The Door at the Top of the Stairs (13 page)

The women looked at each other, then rolled up their sleeves.

Jesse scrubbed the potatoes with a brush shaped like an ear of corn and chopped them into quarters. Morgan sliced the onions and set them on the counter next to the ham.

Ryland pointed to the sink. “Jesse, would you mind cleaning those pans and dishes while Morgan sets a fire in the fireplace?"

Jesse pointed at Morgan. “Why can't she do the dishes?"

Morgan stopped on her way out the door. “Because I'm getting the firewood—now get out the damn dish soap and stop whining."

Jesse mumbled something under her breath as she bent down to look under the sink for the soap. Morgan glanced at Ryland, who was listening to the two of them with affectionate amusement.

The side of Morgan's mouth quirked up a fraction before she went outside to grab some wood.

Once the ham was in, the kitchen clean and the fire started, Ryland poured three glasses of Manzanilla Sherry and set a bowl of almonds out on the coffee table. "Okay, shall we begin?"

The change in routine put Jesse off balance. She'd gotten used to coming in and immediately going to the couch, and she liked knowing what was about to happen. This new twist, wine and almonds, made her wary as she moved to the couch and sat.

Ryland picked up a glass and handed it to her. "This is a wonderful sherry. Morgan and I bought a few bottles the last time we were in Sanlucar, a little community of Andalucia in southern Spain."

Jesse carefully accepted the glass at the same time she turned her head and met Morgan's eyes. Her eyebrows rose in a question mark, and Morgan answered with a shrug as she accepted a glass from Ryland.

Ryland picked up a glass and held it out in a toast. “To us."

The other two gently met her glass with their own and everyone sat back and sipped the sherry. Ryland grabbed a few almonds and popped them into her mouth. She motioned for Jesse to take some as well. “You'd better have some or I'm pretty sure you'll be under the table rather quickly. My guess is you didn't eat lunch—am I right?"

Jesse leaned forward to grab a handful of almonds. She kept her head down as she was reaching for them and looked up at Ryland with suspicion in her eyes. “Should I be worried about anything? ‘Cause you're making me really nervous."

Ryland took a sip, smiling at her over the rim of her glass.

"Enjoy your sherry, Jess, because I've decided we're not pussy footing around anymore. Life is going to get a hell of a lot harder from here on out."

Jesse threw the handful of almonds into her mouth, then knocked back her sherry, wondering what Ryland thought was harder than what she'd already been through.

The butterflies that had all but disappeared for Morgan in the last few weeks suddenly reappeared. She grabbed a few almonds herself, so nervous she felt like she was the one in counseling instead of Jesse. She crossed one leg over her knee and her arms over her chest, unconsciously curling up into a tight ball.

Ryland snuck a quick glance at her. She chuckled at Morgan's reaction as she took another sip of sherry and set the glass on the coffee table. "So, Jesse, let's get started. I want you to describe the room you were in: the furniture, the walls, decorations, everything."

Jesse leaned forward to grab the bottle of sherry but Ryland snatched it off the table. “Whoa there." She got up and took the bottle into the kitchen and brought out some bread and olive oil.

"Here, you can tear into this if you want. Now tell me about the room. First of all, do know where you were?"

Jesse decided against the bread. She didn't want to heave it up before the afternoon was through. "I don't know." Her shoulders lifted in apology. “And I'm not saying that ‘cause I don't want to tell you. All I remember is the room, and the hallway, and the stairs leading up."

"I believe you, don't worry. So let's start with the room, shall we?"

Jesse's eyes shifted up and right while she tried to remember.

“The walls were dirt...like they'd carved it out of dirt."

Jesse's head slowly turned farther to the right as she studied the walls of the room. "There's nothing on the walls...no furniture...mostly just dirt and—" She stopped and shook her head.

"And?"

"And brains and blood. And a body." She rubbed her arms as a chill spread through her body. Her gaze dropped down and to the right as she stared intently at something.

"What are you seeing?"

No answer.

"Where are you in the room?"

"I'm up against the back wall."

"Where's the body?"

Her eyes shifted down and to the right again.

"Tell me about the body."

