The Decision (40 page)

One day, she supposed, someone would come along and sweep her off her feet, but he’d have to be pretty damn amazing, and what was more recognise that she was amazing too. Otherwise – why bother?

She too worried about Eliza – who, now she knew her a bit better, she liked and admired a lot – and Matt’s apparent high-handed treatment of her. God, she wouldn’t have been kept out of that poncey flat of his if she’d wanted to live there. There she was, this girl, born with a silver spoon in her mouth, as successful in her own field as Louise was in hers, trailing round after him, doing what he said. Not good for him, Louise knew that better than anybody. She probably knew him better than anybody as well, she thought; and understood him through and through, every awkward, arrogant and – just occasionally she would admit if only to herself – endearing, bit of him.

The office she had for Scarlett was pronounced perfect: on the first floor of a very pretty mews building, two rooms, one large, one small, both very light, plus a small kitchenette and loo.

‘You can rent the garage beneath if you want it, or you could take it and let it, or just let us do that for you. I’d take it if I were you. Use it for your own car. If your business goes well, you’ll want to expand in no time, and if it doesn’t it’ll be an additional source of income.’

Scarlett said she’d take it.

‘Thank you, Louise. Can I buy you a coffee?’

‘Oh, no thanks. I’ve got a meeting in half an hour, back in West One. Can I give you a lift?’

‘No, I’m cutting down to the terminal. I’m still employed by BOAC, will be for a couple of months. Which is fine, I get a lot of leave, so I can set things up well and truly. How about a deposit, contracts, all that sort of thing?’

‘Oh, we’ll deal with that. I’ll let you know when we want some money.’

‘Well, thanks. Oh, and when I get my travel club up and running, I’m offering a few complimentary memberships. Would you like one?’

‘Yes, please! I think it’s a great idea by the way. Really clever. You should do very well.’

‘Well, I was lucky persuading someone to back me,’ said Scarlett, ‘couldn’t have done it otherwise.’

And she smiled, thinking of her backer, her reluctant, terrified backer, and the tortuous route by which he had arranged for the money to be made available to her. There was an expression about rough justice she seemed to remember; this, she felt, could be better described as smooth.

‘Miss Clark?’

‘Yes, that’s me.’

‘Miss Clark, I have Mrs Munroe on the phone for you. She wants to speak to you.’

‘Oh – yes. Yes, thank you. Do put her through.’

Mrs Munroe. Mrs Munroe, FRCS FRCOG. Mrs Munroe who held life-altering information in her hands: both professional and personal. Mrs Munroe, who had appeared almost incredulous that she had been so reckless. Mrs Munroe, who …

‘Good morning, Eliza. How are you?’

‘Oh, fine, yes. Not sick or anything, if that’s what you mean.’ (She was clinging to how well she felt; everybody was sick when they were pregnant, surely, and she didn’t even feel remotely nauseous.)

‘Good. Well, that’s excellent.’

‘Excellent?’ Clearly it was all right, the toad hadn’t laid any eggs, how fantastic, how …

‘Sickness is such a curse in pregnancy. Although of course it’s very early days for you. It could change.’

Very early days. Oh. Oh, God.

‘So – does that mean …?’

‘Yes, Eliza, it’s positive. I do hope you’ll be happy with that. If you want to talk anything over with me, please do. I’m delighted to help.’

‘Yes. Yes, thank you, Mrs Munroe. I – well, yes, I might want to do that.’

Was that code for something? Did she want to even let her mind glance in that direction? Oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, God
…

‘Matt, can we have a talk please?’

‘Of course. But not right now.’

‘No, of course not now. But – maybe tonight.’

‘Yes, sure. What about?’

‘Well – about – about—’ God, what could she say? Get at least an idea of how he might react? Then, inspiration. ‘About my flat.’

‘What about your flat?’

‘Well – the lease is about to expire and I—’

‘Eliza, talk to Louise, see if she’s got any ideas. She’s got a few residential properties on the side. She knows about leases. Sorry, got to go, Barry Floyd’s here.’

