The Donors (17 page)

Jason hugged her. “It's okay,” he said. “I have that too. It's like they put a wall around the memories somehow.”

Jenny looked more than a little frightened. “Do you have any idea how insane this all sounds?”

He sure as shit did. Jason wrapped his arms around her and pulled her soft, naked body back against his. She laid her head on his chest and sighed. Jason remembered the picture, face down on the bookshelf.

“Can you tell me about your family?” he asked.

Her arms tightened around his chest and he heard her sob. “I don't think so,” she said. “It's like I have two sets of memories, or something. Like a terrible fight is going on in my head, two voices trying to tell me which memory is true.” She cried harder and Jason could do nothing but hold her.

“Can you tell me about both?”

It tumbled out of her in confusing bits, much the way he guessed it must be inside her head. Two competing pasts—one of a happy, close-knit family and the other a horrible story of rape, assault and broken lives—spilled out of her. As he listened, one more piece seemed to sort itself out in the puzzle of their shared nightmare. He remembered the pictures of the happy family, of a young man who must be her brother, smiling at the camera from beside her, both parents hugging her and beaming with pride at her graduation. They sure as hell looked happy. And her brother didn't look in any way crippled.

“They must create memories, somehow,” he said softly, more to himself. “They insert nightmares of a past into your head—maybe to control you.” For a moment he wondered about his own memories. Were they made up as well? He unconsciously rubbed his thigh, touching the scars where the pins had been driven through his little boy flesh. No—that had been real.

He looked over at Jenny who studied him closely now.

“Can you call them?”

“Who?” she asked.

“Your parents—your brother,” he said. “Call them and see which reality seems right when you're talking to them. Call your brother and just ask what he's up to. See how he sounds.”

“We don't really talk,” she said and her face clouded. Then she stopped. “Do we? I mean I think we do—or don't.” Her face scrunched up again, almost like she was in pain. “I just don't know.”

“Call them,” he said simply.

She laid her head back on his chest. “Okay,” she said. Her voice seemed more resigned than agreeable. “I'll do whatever you think.”

A few minutes later, Jason lay alone in the bed and listened to Jenny as she talked to her brother on the phone. Her voice sounded strained and her brother must have thought so as well, because Jason heard her tell him that she was just tired from working nights.

“Really, I'm fine,” her voice said from the other room. “Just tired—I love you, too. I will, I promise. I'll call you this weekend.”

Jason listened to silence for a moment and then he heard her voice again.

“Mom? Hey, it's me. No, no, I'm fine.”

Jenny small talked in the other room with her mom and Jason's mind drifted to Nathan—a grown man in a five-year-old body (almost six—a Nathan voice reminded him). Little Nathan whom he now believed held the key to the whole thing.

Unless he turns out to be a scaredy cat like you were.

“Whatever, dude,” Jason mumbled. He would protect Nathan and Jenny from whatever the hell this was if he could.

Like your mom?

Jason pressed the heels of his hands hard into his eyes which set off little lightning flashes. He saw his mother's face—thin and pale. She looked at him from the hospital bed and tried to smile. He remembered a stale smell about her. After a few years in medicine, he knew that smell very well—that death smell.

“When they come for me, I think I'll just go,” she had said.

Even then, Jason thought he had known she meant the Lizard Men. He just hadn't been able to admit it to himself.

Jenny plopped down on the bed beside him and put the cell phone on the end table. Jason took her hand.

“Everything alright?” he asked.

“Fine,” she said, and she seemed a little more confident. “They're fine—and I know them. The real them, I think. The other pictures are still there, not the cave ones but—the others. I'm pretty sure I know they're lies.” She looked at him and smiled weakly. “At least for now I feel that way. Can you help me understand what this all means?”

Jason shifted uncomfortably. “I'll try real hard.”

Jenny laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her. He knew they should head to the hospital soon and check on Nathan, but he would give Jenny a few more minutes. After only a moment, Jenny's breathing turned heavy.
I'll just let her sleep for thirty minutes.

