The Drawing of the Three (19 page)

“I am, I think.”

“Well, maybe you could even walk for awhile tomorrow. I’ll tell you very frankly, my friend, dragging you is the pits and the shits.”

“I’ll try.”

“You do that.”

“You look a little better, too,” Roland ventures. His voice cracks on the last two words like the voice of a young boy.
If I don’t stop talking soon,
he thought,
I won’t be able to talk at all again.

“I guess I’ll live.” He looks at Roland expressionlessly. “You’ll never know how close it was a couple of times, though. Once I took one of your guns and put it against my head. Cocked it, held it there for awhile, and then took it away. Eased the hammer down and shoved it back in your holster. Another night I had a convulsion. I think that was the second night, but I’m not sure.” He shakes his head and says something the gunslinger both does and doesn’t understand. “Michigan seems like a dream to me now.”

Although his voice is down to that husky murmur again and he knows he shouldn’t be talking at all, the gunslinger has to know one thing. “What stopped you from pulling the trigger?”

“Well, this is the only pair of pants I’ve got,” Eddie says. “At the last second I thought that if I pulled the trigger and it was one of those dud shells, I’d never get up the guts to do it again . . . and once you shit your pants, you gotta wash ’em right away or live with the stink forever. Henry told me that. He said he learned it in Nam. And since it was nighttime and Lester the Lobster was out, not to mention all his friends—”

But the gunslinger is laughing, laughing hard, although only an occasional cracked sound actually escapes his lips. Smiling a little himself, Eddie says: “I think maybe you only got your sense of humor shot off up to the elbow in that war.” He gets up, meaning to go up the slope to where there will be fuel for a fire, Roland supposes.

“Wait,” he whispers, and Eddie looks at him. “Why, really?”

“I guess because you needed me. If I’d killed myself, you would have died. Later on, after you’re really on your feet again, I may, like, re-examine my options.” He looks around and sighs deeply.

“There may be a Disneyland or Coney Island somewhere in your world, Roland, but what I’ve seen of it so far really doesn’t interest me much.”

He starts away, pauses, and looks back again at Roland. His face is somber, although some of the sickly pallor has left it. The shakes have become no more than occasional tremors.

“Sometimes you really don’t understand me, do you?”

“No,” the gunslinger whispers. “Sometimes I don’t.”

“Then I’ll elucidate. There are people who need people to need them. The reason you don’t understand is because you’re not one of those people. You’d use me and then toss me away like a paper bag if that’s what it came down to. God fucked you, my friend. You’re just smart enough so it would hurt you to do that, and just hard enough so you’d go ahead and do it anyway. You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. If I was lying on the beach there and screaming for help, you’d walk over me if I was between you and your goddam Tower. Isn’t that pretty close to the truth?”

Roland says nothing, only watches Eddie.

“But not everyone is like that. There are people who need people to need them. Like the Barbra Streisand song. Corny, but true. It’s just another way of being hooked through the bag.”

Eddie gazes at him.

“But when it comes to that, you’re clean, aren’t you?”

Roland watches him.

“Except for your Tower.” Eddie utters a short laugh. “You’re a Tower junkie, Roland.”

“Which war was it?” Roland whispers.

“What?”

“The one where you got your sense of nobility and purpose shot off?”

Eddie recoils as if Roland has reached out and slapped him.

“I’m gonna go get some water,” he says shortly. “Keep an eye on the creepy crawlers. We came a long way today, but I still don’t know if they talk to each other or not.”

He turns away then, but not before Roland has seen the last red rays of sunset reflected on his wet cheeks.

Roland turns back to the beach and watches. The lobstrosities crawl and question, question and crawl, but both activities seem aimless; they have some intelligence, but not enough to pass on information to others of their kind.

God doesn’t always dish it in your face,
Roland thinks.
Most times, but not always.

Eddie returns with wood.

“Well?” he asks. “What do you think?”