Jesse shook her head, then closed her eyes and turned completely to her left so her shoulder was up against the couch and her legs were pulled up slightly onto the cushion.

"Turn around and face me—
now
." Ryland bit off the words, leaving no doubt who was in control.

Surprised, Jesse turned to face her, but still refused to meet her eyes.

"Now, look at the body and tell me what you see."

If Ryland hadn't been watching for it, she wouldn't have seen Jesse's head turn imperceptibly to the right. She sat up when Jesse leaned forward, a green tint rising in her face. The bread and oil were still on the table and Ryland picked them up and handed them to Morgan. "Take these into the kitchen, would you please, Morgan?"

Morgan took the food into the kitchen. When she returned, Ryland was headed toward the back door. "Let's go sit outside for a while, shall we?"

Jesse didn't move, and Morgan walked over and pulled her up off the sofa. Jesse tried to pull away. “I don't want to. I think I'm gonna be sick."

Morgan nodded. “I think that's why we're headed outside."

"I won't be sick if we don't go out with her."

Morgan hauled her around the low table, pushing her gently toward the back door. "I'll try not to be sick either, but no guarantees, okay?"

Jesse nodded and followed Ryland out the door. "No guarantees."

Morgan downed a glassful of sherry and went out after them.

Ryland sat in the grass waiting. Jesse sat down a little ways from her with her legs crossed and Morgan finished the circle.

Several times in the last few weeks, Ryland had let Jesse dictate the tone of the sessions, but today she wanted to push. She let a caustic edge slip into her voice. “Okay, Jess, you can throw up to your heart's content out here. We’re not playing games anymore.

Now tell me what you saw."

Jesse glared at her, anger and irritation returning to her face.

She wasn't sure she liked this new side of Ryland. "Fuck you!"

Ryland leaned forward. “Not now, and not ever. Now cut the crap and tell me what you saw."

Morgan's eyes nearly shot out of her head. She quickly composed herself so Jesse wouldn't see her reaction, but she'd never seen this side of Ryland.

Jesse growled, “Fine, you want to know what I saw? I saw rats! Lots of fucking rats, eating his fucking brains out, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Morgan leaned back on her hands, swiveling her head between the two women, waiting for the next volley.

"It's a start. Okay, so there are rats. Did they ever come after you?”

"I don't—" Jesse's head involuntarily jerked left and her eyebrows plunged. She stood up and Ryland saw the pulse quickening in her neck.

Ryland stood up, and Morgan followed. Ryland said, “I'll allow you to stand if you don’t leave. You start to leave and Morgan is going to stop you, one way or the other. Do you understand?"

Jesse blinked, surprised to see Ryland standing there. "What?"

"I said I will allow you to stand if you don't leave. If you start to leave, Morgan will stop you one way or the other. Do you understand?"

Jesse slowly sank back down, followed by Ryland and Morgan.

Ryland said, “I'm too damn old to be jumping up and down with you, so make up your mind and stick with it."

Jesse stared at Ryland, not sure what to do or say.

"So answer me—did the rats ever come after you?"

Jesse continued to stare at Ryland. "What do
you
see, Ryland?

What do you see that I don’t?"

"I see a brutal sadist who wants to inflict the most physical and emotional pain he can before he kills the woman who shot his brother. Now, I answered your question, you answer mine because I'm getting tired of asking it. Did the rats ever come after you?"

Jesse rubbed her leg, trying to remember. "I'm not sure. I see quick pictures in my mind, me in the room with the rats. Then nothing."

"Why are you rubbing your calf?"

Jesse looked down at her hand, then back at Ryland. "I don't know." She pulled up the cuff of her jeans and looked at the back of her leg where pitted scars disfigured the skin. That wasn't her leg. She'd never seen the scars before. The dirt room blurred around her as blood drained from her head and she fell forward onto the grass, unconscious.

Morgan slid over and pushed her onto her back. She watched as Ryland reached into her pocket and pulled out a capsule of smelling salts.

"Here, I thought we'd be needing these pretty soon. Break it and wave it under her nose." Ryland continued to hold it out until Morgan reached over and took it from her, disquiet in her eyes as she studied her friend.

