The Deviants (15 page)

‘I don't know,' said Corey slowly. ‘Is it worth it? I mean, I'm grateful you're all willing to do stuff for me to get back at him and everything, but it seems like a lot of trouble to go to, starting a whole campaign of terror.'

‘It's not just for you, Corey,' I said.

‘Huh?'

‘I want to do this. I
need
to do this. I think it'll help.'

‘What do you mean, help?' said Max, levering himself up again. ‘Help with what?'

I looked out towards the island. I held out my hands, palms down, showing them all my scabby knuckles. ‘With this.'

Max looked at me.

‘I lied to you. I didn't do this on the track. I've been punching the pillar in our lounge. I punch it until my hands bleed. And when the scabs come off, I go back and punch it some more.'

Max sat right up, and tore his aviators from his face, staring at me.

‘I get so angry. Sometimes I need to lash out. Pound on something. It's just how I feel.' I looked at Max. ‘That's why I've got Pete's keys. He lets me use his punchbag in his garage now. Every time I feel like punching the crap out of something, it's somewhere I can go and let off steam.'

‘Why didn't you tell me this?' said Max, coming over to my side of the picnic blanket.

I shook my head. ‘Because I can't explain why I do it. I just do. I feel… dangerous.'

‘But why are you so angry?' asked Corey. A wind whipped up around us, blowing empty crisp packets across the grass. I got up and went to grab them, but when I came back they were all still waiting for my answer.

Fallon was staring at me. For a flicker, my heart plunged, thinking she might say something about Neil; but yet again, I had underestimated her. ‘It's ever since your mum left, isn't it?'

Telepathically thanking her, I ran with the decoy. ‘I guess I still resent her, yeah, for leaving Dad when he was going through his treatment and everything. And David moving
away, as well – and Ollie never comes home now. Maybe it's all of it, or none of it, I don't know. But the other night, when we scared off the Shaws, it felt like it was going somewhere – the anger. It felt like it was being put to use. And the next morning, I didn't need to hit anything. I haven't felt like that in ages. That's why I want to do it again. I want to do something about what's making
you
angry, because I can't do anything about what's making
me
angry. Does that make any sense?'

Max didn't look sure at all, but Corey nodded.

‘It does to me,' said Fallon, getting to her feet with Corey's help. ‘Count me in. You helped me get rid of the Shaws – I'll do whatever you say.'

‘Don't Dare Fallon.' Corey smiled.

She smiled back. ‘I can't kill anything though. I couldn't kill an animal, unless it was already dead.' We all started laughing at that.

‘I couldn't kill anything either,' said Corey, opening a pack of gummy snakes. ‘But I'm down for anything else.'

‘Good,' I said. ‘How about you, Max?'

‘You know I am.' He looked a bit sheepish.

‘You sure?'

He nodded. ‘Yeah, I'm down for whatever too. May as well.'

I put my hand over the centre of the picnic blanket. ‘All for one, and all that.'

Corey put his hand on mine at once. Max mumbled about being childish, but covered Corey's hand with his own, too. As Fallon reached out, though, she suddenly shrieked out in agony.

‘Ooooooohhhhh!'

The boys jumped back off the blanket.

‘What?' I said. ‘Oh God, Fallon, what is it?'

‘The baby!' she said. ‘It kicked! A massive kick! Oh! It's not ever done that before. I mean, it's moved and sort of slithered about a bit, but not a proper kick. Ooh, it just did it again! Feel it! Feel it!'

All together, we got up and put our hands on Fallon's belly. And, almost at once, a tiny but powerful
WHAM
hit all our palms.

‘Bloody hell, what was that?!' cried Max, snatching his hand away.

‘That was a foot!' Corey shrieked. ‘That was definitely a little foot!'

‘Actually, I think it was a fist,' said Fallon.

‘Yeah, it was! A fist!' said Max.

‘Like an
I'm in too
fist?' said Corey with a grin.

Max smiled despite himself. ‘That was the baby saying,
Hell yeah, let's do this!
'

‘So we
are
the Fearless Five after all.'

For the next two hours, the four of us – or five, counting an increasingly lively Bump – chitchatted and schemed on top of that hill like escaped prisoners planning a dash across the border. Before long, my tiny army had outlined its plan of action as though it were a military manoeuvre – and we were all equally excited to go to war.

