The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (13 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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because there is no sense of a common goal. Commitment is the essential ingredient for a good relationship, and renewing that statement of togetherness is what makes relationships last.
Cooperation
Following the birth of their third child ten years earlier, Rhonda had begun to gain weight slowly. She struggled with diets and lifestyle changes, often asking her husband, Roger, for support in shedding a few pounds. Nothing seemed to work. When discussing her frustrations with a friend, Rhonda realized that although she thought her husband had been supportive of her, she never felt that he was as committed as she was. She realized that she needed him to be more than just helpful; she needed him to work with her to conquer her problem. They were not really working as a team to reach a common goal. She talked with Roger about it, and he agreed that they would take on her weight together. To ensure that they cooperated on this project, they developed an ingenious plan. They registered together at a local weight-loss clinic and decided that their couple needed to lose weight. At the weekly weigh-ins, they asked that the instructors tell them how many pounds they weighed together, not individually. In that manner, they could determine how much they had lost as a team. This plan kept them working together for a number of months. During that time they both lost weight and could approach some of their other problems using the same teamwork approach.
The notion of taking on life and its issues as a "team sport" may sound obvious. Most couples, however, really do not cooperate that much. They may seem to take actions together in parenting or dealing with in-laws, but they really don't function the way a team does, planning together, setting a common goal, practicing, and working with a coach. Do most of us really
 
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begin the day with a planning session the way an athletic team might? This sort of cooperation is actually a common experience of healthy and happy couples. Goals can be set by establishing visions or sharing dreams, but they must be achieved with team spirit.
Cooperation works best once commitment has been established. Difficulty in cooperating occurs not because people do not know how to do it, but because of failure to be truly committed to each other and to common goals. In Rhonda and Roger's story, the best ideas about how to work as a team came after they decided that their couple was committed to losing weight. Partners must see that their goal is important enough for them to overcome obstacles along the way. Like mules pulling a wagon together up a hill, they lean on each other not out of attraction or even love, but because they know that cooperation works best to achieve the goal.
Communication
"I am sick and tired of it!" Nina complained to her mother one day on the phone. "I keep finding his socks all over the place, in the bathroom, by the bed, even in the kitchen. He is such a slob. I feel like his maid, not his wife."
Since they got married six months ago, Bobby left his socks everywhere. He would come home from work, take off his shoes and socks, and just leave them wherever he wanted. By now, whenever Nina saw him do this, she would either get angry and leave the room or comment that she was married to a pig. Bobby was not really sure why she was so angry. When she yelled at him, he would pick up his socks and put them in the hamper, but he didn't understand why it was such a big deal. They were just socks. They didn't even smell that bad. If Nina got angry, he would become quiet and walk away. Now
 
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they barely spoke and stayed in different parts of the house, Nina in the den and Bobby in the workshop down in the basement. Finally, Nina turned to her mother for help.
Her mom suggested a romantic dinner one evening after work when Nina could share her frustrations, not just venting her anger, but truly trying to understand what Bobby was feeling. ''You have to pretend that he speaks a different language and you have to translate what he says," Nina's mother advised.
The dinner was lovely, and they were both in a good mood by the time they got to coffee and dessert. Bobby seemed a bit confused about the whole business, given that he thought they hadn't been getting along very well. He felt better when Nina finally mentioned that they weren't communicating very well. "Bobby, there is one thing you do that drives me crazy. I just can't understand why you can't put your socks in the hamper all the time. I feel like you don't respect our house or me when you just leave them lying around. What are you thinking at those times?"
"Thinking?" Bobby replied. "I guess I'm
not
thinking. I'm just feeling relaxed and comfortable enough to put my bare feet on the ground in our home. When I was growing up, my mom always made us wear our shoes and socks. She thought it was dirty not to. I think she actually made my dad sleep in his socks at night. I loved to run around in my bare feet, especially on the carpeting in our house. But I never could. I always dreamed that when I had a home of my own and a family, it would be a comfortable place where I could walk around without shoes and socks."
"Do you mean that taking your socks off shows that you feel comfortable and welcome here?" Nina continued, encouraging him.
"I guess so. When I see my socks on the floor, sometimes I
 