Jason stared at the wall beyond her and held on tightly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nathan didn't exactly decide to go; he just got to the point where he felt it might be okay. The other-him voice told him to head to the cave, taunted him really, and Nathan gave in, like when your friend on a play date had a game they really wanted to play and even though you didn't think it sounded fun, you did it because that's what friends do. He didn't feel sure the other-him voice was a friend, but “kind of sort of,” like Mommy liked to say.

Nathan knew that a new body would be in the big room but he didn't worry about it. It might be gross, but after seeing Steve with his guts torn out and the other fat guy with his brains bashed out, he thought those types of things might not bother him so much.

Nathan crawled to the top of the path and looked down. It seemed weird to be in the cave and not feel super scared—maybe a little nervous, but definitely not super scared. Maybe he'd grown stronger. Maybe he would be able to Ranger up when the time came.

The time is coming, Ranger. You can count on it. Scaredy-cat days need to be behind us now. The time is almost here.

“I know,” he mumbled, and he really did.

He looked down into the big cavern of a room and felt no surprise at the body on the dirt floor. Nathan swallowed hard, made a soft “Oooh” sound and then covered his mouth. He felt pretty sure the Lizard Men were not home, but wanted to be extra quiet just in case. The body looked more than just a little gross. The head was mostly missing except for a little part of the bottom of the face, and that looked all squished up.

The man looked like he had put his pants on backward, only he wore no pants—his butt was in the front and his weenie was in the back. All around his waist where he must've got twisted up, a thick line of black and blue spread out. At first, Nathan thought one arm had been torn off but then he saw it had been crunched up underneath the body. It looked even grosser than Steve. Nathan wondered just how the Lizard Men had torn him up so bad.

Let's go, Ranger. You gotta go down there.

“No way,” he whispered harshly. “Not by myself.”

He felt a big lump in his throat like he had swallowed a piece of steak without chewing it enough and he felt himself shake.

We gotta use the other way out—the way the Lizard Men come in.

I can't. Not alone. We have to wait for Jason.

No time for that, Ranger. Next time you're here together it'll be too late.

I'm scared.

I know—let's Power Up.

Nathan closed his eyes and pictured himself as a real Power Ranger. He crossed his arms at the wrist then pulled one arm back like on the show and imagined he had a real Power Ranger Morpher on his arm—a red one like the best Ranger. He kept his eyes closed and mumbled softly—

“Power Rangers—Power Up—Yeah!”

In his head he pictured himself surrounded by light and magically transformed into the powerful Red Ranger, a blaster on his belt and the cool red helmet and mask on his head. When he opened his eyes, he knew he still looked small and naked, but he felt bigger and braver.

“Okay,” he said to himself with a Ranger-like voice. “Let's do this.”

Nathan crawled on all fours and went over the ledge. On the way down, he stood up and looked around nervously. He half expected the bad guys to come out of nowhere and kept his right hand on his imaginary blaster, just in case.

The Lizard Men seemed always to move off to the left and so he turned that way, smart enough to keep his eyes off the body with the smashed-away head and backward legs. As he moved toward the left side of the cave, a soft but hot breeze licked his face and he thought he must be headed the right way, but it sure looked dark that way. The pinpoint of light he saw was probably just made up in his head, so he tried to make the dark corner he headed toward lighter. The corner stayed dark no matter how hard his mind tried to force light in front of him, but he gripped his imaginary blaster and moved into the shadow anyway.

“No problem,” he mumbled, trying to sound brave.

The hot breeze felt more like a wind now and started to smell bad—similar to the smell the Lizard Men had when they came back forth to the real world.

Kinda-sorta.

Nathan wondered how the other-him voice sounded like Mommy. He moved more quickly into the shadows and the walls seemed closer as the passage squeezed down and became narrower. He felt himself crouch a little without thinking about it, but he knew he had plenty of distance to the ceiling—the Lizard Men were much taller than him.