*

I had a text from Dad, saying he was coming back in the morning, so to celebrate my last night of freedom, we decided to have a takeaway from the Taste of the Orient and sleep over in the motorhome on our drive – Corey and Fallon on the fold-out bed, me and Max at the other end on the mattress topper, with the curtain the only thing dividing us.

‘Please don't have sex,' said Max, as he stood at the dividing curtain between the two ends of the caravan. Corey and
Fallon were snuggling in to watch old episodes of
Cash in the Attic
on Corey's iPad. ‘Last thing we wanna hear are your squelching noises. Besides, the suspension ain't great on this thing.'

‘Last thing on my mind,' said Fallon, as she glanced at Corey. His head was resting on her shoulder and he was already in an exhausted half-sleep, having blown his own mind with the amazingness of our Chinese takeaway. He'd spent the last hour alone talking about the marinade on the spare ribs.

‘'Night, Max. 'Night, Ella Bella Paella,' he called out dozily.

‘'Night, Corey.' I chuckled.

Max drew the curtain across and climbed into bed beside me. After a pause, he spooned against me and held me around my waist, sighing into my neck.

‘He's brilliant, isn't he?' I whispered. ‘So's Fallon, I really like her. They've got not sides to them at all, have they?'

‘Yeah.' Max chuckled. ‘Have you ever seen anyone so in love with a spring roll? And what's the matter with Fallon's doctor saying she was on the “autistic speculum”. She's class.'

‘Aw, don't take the piss out of her.'

‘What? You started it.'

‘Yeah, well, she's sweet. She's been a good friend to me.'

‘So why'd you dump her at school then?'

‘I didn't dump her. We just… grew apart. So did you and Corey. And Zane.'

‘Well Zane brought that on himself.'

There was a nervous pause. I could feel Max building up to say something. At last, he opened his eyes and let out a long rattling breath. ‘That was bullshit before, wasn't it? When you said you were still angry about your mum
leaving. I know it was. You don't give a monkey's about her.'

I couldn't think what to say. So I just said, ‘'Night.'

‘'Night,' he returned, with a definite sigh.

*

The next time I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside the caravan and a light rain was pitter-pattering on the skylight. I looked across and Max was sitting bolt upright beside me, shivering. I reached out and pulled the curtain open a little way so I could see him more clearly in the light from the street lamp outside. He was running with sweat.

‘Max? Are you all right?'

He shook his head. He looked too petrified to move. I'd never seen him like that. It was like he was in a trance. His eyes were wide and staring out into nothing, his pupils like full stops. I levered myself up and placed my hand on his back. He winced.

‘Did you have a bad dream?'

He nodded. ‘Same one.'

‘What do you mean? Have you had it before?'

‘A few times.' He rubbed his face all over on the sheet. ‘Christ, I'm dripping. I need a smoke.' He made to get out of bed but I stopped him.

‘What happens? In the dream?'

‘I don't want to talk about it.'

‘Is it Jessica?' Eventually, he nodded. ‘The bus?' He nodded again.

I held him and rested my chin on his shoulder. ‘You're OK now. It's all gone.'

‘Tell me why you're angry,' he said.

‘What?'

‘Tell me why you punch walls and kick off at stuff all the time.'

‘Max…'

‘Tell me why you won't have sex with me.' I opened my mouth to speak, but no words escaped. ‘It's driving me crazy, Ella. You leave me paranoid cos you won't say anything. And now all this stuff about you punching walls and using Hamlin's gym. Tell me.'

‘Tell you what?'

‘Is he… hurting you? Has he… raped you?'

I was a rabbit in the headlights, even though the caravan was dark. ‘Pete? No. Why would you think that?'

There were snores on the other side of the curtain.

‘Because Wikipedia says the main reason a person is genophobic is cos of sexual abuse. Rape. If he's grooming you I'll kill him, I swear. I'd die if I thought anything like that had happened and I wasn't there to stop it. Please tell me, Ella. I'm going out of my mind!'

‘Of course it wasn't that,' I said, praying he wouldn't see my glowing red cheeks in the darkness. ‘Pete's my friend, he wouldn't do that.'

