The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (31 page)

“
What
happened?” I asked again, this time a little too
eager. The suspense was killing me. A multitude of possibilities
raced through my head.

“
I fanny
farted.”

“
You what?” I
said pulling my hand away in disgust. Did she say what I think she
said?

“
I fanny
farted,” Hannah said with her head in her hands. “And I did it
again. And again. And again. I couldn’t stop. It became a real
problem for me. The kids teased me and called me Fanny Fart
Kennedy. It was horrible.”

“
No shit,” I
said, and then I realised I might have been coming across a little
insensitive. “I mean, you poor thing.” But that didn’t stop
her.

“
As I got
older it became more of a problem, especially with boyfriends. I
was with a guy who dumped me because I fanny farted while we were
in the 69er position. I was horrified.”

And she didn’t stop there
either.

“
I had no
control over them. They would go off at the most random of places.
At the cinema, at work, at funerals. It got so bad the doctor put
me on antidepressants.” She paused. “And then I spent six weeks in
a mental institute.”

You couldn’t make this shit
up.

“
You spent six
weeks in a mental institute...” I hesitated to finish, not quite
believing I would ever utter this sentence to anyone. “... because
you suffered from fanny farts?”

Hannah nodded. “But it’s okay
now. I do pelvic floor exercises, tensing the muscles down below
and that keeps it under control.”

I looked at Hannah and I could
see the pain behind her eyes. This poor girl had obviously suffered
from something that is quite natural and probably happens to a lot
of girls. It wasn’t her fault. My heart really went out to her. I
felt guilty for judging her.

Then from under the table came
a noise similar to that of air escaping a balloon.

“
Sorry.”

Date Two

Who:
Kayleigh Marconi

When:
Saturday, July 11

Where:
Picnic at Hyde Park

Background:
A former work colleague
from the bar I worked in while I was at university.

“
This was a
nice idea,” Kayleigh said as I took a bite from my
sandwich.

And it was a nice idea. It was
a scorching hot day and the park was packed with people making the
most of the weather. The park had a lot of history. When Henry VIII
claimed the land in the sixteenth century it became a royal hunting
ground. It seemed an appropriate spot seeing as I had very much
been on the hunt for the last six months.

“
So tell me
what you have been up to since we last saw each other,” I
asked.

“
Where do I
start?” she said, pausing to think as she chewed on her ham salad
sandwich. “
Sooo
many things have happened over the last three years. Oooh, I
know!” she said very upbeat. “I am now a professional
singer.”

“
Wow,” I was
impressed.

“
Yeah, I cut a
dance track last year but it didn’t get released because the DJ was
doing his GCSE’s.”

Not quite as impressive as it
had first sounded. Perhaps I was being too judgmental. Never in my
life had I become remotely close to releasing a song.

“
That is a
shame,” I said. “Why don’t you sing me a few lines?”

“
No, I
couldn’t,” Kayleigh said quite bashfully.

“
Oh don’t
be...”

And before I could even finish,
Kayleigh said “Okay” and got to her feet.

“
Imagine a
quick beat and soft piano riff,” Kayleigh said clearing her throat.
“Here goes.”

In my eyes, the purple moon sky
rises,

Soooooooo high...

In my eyes, the blood red sun
rises,

Soooooooo high...

This part of the song was
accompanied by a strange dance movement which involved Kayleigh’s
arms dancing towards the sky like two snakes. It was kind of odd,
but I smiled encouragingly.

I wanna get high, in the
sky,

Take a look at my face, you can
see it in my eye.

I wanna get high, in the
sky,

Until I do, you can’t have my
apple pie.

And before you ask, yes, she
did say apple pie. I even checked myself.

The dance moves speeded up and
thrown into the mix included Kayleigh raising her knees one at a
time at a ferocious pace. People were starting to look as she
repeated the routine quicker. As far as I could see, the whole song
needed to find as many words as possible that rhymed with sky. Lye,
spy, necktie, thigh, goodbye, fry, hawk-eye, magpie, sand-fly. The
list went on.

My favourite
line was
I wanna get high, in the sky, you
can be my Daniel San, and say BONSAI!
As a
fan of 80’s films, I thought that was a nice tribute to the
Karate Kid
.

“
What do you
think?” Kayleigh said, out of breath.

“
That was...
different,” was the best I could manage.

“
Would you
like me to teach you the dance?”

“
No, God no,”
I said, a little too hastily. “I mean, I don’t like
dancing.”

Kayleigh shrugged and went back
to her sandwich. It was at this point I had a flashback about
Kayleigh. I remembered the time she managed to lock herself in one
of the cubicles at the bar where we worked.

She spent the whole night
there.

So she wasn’t the brightest
spark, but that was okay. I was after her body and not her mind
after all. And if things didn’t work out between us, I could always
introduce her to Ollie.

During her routine, I’d noticed
that Kayleigh had her tongue pierced. That always intrigued me, as
next to a mallet to the testicles, I always considered a bolt
through the tongue to be the next most painful experience you could
put your body through.

“
Did that
hurt?” I said pointing to her tongue.

“
No, not
really,” she replied. “Not as much as when I had my clit
pierced.”

“
Excuse me?” I
nearly choked on my prawn sandwich.

“
I got it done
just before I went on holiday last year,” Kayleigh said picking up
another sandwich. “I was lying on my front, sunbathing around the
pool,” she continued.

“
Yeah?” I
nervously said.

“
And I slid
forward to get up...”

“
Yeah...?”

“
And it got
caught on something...”

“
Yeah...?”

