The Death of Lila Jane (11 page)

August 8, 2015
  

Normally, spending some time alone in New Orleans would have been a dream, but knowing Lila was back in our room mad at me was driving me crazy. I shouldn’t have cared what she thought and the fact that she was so offended I was even in the same room where she would shower pissed me off.

I’d tried to be her friend and open up to her but it was glaringly obvious I would never be good enough. I was just glad we were interrupted earlier before I kissed her in the middle of the road and humiliated myself.

She wasn’t even my type. She wasn’t anyone’s type who wasn’t a figment of some fictional character’s imagination.

I drank my lukewarm beer from my plastic cup before lighting a cigarette and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

I’d been gone for hours and it was growing increasingly impossible to keep my eyes open as the night gave way to early morning. My legs felt like they were going to give out from my own weight, or maybe it was the weight of my problems I carried on my shoulders.

Before I knew it, I was staring at the old hotel, my car, black and shiny, standing out like a sore thumb in front of the gray exterior. I could have slept in it tonight, had I thought to take my keys with me when I stormed out of the room.

The curtain to room 226 moved and I realized Lila had spotted me.

“Fuck,” I muttered, flicking my cigarette to the ground as I stalked toward our door. It opened before I could even insert my key and Lila looked like she definitely didn’t use the time to calm down.

“Where have you been?”

I walked by her and fell backward onto the bed with a grunt. “Out.”

“I’ve been worried sick.” Slamming the door, Lila was standing between me and the television.

“You wanted privacy, I gave you privacy. What’s the problem?”

Her eyes narrowed but she seemed to be struggling with a valid argument. I’d given her what she’d wanted. She didn’t have a right to be mad. If anyone did, it was me. I had spent my hard earned money on this shithole.

My eyes scanned her jean shorts and fitted shirt. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” She asked as she looked down over herself.

“Nothing but it looks uncomfortable to sleep in.”

“I forgot to bring pajamas,” she confessed with a sheepish grin.

I rolled my eyes, sitting up and tugging my t-shirt over my head. “Here.”

“Your shirt? You’re going to run out of clothes if you keep lending them to me.”

I nodded as I stood up and unbuttoned my jeans, kicking them off to the ground. At least one of us had prepared for the trip. Lila packed as if she was going on a weekend vacation.

Lila disappeared into the bathroom, returning moments later with her clothing neatly folded in her hand. But all I could focus on was her thin legs that looked a mile long under my shirt that looked ten sizes too big. She tucked her hair behind her ear as her teeth dug into her bottom lip.

I was suddenly all too aware of why Lila shouldn’t be in the same room with me. Sleeping next to her was going to be more difficult than I thought.

“I look ridiculous,” she giggled as she walked toward the bed, lifting the covers to slide in beside me.

“You look cute.” She beamed at my words and I wondered how often Lila was told that, if ever. She had washed all of her makeup off and wearing only my shirt and her smile, she was the most beautiful I’d ever seen her.

Pulling the covers up to her chest, she laid on her back staring up at the ceiling that was plastered on large swirling circles.

We both fell silent and I struggled to think of something to say to make the situation less awkward.

“So, you play the guitar?” She asked.

“A little,” I confessed.

“I’d like to hear you play something sometime.”

“Perhaps.” I’d never really played in front of anyone but Taylor.

Rolling onto her side to face me, Lila propped her head up on her hand with a playful smile on her lips. “Perhaps? What is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t really like to play in front of people.”

“You’re scared. Wow. I didn’t think you were scared of anything,” she laughed softly as her long hair swayed against my arm lightly.

“Of course, I’m scared of things. I just don’t let that stop me from doing what I want to do.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“What scares you?” she challenged and I turned my face to look at her. She was only a few inches above me and I felt that familiar pull I had felt earlier on the street. But I still felt like Lila wasn’t touchable. Like she was too good for someone like me. I knew it was crazy as we laid side by side in this bed, but I couldn’t ignore my insecurities.

“You,” I confessed quietly as her lips parted and she sucked in a ragged breath.

“Why do I scare you?” her voice was barely a whisper but her words weighed heavily on me.
Do I tell her that I’ve been thinking about kissing her all day? Do I tell her that she would be stupid to let me?

I pushed myself up onto my own elbow so we were eye to eye. “You don’t have any idea how beautiful you are and I’m kind of glad you don’t because I think if you did, you would know that you could crush me, without even trying.”