His hand was shaking as he chewed a raggedy bit of skin on his thumb. ‘You swear?'

‘I don't know why I'm like this, Max. But it's not that. He hasn't laid a finger on me.'

A tiny part of me wanted to say it; to unload the sack of crap I carried around. I had thought that seeing Fallon again would force it out in the open so everyone would finally know. It would have been a relief, for a while. But however bad things were now, they didn't come close to how bad they
would
be if I told the truth. It was better left buried, inside me, where it couldn't hurt anyone else.

‘I'm sorry you're worried about me. But there's nothing to worry about.'

‘No, I'm sorry,' he said, kissing me gently on my mouth. I kissed him back and held the back of his neck with my fingertips. I could feel his body heat beneath his T-shirt. I wanted to take it off. Reading my mind, he ripped it off over his head and flung it across the floor.

‘I love you so much, Ells,' he whispered.

‘I love you too.'

Max pressed his whole body against mine and we lay down and stayed like that for the longest time, just kissing, just holding. Just being warm beneath the duvet together.

Then I felt him between my legs.

‘NO,' I said. He rolled off and sighed, banging the mattress with his fist.

I felt around for his other hand and held it in the darkness. He was just lying there, eyes to the ceiling. He moved his head to look at me. ‘Always something in the way, in't there?'

I couldn't look at him.

‘Just Snuggly Duddlies then?' he said, at last.

‘Yeah,' I replied, turning over so he could spoon me properly. Before he did, he put one of the small square sofa cushions between us. ‘Just Duddlies.'

He planted a kiss on my neck.

‘Are we OK, Max?'

‘Yeah, I think so,' he whispered back. Moments later, his breaths become slower; I felt his body go heavy and I knew he was asleep.

Somewhere outside, the eerie trill of a cat's miaow echoed around the whole street.

‘So even your dad didn't know?'

13

Up To Mischief

Tuesday, 4 August

N
obody knew, apart from Fallon. Dad would have made me go to the police. He would have made me talk about it. Gone round to JoNeille and… actually, I don't know
what
he'd have done. Dad wasn't like me. He never raged. Even when his cancer came back the second time, he just got on with it. He took his tablets, got nuked with chemicals every other fortnight until his hair fell out and his appetite never made it past crackers, but I never once heard him moan. Even when Mum ran off to Greece with the guy from the kebab shop. In fact, the day she left, I heard him wish her all the best on the driveway. I was the one in the hallway, holding the house brick I was about to launch through their windscreen. Dad paid for the new glass. He even
apologised
. I never did. I never would.

Looking Dad in the eye and saying those three words, saying what Neil had done to me, was impossible. How could I do that? If he missed an episode of
MasterChef
he went into shock. He wore half-moon glasses and hoarded all this junk in the garage, like he was storing breaths before
going under water. No, it had to be kept locked in my head where only I had the key. I couldn't put him through any more. I wasn't her.

The next morning, while I went round to Pete's for training and a quick go on the bag, Fallon did the boys a fry up and then they went into town to get provisions for Operation: Zane. We made plans to meet outside Subway later on. Just as I was dozing off in front of
Loose Women
, I felt a breeze on my face. Dad was home.

‘Hello, Sleepy Girl,' he said as I came to and stood up to greet him, nuzzling into his bobbly green jumper. ‘Had a good time without me?'

I felt his warm hand on the back of my head and swallowed down the sob caught in my throat. ‘Not really.'

‘How come?'

‘I just missed you, that's all,' I said.

‘Aww, that's nice.'

‘How's Matthew?' I said, still breathing in the familiar coffee scent of his jumper.

‘Very cute, if noisy.' He chuckled. ‘He's got Jack's big brown eyes too. They're both besotted. They want you to go and visit.' He pulled away and headed into the kitchen. ‘Do you want a brew?'

‘No, I'm supposed to be meeting Max in a bit in town. Oh… no.' I'd told Fallon I'd clear up the breakfast mess when I got back but I'd forgotten. Instead, Dad was faced with a bombsite of cracked eggs, greasy coils of kitchen roll, empty packets and toast crumbs. I followed him in. ‘Sorry, I meant to clear it up after my shower.'