The Drifting (33 page)

I look up at Tharin as he continues to laugh at me and I struggle even more to get out from under him.  It’s useless, he has me by a hundred or more pounds and by the way he’s got me pinned, he obviously
h
as more experience.  I stop struggling and glare up at him, “I can’t breathe!”

He shifts his weight, saying, “That’s it?  That’s all you’re going to do?” he asks mockingly with that damn smirk on his face.  I remain still, not saying a word, and I avert my eyes to look just past his shoulders at the sky, and I wonder for the first time…when did it stop raining?  He places his hand on the side of my head forcing me to look at him.  “What, no more fighting?  I wonder…” he says looking off as if in deep thought.

“What?” I ask still trying to catch my breath.

“Have you always resisted a bath?”

I can feel myself turning red.  Granted we did have a hard practice this morning, but nothing different from any other day.  There’s the getting sick part, but it was mostly on him, not me.  Suddenly,
and
for no reason
,
I become conscious about how I smell.  Sema gave me something that looked like a bar of soap but told me it was deodorant…so it can’t be that.  Still, it takes an effort not to try and sniff at my underarm. 

He places his elbow next to me
, resting
his head on his fist.
  He continues to look down at me with a crooked smile.  I have to look away, but once again he forces my head back to look at him.  This time when I look up at him, his eyes are serious.

“Why haven’t you come to me in the
drifting
state, Lily?” His voice has an edge to it, but there’s also sadness there that surprises me.   I remain quiet and I close my eyes because looking at him and having him close is painful.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to,” I reply with a small shrug.

He leans his head away from his hand looking at me startled.  “Why would you think that?”

Without thinking, I reach up and remove a gold blade of grass from his shoulder.  I look at it with wonder, feeling the gold strip between my fingers as I try to get my thoughts together.

“Talk to me, Lily.”

I keep my eyes on the blade of grass, “Kalis.”

“What about her?” he asks looking at me carefully. 

I look up to meet his gaze.  “I don’t have any business coming to you in any form, Tharin.  You belong with her and I won’t come between the two of you.”

Tharin shakes his head, “Okay, enough of this.  I don’t love Kalis.”  My breathing stops mid-breath.  “I mean, I do love her…but I’m not
in love
with her.” I let out a slow breath, trying to act as if his words didn’t affect me.  “I’m in love with you, Lily, and if you just stop trying to fight this…us…you’ll see that you’re in love with me, too.”

I don’t know how to feel or what to say.  He’s in love with me?  I close my eyes, confused…but what of Kalis?  I look at him trying to keep my feelings in check and not get pissed off.  “But I saw you with Kalis on the path after the fight.  I saw you hold her and kiss her.  Then when you rode away I saw how you held her close to you.  You can’t tell me after all that that you don’t love her.” 

“It wasn’t real, Lily.  I mean, yes, there were feelings there, but not what you think.  You have to remember that everyone has to believe you’re dead.”

“So Kalis thinks I’m dead?”  He nods.  “But that would mean…Tharin, are you using her?”

A painful look crosses his face, “I have to, Lily.  That’s the emotion you witnessed…that I would have to use a friend in that way.”

“No, you’re using someone who loves you.  It’s worse…don’t you understand that?’

“Kalis is a warrior, she will understand.  I’m not a beast, Lily.  She’s a friend and when all this is over, I will sit down and talk to her about it.  And I hope you will understand I do care for her…but I’m not in love with her.”

Again I nod, still unsure and feeling awful for Kalis.  I think of all the nights I lost sleep thinking of Tharin with her.  I don’t think he gets it, and I feel for both of them when the time comes when he does finally talk with her.

“So, she and everyone there think I’m dead?”

He sighs heavily, “Yes.  Everyone does except for Tolan, Mellis, Ka, my father and me.”

I look at him puzzled, “And Julia.”

He turns away to lay on his back with one arm behind his head the other covering his eyes.  I lean forward to look at his covered face, “And Julia, right?”

He sits up, his back toward me.  I grab his shoulder trying to get him to look at me.  “Tharin, Julia knows I’m alive, right?”

When he doesn’t answer I sit back stunned.  Oh my God…Julia thinks I’m dead.  I can’t even imagine what she must’ve gone through, what she’s going through now.  Images of my friend after learning of her mother’s disappearance flood my mind.   I close my eyes and rub the bridge of my nose, trying to keep them at bay.  Oh God, Julia.  I get up and walk away putting distance between Tharin and me.  I just can’t believe this and my anger is quick to rise as I turn on him only to find him standing right behind me.  “How could you do this?” I practically scream at him, my fist
s
at my sides.

“Lily, we had to make sure whoever this Eathos is, is convinced you’re dead.  If not, there would still be others hunting you.  We can’t let them know until the Seating.  Even then you’ll still be in danger because he needs you.”

I push past him.  I walk toward the pond, watching the waterfall, trying to calm down.  I’m so mad my anger causes me to shake and I wrap my arms around myself.  What do I say to that?  Save my life at my friend’s expense? 

Tharin comes up behind me, not touching me.  “I’m sorry.”

I shake my head, refusing to look at him, my anger still evident.  I see movement to the side of us and Milina comes into view, letting me know she’s there if I need her.  Without turning around, I say, “You don’t understand, Tharin.  You don’t know what Julia went through when she lost her mom.  It almost killed her.” 