Her eyes widened fractionally as she searched my expression for truth, but she didn’t have anything to worry about because I’d never been more honest.

“I… I wouldn’t do that.”

“That’s because you don’t believe it’s true.” I reached out cautiously, sliding my fingers into her hair as I slowly pulled her face closer to mine. Her eyes fluttered closed just as our lips touched. I held her mouth against mine, savoring this moment because I knew I’d probably never be so lucky again. I was playing with fire, running my fingers through a wild, dancing flame and hoping I could revel in its warmth before she burned me.

When we finally broke apart, my forehead rested against hers and I kept my eyes closed, steadying my breathing. I had to force myself not to kiss her again because I knew that was something she’d never done and she wasn’t ready. Or maybe I wasn’t ready for that either because, with her, it felt like more than teenagers fooling around. We had more at stake than the average pair.

We’d immediately started our friendship out with a level of trust most people never found in another. No laws, no rules bound us. We were completely free and it was terrifyingly exhilarating.

I didn’t want to screw that up with her and I was still afraid that if I got too close to someone, I’d lose them like I had before. But part of me already knew that there was no way this could last. She would need to go back home and I would probably never see her again. I tried not to think of the parallels between her leaving and losing Taylor but it was impossible to ignore. That was what really scared me but I wasn’t brave enough to admit that to her.

“We should get some sleep,” I whispered but it sounded deafening in the quiet space. Reluctantly, I freed my fingers from her hair and waited for her to lay her head back on her pillow before I did the same. She turned, facing away from me and I placed my arm over her waist so I knew she wasn’t going to vanish when I closed my eyes. Her body stiffened but soon relaxed as her breathing evened out and I knew she’d finally fallen asleep. She must have been exhausted, staying awake only to make sure I returned to the room and nothing had happened to me. I wasn’t used to someone caring.

I had been so good at pushing everyone away, I never noticed when Lila snuck through the cracks.

As I drifted off into another restless night, my mind was fraught with the uncertainties of my future, instead of all of the tragedies that plagued my past.

***

August 8, 2015
  

Lila’s faced was twisted in anger and I was pleading with her to stay. My gaze was locked on her face like tunnel vision, but when the scene expanded, the guy from the party, Silas, was now at her side with his arm locked around her waist.

“Why would I want to stay here with a loser like you when I can do so much better?” Her words didn’t seem to be her own, but a direct reflection of my own insecurities.

“Lila, I don’t want to be alone,” I begged, feeling my heart seizing in my chest. I clutched at my shirt, clawing at the fabric as I began to suffocate under the pain.

“You’re always going to be alone. Taylor’s heart was so big to make up for you lacking your own.”

“What?” I couldn’t believe she’d be so callous but when my eyes fell the scraps of fabric between my fingers, I could now feel the dampness of my own blood that was trickling from the cavernous hole in my chest where my heart should have been.

I dropped to my knees and Taylor’s father was by my side now.

“She’s gone, Kaden.” 

I looked up at his sad eyes before searching for Lila, who had vanished, leaving me to die alone.

***

August 8, 2015
  

My eyes shot open and my hand frantically searched the other side of the bed for Lila, coming up empty.

“Sorry I woke you,” her voice called out from across the room and I finally inhaled as she turned off the bathroom light and slid back into the bed.

“It’s fine,” I whispered as I slid my arm over her, this time pulling her back against my chest as my eyes fell closed. I never thought I’d be so relieved to not be alone, no matter how selfish that was of me. Letting go of Lila was going to be harder than I thought. But as many times as I screwed up in my life, I couldn’t make her another one of my mistakes.

My arm cinched tighter around her middle and she sighed but didn’t pull away. I laid beside her, my eyes closed, lost in the sound of her steady breathing, using it to calm my own.

August 15, 2015
  

It had been a week since Kaden had kissed me and ever since that night, he’d been acting strangely. At first, I thought he’d regretted doing it but even with this odd sadness looming in the air, he still held my hand when we ventured out and made sure I always had what I needed.

I wasn’t sure if he was just becoming increasingly worried about what we would do when our money ran out or if it was something heavier weighing on him.

At night, I’d wake up at odd hours to the sound of a pen scratching across the paper in his notebook furiously. I jokingly asked if he was sending my father a ransom note, and he left saying he needed to get some air, not coming back until the sun rose again.

