The Demon Lover (38 page)

It’s in the family. “

“He’s like them. I’ll be like my father when I’m grown up.”

It all came back to one thing. He idolized the father who ignored him.

I felt my anger rising against Rollo once more.

Rollo was always seeking an opportunity to be alone with me. It was time I left the castle. When I was in the Loge it must be easier, I told myself. Then it occurred to me that it might be worse. I should not go there. I should leave without delay. But where could I go to?

And what of Kendal? He must not get thin and ill-nourished again.

I remonstrated with Rollo.

“You are cruel to William’ I told him.

“Why do you have to behave as though the boy is not there?”

“It’s the easiest way to tolerate him.”

“You vent your petty spite on a child. I think that is despicable.”

“Dear Kate, I can’t pretend to like the boy. Every time I see him, I remember who he is. L’Estrange’s bastard. You couldn’t expect me to treat him as though he were my own child.”

“You could pretend.”

“I’m not good at pretence.”

“I thought you were supposed to be good at anything you put your mind to.”

“Not that. I never want to see the boy.”

“And now Kendal is here, it is worse. I saw William watching you the other day when you were with Kendal. He came running to you and you went on talking to Kendal as though William were not there. Can’t you see what you are doing to the child?”

“I don’t see him at all.”

“It’s cruel, and for some incomprehensible reason, the boy seems to idolize you.”

“It’s obviously the right way to treat him then.”

“A little notice from you would make him completely happy.”

“You are sentimental Kate. Turn your sentiments to a more worthy cause.”

“You wonder why I don’t care for you. If you would take a good look at yourself, you would see why nobody could.”

“You are illogical, Kate. A moment ago you were telling me the boy idolized me. But why, when we are together, do we waste our time talking about him?”

“I happen to be interested in him.” I shrugged my shoulders and turned away.

He was beside me, taking my hand.

“It’s hard going on like this,” he said.

“Every night . you’re in the castle … and not with me.”

“I shall be going to the Loge tomorrow.”

“And I shall be thinking of you there in just the same way.”

“I wonder if I ought to try to get to England. They’ll be worried about me. Good heavens, they will be thinking I am still in Paris.

They’ll know the news, of course. “

“I should think the whole world knows of the humiliation of Paris

“Is it possible to get a letter to England?”

“It might be. I don’t know what’s happening at the ports. The situation is rather vague. I gather that the Communists of Paris are now fighting against the new Republic. They don’t want a peaceful solution. It seems they want revolution again. There is no law and order in the city. Thank God we got away when we did, heaven knows what would have happened to us among that mad rabble. They are rioting still and destroying buildings. It seems it is just for the sake of destruction. You would think Paris had suffered enough.”

“It seems as if I shall never get back.”

“It will be a long time.”

“I am sure my stepmother will be anxious. I haven’t heard from her since the death of my father. That was just before the siege started.

She wrote a heartbreaking letter to me. Poor Clare! She is very gentle woman . unable to take care of herself very well. I should like her to know that I am safe. “

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Write your letter to her and I’ll send a man to the coast with it to see what the position is. I

don’t know whether the packet boats are going back and forth across the Channel. It may well be that they are. Write your letter and he will take it. If he can send it, all well and good. If not. well, we’ll try again later. “

“Thank you. That’s good of you.”

“Oh, Kate, you would find out how very good I can be if only …”

“It’s a forbidden subject.”

“Tell me one thing. If I were free …”

“You are not free. Please don’t talk in this way. You cannot be free, and there is an end to it. If I could leave for England, I could stay with my stepmother for a while until I decided what I could do.”

“Then perhaps I had better not send that letter.” He laughed at me.

“No, Kate, you take me too seriously sometimes. Of course, I’ll get that letter across if it is possible. I’m not the man to be frightened of a stepmother.”

“Thank you,” I said.

The next day Kendal’ Jeanne and I moved into the Loge.

Jeanne and I found it more comfortable living in the Loge. There was a cosiness about it which the castle lacked. We could get the place warm because it was so small, and nestling below the castle meant that it was protected from the cold winds which buffeted the great edifice above us.

It had been arranged that Jeanne and Kendal should go to the castle for lessons because William would join them there. Jeanne and I nattered each other and ourselves that there was a perceptible change in William since we had come; he had lost a little of his nervousness and the fact that he had his moments of triumph in the schoolroom gave him confidence. Kendal had taken up an almost protective attitude towards him since Jeanne and I had told him that he must not be too rough with him; and instead of resenting this attitude, William seemed to appreciate it.

As for myself, I was very restive. I did not like to be so reliant on Rollo’s hospitality. Had I been alone, I should have attempted to get to England, but because of Kendal I was very uncertain. Having seen him so wan and ill-nourished, I was afraid to subject him to anything like that again. I often wondered if the ordeal had weakened him a little although he showed no signs of it. In any case, because I was determined not to subject him to anything like that again, if I could help it, I must submerge my pride and accept this position for that reason.

I was not blind to the fact that it was an explosive situation. There were schemes in Rollo’s mind, and I had reason to know to what lengths he would be capable of going in order to carry them out. His passion for me seemed to increase and he was getting impatient. He made no attempt to disguise his pride in Kendal, and I found it disturbing to live under the same roof for one might say that, even though I was the Loge as himself and his wife.

I must get away. I told myself that a hundred times a day. But how?

That was the question.

I was eager for news of what was happening in the country. Paris was in turmoil. There was news of a National Assembly to be held at Bordeaux. There were meetings at Versailles. The country was in disorder, and we were fortunate to be in our little oasis, the like of which there could only be a few in remote country places throughout the whole of France.

