The Diary of a Young Girl (13 page)

Dearest Kitty
,

Yesterday was Dussel’s birthday. At first he acted as if he didn’t want to celebrate it, but when Miep arrived with a large shopping bag overflowing with gifts, he was as excited as a little kid. His darling “Lotje” has sent him eggs, butter, cookies, lemonade, bread, cognac, spice cake, flowers, oranges, chocolate, books and writing paper. He piled his presents on a table and displayed them for no fewer than three days, the silly old goat!

You mustn’t get the idea that he’s starving. We found bread, cheese, jam and eggs in his cupboard. It’s absolutely disgraceful that Dussel, whom we’ve treated with such kindness and whom we took in to save from destruction, should stuff himself behind our backs and not give us anything. After all, we’ve shared all we had with him! But what’s worse, in our opinion, is that he’s so
stingy with respect to Mr. Kleiman, Mr. Voskuijl and Bep. He doesn’t give them a thing. In Dussel’s view the oranges that Kleiman so badly needs for his sick stomach will benefit his own stomach even more.

Tonight the guns have been banging away so much that I’ve already had to gather up my belongings four times. Today I packed a suitcase with the stuff I’d need in case we had to flee, but as Mother correctly noted, “Where would you go?”

All of Holland is being punished for the workers’ strikes. Martial law has been declared, and everyone is going to get one less butter coupon. What naughty children.

I washed Mother’s hair this evening, which is no easy task these days. We have to use a very sticky liquid cleanser because there’s no more shampoo. Besides that, Moms had a hard time combing her hair because the family comb has only ten teeth left.

Yours, Anne

S
UNDAY
, M
AY
2, 1943

When I think about our lives here, I usually come to the conclusion that we live in a paradise compared to the Jews who aren’t in hiding. All the same, later on, when everything has returned to normal, I’ll probably wonder how we, who always lived in such comfortable circumstances, could have “sunk” so low. With respect to manners, I mean. For example, the same oilcloth has covered the dining table ever since we’ve been here. After so much use, it’s hardly what you’d call spotless. I do my best to clean it, but since the dishcloth was also purchased before we went into hiding and consists of more holes than cloth, it’s a thankless task. The van Daans have been sleeping all winter long on the same flannel sheet, which
can’t be washed because detergent is rationed and in short supply. Besides, it’s of such poor quality that it’s practically useless. Father is walking around in frayed trousers, and his tie is also showing signs of wear and tear. Mama’s corset snapped today and is beyond repair, while Margot is wearing a bra that’s two sizes too small. Mother and Margot have shared the same three undershirts the entire winter, and mine are so small they don’t even cover my stomach. These are all things that can be overcome, but I sometimes wonder: how can we, whose every possession, from my underpants to Father’s shaving brush, is so old and worn, ever hope to regain the position we had before the war?

S
UNDAY
, M
AY
2, 1943

The Attitude of the Annex Residents Toward the War

Mr. van Daan
. In the opinion of us all, this revered gentleman has great insight into politics. Nevertheless, he predicts we’ll have to stay here until the end of ’43. That’s a very long time, and yet it’s possible to hold out until then. But who can assure us that this war, which has caused nothing but pain and sorrow, will then be over? And that nothing will have happened to us and our helpers long before that time? No one! That’s why each and every day is filled with tension. Expectation and hope generate tension, as does fear—for example, when we hear a noise inside or outside the house, when the guns go off or when we read new “proclamations” in the paper, since we’re afraid our helpers might be forced to go into hiding themselves sometime. These days everyone is talking about having to hide. We don’t know how many people are actually in hiding; of course, the number is relatively small compared to the general population, but
later on we’ll no doubt be astonished at how many good people in Holland were willing to take Jews and Christians, with or without money, into their homes. There’re also an unbelievable number of people with false identity papers.

Mrs. van Daan
. When this beautiful damsel (by her own account) heard that it was getting easier these days to obtain false IDs, she immediately proposed that we each have one made. As if there were nothing to it, as if Father and Mr. van Daan were made of money.

Mrs. van Daan is always saying the most ridiculous things, and her Putti is often exasperated. But that’s not surprising, because one day Kerli announces, “When this is all over, I’m going to have myself baptized”; and the next, “As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to go to Jerusalem. I only feel at home with other Jews!”

Pim
is a big optimist, but he always has his reasons.

Mr. Dussel
makes up everything as he goes along, and anyone wishing to contradict His Majesty had better think twice. In Albert Dussel’s home his word is law, but that doesn’t suit Anne Frank in the least.

What the other members of the Annex family think about the war doesn’t matter. When it comes to politics, these four are the only ones who count. Actually, only two of them do, but Madame van Daan and Dussel include themselves as well.

T
UESDAY
, M
AY
18, 1943

Dearest Kit
,

I recently witnessed a fierce dogfight between German and English pilots. Unfortunately, a couple of Allied airmen had to jump out of their burning plane. Our milkman, who lives in Halfweg, saw four Canadians sitting along the side of the road, and one of them spoke
fluent Dutch. He asked the milkman if he had a light for his cigarette, and then told him the crew had consisted of six men. The pilot had been burned to death, and the fifth crew member had hidden himself somewhere. The German Security Police came to pick up the four remaining men, none of whom were injured. After parachuting out of a flaming plane, how can anyone have such presence of mind?