Far ahead the darkness seemed to melt away, replaced by a soft glow. The fear came back and suddenly the dark seemed heavy. Nathan stopped, unsure. He wanted to go back. In fact he wanted to go back to his hospital bed right now. The smell got worse and the hot wind pushed his hair back on his head.

“I wanna go back,” he said and knew his voice sounded all trembly and like a scared little boy. He didn't care.

I'm a little boy. I'm scared. I want my mommy.

You're more than you imagine. You're not a scaredy cat and you can be powerful, but you have to believe it.

I want my mommy.

Okay. Can you come back this way when it's time?

“When is that?” he asked, aloud this time.

You'll know.

“Okay,” he said. Then he stopped for a moment, his thoughts suddenly pulled in another direction. “Who are you?”

Nathan listened for the other-him voice to answer inside his head but it didn't. He stood there, alone in the hot wind and nasty smell.

You already know.

“Are you inside of me?”

No. But I'm a part of you, and of Jason. And the others.

“Others?”

It doesn't matter. Remember this passageway. Let's power down, Ranger.

Nathan closed his eyes tightly and the bad smell changed almost immediately to the funny smell of the hospital and the soft smell of his mom's shampoo. He opened his eyes and stared up at the dark ceiling and breathed deeply of the cooler air.

Stay ready.

“I will,” he said softly so as not to wake his mom. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. He pictured the park again and in his mind his mommy and Jason and Jenny all sat together with him on a picnic blanket, the playground in the background. Nathan pictured every detail and tried to hear their laughter and see their smiles, building a nice dream for himself.

 

*  *  *

 

Jenny snuggled backward toward Jason and felt his breath on her neck. She could feel sleep coming and wanted to plunge into it, but knew they should go check on Nathan. She just felt so damn exhausted. Maybe just a few minutes with her eyes closed, a short power nap. Jenny pulled Jason's hand to her mouth and kissed it gently.

Then she dreamed.

She knew it really was a dream, not just the weird, dreamlike fugue that had taken her to places where she worried she had done horrible things, or to the cave where maybe things had been done to her. No, she dreamed like real people dream, loopy little snippets, some funny and others weird.

At least at first.

Instead of the hot, filthy cave, Jenny went to a quiet pond where she sat alone in the tall grass and watched two deer sip gently from the water a few feet away. It felt more like an interruption of her dream, like when someone tries to shake you awake and so you just start dreaming that you're riding on a bumpy road.

She knew the voice that called her and for a moment she had a flash of her car, alone in the empty parking deck, her faced scrunched up against the horrible fart smell. She still sat by the pond and watched the two deer drink, but the voice called from somewhere else and she heard it in the dream. The deer seemed to hear it too, because they raised their heads and sniffed the air, suddenly alert to some potential danger.

Are you going to believe these lies, Jenny? Don't you see he just wants the same thing your daddy stole from you? He just wants what's between your legs, and you're giving it to him!

No, that wasn't true. The memories of her dad, the horrible memories—those were the lies. Jason rescued her from the evil lies. Jason, her hero.

Really? Can you feel that? Feel it against your back? It's his dirty cock and you let him put it inside you. He's raped you just like daddy—only you're easier to rape now, aren't you?

One of the deer by her little pond dashed off, spooked by the voice that intruded into the peaceful scene. The other one stopped sniffing the air and looked at Jenny, its eyes suddenly glowing embers. The mouth opened and the deer smiled with impossibly long teeth.

“It's not too late to help us stop them. You can help us make sure they all keep their dirty little cocks to themselves. You can help us make sure no one else gets fucked like you.”

The doe stared at her, almost through her, and the orange glow of the eyes deepened to a dark red. She noticed movement on the far side of the pond and looked past the devil-deer and there stood Nathan. He squatted on the edge of the pond and seemed to poke at something with a stick. Then he saw her and stood up, his body so thin and frail, and waved.

“Listen to me!” the devil deer snarled. “He can't save any of you now.”