So I must be careful. I must not be rash. I must swallow my pride and accept this extraordinary situation until I could see a way out of it.

If I were honest with myself I would admit that I did not want to go away. It was going to take me no less than the others some time to recover from the fearful ordeal through which I had passed in the Paris siege. There was only one thing to do . wait. And I was relieved in a way that circumstances forced me to accept this.

On my first morning at the Loge, Rollo called. Jeanne and Kendal had gone up to the castle for lessons so I was alone.

He was clearly delighted by this and, I expected, had arranged to come at this time.

“Well,” he said, ‘how do you feel about this place? “

“It is very comfortable.”

“And we are not far apart. In a way this is probably more convenient.”

“Convenient?” I asked.

“There is more … solitude.” He was looking at me earnestly.

“What are we going to do, Kate?”

“Do? We? Kendal and I will have to stay here until I can work something out.”

“I can think of a pleasant way of working it out.”

“I must get back to Paris or go to England. I think perhaps the latter would be best for, as you say, it will take a long time for Paris to get back to normal.”

“What would you do in England?”

“Paint.”

“You are not known in England.”

“My father was.”

“You are not your father. I set you up in Paris. It was my recommendations which brought those sitters.”

“I know that now, but I must try. Merit will win through in the end.”

“Meanwhile, in the tradition of artists, you will starve in your garret. Artists can only be successful if they are fashionable. People are like sheep. They are told: ” This is good” and they say: ” This is good”. If they are not told they do not know … and obscurity for them means incompetence.”

“I know that it is true, but I think that eventually hard work wins through.”

“When you’re dead, perhaps. But that is not going to keep you and the boy in luxury … not even the necessities of life. Be sensible Kate. You and I will be together. You shall have a studio. I swear I’ll never interfere with your work. I’ll have the boy legitimized.”

“How can that be?”

“It’s possible. It won’t be the first time it has been done. We’ll have a home together. We’ll choose the place. You shall choose it. We belong together. I know that to be true … more than I have ever known anything.”

“You are a man of wide experience,” I said, ‘and you make your plans and decide what is to be done not only by yourself but by everyone else. There is one thing you have not learned yet and that is that where two people are concerned there are two opinions . two wills.

You may have been able to bend people your way in the past, but it does not work like that with everyone. “

“I know, Kate. I’m learning.”

“You are becoming quite humble … for you.”

“It’s all part of what you are teaching me, and you are teaching me a great deal, Kate. I never thought I could become as obsessed by a woman as I am by you.”

“Might that be because you cannot have me?”

“Cannot is a word I don’t accept.”

“It is a word we all have t(> accept at times … even you.”

He took me in his arms suddenly and kissed me violently. I was taken off my guard and for a few seconds did not fight back. The thought flashed into my mind: We are alone in this house. I am at his mercy.

And although I tried to suppress the wild excitement which possessed me, I could not.

I was desperately afraid that he would sense my feelings. He must never know how he could take me off my guard, stir my emotions, make me feel that I wanted him to use violence against me. I dreamed sometimes that I was in that bedroom in the tower, and when I awoke it was not with a sense of fear and revulsion, but of longing to be there in fact.

At the back of my mind this change in my feelings towards him was one of the reasons why I knew I ought to get away before it overwhelmed me.

I withdrew myself with a show of indignation.

“I think,” I said slowly, ‘that I ought to go away . now . without delay. “

He took my hands and kissed them.

“No,” he said passionately.

“No, Kate, never leave me.”

I tried to work up a fury against him.

“You know the position I’m in here. I have nowhere to go. I have a child who has to be cared for. I have to stay here … against my will I have to stay. But I have no intention of setting up as your mistress like … Nicole .. “

My voice shook and I felt the tears rush to my eyes.

The mention of Nicole’s name sobered us both. He had been more deeply affected by her death than he had betrayed. I was wondering now what her advice would be if she were alive to give it.

I walked away from him and went to the window.

I said: “I want to earn something while I am here. I don’t want to live on your bounty. I should tike to paint again. I was going to ask if I might do a miniature of William.”

“William! Why would anyone want a miniature of Wiliam?”

“If he had good parents that would seem a superfluous question. Alas, poor boy, he is sadly neglected. I want to do something. I want you to ask me to paint a miniature of William.”

“All right, ” he said. “Do it.”

“I shall have to come to the castle. The light wouldn’t be good enough here.”

“Kate, you may come to the castle whenever you wish to do so.”

“Thank you, and I shall tell William that you want this portrait of him.”

LOVER “I?”

“Yes, you. That will please him so much. And perhaps when it is being done, you will come to the studio and display a little interest in what is going on.”

“I’m always interested in your work.”

“Please show a little interest in William.”

“For you … anything,” he said.

William was delighted when I told him I was to paint his portrait.

“Will it be a little one?” he asked.

“And will Kendal have one too?”

“Perhaps. Kendal has many. I used to paint him when we were in Paris.”

“Show me.”

“I can’t. When we left Paris we had to leave everything behind. Now we shall have to see if we can find the necessary paints to make your portrait.”

Rollo was helpful. He knew of an artist who lived a few miles away and he thought it was possible that he might be able to supply the paints we needed, although it was doubtful that he would have the ivory I should need for the support. I sighed to think of all we had left behind in Paris.

Rollo went to see the artist and brought back paints and vellum as there was no ivory available.

“I can use vellum,” I said.

“After all, it was used in the sixteenth century and was the foundation of many miniature masterpieces.”

The boys were with me in that room in the castle where I had first painted Rollo. They watched me stretch the vellum over a stiff white card glueing it where it overlapped and then pressing it between sheets of paper.

William was particularly excited. It was wonderful to see that look of haunted defiance leaving his face.

I I