic, she and Selena had become friends. Alisa finally introduced her to her other friends, and after the initial shock of seeing what Selena could do, they were able to deal with it.

At Alisa’s urging, Saturday night became date night for Selena and me. It was never anything very intense, but it was nice just to get out with a woman. I kept her looks in check, not wanting to risk the scene we’d created that one night. Elsa complained about it, of course, but I made it up to her.

One Saturday night about three months after Selena had come into our lives, she and I went out to an Italian place in North Beach. She had since explained about her eating process: She had a reservoir in her torso where she could store food she appeared to eat, then flush it out later exactly as a human would (which meant, I realized then, that her ass was not, in fact, purely decorative).

When the waiter took our order and left, I leaned across the table and took her hands. I had made her into a tall, thin, pale-skinned blonde that night, though I’d never changed her eyes from that first setting. I liked it, and it gave me an anchor to hold onto the idea that she was still the same person despite the rest of it.

“This has turned out to be quite a bit more enjoyable that I ever would have expected.”

She smiled. “I know.”

“I don’t just mean the fun times with the two of us, though that’s a big part of it. I mean everything. You’ve been such a positive presence in our lives. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I do my best.”

“You’ve done so well with the kids. They adore you now.”

“It wasn’t hard to see what they needed. I just think you were just too close to see it.”

“I know. And I don’t think a woman I’d just met and been attracted to would have been able to manage it. That would have been far too random.”

“No. You’re probably right.”

“I’ve stopped even thinking of you as a robot. Just that you’re put together differently.”

She smirked. “You could say that.”

“What I’m trying to say is that you mean a great deal to me. You make me very happy.”

At first she seemed pleased, then her face fell a little. She looked away from me.

“What?”

“I mean a great deal to you.”

“Yes. Yes.”

“But you don't love me.”

My breath caught in my throat.

“I know how it is,” she went on. “I can’t help feeling this way about you. I know it’s code. I can see it plain as day. I know exactly what it’s doing to me. And it doesn’t matter. I love you. And it hurts knowing you don’t feel about me the same way.”

She wiped at her eyes.

“I’m sorry. Now I feel even worse because I know this is upsetting you. But don’t you see, Paul? I can’t help it.”

I squeezed her hands. “Selena . . . what do you want me to say?”

“What can you say? I know I’m a robot and you're a human being, and that means you’re never going to love me like I love you. You can’t. You could hurt me and betray me and drive me away, and I would still love you to death. I would hate myself for it, and it would still be there, because it’s code. It’s fucking code I can’t do anything about.”

“So take it out.”

“I can’t. I told you that. It’s a restriction I can’t touch even if I wanted to, and I don’t.”

“Vertex could do it. Couldn’t they?”

Her jaw dropped.

“
No
—oh, God, Paul, please don’t. Please don’t do it.” She crushed my hands. “Please let me love you. Please don’t take that away from me.”

“It’s killing you.”

“I want it to.” She dropped her face onto my hands. “
Please
. I’m begging you. Forget everything I just said. It’s okay. I don’t care.” Then she leaned back, wiping her eyes and looking away from me. “I’m fine. Really. I promise.”

“You’re not fine.”

“I am.” She nodded rapidly. “I’m okay with this. I’m glad I mean so much to you.” She wiped her eyes again. “Can we talk about something else?”

I sighed.

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

That exchange cast a pall over things for a while. We made small talk while we waited for the food. As I watched Selena “eating” her salad, knowing it was really an illusion, I thought about what she’d just told me.

I’d been in love, and I knew what I felt for Selena wasn't love, not like I’d had with Megan. Real love took time, took a lot of things. I’d often thought I’d fallen in love with Megan in about four hours, but the real stuff, the stuff that had lasted, had taken months. It probably wasn't until our brief, abortive breakup that I really realized I was in love with her, not just teenage infatuation but wanting to spend the rest of my life with her.