“We’re all right,” the gunslinger croaks, and Eddie starts to say something but the gunslinger is tired now and lies back and looks at the first stars peeking through the canopy of violet sky and

in the three days that followed, the gunslinger progressed steadily back to health. The red lines creeping up his arms first reversed their direction, then faded, then disappeared. On the next day he sometimes walked and sometimes let Eddie drag him. On the day following he didn’t need to be dragged at all; every hour or two they simply sat for a period of time until the watery feeling went out of his legs. It was during these rests and in those times after dinner had been eaten but before the fire had burned all the way down and they went to sleep that the gunslinger heard about Henry and Eddie. He remembered wondering what had happened to make their brothering so difficult, but after Eddie had begun, haltingly and with that sort of resentful anger that proceeds from deep pain, the gunslinger could have stopped him, could have told him:
Don’t bother, Eddie. I understand everything.

Except that wouldn’t have helped Eddie. Eddie wasn’t talking to help Henry because Henry was dead. He was talking to bury Henry for good. And to remind himself that although Henry was dead, he, Eddie, wasn’t.

So the gunslinger listened and said nothing.

The gist was simple: Eddie believed he had stolen his brother’s life. Henry also believed this. Henry might have believed it on his own or he might have believed it because he so frequently heard their mother lecturing Eddie on how much both she and Henry had sacrificed for him, so Eddie could be as safe as anyone could be in this jungle of a city, so he could be
happy,
as happy as anyone could be in this jungle of a city, so he wouldn’t end up like his poor sister that he didn’t even hardly remember but she had been so beautiful, God love her. She was with the angels, and that was undoubtedly a wonderful place to be, but she didn’t want Eddie to be with the angels just yet, run over in the road by some crazy drunken driver like his sister or cut up by some crazy junkie kid for the twenty-five cents in his pocket and left with his guts running out all over the sidewalk, and because she didn’t think
Eddie
wanted to be with the angels yet, he just better listen to what his big brother said and do what his big brother said to do and always remember that Henry was making a love-sacrifice.

Eddie told the gunslinger he doubted if his mother knew some of the things they had done—filching comic books from the candy store on Rincon Avenue or smoking cigarettes behind the Bonded Electroplate Factory on Cohoes Street.

Once they saw a Chevrolet with the keys in it and although Henry barely knew how to drive—he was sixteen then, Eddie eight—he had crammed his brother into the car and said they were going to New York City. Eddie was scared, crying, Henry scared too and mad at Eddie, telling him to shut up, telling him to stop being such a fuckin baby, he had ten bucks and Eddie had three or four, they could go to the movies all fuckin day and then catch a Pelham train and be back before their mother had time to put supper on the table and wonder where they were. But Eddie kept crying and near the Queensboro Bridge they saw a police car on a side street and although Eddie was
pretty sure the cop in it hadn’t even been looking their way, he said
Yeah
when Henry asked him in a harsh, quavering voice if Eddie thought that bull had seen them. Henry turned white and pulled over so fast that he had almost amputated a fire hydrant. He was running down the block while Eddie, now in a panic himself, was still struggling with the unfamiliar doorhandle. Henry stopped, came back, and hauled Eddie out of the car. He also slapped him twice. Then they had walked—well, actually they
slunk
—all the way back to Brooklyn. It took them most of the day, and when their mother asked them why they looked so hot and sweaty and tired out, Henry said it was because he’d spent most of the day teaching Eddie how to go one-on-one on the basketball court at the playground around the block. Then some big kids came and they had to run. Their mother kissed Henry and beamed at Eddie. She asked him if he didn’t have the bestest big brother in the world. Eddie agreed with her. This was honest agreement, too. He thought he did.

“He was as scared as I was that day,” Eddie told Roland as they sat and watched the last of the day dwindle from the water, where soon the only light would be that reflected from the stars. “Scareder, really, because he thought that cop saw us and I knew he didn’t. That’s why he ran. But he came back. That’s the important part.
He came back.
”

Roland said nothing.

“You see that, don’t you?” Eddie was looking at Roland with harsh, questioning eyes.

“I see.”

“He was always scared, but he always came back.”

Roland thought it would have been better for Eddie, maybe better for both of them in the long run, if Henry had just kept showing his heels that day . . . or on one of the others. But people like Henry never did. People like Henry always came back, because people like Henry
did
know how to use. First they changed trust into need, then they changed need into a drug, and once that was done, they—what was Eddie’s word for it?—
push.
Yes. They pushed it.

“I think I’ll turn in,” the gunslinger said.