Although it’s undeniably hot, we have to light a fire every other day to burn our vegetable peelings and garbage. We can’t throw anything into the trash cans, because the warehouse employees might see it. One small act of carelessness and we’re done for!

All college students are being asked to sign an official statement to the effect that they “sympathize with the Germans and approve of the New Order.” Eighty percent have decided to obey the dictates of their conscience, but the penalty will be severe. Any student refusing to sign will be sent to a German labor camp. What’s to become of the youth of our country if they’ve all got to do hard labor in Germany?

Last night the guns were making so much noise that Mother shut the window; I was in Pim’s bed. Suddenly, right above our heads, we heard Mrs. van D. leap up, as if she’d been bitten by Mouschi. This was followed by a loud boom, which sounded as if a firebomb had landed beside my bed. “Lights! Lights!” I screamed.

Pim switched on the lamp. I expected the room to burst into flames any minute. Nothing happened. We all rushed upstairs to see what was going on. Mr. and Mrs. van D. had seen a red glow through the open window, and he thought there was a fire nearby, while she was certain our house was ablaze. Mrs. van D. was already standing beside her bed with her knees knocking when
the boom came. Dussel stayed upstairs to smoke a cigarette, and we crawled back into bed. Less than fifteen minutes later the shooting started again. Mrs. van D. sprang out of bed and went downstairs to Dussel’s room to seek the comfort she was unable to find with her spouse. Dussel welcomed her with the words “Come into my bed, my child!”

We burst into peals of laughter, and the roar of the guns bothered us no more; our fears had all been swept away.

Yours, Anne

S
UNDAY
, J
UNE
13, 1943

Dearest Kitty
,

The poem Father composed for my birthday is too nice to keep to myself.

Since Pim writes his verses only in German, Margot volunteered to translate it into Dutch. See for yourself whether Margot hasn’t done herself proud. It begins with the usual summary of the year’s events and then continues:

Margot had trouble getting the part about food to rhyme, so I’m leaving it out. But aside from that, don’t you think it’s a good poem?

For the rest, I’ve been thoroughly spoiled and have received a number of lovely presents, including a big book on my favorite subject, Greek and Roman mythology. Nor can I complain about the lack of candy; everyone had dipped into their last reserves. As the Benjamin of the Annex, I got more than I deserve.

Yours, Anne

T
UESDAY
, J
UNE
15, 1943

Dearest Kitty
,

Heaps of things have happened, but I often think I’m boring you with my dreary chitchat and that you’d just as soon have fewer letters. So I’ll keep the news brief.

Mr. Voskuijl wasn’t operated on for his ulcer after all. Once the doctors had him on the operating table and
opened him up, they saw that he had cancer. It was in such an advanced stage that an operation was pointless. So they stitched him up again, kept him in the hospital for three weeks, fed him well and sent him back home. But they made an unforgivable error: they told the poor man exactly what was in store for him. He can’t work anymore, and he’s just sitting at home, surrounded by his eight children, brooding about his approaching death. I feel very sorry for him and hate not being able to go out; otherwise, I’d visit him as often as I could and help take his mind off matters. Now the good man can no longer let us know what’s being said and done in the warehouse, which is a disaster for us. Mr. Voskuijl was our greatest source of help and support when it came to safety measures. We miss him very much.

Next month it’s our turn to hand over our radio to the authorities. Mr. Kleiman has a small set hidden in his home that he’s giving us to replace our beautiful cabinet radio. It’s a pity we have to turn in our big Philips, but when you’re in hiding, you can’t afford to bring the authorities down on your heads. Of course, we’ll put the “baby” radio upstairs. What’s a clandestine radio when there are already clandestine Jews and clandestine money?

All over the country people are trying to get hold of an old radio that they can hand over instead of their “morale booster.” It’s true: as the reports from outside grow worse and worse, the radio, with its wondrous voice, helps us not to lose heart and to keep telling ourselves, “Cheer up, keep your spirits high, things are bound to get better!”

Yours, Anne

S
UNDAY
, J
ULY
11, 1943

Dear Kitty
,

To get back to the subject of child-rearing (for the umpteenth time), let me tell you that I’m doing my best to be helpful, friendly and kind and to do all I can to keep the rain of rebukes down to a light drizzle. It’s not easy trying to behave like a model child with people you can’t stand, especially when you don’t mean a word of it. But I can see that a little hypocrisy gets me a lot further than my old method of saying exactly what I think (even though no one ever asks my opinion or cares one way or another). Of course, I often forget my role and find it impossible to curb my anger when they’re unfair, so that they spend the next month saying I’m the most impertinent girl in the world. Don’t you think I’m to be pitied sometimes? It’s a good thing I’m not the grouchy type, because then I might become sour and bad-tempered. I can usually see the humorous side of their scoldings, but it’s easier when somebody else is being raked over the coals.

Further, I’ve decided (after a great deal of thought) to drop the shorthand. First, so that I have more time for my other subjects, and second, because of my eyes. That’s a sad story. I’ve become very nearsighted and should have had glasses ages ago. (Ugh, won’t I look like a dope!). But as you know, people in hiding can’t …