The Douchebag Bible (7 page)

that, and you will notice a big change in the way people view

you.

But, I digress.

Another important factor is what you laugh at. Things

that you find funny now, like
Big Momma’s House 2
, just aren't

gonna cut it in the intellectual community. Watch Monty

Python and just laugh every time it seems like there was a

joke. Eventually you will begin to think that you actually

understand the humor and will be able to pick up on smart

people jokes in the real world.

"But what happens when I have to tell a joke of my own,

Amazing Atheist? Won't it reveal to them my overwhelming

stupidity?"

Nah. Smart people are fairly slow to pick up on things

like that. Their minds are always analyzing things. If you tell

a joke that hints your stupidity, just laugh and say, "I don't

know what came over me. I apologize for my immaturity."

Then start bitching about Bill Gates, or an upcoming sci-fi or

fantasy film. This will divert their minds from your digression

from established intellectual standards of humor.

*For those of you wondering, the thing that smart people actually do think

about most is how unfair it is that they are trapped on a planet full of

imbeciles.

HOW TO PWN MY ASS ON YOUTUBE

Despite frequent attempts from a plethora of sources, ranging

from Encyclopedia Dramatica to Jordi Cruise, I have yet to feel

truly pwned here on “the internets.” Hopefully, this helpful

pwnage guide will change this fact forever.

SEIZE MY INSECURITIES

You’ll make no progress simply calling me fat. If I were sensitive

about my weight, don’t you think I’d make a better attempt to conceal

it?

If you really want to get to me, point out words that I

mispronounced or logical fallacies within my arguments. If I

misspelled a word in my title or description, jump on it like

CapnOAwesome jumps on an opportunity to whore himself out

for even the faintest possibility of a new subscriber. There’s

nothing I hate worse than feeling stupid.

UNCOVER MY CONTRADICTIONS

I have plenty of contradictions from video to video. I leave them up

because I assume that no one will ever be anal retentive enough to

notice them. Prove me wrong. Find two clips of me saying totally

contradictory things and play them side by side to make me look like a

jackass who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, POINT OUT MY FAILINGS

People seem to adore pointing out my shortcomings rather than

arguing with my position. So, for my beloved collection of invective-

spewing haters, I submit this bullet-point list of some of my failings.

 My oral hygiene is below average (above average in

Britain).

 I neglect my toenails. They’re quite ugly.

 I pick my nose to an obscene amount and examine my

finds afterwards.

 I waft my own farts upwards so that I can catch their

aroma.

 I play with my balls for at least one hour each day.

 And smell my hands afterwards.

 I have masturbated to “The Simpsons.”

 My penis is small enough to fit in your pocket. Twice.

 I fantasize about being cooked alive by sexy female

cannibals.

 I masturbate to deviant pornography.

 When I was 11, I shit in the cat litter box just to see

what it would feel like.

 My nose is covered in black heads that I’ve made no

attempt to treat.

 Because of my fair skin and massive fatness, I have

revolting stretch marks up and down both sides of my

body.

 I have back hair.

 I wear the same pair of jeans for weeks because I’m too

lazy to transfer my things from one pocket to the next.

 I keep arguing a point even after I’ve been proven wrong

because I’m too embarrassed to admit defeat.

EVERYTHING’S FINE

According to the right, the world is about to end. We have

sinned against God and soon his judgment will be upon us and

everyone (except those brought up to Heaven in the rapture)

will suffer horribly. Liberal extremists will conquer the planet,

gay orgies will spread like wildfire, and abortions will become

as commonplace as brushing your teeth (this may be a bad

example for those of you living in Great Britain). The only

answer is to mandate prayer in schools, burn the Bill of Rights

and, for the love of all that is holy, stop teaching children that

evolution nonsense!

According to the left, the world is about to end. We have

sinned against mother nature and soon the ice caps will melt

and everyone will suffer horribly. Greedy multi-national

corporations will conquer the planet until every last human

being on earth works for slave wages. The only answer is to

stop eating meat, drive hybrid cars and stop saying anything

even remotely offensive about anyone other than George W.

Bush.

I have a question.

Doesn’t anyone else think that things are fine and that

we’re all being arrogant and reactionary? When the Earth

starts getting warmer, we say, “Must be something we did!”

and ignore any evidence to the contrary. It sounds right to the

left on a visceral level. We’re so important that it must be our

fault! Look, I’m the last person to argue with scientists, but

climate science is one of the trickiest branches there is.

Meteorologists can’t figure out the weekly forecast half the

time, but Climatologists are 100% certain that human CO2

levels are responsible for global warming? From a purely

common sense standpoint, it just doesn’t sound very

reasonable.

Climate scientists are quick to point out that the earth

is, “as hot as it’s been in 12,000 years,” but this planet is 4.5

billion years old. If it was this hot as recently as 12,000 years

ago, then why is it so unusual that it’s this hot now? The fact