‘Yes. Yes, of course.’

Well, what had she expected? That he would say, ‘oh, don’t renew your lease, move in with me’. Or – ‘let’s get somewhere together’. Not expected that, no. But – maybe – hoped for.

It was a clue at least.

‘Maddy, hi, it’s me.’

‘Eliza! What’s the verdict, tell me quickly.’

‘It’s positive.’

‘Oh, God. Well – I suppose – anyway, what does Matt say?’

‘I haven’t told Matt.’

‘What!’

‘He was rushing into a meeting.’

‘Tell him tonight, then.’

‘Yes. Yes, I will.’

‘Promise!’

‘Yes, I promise. Of course.’

‘Matt—’

‘Yes? God, I’m exhausted. So tired. And starving. Is there anything we can eat? Otherwise, let’s go out.’

‘Um – well – no, there isn’t. But I do want to talk to you.’

‘We can talk in the restaurant. Surely.’

‘Yes, OK.’

‘Meet me in the Soup Kitchen, the one near Harrods, in half an hour, OK?’

‘Yes, OK.’

Over a bowl of vegetable soup, she tried again.

‘Matt, now can we talk?’

‘Oh – yes. All right. What, about this lease of yours?’

‘Yes. And—’

‘I’ve been thinking and—’ (please, please say, ‘and I want you to move in with me … and I think we should get a place together’) ‘—and I think you should just renew the lease on that flat. It’s very good value, and you’re not there much and you’ll waste a lot of time and effort looking for somewhere else …’

‘Oh. Oh, I see.’

‘Ask Louise to check the lease, she’ll know if it’s a good one, OK?’

‘Well – yes.’

‘Good. Now let me tell you about the meeting we had today, Barry Floyd and I, with his builders, really promising …’

She pushed her chair back, and stood up. He stared at her.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I don’t feel too good, that’s what’s wrong. I’m tired as well, very tired. I don’t want this soup, and I don’t want to hear about your meeting, I just want to go home and go to bed.’

‘Well, let me finish mine and we’ll go.’

‘No, Matt, I want to go home to my own bed, OK? In my flat. You just take your time. Enjoy your soup.’

She would have enjoyed it if it hadn’t been so serious. She couldn’t remember when she last stood up to him like that.

‘Eliza, what on earth was that about last night?’

Eliza glared into the phone, heard her voice icy cool.

‘It was about me being sick of you never wanting to talk about what I want to talk about.’

‘But I told you what to do about your flat. We talked about that first.’

‘I know. But – don’t you think there might be something else here?’

‘Like what?’

‘Well – maybe, about us – well, about the – the—’ Her courage was failing her. This was not a conversation she should be having. Well, not initiating.

‘The what, Eliza?’

‘You really can’t think what?’

‘No, I can’t.’

‘Then I think you should just try a bit harder, OK? Call me when you’ve got a suggestion.’

‘Eliza, hello, it’s Matt. Look, I think I know what you’re on about. It’s getting a flat together, isn’t it?’

‘It – could be. Well done, Matt.’

‘Yes, it was Scarlett who made me see it.’

‘Scarlett?’

‘Yes. I talked to her about it, about how you were upset and I didn’t know why and she said maybe it was that.’

‘Oh, I see. You didn’t work that out for yourself.’

‘Well, no. Anyway, I just don’t think it’s a good idea, not yet. Maybe in another few months or so. Thing is, I’m so busy and I haven’t got the time to look at places and I can’t see why it’s not OK how we are. I mean, there isn’t a rush, is there, and we’re still feeling our way really and—’

‘Just fuck off, Matt, will you? I’d hate you to be late for whatever meeting you’re supposed to be in.’

She put down the phone and burst into tears.

‘Mrs Munroe, I – well, I hope I didn’t misunderstand something you said to me.’

‘And what was that?’ Alison Munroe smiled at her; it was a warm, encouraging smile. ‘Try me.’

‘Well, you said if I wanted to talk anything over with you, then you would be happy to help.’

