The Death of Us (16 page)

“Here? Okay, sure. Now, Kurt—” She raises an eyebrow. “You’ve mentioned him a couple of times. Is he interested?”

“Sort of.” I add, “But I’m not. We’re just friends.”

There’s a long pause. In
The Odyssey,
the sailors steer the ship away from the monster Charybdis, who swallows down the waters of the sea. But I can’t steer the ship anymore. I
can’t
go on like this. I pour myself a coffee, add sugar and some cream. As I shut the fridge, I say, “Mom, I know you don’t like it but you have to …” I try again. “See, it might be … there might not
be
a guy for me, if you get what I mean.” She leans against the other side of the counter and puts down the knife.

I continue. “What happened with Ivy in the past, well, I
like
her. Now. I mean. And even though
she’s into guys and nothing’s going to happen with us, no matter what I might think sometimes … in the future, well, I just don’t know that I’m that interested in boys.”

She says, slowly, “You and Ivy … you were too young to be …”

I choke up. “I don’t know if I’m gay or not gay or what, I just don’t know, but pretending like this doesn’t exist is killing me.”

She nods, but doesn’t speak.

“Not that it matters. She’s not interested … like that … in me.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry I’ve been so …” And Mom starts to cry. “I guess it’s been hard for me, when I’ve been busy with Cosmo, to see that you’re growing up.”

“You were so angry with me and Ivy.”

“Because you were young. And because I suppose I just wonder if you want to be
with
Ivy or if you want to
be
her.”

“However you say it, doesn’t change how I feel.”

“I wouldn’t have you any other way.” She comes round the counter and kisses me on the top of my head. “Whatever you choose.”

I’m steering past the churning waters as she says it. The black whirlpool of fear—Charybdis—behind me, if he ever existed. The ocean has opened out, wide, blue and full of possibility.

My phone buzzes. It’s Ivy:
U coming to Xander’s party 2nite?

—I don’t know … first I’ve heard of it!

—wanna ride?

—what car?

—u’ll see.

—I don’t know if I can go yet!

Kurt arrives at four and we sit around in the kitchen, drinking tea. Mom clearly likes that he can talk to parents. Both Tilly and Dahlia always find it hard to hang out with my parents.

Eventually Kurt says, “So, what’s the plan. Are you going to Xander’s?”

Mom turns to me, quizzically.

I say, “I, um, figured the answer would be no, so I didn’t ask.”

Mom holds my gaze. “It might be time for me to
surprise you, honey.” She turns to Kurt. “Are you going?”

He nods. “Xander and I are pretty tight.”

“What’s he like?” Mom asks.

“Xander? Smart. Responsible.”

She laughs. “You’re just saying what I want to hear.”

“Callie can look after me,” he jokes, “if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Mom laughs again. “Well, I guess if Xander’s a good kid, you can go, Callie.”

“Really, Mom?”

“I want you home by midnight.” She adds, “Soon we should go out for lunch, you and me.”

“Sounds good.”

“Right, I’ve got to do some work. You two okay with Cosmo?” Mom passes Cosmo to me, and heads upstairs to her office.

I jiggle Cosmo on my knee. He burbles. I say to Kurt, “Ivy offered me a ride.”

“Mind if we walk?” he says. “I kinda want to steer clear for a bit.”

“I feel bad. She offered.”

“Okay then. We can ride with her. I’m a big boy.”

I let out a long breath.

He says, “What?”

“I’ll have to talk to her. Tell her how I feel.”

“You’re going to, then?”

“I want her to know. But maybe you and I should walk; it’ll be easier to tell her when I see her at the party. In person.”

Kurt plays with Cosmo while I text Ivy to tell her we don’t need a ride.

T
he walls of the hospital waiting room are too close. Ivy’s mom repeats herself to Xander. “They haven’t found Callie, Xander. She never made it to the hospital.”

I speak, my voice unsteady. “Where is she?”

No one answers me.

It’s as if I’m not here.

I say it again, louder. “Where is she?”

Neither of them turns around.

Pain radiates from my chest to my hands. There is a roaring in my head, a whoosh of understanding.

They don’t hear me.

The night of Xander’s party, I’m in my new red car. My hands are on the wheel, leather beneath my fingers. My nails are violent red. The air is warm on my lips. Music makes the whole vehicle vibrate—it’s Isabel singing. I can’t stop listening to her—I keep replaying her songs at home, and now in the car. I tried to pretend to Callie that it was me singing this. Some joke. Isabel’s song creeps through my body with a tingly feeling, like someone’s running a finger up my spine. The car idles, purring beneath me. My mouth is too tight to smile.

Callie texts:
Gonna walk—lovely day. I’ll meet u there. Can’t wait xxx
.

I saw Kurt go into her house around four. I know how this plays out. Her text is pure confirmation. So when Callie and Kurt leave Callie’s house, I’m waiting.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I say to Callie. I can hold this together. There’s light in my heart. They
must
have another explanation. They’ll tell me when they get in the car and everything will be fine, just fine.

Callie says, “No way, nice car!”

Kurt stands there, stiff, awkward. I can see it in his face—he wants Callie. I want
him,
and Callie’s standing there with him like it doesn’t matter at all.

I say, “Kevin bought it for Mommy dearest and me. They’re getting married, you know.”

Callie says, “Cool—” She’s not meeting my eye.

