The Day I Shot Cupid (11 page)

O
h, the days of steamy novels, daydreams,
and endless satisfaction with our dream man…Remember when a rabbit was a cute, fluffy animal that taught you responsibility? Not anymore. Samantha on
Sex and the City
proved that a good vibrator is as important as a toothbrush. The rabbit is an extremely well-sold vibrator that the modern woman packs before her undergarments. Our dream man is even threatened by the relationship between a gal and her AA Energizers. But here’s the thing—sometimes a girl wants a quick “wham bam thank you ma’am” without all the perfume and
fanfare, just like men and a
Playboy
centerfold. If she’s single, it can keep her slutless and disease-free. If she’s partnered, it can be used as a spice-up tool for even the most perfect relationships. And other times, it’s just a way to express your naughty self without feeling like you need someone else for everything. Remember, it knows exactly what you need, doesn’t talk back, shuts off when you say so, doesn’t want anything in return, and can’t kiss and tell. For those who are modest, name that little sucker and from now on tell people you are having a hot night with “Brad.” Then go home, grab a glass of cabernet, and turn him on…wink, wink.

• 1.
  Always buy a new top or dress (it will make you feel like a million bucks).
  
• 2.
  Spray tan is a must.
  
• 3.
  Vagazzle it! (Not for him, for you!)
  
• 4.
  Eat a little snack so you don’t eat like a Discovery Channel animal.
  
• 5.
  Listen to great music as you get ready. (Go, Beyoncé!)
  
• 6.
  Get a professional blowout (so you can do the slo-mo hair flip!).
  
• 7.
  Always get a mani-pedi. (Trust me, men love this!)
  
• 8.
  When you do last looks in the mirror, always check the back, too.
  
• 9.
  Remember, cleavage isn’t cheap, it’s gorgeous. (Show it off!)
  
• 10.
  Have a long conversation with yourself (this is not a marriage, it’s a first date!).
  

• 1.
  Don’t watch romantic comedies (it won’t be that amazing).
  
• 2.
  Don’t try to check his criminal record online (wait ’til date number four).
  
• 3.
  Don’t go slutty (guys do like girls with class).
  
• 4.
  Don’t get tipsy to calm nerves.
  
• 5.
  Don’t write “Mrs. ______________” over and over on a piece of paper.
  
• 6.
  Don’t ask other girls (except your BFFs) how you look. (Sorry, but they will lie.)
  
• 7.
  Don’t take a diuretic; you will pee all night long.
  
• 8.
  Don’t call six times to confirm. Only once. (That’s just you afraid of getting stood up!)
  
• 9.
  Don’t get on the scale; there isn’t enough time to change it.
  
• 10.
  Don’t worry if he’s fifteen minutes late.
  

• 1.
  You’re hilarious.
  
• 2.
  You have beautiful eyes.
  
• 3.
  Let’s do this again sometime.
  
• 4.
  Order what you want, dinner is on me.
  
• 5.
  Your friends didn’t do you justice in the beauty department.
  

• 1.
  I can see us spending the rest of our lives together.
  
• 2.
  You looked thinner in your photo.
  
• 3.
  I love the way you chew.
  
• 4.
  My last boyfriend…
  
• 5.
  I’m not so good at relationships.
  

This information was not fun to learn, but once you know these things, it all gets easier to deal with.

• 1.
  Men will always look. (It’s animalistic; they have to check out girls.)
  
• 2.
  They don’t always want to know what we are feeling. (They do tune us out.)
  
• 3.
  Men don’t love to spoon or cuddle. (They’ll do it, but they don’t like it.)
  
• 4.
  They don’t have a type of woman. (Guys who say, “Oh, she’s not my type…” are liars. A man’s type is a woman who is willing.)
  
• 5.
  They have to succeed in business and have to be supported in their dreams. (Encourage him to become who he wants to be. He will love you for it.)
  
