The Douchebag Bible (40 page)

RAPE-VICTIMS
—Rape victims allow themselves to be raped

over and over again when they accept special allowances because

of their “trauma.” For every girl that is raped and milks it for all

its worth, ten girls get over it and keep living their lives. The ten

need to beat the shit out of the one. She is making it harder for all

of them.

DRUNK DRIVING
—If old people are allowed to drive then

drunks should be too. If they drive recklessly while intoxicated,

then arrest them for reckless driving. Otherwise, leave them be.

FUCK AUTHORITY—
the reason people cheat so much is

because society is so inherently dishonest and inconsistent in

what it will and will not allow or tolerate. If people don't respect

authority, it's because authority has shown itself to be beneath

respect.

GOODY-GOODIES
—Anyone who follows the rules just

because they're the rules lacks character and intelligence. All

intelligent people recognize rules as wholly arbitrary.

HEAD—
Blowjobs are the most overrated sexual maneuver of all

time. Mouths have teeth in them. Is no one else aware of this? I

call the borejobs.

I believe that the only reason most men truly desire

blowjobs is because they know that a good number of women still

don’t like giving them. Men always secretly desire that sex be

totally joyless for his partner.

Girls, if you find a man who prefers eating you out to

getting a blowjob, then you should fall in love with him regardless

of how inadequate he is in all other areas. A man who gives good

head is a man dedicated to pleasing you and what he is bad at at

first he will improve upon over time.

FANTASY IS BETTER THAN REALITY—
This sentiment is

only held by people whose dreams have never come true. It’s a

bitter means of consoling themselves for their boring lives.

Reality is better than fantasy because it’s real. Even if it falls short

of expectation, it surpasses the banality of merely wishing

something were happening.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION—
I’m a point on a grid. And everything

in front of me is expanding to terrifying horizons. The wall in

front of me is an infinite distance away. If I got up right now and

ran towards it, I would never catch it.

HORROR—
The most profound terror doesn’t come from what

is possible or inevitable, but from the impossible which has

somehow been made to seem inevitable.

DENIERS—
There is something horrifically wrong with people

who deny obvious truths: Evolution, Global Warming, The

Holocaust. People who can’t stand the truth and have to live a lie

are the most pathetic of people, made all the more pathetic by

their attempts at building evidence to show how established fact

is falsehood.

ANDROGYNY—
I read a report that testosterone levels had

been steadily decreasing in boys from generation to generation.

At the time, as a hairy male who likes violence, I was distraught.

Upon further reflection, perhaps a new idea of what is masculine

and feminine are called for. The sexes will never be the same, but

I think that all of humanity might benefit from them meeting in

the middle.

COMEDY—
The greatest comedy is that which is derived from

the obsessive compulsive and hyper-judgmental voice inside of

all of us. We are all irritants that make each other’s lives miserable

from time to time. The only ointment that you can apply to

misanthropic irritation is humor.

PETTINESS
—There is nothing in life so satisfying as doing

something completely petty and spiteful to someone whom you

revile.

ENEMIES
—If your enemy wants to be loved, hate them. If your

enemy wants to be hated, be aloof towards them.

ENEMIES 2
—Make friends of your old enemies whenever

possible and tolerable to keep them from teaming up with your

new ones.

LYING—
To not tell a lie that you want to tell is to lie to yourself.

BLUNT PEOPLE—
People who don’t know the truth often

speak bluntly in order to conceal this fact.

MUSIC—
Many people without souls will claim that they are

moved by all kinds music. It is as if they use their love for all music

as a means of faking the presence of soulfulness. No soulful

person likes all kinds of music. Soulful people like particular sorts

of music and despise the rest.

JAILBAIT—
It wouldn’t be called bait if it weren’t tempting.

RELIGION
—Religion’s greatest crime against man has not been

enslavement or war, but stagnation. Without religion, the

acceptance of gays is a no-brainer. Without religion the funding

of stem-cell research is obviously the correct path. Human society

could have advanced tremendously if not for the interference of

religion.

CRUELTY—
Good cruelty requires imagination. Kindness only

requires effort. In other words, one is a skill and the other is

merely a chore.

BREAKING THE LAW—
The only means of fighting unjust

laws is to break them. To stop smoking marijuana in order to

legalize its use is like owning slaves while fighting for the cause of

abolitionism. If you have deemed a behavior to not be immoral

and you have a natural desire to engage in that behavior, then you

must do so.

BOOKS—
Those who find themselves unsettled and unable to