Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
E offset that this book’s title is misleading. You will find no
defenses of
actual
evil within this text. To attempt to justify the
genocide of Adolf Hitler or the murder spree of The Zodiac Killer
would be an exercise in callous anti-humanism, which does not
interest me.
I have never been given to feelings of hatred towards my
species as a whole. I look upon my fellow man not with loathing,
but with bitter disappointment and a profound sense of
detachment. I see these creatures called humans as uptight and
humorless drones, bent on consumption, comfort and simplicity.
Most are feeble, both intellectually and emotionally, unable to
state their desires in simple terms, unable to pursue their wants
in a responsible fashion, unable to treat each other with dignity
in the face of disagreement.
For these and other reasons, I long ago seceded from the
human race. I now comment on your species as an outsider, one
removed from the struggles of your day to day lives by the simple
act of not considering myself a part of your world.
This is not to say that I am without a stake in the human
saga, but I am no more attached to you and your world than I am
to the characters from my favorite films and books. It doesn’t
matter one iota to me that those characters are fictional and you
are real. I am not prejudiced against good or interesting people
simply because they don’t necessarily “exist” in the traditional
sense of the word.
Few of us are ever tested in the way that fictional
characters often are. There are moments in all great fiction
wherein the resolve of the protagonist is put to trial before a
gauntlet of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. In surviving
these obstacles, we learn the true character of our hero. We learn
his strengths and weaknesses. We learn his values.
In real life, we know little of the true values of our fellow
men and women. We know only what they espouse as their values.
Further, we have too much of a stake in this world to see things
clearly. Often, if a person betrays us, we determine them to be of
poor character—but perhaps there are many instances where if
we pulled back and looked at their situations more objectively,
we’d discover that their motives for betraying us were good. Sadly,
the worm can never be objective about the dietary needs of the
early bird.
Similarly, I cannot look at my own species with objectivity
unless I choose to secede from it. Thus my motives for
abandoning my humanity are not solely the result of a dark
impulse to become inhuman, but a trade-off, a deal with the devil.
I still take delight in human triumph, just as I feel sorrow in
human failing. I do not, however, take any credit or blame for
either.
Perhaps some people will find this position to be little
more than apathy with a patina of pseudo-Nietzschian rhetoric
painted over it. It is not my intention to refute those people here.
I would only ask that they keep their gavel from banging out the
final verdict on my character until they’ve absorbed every word of
this book. If they find me or my ideas wanting after they’ve turned
the final page, then they can tell me so and I will smile and bear
their maltreatment with all the poise I can muster. It will be easy,
because no matter how you feel about this book or about me, the
fact that you are reading these words means that I have your
money. And make no mistake, ladies and gentleman, I will spend
it frivolously.
Now that I’ve put my feelings regarding my relationship to
my species into perspective, I can move forward with my
explanation as to this book’s title:
“In Defense Of Evil: Why Good
Is Bad and Bad Is Good.”
As I said before, it is not my intention
to argue in favor of the genuine evils that man has displayed or to
argue against man’s true virtues.
This book is, instead, a criticism of false morality—false
morality being defined as morality which serves no practical
purpose for 21st century human beings, yet persists through the
dubious methods of preservation employed by its proponents.
Throughout this book I will provide examples of false morals and
why they are impractical and often, when logic is applied to them,
unethical. I will also show how many of the things that modern
people overwhelmingly believe to be evil (even if many people shy
away from that word itself) are in fact harmless or even positive.
In essence, the goal of this book is to show how modern
morality is a complete farce. I should state, for the terminally
serious, that I have a rare condition known as a sense of humor
that leads me to say things that I may not genuinely believe solely
to amuse myself. If you find yourself getting irate and incensed
by a particular passage, please be mindful of my increasingly rare
condition and forgive me in advance.
Whence Cometh Evil?
Cody Weber’s hair was blond the week that I went to visit him in
the dirty little Midwest town of Keokuk, Iowa. He shoveled eggs
into his mouth under the harsh light of the truckstop diner,
talking, often with his mouth full, about his favorite subject:
failure.
He spoke of how he was destined to be someone greater
than the pallid lad sitting before me. He told me that as a child
everyone had expected wondrous feats from him, had imagined
him as a world conquering go-getter. This he spoke with sorrow.
When he came to the part where their fantasies of his all
crumbled to the dust of disappointment, however, the pride in his