The Daughter in Law (5 page)

All through
dinner it was eating away at him. I was pretty pissed off too; I want my nana’s
ring. That shit had been in my family for about two hundred years. There were stories
of bravery and true love attached to that piece of metal. I’d shared those
stories with Hagar the Horrible, that’s how I knew she was the one to take it.
He thinks I’m
gonna
let that shit slide. What he
doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

 
“Baby you’re off tomorrow why don’t we do
something this weekend?”

“Yeah? What did you have in mind beautiful?”

“I don’t know, we haven’t been
to your secret place in a while. I think it would be good to get away for a
minute, clear our heads.”

“That sounds
perfect baby.” This little impromptu trip had two purposes. Yes I wanted to get
away with my hubby because this baby news was killing me to keep quiet, and I
could think of no better place to tell him than in his favorite hideaway. And
two, if the festering boil should call she’d see that we were out of range. I
know from experience that nothing drives her up the wall faster than not
knowing where we are every second of every day.

The next
morning early the locksmith came out and then we were on our way. I had
everything planned out starting with the test I had hidden away in my bag. The
hagster
wasn’t even a blip on my radar and I made sure my
honey didn’t give her a moment’s thought. “Vanessa I’m gonna crash.”

“No you won’t just concentrate on
your driving let me do the rest.”

We were on a long stretch of
deserted backcountry road, best place to give my guy a tongue bath. I teased
the shit out of him, bringing him to the brink and then squeezing him off.

The third time
I did that I felt the change under the wheels. We were off road and I was
pretty sure we had another half an hour at least to our destination. I soon
found out soon enough when he slammed on the brakes and dragged me out of the
car after extricating his dick from my tonsils.

“Shit
Dami
wait…”

“Uh-uh no waiting.” He pulled
my jeans down to my knees and kicked my legs apart. I got a cursory rub of the
cockhead up and down my slit before he was slamming into me. I was on my toes
by the second thrust and my face was pressed into the hood of his car. I’ll
think about germs and shit like that later, right now all my concentration was
on his monster cock that was trying to split me in two.

 
“Fuck your pussy’s so tight.” I cocked my
ass back a little higher so the dick could reach its target; that only made him
fuck me harder. I think I scratched the paint when he jetted hot sperm inside
me but that was his own damn fault. We hopped back in the car and I was a good
girl the rest of the ride.

I
was
all kinds of nervous and excited
.
I don’t think we’d ever had any real serious talks about kids and we were only
married for two years; but he wasn’t getting any younger and neither was I. I
was twenty-seven to his thirty-three, perfect age to start a family if you ask
me. Hopefully we’d have the problem of his demon-possessed incubator taken care
of before long, and she won’t spoil this for me.

As soon as we
got to the cabin in the Appalachia I headed for the bathroom under the pretense
of having to pee really bad. Which was true since I’d been holding it in for
freaking ever. He of course was ready to hit the trail. I was a nervous bunny
as I waited the few minutes it took for the stick to change color. When the
window at the edge of that little stick turned pink I started to cry. It was
one thing to guess but something else entirely to have proof.

I walked back out into the room
where he sat waiting.

“What is it baby, what happened?”

I had tears rolling down my cheeks so of course he thought
there was something wrong.

“Sit down baby.” He looked like
he wanted to argue but he sat with his eyes on mine. He looked so worried, how
had I ever doubted this man? Okay Nessa don’t get carried away, you doubted
because he was being an ass-hat. But that was then this is now.

I pulled the stick from behind my
back and held it out to him.

He took it with a worried look on his face until he caught
on.

“Are you, are we, you’re. Are you sure?” His voice had gone
whisper soft; it was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard.

I nodded my head yes and he
stood and grabbed me up in his arms twirling me around. We were laughing and
crying together and I was so happy that I hadn’t waited.

Of course I
had no idea until now that my husband was a lunatic, not bat-shit cray-cray
like the hagfish, but he had something going on. It started like this. When we
left our hometown to come up to his secret place the intent was to walk the
trail, do some hiking, maybe fuck like rabbits down by the cute little spring
he’d shown me the first time he brought me up here. Mind you it was just a few
short hours ago when this had been on the agenda.

 
Fast-forward to groundbreaking news ‘baby
onboard’ and this captain in the American army, a man mind you with a stellar
education as well. Just totally lost his shit. Apparently pregnant women lose
the ability to walk. ‘You’re not walking the trail babe it’s too steep in some
places: you sure you’re supposed to be wearing those jeans, aren’t those too
tight? Babe maybe I should run down to the little market (it’s about another
hour away) and get you some more fresh fruit and stuff because I don’t think we
brought enough.’ This was part of the diatribe that I heard while I was
relegated to the big stuffed chair in the corner and told to stay off my feet.

“I’m moving in with the other crazy
one when we get back.” That stopped him in his tracks; from what I could tell
he was looking around the cabin in search of hazards from which to protect the
pregnant lady.

