The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (28 page)

‘You
still wish to carry on in our partnership, considering all that has happened?’

‘You
do
still want me?’ asked Darwin, gazing up at his partner.

‘Of
course I do,’ said Cameron Bell, and he knew in his heart that he did.

‘Our
offices, then,’ said Darwin.

Mr
Bell took up the speaking tube and gave the driver the address of Banana and
Bell.

‘No one here,’
said Cameron Bell. ‘No maid who is spare and kempt. No boy named Jack. I gave
them each two months’ salary in advance before I left for Mars and this is how
they reward me for my kindness.’

‘It
smells a bit in here, too,’ said Darwin, wrinkling his nose.

‘I
have champagne in my office,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘How
could it be otherwise?’ said Darwin. ‘Let us crack a bottle and raise glasses
to the future.’

‘Yes,
indeed,’ said Mr Cameron Bell.

Together
they entered Mr Bell’s office, then drew as one to a halt.

Seated
behind Mr Bell’s desk, with feet upon its top and flanked by a pair of
monstrous henchmen, was Miss Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

‘Welcome
back to London, boys,’ she said.

26

ery
pleasant indeed to see you, said Miss Lavinia Dharkstorrm. ‘I assume by the
jolliness of your tones that things went well upon Mars.’

The
eyes of Cameron Bell were wide and his mouth hung hugely open.

‘That
is a most unflattering expression,’ said Miss Dharkstorrm.

‘I
would almost go so far as to call it “gormless”.

‘But
how
?’
went Mr Bell, when he could find his voice.

‘How
are you here, when you were on—
‘Mars?’
asked Miss Dharkstorrm.

‘But
I was
never
on Mars, Mr Bell. Did you see me on the spaceship when you
travelled there?’

Cameron
Bell shook his head.

‘But
only when you arrived there and met me in the First-Class Saloon.’

Cameron
Bell now nodded his head.

‘That
was
not
me,’ said Miss Dharkstorrm. ‘That was my familiar, Pandora —
like myself, a most accomplished shape-shifter. Why would I wish to travel to
Mars when I could simply wait here for you to return, bringing with you what I
seek?’

Darwin
looked up at Cameron Bell. Darwin was an ape most baffled. ‘What of this?’ he
asked.

‘You
do not confide in your little friend, Mr Bell?’ Lavinia Dharkstorrm shook her
head and smiled in Darwin’s direction. ‘He carries the holy relic with him,’
she said to the monkey.

‘What
what
what?’
went Darwin. ‘What of this, I ask?’ Cameron Bell sighed
deeply and took to shaking
his
head. ‘You see, Mr Bell,’ said Lavinia
Dharkstorrm, ‘I have always been one step ahead of you and always will be
because I have second sight. I can view the future as others remember the past.
I knew precisely what you would do upon Mars — although I must confess that
there are certain dark areas, as if you were assisted in some way by yourself I
do not fully understand this, but I viewed your actions as if in a scrying
glass. And
you
destroyed my familiar, Mr Bell, and
I
do not take
kindly at all to
that.’

Mr
Bell’s right hand was snaking towards his trouser pocket, wherein rested his
ray gun.

‘Oh,
do,’ said Miss Dharkstorrm. ‘Do pull it out. Let us all have a look at it,
please.’

Mr
Bell delved into his pocket, felt something slimy, then pulled out a very large
toad and gaped at it.

‘Out
of your league, Mr Bell.’ Lavinia Dharkstorrm laughed. ‘Now hand the holy relic
to me, if you will.’

‘
You
have the relic?’ asked Darwin. ‘You have brought it back from Mars?’

Cameron
nodded gloomily. ‘It was my intention to discharge it into space during the
journey home. But there was no way that could be done, so I intended to toss it
into the Thames this very evening.’

‘He
stole it from Princess Pamela,’ said Miss Dharkstorrm.

‘He
was a trifle miffed when she refused to give him a reward. And greatly afeared
when she offered her amorous attentions.’

‘Who
is Princess Pamela?’ asked Darwin.

‘No
one you need worry your furry little head about.’ Miss Dharkstorrm turned her
alarming eyes once more upon Cameron Bell. ‘Hand me the holy relic,’ said she,
‘or I will have my men take it from your lifeless body.’

Mr
Bell dug into his waistcoat pocket and brought forth something resembling a
glass marble, within which strange lights flickered and twisted.

‘I
cannot let you have it,’ said Mr Bell. ‘Darwin,’ he shouted, ‘take it and run!’
And he flung the sphere to the monkey.

But
it did not reach the monkey’s hands.

The
sphere drew up short in the air, then flashed across the office and into the
hands of Miss Dharkstorrm. ‘Thank you very much indeed,’ said she.

Cameron
Bell shook his head in dismay. ‘How could I be such a fool as this?’ he asked.