After three days of him wandering the streets at night, I got up the courage to follow him, making sure to keep my distance because I’d already received my fill of lectures about how unsafe it was for me to go out alone, especially at night. He was beginning to sound more and more like my parents and I could feel myself building up a wall between us.

I thought for sure I’d find Kaden sitting at a bar or flirting with some random tourists in the Quarter, but what I discovered hurt much worse. Kaden was standing along the road, his guitar in hand as he sang the most heartbreakingly beautiful song about the pain he’d experienced.

I was frozen in place, unable to walk away even though he’d made it clear that this was something personal to him. But as I watched the other people gather around him, dropping bills and coins into a hat, I felt betrayed.

Why was it okay for him to share this with people he didn’t know but he refused to open up to me?

I watched, wide-eyed, as he thanked a beautiful young blonde for her tip and winked at her, his smile growing as she touched his arm and deepening the dimples in both his cheeks. I hadn’t even been able to make him smile that widely.

My stomach twisted and before I could run back to our room, his head lifted and he noticed me, his smile fading. I didn’t know what to say or to do so I just shook my head and disappeared through the people, walking as fast as I could back to the hotel.

I could hear him calling out my name but his voice grew more distant until it faded altogether and I knew he wasn’t chasing after me.

When I reached our room, I began to shove all of my belongings into my bag, hoping I still had enough cash left to possibly get me a bus ticket home.

As my eyes did one final scan of the room, the door opened and Kaden stepped inside, his guitar still in his hand.

“Can we talk?”

“Nope,” I seethed as I slung my bag over my shoulder. “Go talk to your new friends out there.” I walked toward him and he grabbed my arm, my body stiffening but I didn’t pull away.

“Lila, come on. Don’t be like this.”

“Like what? You want to tell me how to
be
now? I already have a dad, Kaden. I don’t need you acting like him.”

“I’m not trying to act like your father. I just want to keep you safe.”

“Why do you even care? You feel obligated to babysit me now? Well, job well done. Now I’m going to go find somewhere else to go.”

“Why are you so pissed off at me?” His voice rose in frustration which only compounded my anger. He didn’t get to be mad. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Why did you make such a big deal about not wanting to play your songs for me but you went out and played them for everyone else?”

“Because they’re strangers, Lila. I don’t care what they think.”

“But you care what I think?”

“Of course, I do.”

I hadn’t expected that answer and it deflated my rage but I still wasn’t ready to forgive him. “What? You think I’d judge you for singing about losing Taylor? You believe I'm that heartless?”

He was clenching his jaw now as if trying to bite back what was on his mind.

“You know what? Forget about it. I don’t know why I even cared.” I yanked my arm free from his grip and grabbed the door handle, desperate to escape the claustrophobic space. As I pulled it open and a woosh of night air blew in, he finally spoke.

“It was about
you
.”

I turned around, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “What?”

“The song wasn’t about losing Taylor. It was about losing you.”

“Why…” I let the door fall closed behind me. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here with you.”

He shook his head, looking to the floor. “Not yet.”

“Kaden, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Really? Because that packed bag on your back says otherwise.”

I let the bag fall to my feet, hating that he was right. Things got bad and I was ready to run back home. “I’m sorry.”

“Don't apologize. You shouldn’t be here. I should have sent you home a long time ago.”

“Then why didn’t you?” My eyes narrowed as my anger began to resurface.

“I’m selfish. I don’t want you to leave.”

I swallowed hard, not wanting to read too much into his words but it felt good to hear that he wanted me with him.

“Are you still going to go?” he asked as he sank down on the edge of the bed, pulling the guitar strap over his head and propping it on the floor against the bed.

“Play me the song.”

“Lila,” he protested but I shook my head.

“It’s about me. It’s my song. Play it for me.”

He inhaled deeply before he picked up his guitar, clearing his throat as he placed it on his lap.

I could tell he was debating internally about showing this part of himself but I wanted to hear what he was willing to say to the rest of the world.

His eyes fell closed and his fingers strummed the strings. I watched him, mesmerized as his face contorted into a look of regret as the words began to leave his lips.

“She doesn’t think I see her, but I’m the one who needs her… to hold my hand and… make me a better man. Dressed up in strings of pearls, she’ll never be my girl. One day I hope she sees,” his eyes opened, finding mine as he continued. “That she’s too good for me.”

That last line sent a chill snaking down my spine and I wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around his neck and tell him he was wrong. But I stood frozen, lost in the deep, gravelly sound of his voice.