“
And it
ripped,” Kayleigh said as nonchalantly as you like, biting into her
sandwich. “So now I don’t have a clit anymore.”

I looked at one of the prawns
in my sandwich and suddenly felt quite sick.

Date Three

Who:
Lucy Mellor

When:
Friday, July 24

Where:
Drinks in
South
Croydon

Background:
Met at a friend’s party
last year and had some chemistry but nothing was ever taken further
because I was in a relationship.

We practically fell down the
hallway when we got back to Lucy’s flat; our lips locked together.
The evening had turned out to be a fantastic success. Lucy had
flirted outrageously from the get-go and all the signs were
there.

Things were getting heavy. She
slammed me against the wall, biting my lip. We bounced off the
opposite sides of the hallway until we eventually stumbled into the
living room. She pushed me down onto the couch and locked her legs
around me.

This was really going to
happen, third time lucky! Finally my drought would come to an end.
It had been a long drawn out process. My libido had been clinging
to the lifeboat for months, drifting aimlessly out to deep, lonely,
secluded waters. But not anymore. Tonight would be the night I
would be rescued, drained of all bodily fluids and pulled to dry
shores.

Lucy was insatiable, grinding
up and down against me. She moaned like a wild animal, while I
could do nothing but make strange groans like a man desperate not
to ejaculate while being dry humped to death. Her dry hump
technique suddenly moved up a gear, and she got rougher as she took
the pace up a notch. The friction was now starting to get a little
too much for me so I pulled her down onto the sofa and got on top
of her.

She grabbed me and pulled me
towards her and started to rub herself against me again. The
sensation of jeans and underwear rubbing against my genitals was
now starting to take its toll. I needed to take control. So I
reached down and started to unzip the fly to her jeans. She grabbed
my hand and whispered “stop” into my ear.

“
I just want
to let you know,” she said between kisses. “Nothing is going to
happen tonight.”

What? What was this – some sort
of sick game?

“
What do you
mean?” I asked, trying to keep calm.

“
I don’t want
you to think I’m the type of girl who sleeps with a guy on the
first date.”

Why would she
say that? She had invited me back to her place. She practically
molested me in the taxi ride home. She had given my penis friction
burns, the scars of which may never heal. She had done everything
to fill me with hope that she was
exactly
that type of
girl.

“
I won’t think
badly of you,” I said. “I promise,” and I took my chances to reach
for her zipper again, only to be denied. Again.

“
Let’s take
things slow,” she said sliding out from underneath me so we were
now laying side by side. “Let’s just cuddle for a
while.”

Cuddle? Like the after sex
cuddle? But with no friggin’sex? Men don’t like cuddling after sex
at the best of times. After sex our work is done. If anything we
would prefer no physical contact. And if you have come to the guys
place and you are a one-night stand, don't ask us to call you a
taxi either. Think yourself lucky that we are even pointing you in
the direction of the bus stop. You should leave immediately after
the sex is over. Preferably without stealing anything on the way
out.

Surely there had to be some
sort of law about this sort of thing. Maybe I could take this to
Parliament.

Then I had a plan. I turned
into Lucy so we were face-to-face and started kissing again. I
edged closer and imitated my very own form of dry humping. She was
into it, this was going well. Her moans started up again and slowly
I reached my hand back towards the forbidden fruit.

“
Dan, I said
no,” Lucy said slapping my hand away. She sat up and ran her hands
through her hair. Maybe I could beg, would that work? I shook my
head as I imagined an image of myself, homeless and holding a sign
that read
Will have sex for food.
Begging for sex was never a good look for
anyone.

What I needed was a line. The
type of line straight from the script of a romantic Hollywood
blockbuster; a real heart-melter. I had to say something that all
girls wanted to hear; something that would have her eating out the
palm of my hand to rescue this situation.

Then a moment of
inspiration.

“
I’ve got to
tell you, Lucy,” I started, stroking her face. “Looking into your
eyes, I think you could be the first girl I fall in love with since
I broke up with my ex.”

And the Oscar goes to…

“
You think you
might fall in love with me?” Lucy said. I proudly smiled back at
her and nodded. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever
heard.”

Hey, I took a shot. Looking
back it wasn’t the best line I could have used.

“
More
ridiculous than inviting someone back and then not having sex with
them?” I shot back.

Again, probably not the
smartest thing I could have said but I was mad. I was even
considering bypassing Parliament and taking my case to the European
Court of Human Rights.

“
I think you
had better leave,” Lucy said sitting up and buttoning up her
blouse.

“
Fine by me,”
I sat up ready to storm out of there, but realised I had a slight
problem. The problem being I was still pitching a tent. “Can you
give me five minutes?”

Chapter 20:
Shop Horror

Friday, July 31 - 5.15pm

Drought Clock: 210 days, 19
hours, 22 minutes

“
Daniel!”
Dick bellowed across the office. “I need to see you and Kelly in
here now.” It was 5.15pm on Friday afternoon. We had managed to
avoid Dick for a whole week, so it was inevitable he would now
attempt to ruin the start of our weekend.

“
What now?” I
said to Kelly as we both made our way to Dick’s office. He was
sitting at his desk holding a piece of paper in his hand. We closed
the door and sat down.

“
Can someone
tell me what this is?” he asked waving the piece of paper in his
hand. “I’ve just seen that we are forecasting to miss budget again
next month.”

“
We are trying
to drum up some new prospects, but people are being very cautious
at this time of the year and not spending,” I offered as an
explanation. “If you look at the plan for quarter three, we are
planning to make up the money when the market picks up.”