The Drake Restrained Compete Collection: Part 1 - 4 (The Drake Series Book 7) (55 page)

“I
did
love her,” I said, nodding. “I
do
.”

“There’s my man.”

That pretty much was the last thing I remember coherently. The rest of the night was spent singing songs from our repertoire. “Heart of Stone.” “Paint it Black.” I was relentless in finding every sad song on the Karaoke machine, Ken and I taking turns to sing our hearts out.

We took a taxi home at 3:00 a.m., and I didn’t even care that I’d left my car at the pub. I’d get it in the morning. Ken helped me up into my bed and left me, taking the taxi to his own home.

I don’t even remember my head hitting the pillow.

I slept late the next day and did nothing, turning down an invite from Mrs. O’Riley to join the family for brunch at the pub. My head ached from the vodka and late night so I pretty much spent the day and evening in my pajamas watching action movies on pay TV channels.

I was on call on the days leading up to New Year’s and had to go in to deal with a trauma, a brain injury resulting from a fall, and I was glad of it because it kept my mind off Kate. Then I got an email from Michael in Nairobi, asking me once again if I’d considered his offer to come to Kenya for six months, to teach a class and take on part of his caseload. I called him and we had a great talk, about his plans for the medical college and how he could really use me there.

I had promised him I’d come one day and help out, and now that Kate and I were over, I had nothing keeping me in Manhattan. I could handle the most pressing cases during the course of January and then head off to Kenya in February to start at the college in March. It seemed like a good idea, and would keep me moving forward. I needed something to make me feel less morose. I was making myself sick with how dispirited I’d been.

Going to Kenya might be enough of a distraction to keep me from drowning in self-pity. Kate hadn’t contacted me and was obviously moving on.

The day before New Year’s Eve, I was at NYP checking on a patient I’d worked on the night before. Lara called me while I was sitting in my office, reading the man’s file.

“What’s up?” she said. “I haven’t heard from you for a while.”

I took in a breath. “Not much. I’m probably going to Kenya in February. A colleague—a mentor—has invited me to teach at the medical college and take on a caseload.”

“What?” she said, her voice shocked. “And you were planning on telling me when? The day before you left? Jesus, Drake…”

“I’m telling you now.”

“What about Kate? You given up on her?”

“Other way around,” I said, not wanting to rehash things about Kate, my gut knotting at even the mention of her name.

“She’s in love with you, so I think you’re wrong about that.”

“No, I think it’s you who’s wrong. She broke off with me before Christmas. I haven’t heard from her since.”

“You big dumb…
man
,” Lara said, as if trying to find the right insult. “She’s in love with you.”

“She ended it,” I said in exasperation.

“She’s in love with you and I have proof.”

“What do you mean?” I frowned, a surge of something very much like hope in my chest.

“Just wait,” she said and I heard her fumble around for a moment, the sound of something clattering. “Listen to this…”

I listened and heard faint voices—Kate and Lara speaking. I tried to hear what they were saying, but had a hard time making it out.

Lara spoke first, her voice firm and to the point.
"You broke up with Drake? Why? I thought you said things were good."

Kate responded:
"The sex part was great. Better than anything I could ever imagine, Lara. This is just too much risk for Drake. I could never stand to live with myself if he was hurt because of me, because of my greed for him. But even more, I just can't do only sex. I'm not cut out for it. He doesn't want more. Considering all the shit he could get into because of me, I had to just make a clean break."

"It's probably for the best."

"You understand.”

"I do understand,”
Lara said.
“This is my fault. The reason I chose Drake for you was precisely because he wasn't interested in anything long-term. I thought that was what you wanted as well. You know, just doing interviews, learning about the lifestyle. That's what you said to me…"

"I know I did. I did say that. I meant it at the time. But Drake is so much more…"
She didn’t say anything for a moment.
"I think I could fall in love with him. All I know is that it isn't enough anymore."