“I’m too weak to say goodbye, as she spreads her wings and learns to fly. I’ll smile through the pain and never regret the death of Lila Jane.”

Stepping in front of him I placed my finger on his lips to stop him from singing. He sat the guitar on the bed beside him and slowly stood, his body so close I could feel the heat radiating off him and I wondered if he could hear my heart hammering in my chest. Looping his arms around my waist, he pulled me tight against him before his mouth was on mine. I let my hands fall to his chest, melting in his arms as his lips parted.

My knees felt like they might give out from under me but his strong arms held me firmly in place, his tongue coaxing my own lips to open. I followed his lead, for once, not worried that I might be doing something wrong because it all felt so natural, so right.

I slid my hands up his chest and along the sides of his neck where I could feel his pulse steadily thumping under my fingertips.

I felt alive. I had felt like nothing else before this moment mattered. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins, emboldening me as my hands continued upward into his hair, pulling his face closer to mine.

He let out a tiny groan as he pulled back from me, leaving me breathless and confused.

“I didn’t mean for that to happen,” he whispered and just like that, my mood deflated. I wanted to scream.

“You have a habit of doing things you regret.” I let my hands fall to my sides wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

“I didn’t say I regretted it, I just shouldn’t have done it.”

“Why?” The word came out as a whine.

“You know I’m not the one who should be kissing you.”

“What?” His words had me so confused I thought maybe I’d misheard him.

“Come on. That guy who hit me at the party. It’s pretty obvious he’s in love with you.”

“What?” This time, I yelled it, struggling to stifle a nervous laugh. “Silas does
not
love me. He loves science.”

“I don’t think you have the first clue how anyone feels about you.” Now he was the one laughing and there was an edge to his voice.

“Yeah, well. He isn’t the one who I was just kissing, so it doesn’t matter how he feels.”

“It doesn’t matter how he feels?” He challenged. “The guy cared enough about you to punch me in the face, and his feelings mean nothing. Okay.” He shook his head, running his hand through his hair causing it to stick up haphazardly.

“Why are we even talking about him right now?”

“Because he’s the good guy, Lila. He is the one who defends your honor, not the guy who starts fights and puts you in danger.”

“So… what? You’re jealous of him?”

“Jealous?” He made a face and I suddenly regretted my words. A guy like Kaden wasn’t jealous of other guys because he could get anyone he wanted. Which made me feel even more stupid to think he wanted me. “No, I’m not jealous. I’m just not stupid.”

“I never thought you were.”

He walked away from me, pacing the floor like something had been eating him up inside and now it was clawing its way out. The truth wasn’t always easy, to speak or receive.

“I’m the guy girls like to have fun with, not the guy they stay with. I’m not the
boyfriend
. And I have no interest in warming you up so he can take the test drive.”

I didn’t even think about it. My hand acted on its own accord as it connected with his cheek. I regretted it the second my palm stung from connecting with his flesh. His hand went to his cheek and he smirked before nodding as if I’d just proved him right about not caring about him.

“I am not your stupid car, Kaden. I am a
person
and I have
feelings
.” Tears formed in my eyes and my voice shook but anger was driving me forward and I wasn’t going to stop until I got to say what I needed to say. “I’m not like you. I don’t run around kissing all sorts of people. I gave you no reason to think that I was using you.”

“Maybe
I’m
using
you
,” he countered. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go
run around
and kiss some more people.”

If he hadn’t stormed out of the door, I would have slapped him again.

It felt like my skin was crawling and I was desperate for something to calm me down. Grabbing an old half-drunken bottle of liquor, I tipped it to my mouth and swallowed back the liquid fire.

I gagged and sputtered, nearly dry heaving as I tried to keep the alcohol down. It wasn’t like the sugary sweet drinks I’d grown fond of. I wondered how Kaden drank it like it was water, not even grimacing from the harsh taste.

I soon learned that after you have enough swigs, it begins to go down much easier and I no longer cared where Kaden had gone.

In fact, going out and kissing a few strangers sounded like fun.

Sliding my feet into my sandals and nearly falling over as my toe got caught on the strap, I cursed out loud before pulling open the door to our room and stumbling outside.

My body felt like it was weightless but my legs didn’t seem to want to listen to my brain and I groaned as my body bounced against a pole that held up the balcony above.

“Motherfucker,” I groaned at the pole as I made my way toward the French Quarter. “Laissez les bons temps rouler!”