The Dysfunctional Test (20 page)

She swallowed, not liking the sound of that. Wishing on stars, dancing in the rain, and scaring the crap out of her with clowns was one thing, but talking was another. She couldn’t hide from him, so whatever he wanted to discuss would most assuredly leave her vulnerable and bleeding. She didn’t do talking. Not well anyway.

Emily walked to the edge of the pool and held her arms out for Troy. Grinning, he told her to jump. Scared, Emily shook her head. Troy assured her niece that he’d catch her, reminding Camryn of his experiment in the woods the other night. In response, Emily sat on the edge of the pool and slipped in. As promised, Troy caught her. Camryn watched them with a smile as Troy glided Emily through the water.

From the chair next to her, his cell chimed. “Troy, you have a text.”

He deposited Emily in the shallow end and swam to her side of the pool, crossing his arms over the side. “Go ahead and check it.”

She reached for the cell and touched the screen.

From Lindsay: Missing you in my bed. Can we get together later?

Her stomach recoiled as she stared at the blatant reminder of why they could never be a couple. One of many reasons. She’d never even heard him mention Lindsay’s name. He probably didn’t even remember her.

“Who is it?” he asked.

She touched the screen to save the message for him. He’d want it once they were back in Milwaukee. And that shouldn’t hurt this much.

“Spam.”

He nodded, heading back to retrieve Emily and swishing her through the water.

“You know, Camryn,” Tetaka Myrtle said, “you’re going to get a tan line from the swimming suit straps.”

And they weren’t done discussing sunburns. Hooray. She looked down at her plain, white one-piece. She’d only been outside fifteen minutes, for crying out loud.

“You could borrow one of my suits,” Heather suggested, just to make peace.

She was getting a little tired of that. Why did her sister always have to be the peacemaker? Why did there need to be a peacemaker? They were supposed to be a family. Families weren’t supposed to be this neurotic.

“I have another suit without ties,” she went on to say.

If Heather’s strapless bikinis looked like kite string on her, they definitely wouldn’t fit Camryn. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“That’s not a bad idea. Maybe you should,” Kuma Viola said.

Troy lifted Emily out of the pool, and got out himself, standing next to Camryn while he dried off. “You’re getting mad,” he said for her ears only.

She shaded her eyes. “I’m around the loony bin escapees. I’m always mad. You just never noticed.”

“Camryn, listen to them,” her mother shouted.

“Stand up for yourself,” he whispered.

“What are you talking about? I’m not starting a fight…”

“I didn’t say fight. I said stand up for yourself.” He crossed his arms, water dripping off his man candy body.

What did it matter if she stood up for herself or not? They’d never listen, and she’d just wind up with laryngitis.

Probably another thing on his list. Why would he care if she yelled back? If she did spontaneous things? Wished on stupid effing stars? What the crap was his idiotic list about anyway?

“Are you ignoring me?” her mother asked, voice as ear-piercing as ever.

Troy raised his brows, waiting on her. She peered around him to address her mother. “I’m trying to ignore you, but you’re making that difficult.”

Troy leaned over and braced his hands on her armrests. “Stand. Up. For. Yourself,” he whispered. “And while you’re at it, curse.”

She glared at him. “I’ve had it with you and your list, Troy.”

“Prove it,” he challenged. “In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never heard you curse. You probably censor the thoughts in your pretty little head too.”

Pretty little
… She ground her teeth. “Shut up, Troy.”

“Or what?”

Emily climbed in her lap, soaking her dry suit. “Daddy’s gonna wash your mouth out with soap for talking back. He tells me that all the time, but he never does.” After this announcement, she got up and bounded back to Anna.