"Nothing like a new Dom to wash away the taste of the old one. Listen,”
Lara said.
“I can hook you up with a Dom who's looking for a life partner, if you'd like. Not every Dom is like Drake. Some want a relationship. Why don't you come to a fetish night with me? You could come under my protection and I could introduce you to a few Doms I know. Only the ones who are looking for a relationship beyond play. I already have someone in mind. His name is Steve. He's closer to your age. He's even in the arts. He does copy editing for a publisher. He's kinkier than Drake, but not a sadist. I know you're not into pain."

I wanted to shout –
What the fuck, Lara!
but kept my mouth shut, wanting to hear Kate’s response.

"I can't meet with anyone else, Lara,”
Kate said, barely speaking loud enough to hear her
. “I can't even think of it."

"You were alone for what—a year before Drake? Don't you want someone else?"

"I want Drake. I can't have him. Not the way I really want him."

"Well, I offered,”
Lara said as if that was that.
“I still think you should come to a fetish night with me. There are lifestyle partners and there are lifetime partners. It is possible to meet someone who wants D/s
and
a real relationship. You won't find another man who will satisfy your submissive side outside of the lifestyle, Kate."

"Maybe I'll just go with my friend to India and become a nun, working at Mother Theresa's hospice."

Lara laughed out loud at that.
"Yeah, sure Kate. If you liked Drake as much as you claim, you'll never be able to go back to normal again."

"That's hopeful."

"Look, it's hard enough to find compatible lifestyle partners, let alone someone who you could be with in a permanent relationship. If that's what you really want, you have to get out there and meet people."

"It's too soon. I can't imagine it. I only want Drake."

The recording ended. “There,” Lara said. “Does that convince you?”

I considered, all the while desperately tamping down the sensation that was growing in me that I couldn’t describe. I didn’t want to label it
hope
in case there was none.

“She didn’t say she was in love with me,” I said, frowning. “Only that she thought she could. There’s a difference.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, the two of you are head cases,” Lara said, exasperated. “She’s in love with you, Drake. You’re in love with her. Go fucking propose to her, you dolt…”

“She ended it…” I said weakly.

“To protect you.”

I sighed, shaking my head, unable to process everything I’d heard and what Lara said. “I don’t know. I told Michael I would probably go to Nairobi for at least six months, maybe a year.”

“Take Kate with you. From what I understand, she’s pretty much an “I Love Africa” kind of person. The two of you are like two sides of the same coin.”

“I have to go,” I said, overwhelmed, the conflicting feelings too much for one telephone conversation.

“Seriously, Drake. Listen to me. I’ve never been wrong before about two people. I knew you two were perfect for each other the day I met her.”

I hung up, shutting everything down, not feeling anything because it was too confusing. I liked things neat and tidy and in control. I felt on the verge of being out of control and it was not my thing.

I sent an email to Michael, formally accepting his offer and then I sent one to Ethan, letting him know that I had done so and would be leaving NYP for a year. He called me shortly after, wishing me the best.

“I’ll miss you, son,” he said, his voice warm. “You have to do what you think is best.”

“I do,” I said, wishing he’d try to talk me out of it, but if he knew anything about Kate and how she felt, he said nothing. I think that’s why I emailed him—hoping he’d protest and try to talk me out of it. But he didn’t.

I hung up and opened a particularly difficult case, trying to lose myself in its demands.

On New Year’s Eve day, I was at home, lying on the couch and listening to the most depressing music I could find on the sound system when my cell rang. I picked it up and saw that it was Elaine.

I sat up, alarmed. Something must have happened to Kate for Elaine to be calling me.

“What’s the matter, Elaine? Is everything okay with Kate?”

“Drake, I hope you don’t think I’m meddling, and Ethan would kill me if he knew I was calling, but we talked about this and both of us agree. Ethan wouldn’t call you but I can’t stand to see Kate so upset. She’s a real mess. She told me you two broke up, and I don’t know the exact details, but she said she was in love with you. I wanted you to know before you left.”

“She said that?” I said, a feeling of something bordering on a roar building in me. “She actually said she was in love with me?”

“Those were her exact words. She said she fell in love with you. That you were so much more than she imagined.”

