The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (44 page)

The
chateaubriands arrived upon a gilded trolley drawn by a monkey servant dressed
as for the hunt. A human counterpart served at Cameron’s table, then snapped
his fingers and waved the monkey on.

‘Are
you sure you can eat that raw?’ asked Cameron Bell.

‘I
have
very
strong teeth,’ said Violet Wond.

And
so these two ate chateaubriand and during this eating Cameron Bell told Violet
Wond all that he knew of Lavinia Dharkstorrm. He spoke of how she had acquired
the four sacred reliquaries that when ‘brought together into an unhallowed
place’ would precipitate the arrival of the End Times with the Seven Plagues,
terminating in the Time of Terrible Darkness, the Death of the First-Born and
the Coming of the Apocalypse, which wasn’t a very nice thing.

And
he went on to say that Lavinia Dharkstorrm had informed him that she performed
her unspeakable actions in the service of another —
her mistress.
Mr
Bell confessed that he did not know who this personage was, but suspected her
to be someone of all-surpassing evil.

Violet
Wond dined upon raw chateaubriand, which she consumed with loud munching
sounds, but spoke no words whilst Cameron told his story.

Once
the story was all done and the plates all cleared away, she spoke.

‘I
know well Lavinia Dharkstorrm,’ she said, ‘for she and I were girls together at
Roedean. And I know well the hag she serves — her name is Madam Glory. She was
the headmistress, who was dismissed for unspeakable cruelties.’

Cameron
Bell, who had been educated at a minor public school, raised his eyebrows to
this. Unspeakable cruelty was the order of the day in every public school. It
was considered character-building. It was a tradition and an old charter and
simply the way things were done.

‘I
have no doubt,’ said Violet Wond, ‘that Lavinia Dharkstorrm is a woman most
evil and that her mistress Madam Glory would be capable of any abomination. My
question would be the obvious one. What would they have to gain by destroying
this world?’

Cameron
Bell shrugged his shoulders, drew the champagne bottle from its silver cooler
and poured out glasses for Violet Wond and himself ‘There is much about this
business I find puzzling, so I must ask you this. Having listened to what I had
to say, and having as you do a prior knowledge of Miss Dharkstorrm, will you
aid me in bringing her to justice and halting her evil schemes?’

‘That
you might profit by claiming the rewards for the stolen reliquaries?’

‘This
is no longer about money,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘if indeed it ever was. But I
will split the rewards with you, if you wish.’

‘That
will not be necessary. I am a person of independent means.

‘Will
you consent to help me in tracking down this evil woman?’

Violet
Wond toyed with her champagne glass. ‘She has stolen certain precious items,’
she said, ‘which makes her a criminal. And I have no love for criminals.’

‘Splendid,’
said Cameron Bell.

‘I
have not finished,’ said Violet Wond. ‘You have had your say, so let me have
mine. As you are aware to some degree, a great wrong was done to me. This wrong
may never be put to rights, although I remain hopeful that with the help of Mr
Rutherford, it may. But I have set myself a task, Mr Bell — to right the wrongs
that are done to those less able than myself I take an eye for an eye. I kill
those who have killed.’

‘Lavinia
Dharkstorrm is certainly capable of murder,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘I am
speaking!’ said Miss Wond. ‘And Miss Dharkstorrm is more than just capable, I
assure you. I will enter into this partnership, Mr Bell, if you will agree to
three things.’

Cameron
Bell said, ‘Go on.’

‘Firstly,’
said Violet Wond, ‘when this matter is resolved, we go our separate ways. I
will leave London and you will agree not to pursue me.

‘Gladly,’
said Cameron Bell.

‘Secondly,
as I have no need for money, you may take
all
of the rewards.’

‘I am
certainly in agreement with that,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘I
had not entirely finished. Because thirdly, you may only take all the money if
I am allowed to deal with Miss Dharkstorrm directly.’

‘Directly?’
said Cameron Bell.

‘I
mean, in as few words as need be spoken, that I intend to kill her.’

There
was a certain silence then and Cameron Bell did scratchings at his chin.

‘Let
me say this,’ said Violet Wond. ‘I do not believe in any of this End Times
hocus-pocus. The Thames turned blood-red for a day but that means nothing at
all. I have reasons of my own for dealing with Miss Dharkstorrm.’

‘Then
we are agreed upon all points,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘Most
fortunate for you,’ said Violet Wond.

Cameron
Bell looked puzzled.

‘I
hold upon my lap a ray gun,’ said Miss Violet Wond, ‘and had this meeting not
gone to my liking, I would have had no compunction about shooting you dead with
it, here and now.’

‘Oh
my dear dead mother,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Should I order more champagne?’

‘To
celebrate your lucky escape? Why not?’ Cameron Bell ordered further champagne.
‘To our partnership,’ said he, when glasses had been replenished.

‘To
justice,’ said Violet Wond, and they touched their glasses together. ‘Not to
biblical nonsense, but to justice alone.’

And
then they heard the screams.

Outside
the Savoy Grill, folk were howling and crying, running this way and that. A
frightful hubbub was suddenly on the go.

‘And
what of this?’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Not anarchists, I trust.’

The
door to the Savoy Grill burst open and a fellow staggered through it. He was
bespattered in greens and reds and had taken a pounding to the head.

‘Flee!’
cried this fellow. ‘The world ends today! Frogs rain from the sky.’

42

rogs
that fall from an empty sky aren’t easy to explain. They frighten those they
fall upon and baffle all and sundry.

Miss
Violet Wond told Cameron Bell that she had no time for frogs, bade him
farewell, raised her parasol and strode in a purposeful fashion from the Savoy
Grill.