The next day Eddie went on, but Roland already knew it all. Henry hadn’t played sports in high school because Henry couldn’t stay after for practice. Henry had to take care of Eddie. The fact that Henry was scrawny and uncoordinated and didn’t much care for sports in the first place had nothing to do with it, of course; Henry would have made a
wonderful
baseball pitcher or one of those basketball jumpers, their mother assured them both time and again. Henry’s grades were bad and he needed to repeat a number of subjects—but that wasn’t because Henry was stupid; Eddie and Mrs. Dean both knew Henry was just as smart as lickety-split. But Henry had to spend the time he should have spent studying or doing homework taking care of Eddie (the fact that this usually took place in the Dean living room, with both boys sprawled on the sofa watching TV or wrestling around on the floor somehow seemed not to matter). The bad grades meant Henry hadn’t been able to be accepted into anything but NYU, and they couldn’t afford it because the bad grades precluded any scholarships, and then Henry got drafted and then it was Viet Nam, where Henry got most of his knee blown off, and the pain was bad, and the drug they gave him for it had a heavy morphine base, and when he was better they weaned him from the drug, only they didn’t do such a good job because when Henry got back to New York there was still a monkey on his back, a hungry monkey waiting to be fed, and after a month or two he had gone out to see a man, and it had been about four months later, less than a month after their mother died, when Eddie first saw his brother snorting some white powder off a mirror. Eddie assumed it was coke. Turned out it was heroin. And if you traced it all the way back, whose fault was it?

Roland said nothing, but heard the voice of Cort in his mind:
Fault always lies in the same place, my fine babies: with him weak enough to lay blame.

When he discovered the truth, Eddie had been shocked, then angry. Henry had responded not by promising to quit snorting but by telling Eddie he didn’t blame him for being mad, he knew Nam had
turned him into a worthless shitbag, he was weak, he would leave, that was the best thing, Eddie was right, the last thing he needed was a filthy junkie around, messing up the place. He just hoped Eddie wouldn’t blame him too much. He had gotten weak, he admitted it; something in Nam had made him weak, had rotted him out the same way the moisture rotted the laces of your sneakers and the elastic of your underwear. There was also something in Nam that apparently rotted out your heart, Henry told him tearily. He just hoped that Eddie would remember all the years he had tried to be strong.

For Eddie.

For Mom.

So Henry tried to leave. And Eddie, of course, couldn’t let him. Eddie was consumed with guilt. Eddie had seen the scarred horror that had once been an unmarked leg, a knee that was now more Teflon than bone. They had a screaming match in the hall, Henry standing there in an old pair of khakis with his packed duffle bag in one hand and purple rings under his eyes, Eddie wearing nothing but a pair of yellowing jockey shorts, Henry saying you don’t need me around, Eddie, I’m poison to you and I know it, and Eddie yelling back You ain’t going nowhere, get your ass back inside, and that’s how it went until Mrs. McGursky came out of
her
place and yelled
Go or stay, it’s nothing to me, but you better decide one way or the other pretty quick or I’m calling the police.
Mrs. McGursky seemed about to add a few more admonishments, but just then she saw that Eddie was wearing nothing but a pair of skivvies. She added:
And you’re not decent, Eddie Dean!
before popping back inside. It was like watching a Jack-in-the-box in reverse. Eddie looked at Henry. Henry looked at Eddie.
Look like Angel-Baby done put on a few pounds,
Henry said in a low voice, and then they were howling with laughter, holding onto each other and pounding each other and Henry came back inside and about two weeks later Eddie was snorting the stuff too and he couldn’t understand why the hell he had made such a big deal out of it, after all, it was only
snorting,
shit, it got you off, and as Henry (who Eddie would eventually come to think of as the great sage and eminent
junkie) said, in a world that was clearly going to hell head-first, what was so low about getting high?

Time passed. Eddie didn’t say how much. The gunslinger didn’t ask. He guessed that Eddie knew there were a thousand excuses for getting high but no reasons, and that he had kept his habit pretty well under control. And that Henry had also managed to keep
his
under control. Not as well as Eddie, but enough to keep from coming completely unravelled. Because whether or not Eddie understood the truth (down deep Roland believed Eddie did), Henry must have: their positions had reversed themselves. Now Eddie held Henry’s hand crossing streets.