The Drake Unwound Complete Collection Book 9 (22 page)

She stopped what she was doing and closed her eyes. I went around to watch her, wanting to know how she felt.

"Butterflies in my stomach," she said. "My body aches, everything feels swollen. It's throbbing a bit, like a heartbeat. I feel a little breathless. I'm wet and I feel like I want to squeeze my thighs together. Rub my clit." She opened her eyes. "I want your cock inside of me."

I leaned against the dresser, and watched her.

"If I was to fuck you now," I said, aroused in spite of everything, but wanting to assert control, "it would be over in about two minutes. You'd orgasm and then two minutes later, I would and it would be finished."

She nodded. "
That
would be a relief. I could get on with my day."

"You make sex sound like a simple bodily function," I said, grinning briefly. "Sex between us is more than that, Kate. It should be special."

She sighed. "You're trying to keep the potatoes and gravy separate on the plate, Drake."

When she turned away, I grabbed her arm and stopped her, pulling her back to face me once more.

"
Kate
," I said. "You're here with me all the time now, pretty much every hour of the day when we're both free. What more do you need?"

"I'm not with you very long. You keep extremely busy, even now when you aren’t working as a surgeon. Even when you don’t
have
to be away. I'm afraid that you're trying to avoid me."

She pulled her arm out of my grip and grabbed her clothes, dressing quickly while I stood by helpless.

"I'm not the only one who's busy,” I said. “You spend every day at the studio and do I complain?
Why
would I try to avoid you?"

She shook her head as she dressed. "I don’t know. You're the one with an undergraduate degree in psychology. Your life's getting too messy and out of control? You're afraid of being hurt again?"

"You’re not afraid of being hurt?"

She shook her head. "I'm more afraid of feeling
nothing
. No love. No pain.
Nothing
feels like," she said. "Like death. Like the people I saw in the camps, skeletons, barely alive but living despite everything, their eyes huge, blank. Even pain is better." She came to me and stared up into my eyes. "I want to
feel
, Drake. Everything, good and bad. It was like I couldn't feel when I was depressed.
Nothing
. That's what
I'm
afraid of."

She sighed and pulled her sweater over her head. "You're here with me but you still need to keep it all separate. Now, you do it all with me present. But none of it really mixes. It's like you're keeping that part of yourself separate, not emotionally involved in sex, so that it’s pure. You can control it. Protect yourself. It means you can never get really close to me."

I frowned and rubbed my forehead. "I don't understand. What more do you want from me? We sleep together. We eat together. We fuck. A
lot
."

"Not lately."

"I have a good reason," I said, hurt that she wasn’t giving me the space I needed, considering everything that had happened.

She shook her head as if she realized she was being insensitive. "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. Of course you have a good reason. But I can't be the one who initiates. Why? Does it threaten you that I have desire outside of your actions?"

"No, of course not. I
know
you do. But submission requires that you turn over your desires and choices to me. It frees you so that you no longer feel responsible for your desire or when we have sex. That's what submissives crave."

"I want it spontaneous sometimes,” she said, her voice frustrated. “Whenever either of us feels a need, we fuck. I also want bondage and dominance. I love it. But can't we mix it up a bit? What's wrong with that?"

"I'm a Dominant,” I said firmly. “You knew that when we started this." I stood there, hands on hips. "For God's sake, Kate. That’s what you were looking for when you found Lara. Now, it seems as though you don’t really want it. You want a vanilla relationship with me, with a bit of bondage and kink thrown in when
you
decide you want it. Submission doesn’t work like that."

"You were a lot more spontaneous when we were first together at 8
^th
Avenue. What happened?" She put her hands on my chest and stared up into my eyes. "Things have changed since Maureen came here and you learned about Liam."

"Kate, I'm a
Dominant
," I said again. "I need control. We've been over this." I studied her face. "Are you unhappy with me?"

She sighed heavily. "I
love
you, Drake but you told me to tell you if I felt neglected. Well, I feel neglected."

I stared at her. "I understand, but I'm not fucking you now," I said, forcing myself to be calm. "You'll have to wait."

"Fine," she said and pulled on her socks. She went to the closet and grabbed her things. Then she picked up her bag and went to the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked, standing in the entryway, watching her, feeling completely helpless and out of control.

"Outside to work off some of this unresolved sexual tension. Outside of sex, I'm a free agent, Drake. I'm not submissive. I can do whatever I please. I'm going to the studio. Then, I might go to my parents. I might go to an art gallery. Who knows?"

"Don't do this, Kate. Don't leave angry."

"See you
later
," she said, slamming the door behind her.

I was left alone in my apartment, the way I had been for five years since Maureen left me.

Was I already blowing it with Kate?

CHAPTER SIX

 When Kate slammed the door and left me alone, it really threw a damper over my morning. As soon as Kate left, I thought of Lara. I needed someone to talk to and Lara was the only person I knew who understood me. There really was no one I could talk to about Kate except for Lara so once more I found myself calling her up to ask for advice.

“Problems in paradise?” she said in her droll way. “Shouldn’t you be on your way to Africa?”

“We haven’t even left yet,” I said. “We won’t be at least until the end of February. Maybe later, depending.”

“Depending on what?” she asked, and I could tell she finally was giving me her undivided attention. Until then, she sounded a bit distracted, probably clearing cases off her desk.

I sighed. “You won't believe what’s happened in the last few days.”

“Try me.”

I took in a breath. “I have a son.”

There was a moment of silence. “What?” she said, her voice rising.