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feel relaxed and safe. I don't mean to make a mess. Sometimes I forget that I've left them somewhere."
"Wow, that's really interesting." Nina was translating in her head. ("He's making a mess because he feels comfortable here. That's good. Maybe he's not such a slob. After all, he puts his other dirty clothes in the hamper.") "Bobby, did you know how annoying it is for me when you leave your socks around?'' she repeated gently. "It makes me feel like you don't respect our house or our relationship."
"Really?" Bobby was genuinely surprised. "No wonder you get so angry. I'm sorry. That is not what I mean to do."
As their open discussion went on, they were able to learn more about each other without judging. They simply listened. Then something important happened. Bobby asked what he might do differently so he would still feel comfortable and she would not feel disrespected. Nina made a request of him. "Bobby, how about you make a deal with me that at the end of the day, before you go up to bed, you pick up your socks?"
"But if I forget, then you'll be all mad at me and give me the cold shoulder," Bobby countered.
"No, my part of the deal is that I will agree to remind you without being angryat least the first time," she explained.
"That sounds fine."
Bobby and Nina gave it a try for a few weeks and found that it worked. They started talking about other things that bothered them as well.
Communicating clearly is very important to a good relationship. Once there is commitment and agreement to cooperate, it is essential to really listen to each othernot with the idea that you will have to defend yourself, but rather to find out what your partner really thinks and is trying to say. Listening without defending is the key. Sharing dreams and
 
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creating visions together can provide opportunities to use these skills regularly. The same techniques can then be used to communicate about almost anything.
Community
One day we were talking to a friend of ours from college and his wife about how they have managed to stay married so long. We wondered if there must be some secret to long-lasting relationships that they knew. Our friend thought for a while and then said, "Nancy and I have a very close set of friends who help. Most of them are couples and we all sort of hang out together. The important thing is that we are friends not only as individuals but as couples. We do things together, not just the women or the men, but the relationships. We can talk about how we are doing and see how our friends are doing as well. We share child care duties, vacations, neighborhood picnics, and dinner parties. We know each other well enough that we can sense when a relationship is struggling and share what is working for us. We get together often enough that we notice changes and don't need to talk about superficial things. We can talk about our deepest feelings and concerns."
What he was talking about was developing a sense of community, a couples community. Many people learn how to do things from their families and those around them. Why shouldn't that be true for relationships, too? Watching your parents in their marriage gives you some ideas about what to expect from a relationship.
The experience of community is a significant aspect of being in a relationship. Communities represent the living environments or the network of relationships you compare yourself to every day. They can give you information and also support. Sometimes they are models to follow, and other times they just
 
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feel like safe places to be. They are different from just regular friendships because the value of the couple is always considered. No matter how diligent or committed each couple is, you still need outside support. Communities can be formed in many ways, from neighborhoods, churches or synagogues, hobbies, extended families, work groups, and even groups brought together to share dreams or personal growth experiences. More and more, these communities are becoming the hope for relationships. They are places to share and problem-solve, and they provide opportunities for fun and enlightenment.
The four Cs of couple are necessary for sustaining a healthy relationship. You are always working on these tasks whether you are aware of it or not. Sometimes your dreams may tell you how you are doing. These four elements can manifest themselves in daydreams or night dreams and certainly are the basis for creating visioning dreams. (The four Cs are covered in more detail in subsequent chapters.) What is most clear, is that all the Cs are necessary. If things are not going well, it is useful to look for the missing C (or Cs) and work on that. Along with friends, relatives, and families, dreams can be used to help find the missing C and can also aid in enhancing commitment, cooperation, communication, and community. The successful dream couple uses dreams and visions to complete the tasks required to feel happy, fulfilled, and alive.
 
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Chapter Five
Commitment: Creating Couple Visions Through Dreamwork
Shooting Stars
While at a large group event, I go to find a bathroom in a large old mansion. An elegant-looking woman sitting on a lounge says that the bathroom in that area is not available. She shows me to a smaller one with a skylight. I go in and sit down on the toilet. I look up and see a dark cloud passing by with a bright light behind it. Then I see two big shooting stars emerge from the darkness close together, followed by two smaller shooting stars. I also see a small white burst of light similar to fireworks. I'm in awe. I go back outside to tell my friends, and one of them says, "Look at that!" I turn around and see two black clouds with white clouds interspersed. They move toward the ocean and turn into one black whale and several smaller whales or dolphins. I'm transfixed, feeling joy and connection.

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