‘How
indeed,’ said Miss Dharkstorrm. ‘But I will let you make amends. I will not
kill you, Mr Bell, for that would be a waste, but I cannot have you pursuing me
and getting in my way — I have far too many important things to do. So I will
tell you what. I have already dealt with your maid and your servant-boy in a
certain way and I will deal in this way too with you and your monkey. I have a
drug, Mr Bell, a combination of
coup de poudre
and mandrake known as
Zombie Dust, which will erase your memories and put you into a deathlike
trance. I will have you, your monkey and servants boxed up to be sold as slaves
to the gentry. You will never again know who you truly are. But you will serve
your new master without question.’

Darwin
bared his teeth at this and prepared to put up a struggle.

Cameron
Bell raised high his fists and prepared for a struggle of his own.

1899

Once
more in the present day,

in
the house of Ernest Rutherford.

Following
on from Chapter 5,

when
Mr Bell’s memories of the previous

year
were returned to him …

27

et
me refresh your champagne glasses,’ said Mr Ernest Rutherford. ‘That certainly
was a very big adventure.’

Cameron
Bell rose to his feet and stared into a mirror. ‘I am bearded,’ he said. ‘I
have never grown a beard in my life. Although it
does
rather suit me.

‘No,
it does
not,’
said Darwin, accepting a top—up to his glass. ‘But does
this
really
mean that we have been lying unconscious in boxes for almost
a year?’

‘I am
afraid it does,’ said the chemist, administering champagne. ‘And you probably
would still be doing so now had Lord Brentford not returned from the dead, as
it were, and ordered one chef, one monkey butler, one maid both spare and kempt
and a boy named Jack to polish boots and suchlike.’

‘Oh
yes,’ said Darwin. ‘Lord Brentford.’

‘I
recall you saying how you missed his lordship.’ Cameron Bell toasted further
champagne. ‘You should be pleased that he is back in Syon House.’

‘Pleased?’
said
Darwin. ‘You jest,’ said Darwin. ‘Syon House was
my
house until
he
returned,’
said Darwin.

‘Ah,
yes,’ said the detective. ‘I see how that might be a problem.’ And then he had
a bit of a think and said, ‘Oh my dear dead mother, I am homeless, too.’

‘
You
did not live at Syon House,’ said Darwin.

‘I
lived
at our offices,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘The salubrious and expensive-to-maintain
offices of Banana and Bell. The offices for which rent has not been paid for a
year.

‘Oh
your dear dead mother indeed,’ said Darwin. And then he too had a bit of a
think. ‘Could I just get something straight,‘ he asked, ‘so that everything is
made clear?’

Cameron
Bell did shruggings of the shoulders while he sipped champagne.

‘Well,’
said Darwin, ‘all the foregoing that Mr Bell has just recalled, all the
foregoing that brings us up to this present day …

Cameron
Bell and Ernest Rutherford nodded.

‘Well,
it pretty much covered everything,’ said Darwin, ‘including things that
happened to other people when Mr Bell and I were elsewhere.’

Cameron
Bell and Mr Rutherford glanced somewhat at each other.

‘Well,’
said Darwin, ‘should I be aware of all those things, too? Even the things that
occurred when I was unconscious, drugged by Lavinia Dharkstorrm, on Mars when
Mr Bell blew up the spaceport and so on?’

Cameron
Bell and Mr Rutherford took to shaking their heads. ‘Let us assume you should
not,’
they agreed.

‘Good,’
said Darwin. ‘Because otherwise I think I would become very confused indeed,
what with Mr Bell being helped out by another Mr Bell from the future — I might
start to wonder how they both got together to release me. You see, I can think
of a number of reasons why that would not work—’

‘More
champagne?’ asked Cameron Bell. ‘Mr Rutherford, please give my partner another
glass of champagne.’

‘I’m
still drinking this one,’ said Darwin. ‘And further-more— ‘Let us assume,’ said
Mr Bell, ‘that you know absolutely nothing whatever about
anything
that
happened when you were not there to see it happen.’

‘That
is a great weight off my mind,’ said Darwin.

‘But
not mine,’ said Mr Bell, who could find numerous things with which to find
fault regarding his dealings on Mars with his future self.

‘Well,
all is almost well that ends well.’ Mr Rutherford upended a champagne bottle.
‘And that, I regret, is the last of my stock,’ said he, ‘so that ends well as
well.’

Mr
Cameron Bell said, ‘Then I think we must be going.’

‘Going
where?’ asked Darwin. ‘We are homeless and office-less. Do you have any money?’

Mr
Bell now patted at himself ‘My pockets are all but bare,’ said he. ‘I have but
a guinea or two at most.’

‘What
do you have in the bank?’ asked Darwin. ‘Nothing,’ said the downcast detective.
‘And you?’ ‘Not a penny to call my own,’ said the monkey. ‘Bananaries are most
expensive to build.’ And then he thought about the destruction that had been
wrought upon his Bananary and this thought made him tearful. ‘And Lord
Brentford shot me dead,’ said Darwin.

‘Come
now, my little friend.’ Mr Bell did kindly pattings on the monkey’s shoulder.
‘There must be some way that the two of us can turn some coin and get ourselves
back on our feet.’

‘I
have it,’ said Mr Rutherford. ‘I am working very hard at present to complete my
time-ship. The one that I know will work because the two of you have (or will
have) travelled upon it.’