• 6.
  Men don’t always want undying adoration. (It puts pressure on them to keep up with the compliments.)
  
• 7.
  They will never give us exactly what we need in love (but a good one will try).
  
• 8.
  They will never understand our relationships with our moms (two women, too scary).
  
• 9.
  They can’t read our minds. (We want them to, but they can’t.)
  
• 10.
  Men don’t believe in romance. (It’s not in their nature. They will learn it for you, but it’s not something they believe in.)
  

• How to pick a diamond.
  
• How to make breakfast.
  
• How to pick a great bottle of wine.
  
• How to talk to our grandmothers.
  
• How to win over our moms.
  
• How to read a map.
  
• At least three ways to save a life.
  

• To always have a coat for you.
  
• How to ask for directions.
  
• How to be okay with needing a woman.
  
• When to listen.
  
• When to just shut up and kiss you.
  

• When not to be emotional.
  
• How to choose her battles.
  
• How to cook at least ten different meals.
  
• How to throw a dinner party.
  
• When to break out the sexy lingerie.
  
• When to just listen.
  
• When to not be the good girl.
  
• When to just let him zone out on video games, his computer, or phone.
  
• How to pick up the bill without asking (it’s okay, it’s 2010).
  
• How to trust him.
  
• When to let him control the day or situation.
  
• When to just shut up and kiss him.
  

A
group of professional people posed
this question to a group of four- to eight-year-olds: “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

• 1.
  I collect miniature old books.
  
• 2.
  I love office supplies (they get me all hot and bothered).
  
• 3.
  I secretly want to be BFF with LC (Lauren Conrad).
  
• 4.
  I’m really bad with computers.
  
• 5.
  I like margaritas with a splash of Sprite.
  
• 6.
  I love boxing (just to watch).
  
• 7.
  I love to clean my house.
  
• 8.
  I’m crazy about classic cars.
  
• 9.
  I read my horoscope every day.
  
• 10.
  Journey is my favorite rock band. (Met Steve Perry—almost passed out!)
  
• 11.
  My favorite holiday is Christmas.
  
• 12.
  I love to have game nights with my friends.
  
• 13.
  Cooking is my favorite thing to do (I make great cupcakes)!
  
• 14.
  I love to sleep in boys’ underwear (not just any boy’s).
  
• 15.
  I’m obsessed with using Purell hand sanitizer.
  
• 16.
  My mom and I actually do a “Happy Dance” when there is good news.
  
• 17.
  I have to wear a funny “B-day Hat” every year on my birthday.
  
• 18.
  I really want to have children one day.
  
• 19.
  My feelings do get hurt when they say mean things about me or people I care about in the press.
  
• 20.
  I’m afraid of big birds (not the yellow
  Sesame Street
  kind).
  
• 21.
  Sour candies are my weakness.
  
• 22.
  I’m afraid of horror movies (I know I’ve been in some, but I still get scared).
  
• 23.
  I love to make scrapbooks (just call me Martha).
  
• 24.
  I love monkeys.
  
• 25.
  I’m scared to speak in public.
  

You should make up your own list. It’s a fun exercise!

I
t’s only fitting that I end this book
where I started. I am back in Cabo four years later, with a lot of water and romance under the bridge. So let’s recap. I came here the first time with a broken heart, my girlfriends, and an idea for this book. Since then, I’ve dated a little, had a boyfriend, gotten engaged, had a fiancé, planned a wedding, had to say good-bye and ended up not getting married, am still storing a wedding dress in my closet (ouch!), grieved, turned thirty, laughed, cried, and finally finished this book! Where am I now? Really happy! A happiness that feels real and long-lasting, a new set of the
most amazing girlfriends, lots of memories, and, what do you know, a new boyfriend! I’ve learned a lot about relationships, love, and myself. I hope you, too, will find happiness and joy. What’s next for me in this slightly wounded, yet hopeful heart? I don’t know, neither do you, and that is what’s truly beautiful.

—JLH