Her mother wasn’t finished. “Camryn Covic, don’t get sassy with me. We’re trying to help…”

Troy spoke over her mother. “Curse, Cam. Stand up for yourself and…”

Camryn flew off her chair. “Enough!” she shouted, quieting the peanut gallery from hell. “I’m not a damn child. You needn’t worry that I’ll ruin Heather’s wedding. No one will be looking at me, anyway. It doesn’t matter if I have sunburn, or tan lines, or my hair shaved from stitches. No one ever sees me with her in the room.” She glared at Troy, hands fisted. “Are you
fucking
happy now?”

Justin’s dad exited the patio doors. “I’m ready to put the steaks on. How does everyone like theirs cooked?”

Camryn looked at him, the poor, poor man. “Better make mine a chicken breast, Tim. I’m already too fat for my dress. Mustn’t rip the seams for Heather’s big day.”

Bending over, she whipped her beach towel from her chair and stalked into the house.

Troy dropped his towel to the cement, shaking his head and wanting to laugh. Cam had cursed. And fought back against her family’s constant nagging. Check and check. Now they were getting somewhere.

He looked at Tim, standing near the grill with a pan of uncooked steak, wearing a man apron and looking shell-shocked. Troy picked up his cell and sat in the chair. “I like my steak medium-rare, Tim. And Camryn likes hers well-done.”

“Troy Lansky,” her mother said. “Why are you grinning?”

“Hey, just because Cam got mad and left doesn’t mean you can harass me in her wake.”

Heather looked at the other shocked faces. “I thought she was happy for us. I thought she wanted to be my maid of honor. Why is she so mad?”

Troy sighed. The family still didn’t get it. “She is happy for you, she just doesn’t understand why your wedding has become about her.”

“I’ve never heard her swear before,” Anna said. “It was like The Twilight Zone. I’m going to have nightmares.”

Troy grinned, but Mom wasn’t done. “I don’t see why asking her to put sunscreen on upset her. She could get skin cancer.”

Bernice, ever quiet until now, dropped her hand from her chest. “Perhaps asking her instead of telling her would be better received. If she had known you were worried about skin cancer and not what she looked like in her dress, maybe she wouldn’t have gotten angry.”

Well said, Bernice
. She deserved a huge pat on the back for that one. Plus, it shut up Cam’s mom. Not an easy task.

Troy tossed Dad the bottle of sunscreen, as his bald head was turning pink. Dad stared at it before saying, “What was this fat business?”

Troy wanted to know the answer to that too. Camryn had a beautiful body. After last night, he could attest to that firsthand. Hell, he’d never forget that body as long as he lived. All curves and lean muscle. She wasn’t an anorexic model, but she was far from fat. She was normal, healthy…

He flashed back to their meals, and couldn’t remember her finishing a plate of food. She’d eaten, but not as much as normal. Or was that normal for her? He’d never paid attention. Even on their Paris day, she’d only eaten one crepe, one croissant.

At the sound of voices, Troy looked up. Apparently over Cam’s outburst, the family moved on to relaying to Tim how they wanted their steaks cooked, and arguing whether Nana could eat steak with dentures.

Troy touched his cell screen to pull up some music and tune them out when he saw he had a saved text. Wondering why Cam saved a spam note, he opened it.

Shit. Lindsay. He’d dated her two years ago for all of a week. Every once and awhile she’d booty text him when she was lonely or desperate. As always before, he sent her a message to decline.

Out of town. Also happily with someone else now. Best to you.

Cam had seen this. He wondered how she felt about another woman, in the picture or not. After last night, he couldn’t tell what she wanted. He thought she wanted him like he wanted her, disastrous as that may be.

She’d had no reaction as far as he could tell when she opened the text.

Either way, he warned her. They were going to talk. He would get some of his answers tonight.

They were all cowards, the lot of them. They’d sent Emily to her bedroom to fetch her for dinner. Only her family would use an innocent three-year-old as a buffer.

So there they were, sitting around the tables outside, eating dinner in silence. It was the craziest, most wonderful thing Cam had ever experienced. Silence from her family. Who knew? Troy had riled her to the point she’d lost it, defending herself, as he called it,
and
cursing. It wasn’t something she planned on doing often, if ever again, but perhaps there was some merit to this list of his. Anything that could shut up the Covics couldn’t be all bad.