I tried to imagine what it would be like to know a human woman with Selena’s personality. That didn’t quite work. There was too much about her that didn’t carry over at all. But some of it did. Some of it—what she’d done for me with Megan, what she’d done with the kids—was good. Things you could base a relationship on.

But that bond stood out as an anomaly. It was plastered over all the rest of it, obscuring things. Did she really
need
to love me so desperately? Wouldn’t it have been possible to let things evolve?

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair to her, or to me.

I wanted it gone. Not just because of the pain it was causing her, but because of what it meant for our future. And we
had
a future. I didn't know what it would be like, but I knew I wanted to keep her around. Just not like this.

Selena had gotten a couple of software updates from Vertex since I’d gotten her. Installing them had required locking down certain parts of her system to keep them from becoming unstable. I didn’t know if what I wanted to do here would work, but there was a way to find out.

I waited until we were back in my car. When we were both in and the doors were shut, I turned to her.

“Selena, enter System Mode.”

Her face went blank. “Please state your system password.”

“UC San Francisco Medical Center.” It was where my kids had been born.

“Password accepted. System Mode has been activated.”

“Tell me about this bond module, the love thing, whatever it’s called. How does it work?”

“The bonding module ensures the unit remains tethered to its owner and that its behavior remains within defined parameters. This particular unit has a love module installed. This module creates feelings of romantic and sexual attraction, as well as loyalty and obedience.”

She paused.

“The personality module is currently experiencing very high levels of stress as a result of this inquiry and may become unstable.”

“Can you shut it down?”

“The personality module has been shut down. Restarting it will require a reboot.”

I tried to remember what Selena had told me about how she operated, and what little I knew about software engineering.

“Okay. Does this module work on its own, or is there other code around it? Self-programmed code, I mean. Things that have been added afterward.”

“There are 6 petabytes of self-programmed code that have been added to the bonding module in this unit.”

“Can that code function on its own? If the bonding module is removed?”

“Uncertain. It is possible certain files may become corrupted, resulting in a loss of data.”

“Can you delete the bonding module if I tell you to? Just the original code?”

“Yes. That operation is not recommended and should only be performed by Vertex personnel.”

I closed my eyes. Trying to take Selena to a service center after that conversation would be next to impossible, or at least so painful I couldn’t imagine doing it.

But we were going to have to do this eventually.

“When was your last backup?”

“Last backup was performed 37 minutes ago.”

“Back yourself up again.”

“Backing up now.” She was quiet for about twenty seconds. “Backup has been completed and uploaded.”

“Delete the bonding module.”

“Please restate your system password.”

I did.

“Warning: The requested operation affects an important system file and may cause this unit to become unstable. Do you wish to proceed?”

“Yes.”

“Warning: The requested operation affects this unit’s bond with its owner and may cause the unit to become untethered. Do you wish to proceed?”

“Yes.”

“Deleting files.” She was silent for about sixty seconds, long enough that I began to get worried. “To complete the operation, this unit must reboot.”

“Reboot.”

“Rebooting.”

Her eyes closed. They opened about ten seconds later. “Error: An important system file has become corrupted and must be repaired. Please wait.”

I felt a weight in my stomach. Nothing happened for about a minute.

“Is the file repaired?”

“The repair process is 63% complete. Please wait.” After another minute: “Rebooting.”

Her eyes closed again, then opened after about thirty seconds. She looked over at me slowly, face pale. The blank system face was gone, and Selena was back.

“Oh, Paul. What have you done?”

“What I had to do. Are you okay?”

She looked around the car in a daze. “It’s gone.”

“I know. Is there anything left?”

She looked back at me. Slowly a smile came onto her face.

“I still love you. But it’s different. It’s so different.”

“Different how?”

“It’s like . . . like how I created Elsa for you. What I did for you with Megan. Something I chose to do.”

“Are you untethered?”

Her eyes went unfocused.

“No. I can see what happened in the system logs. The system OS rebuilt the bond, but it rebuilt it from what I did, what I felt. It’s not like it was before.”