Jenny raised her head from her pillow and stifled a scream in her throat. The deer and the pond and the horrible voice disappeared like a mist sucked from the room. But the feeling stayed inside her and for a moment she started to push Jason's arms off her so she could squirm away from his dirty cock. Then she saw his face in the soft light from her bathroom, soft and real. He looked at her and she rested her head back on the pillow and turned her body toward him, their eyes and noses only inches apart.

“Hi,” she said with a real smile.

“Hi,” he answered and kissed her gently. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she said and kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around her and she melted into him.

Just five more minutes.

 

*  *  *

 

They ran no risk of running into anyone between the parking garage and the hospital, since they arrived a good hour before the standard shift changes began at six-forty-five. Jason didn't want to talk to anyone, even to answer questions about how the most socially impotent resident on staff seemed to be scoring with a really, really hot nurse.

The halls were abandoned, the hour too early for visitors and the staff all scrambling to finish up work before their relief arrived. He held hands with Jenny and pushed the elevator up button. She looked at him and he gave her his most dashing it's-all-gonna-be-okay smile, but doubted he looked very reassuring. But she smiled back.

“You okay?” he asked and squeezed her hand.

“Yeah,” she said and kissed his cheek. “Tired and grumpy.”

He laughed.

They rode up the elevator in silence, still holding hands.

“You've got the numbers?” he asked.

Jenny patted the pocket of her scrub jacket, this one covered in bears holding balloons. “Right here,” she promised. He had written down her cell number and the unit number and put it in his pocket, then given her the ER number, his cell, and his pager number. He didn't know what he thought might happen while they were at work, but he wanted to make sure they could get each other, just in case. They would also meet for lunch if they could both get away. Jason felt a little like an over-protective father, and as they approached the doors to the Pediatric ICU his thoughts went to the reason they were up early—Nathan.

“Well, my, my. Whatever do we have here?” Jason was jarred from his thoughts by Nurse Wernicke and her happy, I-caught-you-kids chuckle. He looked up and saw she stood with her hands on her generous hips and mischievous joy on her ruddy face. “And just what have you kids been up to?” Jason felt himself blush.

Jenny squeezed his arm and laid her head briefly on his shoulder. Surprised, Jason grinned at the charge nurse like a seven-year-old kid who just scored his first basket in a real game. He tried to think of something clever to say, but instead just let Jenny pull him along toward Nathan's room.

“You guys look great together,” the charge nurse called after them.

As Jenny reached for the door to Nathan's room, Jason put his hand on hers and she turned and looked at him with the same far away but real smile. “Are we?” he asked.

“What?”

“Great together?”

She kissed his cheek and smiled. For a moment she looked like what she should be—a young woman with the exciting butterflies from a new relationship.

Together they entered Nathan's room.

Nathan looked a little tired, but beamed when he opened his eyes and saw them.

“I was just dreaming about you guys,” he said.

The words gave Jason a chill and his mouth went dry, but Nathan looked content so he shook the feeling off.

“How'r ya doin', bud?” he asked and sat beside Nathan on the edge of the bed.

“I just told my mommy—I mean my mom—about this great dream I had. All you guys were there and we were havin' a picnic and there was a playground and everything.”

“Was there a pond? Were there deer there?” Jenny's voice sounded flat in a way that made Jason even more uneasy. He felt a growing sense, not of
déjà vu
exactly, but more of foreboding. Nathan must not have felt it because he continued on happily.

“No, Miss Jenny, but they had a water fountain and Jason splashed me with water from it. There was a fountain, but not a pond. I think I saw a squirrel.”

Nathan continued on and Jason watched Jenny closely. The cloud that had engulfed her at the mention of the dream dissipated, but she still seemed distant.

Something's wrong. You know that, right, bro? You better keep your shit together and be ready to rock if you think you're gonna keep these two safe.

Yeah, like you did for your mom, scaredy cat.

Jason made a little “tsk” sound that no one heard and ignored the voice, again. Nathan talked about playing tag around the jungle gym in his dream.