Cameron
Bell stood at the window and watched as she marched away. ‘What a most
remarkable woman,’ said the detective.

Cardinal Cox and
his catamite watched the remarkable sight.

‘What
breed of frogs do you think they are?’ enquired the catamite.

‘Biblical,’
said
the cardinal. ‘And I’ll wager that if you were to take one down to the Natural
History Museum, it would be identified as
Amietophrynus kassasii,
or the
Nile Delta Toad.’

‘So
not a frog at all,’ said the catamite, enjoying the spectacle of Londoners
fleeing the terrible downpour.

‘The
ancient Egyptians did not make the distinction. They included in their great
pantheon of deities a frog god Heqet. It was her duty to assist with forming
children in the womb. She shared a temple with Osiris as Mistress of the Two
Lands.’

‘You
are the very personification of wisdom,’ said the catamite.

Cardinal
Cox patted his special servant on the head. ‘Ha, look at the state of that
bobby,’ he cried. ‘That toad knocked him right off his penny-farthing.’

Another bobby
fell from his bike in the middle of the Mall.

‘What
an extraordinary business,’ said Lord Brentford.

He,
Leah and Darwin sat in a hansom cab. The driver had fled for cover. The horse
took it all in his stride.

‘Signs
and portents in the Heavens,’ said the beautiful Venusian. ‘I warned you,
Berty. Bad things are to come.

‘Let
us not be gloomy, my dear. I am sure there must be a logical explanation, but
for the life of me, I cannot think of one.

Darwin
could think of several, but he honoured his vow of silence and watched as
horrid things came pouring down.

Ernest
Rutherford and the Lords Babbage and Tesla had their opinions. As they
sheltered beneath the awning of the Victoria Palace Theatre observing the
remarkable phenomenon, each fashioned a theory fitting to their beliefs.

‘Pan-Spermia,’
said Ernest Rutherford, ‘in that the seeds of life drift for ever across the
infinity of space, occasionally falling onto a planet which offers a fertile
soil to take the seed. Here we observe an interesting example. Had this
occurred when the Earth was young, then perhaps we would all now be descended
from frogs.’

‘An
interesting proposition,’ said Lord Babbage, ‘but incorrect. Here we are observing,
as it were, the bigger picture.

Recall,
as well we all recall, the matter of the recurring chicken. Here we have an
example on a greatly magnified scale. Some temporal anomaly of the cosmic
persuasion has occurred — these creatures are of trans-dimensional origin.’

‘An
educated guess,’ said Lord Tesla. ‘I, however, was brought up as a Catholic and
I know the End Times when I see them. The Thames has already turned to blood
and this is the Second Plague of the Apocalypse. Let us make peace with our Maker
before the Terrible Darkness falls. And—’

But
Lord Tesla now found himself all alone, as Ernest Rutherford and Lord Babbage,
both sadly shaking their heads, had returned to their work on the
Marie
Lloyd.

‘After all my
hard work!’ shouted Chief Inspector Case, pacing before the window of his
office. ‘After solving the Crime of the Century and engaging in a
life-and-death struggle with a criminal mastermind high up on Tower Bridge —
this!’
He gestured hopelessly towards the outré goings on beyond his office
window. ‘Frogs falling on London. Hundreds and thousands of flipping frogs. The
papers will be full of this. They will forget all about me.’

Constable
Reekie watched in awe as the froggy/toady things came streaking down. ‘They
won’t forget you, sir,’ he said. ‘Have no fear of that.’

‘Very
nice of you to say so,’ said Chief Inspector Case.

‘Not
if your wife has anything to do with it, sir. She’s just served you a summons
at the front desk. Means to have her day in court. Well, her week in court…
or perhaps her month. She told me personally that she knows about all manner of
things that you have got up to here at the Yard.’

‘What?’
cried the chief inspector. ‘What?’

‘Apparently
you talk in your sleep, sir.

Chief
Inspector Case made growling sounds. ‘Where is my crown and my kiwi cloak?’ he
asked.

‘Would you like
to see a wonderful thing?’ Lord Brentford asked of Darwin.

Darwin
nodded cautiously and hoped that it would not involve him being turned into a
frog.

‘It
is at the palace,’ said Lord Brentford. ‘At Buckingham Palace, up ahead. It is
why we have come here today and you are going to see it.’

Darwin
made a hopeful face and wondered what this wonderful thing might be.

‘You
will be the first monkey ever to see it,’ said Lord Brentford, shifting his
good arm out of the way of rapidly falling froggery. ‘And you’ll get to meet
the Queen again and that monkey maid Emily you took such a shine to, eh?’

A big
wide smile appeared on the face of Darwin.

‘Ah,
you like that, don’t you, boy?’

Darwin
nodded with much enthusiasm.

‘Then
hop up onto the driver’s seat and steer us towards the palace.’

Cameron Bell
returned to his seat, ordered brandy and a cigar and pondered upon his lot.
With Lady Raygun on his side, the odds were more favourable when it came to
dealing with Lavinia Dharkstorrm. Clearly Miss Violet Wond had some score to
settle with her. Mr Bell might well have pondered upon what a fortuitous
coincidence this was, but he felt it inappropriate to do so and thus put it
down to a case of ‘it’s a small world’ and let it lie. But there was still the
matter of where Miss Dharkstorrm lurked. There was no doubt in Cameron’s mind
that the fall of frogs was the second of the End Times plagues, which meant
that matters were now growing ever more urgent. The countdown to the Apocalypse
had begun, and if not brought to an early halt, it would culminate at the final
midnight of the year.