“Maureen was pregnant with my child when she moved to California. She thought it was her new boyfriend’s. She hoped it was his, but the boy is mine.”

“A boy? How do you know he’s yours? Jesus, Drake…”

“I know. Total shock. I know he’s mine because she had her husband tested and he wasn’t related to the boy. Whose name is Liam, by the way. He’s five years old and dying of leukemia. I just went through a round of treatment so I could give him a stem cell donation.”

“Wait,
what
?” she said. “Whoa, Drake. Slow down. He’s got leukemia? The same as your brother? The one who died before you were born?”

“The same. I passed it to him.”

“Christ. And Maureen never bothered to tell you he was yours all these years?”

“She honestly didn’t know or didn’t want to know. It wasn’t until they tested Chris as a possible stem cell donor that they learned the truth. You can imagine their shock.”

“So the slut was fucking the two of you.”

“
Lara
…”

“Drake, she was a total bitch to you, and was having an affair,” Lara said, her voice hard. “Out of the blue she tells you she’s leaving and when you dare to try to talk to her, stop her from leaving, she gets a temporary restraining order. Don’t tell me she isn’t a fucking bitch.”

I smiled at the vehemence of Lara’s hatred of Maureen. Lara had never liked Maureen when they met before we married. Then Lara and I lost touch. When Maureen left, we reconnected when I reached out to her for help.

“Okay. She’s a bitch. Compared with Kate, she’s the Wicked Witch of the West.”

“Speaking of Kate, how’s she taking all this?”

I shook my head, so glad that Kate was there for me, even if she wasn’t there for me at that precise moment.

“She’s fantastic. Like a rock about it.”

“That’s great. I knew she’d be good for you. So tell me about Liam?”

I described him to her, talked about meeting him and seeing how frail he was. I even told her about the fistfight with Chris.

“Holy crap, Drake. You should have called me sooner. I can do something to help you get access to Liam if you want.”

“No, that’s all right. I don’t want to intrude. Chris looks like a good father and I don’t want to confuse Liam. They have enough to worry about without me barging in on their lives.”

“They didn’t think twice about barging in on yours…”

“Lara, it was to save Liam’s life,” I said, surprised that she couldn’t understand. “Of course, they had to contact me.”

“So, why did you call me? What’s up, beside having a son, who has leukemia, doing a stem cell donation and delaying your trip to Africa? Oh, and getting into a fight with your ex’s husband…”

I could imagine her smile as she sat at her huge mahogany desk in her office.

“I called you because of Kate.”

There was a pause. “I thought you said everything was good with her…”

I sighed. “Things are wonderful, except she became quite upset this morning after I wouldn’t have sex with her. She likes sex in the morning, but I wanted to wait until this evening when we could do a full scene. She actually slammed the door when she left the apartment.”

I heard her chuckle.

“It’s not funny, Lara. Seriously. I’m having problems maintaining the proper Dom / sub relationship with her when it comes to sex.”

“Why?”

I thought about our relationship. I was ecstatic with Kate, but felt out of control. “We’re really sexually compatible, but she doesn’t quite understand that she doesn’t get to make decisions when it comes to sex.”

“Have you
shown
her this? I mean, in your behavior with her? You have to be firm. If you give in, she’ll learn she can push you. Twist you around her finger. That won’t make a sub happy and soon she’ll be looking for someone who will be strong with her.”

I nodded to myself at that. “She’s pretty good overall. But this morning didn’t go well.”

“What are you afraid of?” she said. “I mean, what’s keeping you from enforcing things with her?”

I shrugged. “I don’t want to scare her off…”

“Drake’s in love…” she said and I could hear the tease in her voice. “Drake, I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but not showing your dominance with her is more likely to drive her away than if you do. She wants you to take control or she wouldn’t be interested in D/s. Period. End of story. Show her you love her and indulge her outside of sex. Be firm when it comes to sex.”

“You’re right, of course.” I would have given myself the same advice. I guess I just wanted to hear it from Lara, to reinforce what I already knew to be true.

“Thanks, Lara. I know you’re right.”

“I am. You already knew this. Now, go and take what you want. That’s how you’ll give Kate what she needs.”

Although I felt better after speaking with Lara, I went through the motions of my morning with very little enthusiasm. It wasn’t just that Kate expressed her dissatisfaction with me. It was everything. Maureen’s return, Liam’s existence and illness, Dawn’s meddling, Chris’s disrespectful treatment of Kate, my fight with him…

All of it conspired to make me feel particularly down.

I dragged myself to the hospital to read over patient files and check in on a few stragglers who were still recovering on the main surgical ward. I even called up Ken to see how he was doing. All of it meant to keep busy until Kate calmed down and contacted me. I probably should have contacted her first, but I wanted to give her the space to decide for herself to text or call me.

Later that afternoon, while I was sitting in my office reading a paper I was working on with a colleague, my cell chimed.

A message from Kate:

I'm sorry, Drake. Please don’t be mad at me. I was being a spoiled child. Forgive me? It's just that sometimes, I have so much desire for you, I forget how to submit.

I sat and tried to compose a response that would both satisfy her and yet didn’t give in or apologize. As Lara said, Kate wanted me to be a Dom, but that wasn’t something that I could turn off and on at will like a light switch.

Sexually, I was a Dom all the time. Even when I tried to yield power, I topped from the bottom.

Finally satisfied with my message, I pressed send.

Of course I'm not mad at you. There's nothing to forgive. I always want you to be completely honest with me, even when it might be something painful for me to hear. I know submission isn’t easy. If it were too easy, you’d grow bored.