Tharin finally takes me by the shoulder, turning me to him.  He lifts my chin with a finger, “I’m sorry.  I truly am, and I promise I’ll make it up to her…and Tolan.”

“Tolan?”

“I asked him to not to tell her the truth.”

I push away from him, “You what?  Geezus, Tharin, Tolan is the first guy she’s ever trusted.  And you told him to keep something like this from her?  Have you lost your damn mind?”

Tharin throws up his hands, then combs his hair angrily with one and places the other on his hip.  Great.  That’s all I need is to be reminded that he’s half-naked.  I turn from him, breathing deeply and setting my thoughts back on Julia.  My poor friend…what she must be going through.  I turn back to Tharin, determined on my next move, “I want to see her.  Take me to her now.”  He folds his arms, straightening and I recognize the look on his face.  “I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, Tharin.  I want to see Julia.  She must be a wreck…she needs me.”

“No, Lily, she’s fine.”

“What do mean ‘she’s fine’?”

“Didn’t Alorn or Ziri tell you Julia’s in training?  She took the news hard, trust me, but she seems to be dealing with it through her days practicing.  And I have to tell you, she’s amazing at her training.”

“I don’t believe you,” I say stubbornly, not believing Julia would get over me dying so quickly.  I had forgotten that Ziri and Alorn told me about her training, but they didn’t mention anything about her not knowing I was still alive.  Maybe they didn’t know
Julia doesn’t
.

“It’s true.  She’s quickly learned our style, our moves and has become a favorite among the others, including Kalis.”

It seems as if the air has been sucked out of the clearing.  I take a step closer to him so I don’t misunderstand his meaning.  Quietly I ask, “What did you say?”

“What?  That she’s a favorite?”

“No.  The part about she’s also Kalis’ favorite?”

Finally realizing what he’d said, he shrugs his shoulders at me, arms still folded.  “Kalis is captain of the guards and responsible for the training and other duties.  She helped Julia with her training and getting acclimated with being part of the clan.  She’s also someone I thought Julia could, you know…talk to.”

I take each step toward him with my finger pointing at his chest until I’m touching him with it.  “You have my best friend, my sister, my only family, working out and training with your ex?”

He looks down at me, clearly seeing nothing wrong with having Julia become friends with Kalis.  “Yes, Lily, I did.  Was that wrong?”

I glare at him and through clenched teeth I say, “
You son of a bitch!
” 

He looks at me in surprise that I would use the actual curse word, but I don’t give a damn.  That’s my Julia!  I’m so mad I could just
choke
him.  I know I’m being unreasonable, childish really, but with Lucas gone, Julia is the only family I have.  She’s
my
friend.  And, yeah, why would I want my only friend to be friends with his ex?  Who am I supposed to talk trash about Kalis to? 

Tharin moves to put his arms around me and I slap them away.  The thought that Julia may have found a new best friend in Kalis has taken the wind out of me.  He moves toward me again and I hit him on the chest, but it didn’t stop him.  I don’t want to start crying, but it’s just too much.  When he wraps his arms around me I sniff into his chest trying my best not to break down.  “I’m sorry, Lily.  Really I am, and when this is all over I’ll make it up to you…and Julia…and Tolan…and Kalis.”

Tharin starts to rub my back in an up-and-down motion, as he did the first time we met in
San Diego
.  I lay my head on his chest, liking the feel of it, and finally letting go of my anger, I slip my arms around his waist.  He hugs me tighter, placing his cheek on my head as he cradles it in his hand.  I don’t know what to believe anymore.  For weeks now I’ve made myself forget about him, believing that he loves Kalis, and yet, here we are. 

I feel him shift.  “Talk to me, Lily.”

“About what, Tharin?” I ask honestly.  So much has happened I don’t know where to start or even if I want to start talking about any of it again.

“Have you feelings for Ziri?” he asks quietly, surprising me. 

I lift my head quickly, looking at him appalled, “Are you serious, Tharin?”  I push at him, but he holds me in place. 

“Well, do you?”

“How can you say that?” I ask.  “He’s your brother…why would I mess around with your brother?  Who does that?”

“Obviously you do.”

I’m so shocked by what he just said that I pinch his side until he winces, grabbing at my hand.  “I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.”

He laughs as he takes my hand and kisses it.  “Do not abuse your husband, Lily,” he whispers as he nuzzles my ear. 

“You’re not my husband,” I answer, trying to keep my thoughts together.

He lets me go to look me in the eye, “I saw you sitting together…you were holding onto him.  You hugged him twice and the way you two looked at each other, we all knew the kiss was coming.”

“Tharin, we were talking about him and Nameth…he loves her.”  He gives me a confused look. 

“Stop looking at me like that.  He truly loves her, always has and always will and you’re going to help him get her.”

“I am?  I don’t even know who this Nameth is.”

“You’re kidding, right?  Your brother has been tortured all these years over a girl you don’t even bother to know or remember?”

“Wait…you’re telling me he’s been angry at me over someone I don’t even know?  That idiot.”  I roll my eyes at him as he steps forward and wraps his arm around me again.  “Okay, if you say I must, then I will.” 

I lower my head for a moment.  “What, Lily?”

“I’m sorry, Tharin, but I can’t stop worrying about Julia.  You just don’t know…I mean…if you knew how she –” he doesn’t let me finish. 

“Lily, the first thing we’ll do when we get back is to let Julia know the truth.  I promise, and if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, I will.  For you, I will.”