What she’d really like to know was what Troy’s motives were.

Camryn cut another bite of her perfectly cooked, well-done steak and slid it into her mouth.

“What’s fucking mean?” Emily asked.

Nana spit out the baked potato she’d been chewing. Heather pounded her on the back as she coughed. Mom and Dad exchanged horrified looks. Bernice’s jaw dropped to the picnic table. And Troy…laughed.

“Emily Covic,” Fisher chastised, setting down his corn on the cob. “We do not use that language!”

Emily glanced around the table. “But Auntie Cam did! I want to know what it means!”

“Well,” Anna said calmly, “when you get older I’ll explain it.”

“But I’m older than I was this morning!”

“Still not old enough,” Tetaka Myrtle mumbled under her breath.

“I am too. I’m free years old,” Emily argued, not helping her cause. “I’m not a baby.”

“You’ll always be our baby,” Mom said, not helping the situation in the least.

Emily crossed her arms over her chest, huffing like Puff, the Magic Dragon on steroids. “It’s not fair.”

Fisher nodded. “Life’s not fair. And we’re done talking about this. Eat your dinner.”

“I don’t want to. I want to know what…”

“Eh hem,” Cam interrupted, causing the collective whole to look at her. If it was one thing she learned from her niece, it was kids never forgot. They had a one-track mind. Emily would not let this go until she got an answer, no matter what the answer may be.

Cam finished chewing and said, “Fucking is a noun formed from a verb by adding the ‘ing’ suffix after it. A suffix of nouns formed from verbs expresses the action of the verb or its result, product and material. And your dad is right, it’s a naughty word. So, I can trust you’ll never say it again. Just like shit, hell and damn.”

Nana’s silverware clattered to her plate. The rest of the family stared at her in stunned silence, forks suspended in midair. They kind of resembled a paused movie. It was quite entertaining, actually.

Camryn took another bite of her steak and chewed. “The steak is very good, Tim.”

“Um, thank you.”

Emily looked at Fisher. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

Justin laughed. “I’m not sure your dad even knows what Auntie Cam just said. I know I don’t.”

Cam looked at Troy out of the corner of her eye. He put a hand to his chest. “Camryn, that was the sexiest thing I’ve ever witnessed.”

She thought he was joking until she fully looked at him. His dark eyes were three times the size of normal, and his mouth hung agape. Huh. He was as insane as the rest of them.

Yjaka Mitch grimaced. “Troy, come on…”

“No, seriously,” he insisted. “
The
sexiest.”

“It
was
kinda sexy,” Justin mumbled, which received an honorary slap from Heather. “What? It was.”

“What’s sexist mean?”

Fisher rubbed his forehead. “Great, Troy. Thanks a lot.”

“Not sexist,” Heather corrected, “sex
iest
.”

“Heather!” Fisher shouted.

Emily slammed her hands on the table. “
Well,
what does it mean?”

They all turned their heads to Camryn. “Cam, please tell her,” Troy pleaded. “I can’t wait to hear this one.”

“Me either,” Justin agreed, receiving yet another slap from Heather.

“We don’t hit people, Auntie Heather! Use your words.” Emily looked at Camryn again. “Tell me.”

They’d always made fun of her in the past for having an intellectual brain. For being a plethora for useless knowledge. Now they were interested?

“Uh,” she mumbled. “Sexy is defined as generally appealing and attractive. By adding the suffix ‘est’ it implies the most appealing or attractive of all.”

Troy nodded. “Exactly.”

“Is it a naughty word?” Emily asked.

Fisher pointed at Camryn with raised brows. “You be careful how you answer that, dear sister.”

Camryn rolled her eyes. “No, Emily. It’s not a naughty word, but it is a very adult word, so you should only use it when you’re much older, and in the correct context.”