I said nothing for a moment, my eyes closed, wondering what the hell Kate was doing. Was she protecting me once more from her meddling friend?

“Thanks for calling, Elaine. I mean it.”

“You’re only too welcome. I hope things work out for the best if you go to Nairobi.”

We hung up and I sat and rubbed my head, squinting, gritting my teeth, trying not to over-react to the news that Kate actually said she was in love with me.

I knew then what I had to do. I had to go to Ethan and confess.

I called Ethan and asked if I could come by and speak with him. He was only too glad to welcome me into his office when I arrived, after a servant had taken my coat and scarf. There were a few cleaners in the apartment, vacuuming and dusting, and several people were in the kitchen unloading boxes of alcohol and food, so it looked as if there was some event planned.

“Come in, my boy. Sit down.”

I did, exhaling and wondering whether to use the short speech I composed in my mind to Ethan, pleading my case, which I had practiced on my way over. Now, it seemed too rehearsed, so I came right out with it.

“Ethan, I’m in love with Kate.”

He nodded, his face poker straight. “Go on.”

“I think she’s in love with me, but she broke it off because she’s being blackmailed by some friend.”

“Blackmailed?” he said and leaned back in his chair. “Why would anyone blackmail Kate about your relationship?”

I sat forward, my eyes not meeting his. “I’m involved in…” I said and stopped, not knowing the best way to put things. “I have certain preferences…” I said, but even that sounded stupid. “I’m into kink.”

There. I put it in the most blunt terms I could think of.

“
Kink
?” Ethan said, his hands folded in front of his face. “Like what? Whipping? Torture?”

I shook my head vigorously. “No, no pain,” I said quickly. “I’m into what’s called Dominance and submission. It’s power exchange. It’s when a couple play certain roles—”

“You mean BDSM?”

I glanced up at his face.

“I’m not a spring chicken, Drake,” he said, and it looked as if he was trying not to laugh, pressing his lips together. “I’ve been around the block a few times. You’re into the BD part of BDSM. Am I right?”

“Bondage and dominance, yes,” I said, relaxing just a bit that at least he knew what it was and I didn’t have to go into any details. “No pain. No humiliation.”

He shrugged. “What two adults do in the privacy of the bedroom is none of my business,” he said. “In fact, I don’t really want to know. You can understand why.”

“I know, and believe me, this is terribly awkward for me, but this friend threatened to tell you. To tell my employer at NYP. They also threatened to tell NYP about a temporary restraining order my ex took out on me.”

“What?” he said and sat forward, frowning. “They threatened to tell NYP about the restraining order?”

“You knew?”

He shook his head. “Nigel told me about you a while ago. I knew about Nigel because he got into trouble back when I was a defense lawyer and I helped him out. Someone tried to blackmail him. I also know about the restraining order. I learned of it when I did some sleuthing. Your dad asked me to keep an eye on you, and, well, I have ways of getting information that the usual person on the street doesn’t.”

I didn’t know what to think about that. Nigel didn’t like me. He thought I wasn’t good enough for Kate.

“Nigel’s the one who told you?”

Ethan nodded. “So why are you here?”

“I wanted you to know about me so it couldn’t be used against me, but I understand completely if you never want me to see Kate again.”

Ethan shook his head. “Look. I personally don’t give a rat’s ass what people do in the privacy of their own bedroom. For some reason I can't think of off the top of my head, Kate seems to have a preference for a dominant man and you're a helluva lot better than some jackass who doesn't know what the Sam hell he's doing, like that flyboy she had the sense to get rid of."

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. “You don’t care that I’m involved in kink?”

“If I cared about your proclivities, I would have kicked you out on your ass in October. I’ve known about you for quite some time. Nigel told me soon after your father died. I told him I was taking you under my wing, and he let me know when I said I wanted you and Kate to meet. Look, Drake,” Ethan said and leaned forward. “I know you young kids think we old fogies know nothing about anything, but I don’t care what bedroom games people play in the privacy of their own homes, for God's sake. I've played a few of my own. You have to in order to keep a marriage alive, and I was married to the same woman for twenty-one years…”