“I posted a photo of it online—I’m not Kansas Pearl anymore, just Ivy Foulds. Everyone will have seen it by now—they’re going to be climbing over themselves to be my friend.”

“It’s really nice.” Callie’s acting like nothing’s wrong. Like it’s
okay
that she’s stolen Kurt from me.
No, stay calm, Ivy, stay focused.

“Come on, get in, it’s brand new. It even smells new, it’s, like, delicious. We can drive as far as we like, no one would even notice, and get out of this craphole. Or we can just go over to Xander’s party.”

Callie says, “Mom wants me back by midnight.”

“Like Cinderella,” I say.

She smiles, looking pained.

Kurt’s staring at me like I’m a snowstorm about to turn into a blizzard. But at the same time, he wants to please Callie. Puppy dog. All men are puppies.

I say, “Let’s go.”

Kurt says, “Let’s go.”

Both of them get into the car.

Kurt, like a gentleman, sits in the back seat and I climb into the front. I’m close enough to smell Ivy’s perfume. Her hand almost brushes my thigh as she puts the car into reverse to back out of the space. She shifts to drive, her hand moves away and my mouth goes dry with longing.

Ivy drives toward Xander’s house, which is on the other side of the river. She’s quiet, as if she’s looking for words. Then she says, “Callie, Kurt was my boyfriend. I need some sort of explanation—”

Oh, wow. I scramble to say, “We’re just
friends,
Ivy. Kurt and I have been friends for ages.”

“Isabel said the same thing. At first.”

“Callie and I
are
just friends,” says Kurt. “She’s not interested.”

“But you are.”

“God, this is all ridiculous.” I force a smile. “What tangled webs we weave.”

Ivy says, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“This isn’t the time.”

“You’d better tell me, Callie.”

“It’s nothing to do with Kurt. Look, can we just talk about this later?”

“Tell me now.”

My cheeks grow hot. “No. Not now.”

“So there’s no explanation for Kurt being at your house?”

I say in a rush, “I like
you,
Ivy.”

She says through clenched teeth, “If you like me, why didn’t you want to kiss me? You turned me down.”

“You were
high
,” I say. “It wasn’t the right moment. I was scared. And I didn’t want it to be like that. It was never like that before—it meant something. At least it did to me.”

“Don’t lie to me! I know what you and Kurt have been doing.”

“Ivy, calm down. This is a stupid misunderstanding.”

“I understand all right.”

“Stop yelling at me.”

Ivy spits out, “I stole Isabel’s motorbike. She was at the party with Diego—she was never on the bike with me. I drove it as fast as I could. I came off the road and hit a wall. Boom … On purpose.”

“What do you mean ‘on purpose’?” I’m sweating.

“That was how I tried to kill myself. Remember?”

Kurt says, “You tried to kill yourself?”

“I
wish
Isabel had been with me on the bike. Bitch. Then she wouldn’t have ended up with Diego.”

“How can you say that?”

“She deserved to die.” She glances at me. Her eyes are glazed. “I don’t believe you about Kurt. I’m not a fucking idiot.”

“I never said you were an idiot. I think
I’m
the idiot.”

“What does that mean?”

“I was starting to think I was in love with you, but maybe I don’t even
know
you.”

Ivy’s words slur. “I’m just like my mom.”

“Oh my God, Ivy. You’re drunk. Stop the car!”

“I’m beautiful. I’m worthy. I’m full of light.”

She steers onto the bridge.

Kurt yells, “Ivy, stop the car!”

She speeds up and turns to me in her seat, lifting her hands. She looks me full in the face and says, “
You
did this.”

I grab for the wheel. She fights me off. Kurt undoes his seat belt and, from the back, tries to reach the wheel too.

The bridge. The construction. That sign: WAIT HERE—

The car slams into the damaged barrier and flies through the air as my left shoulder rips from the socket and Kurt’s full weight smashes over me into the front windshield.
He undid his seat belt
… Then he crushes me against the airbag, which in turn crushes me from the front.

I can’t hear anything, but I sense the car falling. The weight of Kurt shifts and now I can see. The sun is low in the sky, scorching the undersides of the clouds, tangling Ivy’s hair in light, and we are plummeting, heavy as tombstones, heavy as last words.

We hit the water hard. Pain and sound and terror fill me, but I’m alive. The car sinks and cold, cold water pours in the windows, and in Ivy’s door—which has flung open on impact.

The airbag presses on me and I struggle to undo my belt. I shove Kurt, and then try to pull him loose, free him.

Where’s Ivy? There’s no time to look.

We are mermaids, slippery, watery, drowning.

I have to save Kurt. I tug at him. It cannot end like this. Water is up to my collarbone. My throat. I fill my lungs with air, plunge under and turn Kurt so his face is toward mine.

And now I remember.

Being in the car. Back seat. Ivy talking batshit crazy. The car hitting the barrier. Callie screaming. Flip. Smash.

I think of the way no one has spoken directly to me; even at the party I was ignored. I think of the way Mrs. Foulds stared at me blankly. I think of
the second cup of coffee, the one I thought Xander brought for me in the waiting room. I think of the remote that I couldn’t work.

Xander and Mrs. Foulds are still talking but the lights flicker. Strobe effect. Can’t they see it? I stagger away from them, like a drunk.

Dead.
That word. It plays over and over in my mind. A dull word, punctuated at both ends.

I’m dead.

The lights go off.

Things I remember, falling through my mind like leaves through the sunlight.

My mother typing at her desk, the tap of the keys.