Ryland took a second to reassure her. “Morgan, I told you it was going to get harder. That means I get harder too. I love you, and you're seeing a side of me I'd rather you'd never have to see."

She sighed. “A big part of being a psychologist is being able to morph into whatever the patient needs. That's what separates mediocre therapy from the exceptional."

Morgan relaxed a little and nodded. “I love you too, Ry, and nothing—" She looked at Jesse. “
Absolutely
nothing will ever change that." She broke the capsule and held it under Jesse's nose.

It took a few seconds before the capsule took effect. Jesse coughed, grabbed Morgan's wrist and pushed it away from her face before rolling onto her stomach with her head facing away from the other two. She made her mind an absolute blank, not wanting to remember anymore about the rats or the room or the scars that had suddenly appeared on the back of her leg.

Ryland waited, letting Jesse lie quietly a while before she moved over next to her leg. She pulled up the cuff of the pants and rubbed the area with her thumb, trying to picture what had happened so she could help Jesse remember. The picture gradually came into focus. She said, “Where are your hands, Jesse?"

Nothing.

"He did it again, didn't he? Are you in the door?"

A shake of the head.

"So where are your hands?"

"Just leave me alone, Ryland."

"Jesse, we're done when I tell you we're done. I asked you a question—where are your hands?"

Silence.

Ryland had no intention of letting Jesse dictate this session.

"Okay, Morgan, you can go on back down to the kennels. I'm not going to waste your time waiting around for her. She and I will sit here all night if we have to, and we'll get through the rest of this session without you."

When Morgan got up and started walking toward the path, Jesse raised up onto her elbows. "Hey, you can't just leave!" She kept walking, and Jesse turned to Ryland. "She can't just leave!"

When Ryland didn't say anything, Jesse stood up. She needed Morgan in case something happened. "Fine! Okay! You win!"

The edge crept back into Ryland's voice. "Sit down. Now."

Jesse watched Morgan as she walked around a corner of the path and disappeared. She turned back to Ryland and sat down with a worried look on her face. The two of them sat without saying a word. Five minutes passed, then ten. Still Ryland stared at Jesse, who kept looking back down the path. She just wanted Ryland to say something so they could get Morgan back in case something happened. “What do you want, Ryland? I said I'd do what you want!"

"It's not what I want. It's what's going to happen from here on out. You'll do what I say, when I say it. I told you, things are going to get a lot harder from here on out, and you
will
listen to me, period."

Jesse's face flushed as she stared at the ground. Ryland reached into her pocket and flipped open her phone. "Hi, it's me.

Do you have time to come back up?" Five more minutes passed before Morgan walked back up the path and sat down again.

Ryland pointed to the ground. “Jessie, lie down like you were."

She waited for Jesse to lie on her stomach again. "Now, we'll start again. Where are your hands?"

Jesse thought a second. "On the board."

"What board? There's nothing in the room."

Even though her head was on her hands, she involuntarily moved it slightly to the left. "He brought in a board...a 2x4."

"And he nailed your wrists down again. What about your legs?"

"Nothing."

"They were free? Then how could the rats get to them?"

Jesse shook her head. “I don't remember." Her heart sped up as she pictured the rats in the room.

Ryland watched as Jesse’s hands clenched into fists. "All right, were you on your stomach with your hands nailed to the 2x4?"

A nod.

"With your mind’s eye, I want you to follow what I say, okay?"

Adrenaline surged as panic gripped her and she pushed up to face Ryland. “Ryland… I don’t want to know! They’re filthy fucking rats! Please, I don’t
want
to know!” Ryland raised one eyebrow and leaned forward to emphasize her point. “We just discussed this, Jesse. What you want and what’s going to happen are two different things. You have no choice. You
have
to remember.”

Jesse’s jaw hurt as she clenched it to control the sobs that were threatening to erupt from deep inside her. She pushed to her knees, searching for a way to get away from Ryland.

Morgan moved over beside her. She touched Jesse’s shoulder and waited until she focused on her. When Jesse looked at her, Morgan put the palm of her hand on the younger woman’s cheek.

“You’re afraid, aren’t you?”

Jesse couldn’t answer; she just stared into Morgan’s eyes.