‘Go ahead. I’ll try.’

‘Well – well, you see the thing is—’ God, this was so hard. So, so hard. When she didn’t know what she wanted herself.

‘Yes? What is the thing?’

‘Well – I – oh, dear, sorry—’

Alison Munroe passed her a tissue.

‘That’s quite all right. Pregnancy makes one very emotional. I should know, I’ve had four.’

‘Four children! And – and you went on working?’

‘I did. With great difficulty.’ She smiled again. ‘But, you know, you can do anything if you want it enough.’

‘How – I mean was – was your husband happy about all that?’

‘Oh, yes. As long as it didn’t interfere with his much more important career, I could do what I liked with mine. He’s a barrister,’ she added, with a slightly cooler smile.

‘Yes. Well, that’s very comforting. I suppose you must have had lots of nannies and so on.’

‘Oh, yes. Expensive of course, but I thought it was worth it. I love my job and I’d have been a very poor full-time mother. Now then, what about you, what did you want to talk to me about?’

‘Well, you see, my – my boyfriend – I’m not married as you know. I really think he won’t want this baby – I mean, we’re not even living together properly—’

‘Improperly perhaps?’ She smiled again. ‘Sorry, bad joke.’

‘No, no,’ said Eliza, smiling back. ‘Yes, well, my parents would certainly think so. Anyway, he’s going to be totally horrified, I know he is. And I really think – well I – I—’

‘Want a termination?’

‘Yes!’

There. She had said it. She didn’t, of course. She wanted to have the baby – somehow – and keep working – somehow – but she wanted Matt to want it too, and that most certainly wasn’t going to happen.

‘I see. Well, to start with, you know that is illegal, don’t you?’

‘Yes. Yes, I do. Of course.’

‘Now I happen to belong to the Abortion Law Reform group. I believe that in certain instances – such as rape, risk of health to the mother, either physical or mental, and serious financial hardship, abortion should be legalised. I have had women come to me with a fifth, sixth pregnancy, so desperate they’ll do anything. I’ve been unable to help them and I have to send them away knowing full well they’ll go to some back-street butcher and quite possibly die as a consequence.’

‘Yes. Yes, I see.’

‘So I can’t help you, I’m afraid. And even if the law was changed, I don’t think you would qualify, do you? Not really? I mean, you are young, healthy, well off, you are at least in a relationship, you have a good job, friends, a big family from what I’ve always understood—’

‘Yes, but – but you don’t understand what Matt’s like. He’s – well, he’s very difficult. He just wouldn’t go along with it. And even if I could twist his arm, make him marry me, he’d resent it terribly. It wouldn’t be a good – good start in life for a baby.’

‘Eliza, if you knew how many young women have sat there over the years, saying all this, and then come to see me again, a few weeks later, radiantly happy, you’d be surprised. I’d put it at thousands, certainly hundreds. Now the first thing you have to do is tell your Matt, and yes, I’m quite sure he’ll be very put out. Especially as you’ve been a bit – foolish about contraception. But he’ll come round. Almost certainly. He’ll even, dare I suggest, be quite pleased. Once he’s got over the idea. Men do like to know they’re potent and fertile and all that.’ She didn’t actually say ‘poor things’ but it hung in the air. ‘And do it sooner rather than later, as soon as you can indeed.’

Eliza didn’t say anything; she just sat, looking at her hands.

‘Try to believe me,’ Alison Munroe said, ‘be brave. How about your boss, do you think he’ll be sympathetic?’

‘I absolutely know he won’t,’ said Eliza.

‘Maddy, you don’t know anyone, do you?’

‘Anyone what? Who’s had an abortion? I do, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It sounded hideous. She’s lucky to be alive.’

‘You don’t know anyone who’s had the expensive, nice sort?’

‘I’ll think. Trouble is you can’t ask anyone, can you, there’s just nowhere to go. The quacks know full well they can’t advise you, even if they’re sympathetic like yours. Eliza, please, please won’t you tell Matt? He might be OK about it.’