“Who, what?”

“Your twisted chromosome of an incubator, I think I’ll move
in with her. At least I know her brand of crazy, yours is freaking me out.” He
got a hurt look on his face that lasted all of two seconds.

“Cute, but here’s the deal. You, get to carry him or her, I
have no control over what goes on inside there even though he or she is mine.
So whatever I have to do from out here to ensure their safety will be done and
you will follow orders.”

This fool is having an out of body
or some shit. I sat there for literally forty-five minutes while he went down a
list of my new dos and don’ts. It was only half way through that I realized he
was scared shitless. How did I figure this out?
he
knelt down in front of me and with the sweetest look on his face, placed his
big hand over my tummy and said, ‘I don’t want anything to happen to either of
you, you’re my whole world’. Of course I started crying and he started worrying
about why I was crying.

Needless to say the weekend did not
turn out the way I expected it to; it was better. After he got over
his…whatever the hell that was that he’d gone through, I’d got him to calm down
just a little. There was no real service up here so I didn’t have the Google
monster to help me teach him some of what he needed to know. But when I
reminded him that women had been carrying and birthing babies for a few
thousand years now no problem, he seemed to snap out of it. A little.

The sex was phenomenal. Of course
the crazy man thought he had to take it slow, so that’s how the forty or so encounters
we had that weekend started out. But just as he started getting into the groove
of things, I’d whisper something about his big cock breeding me in his ear, and
his dick would take over. Best freaking sex in the world
;
I got the tender, sweet, ‘if I touch you too hard you might break’ loving,
along with the jack hammering that my coochie craved. Win-win.

Now we’re back home. Nothing looked
disturbed this time thank fuck. I guess the crackpot found another outlet for
her psychosis. I found out what that was when I hit the replay button on the
voicemail. “Oh shit on a stick.” Who the fuck leaves someone over fifty
messages in one weekend? I didn’t even know these things could hold that many
messages.

“Babe turn that off, we’re not doing that shit today.”

“But there could be an emergency.” My ass, I just want to
listen to her level of insanity as the calls go by.

“Tough, let’s go, you need to relax after that long drive.”

“Hey, do you
plan on treating me like I’ve somehow lost all my faculties this whole
pregnancy? Because you know pregnant does not mean invalid. It means I am woman
hear me roar, because obviously pansy ass men couldn’t do the job so us girls
had to get ‘
er
done. So please stop with your brain
fart ideas.”

“What’s that you’re eating? Give me
that.” He snatched my candy bar and walked into the kitchen for a banana. “Here
have this, it’s better for you.” I’m
gonna
kill that
Siri
bitch. All the way home I had to listen to her smarmy
ass as he asked her dumb-fuck questions about what was best for me. This had to
stop; I knew I should’ve checked that cray-cray gene.

I finally
snuck away and called mom while in the bathroom taking a bath in the lukewarm
water that was all I was allowed by Hitler. I was wondering when he would show
up seeing as how
momsie
is Mengele personified, can’t
have one without the other. “Mom I’ve got news but it’s twofold and I have to
talk fast. First we’re pregnant…”
Eardrums mom eardrums.

“You little shit, did you know
while we were there?”

“Yeah but the timing was all wrong. Anyway you’re gonna have
to celebrate impending baby mooching later I have a problem.”

“What kinda problem sweetie your witch in flaw again?
by
the way your husband rocks.”

“No not her and thanks but right now my husband’s cheese
fell off his cracker.”

“What! What does that mean,
what happened?”

I told her the stories and this
clown howled with laughter, she thought it was the cutest thing.

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about, when I was
carrying you and your brothers I had twenty four hour guards.”

“Mom you always have twenty four hour guards.”

“Not like this girlie. It was
insane; your father was afraid I’d stub my toe and have a miscarriage. Some
fool filled his head with all these horror stories and he made my life a living
hell. Until I threatened to throw the female nurse slash spy out the window. So
you see you have it easy, buck up.”

Well, no help from that corner.
Shit. We talked for about ten minutes, in which time I realized that
I had already been replaced by my unborn child
. What is it
with people and babies? A week ago her whole conversation was about this cute
this and this amazing that that she was getting for me. Now we were planning
shopping trips for the baby. I kept one ear pricked for the door because sure
as shit he’d be up here soon to make sure I hadn’t drowned in the three inches
of water he’d allowed me. He had work tomorrow, who knows what kind of hell
that was
gonna
mean for me. Maybe they have a daycare
for
preggos
. If they do he’d find it the nut.

The next morning he wasn’t making
tracks for the door. “Honey don’t you have work?”

“I’m taking a few days off.”

“From the army? How does that work? Isn’t that illegal?”

“No baby it’s not stop worrying
and come ‘ere.” I went back to the bed and laid down, I know what he was after.
I lifted my negligee so nutty could see that my tummy had not grown one iota
since the last time he looked. He was being so cute, apart from the list of
don’ts; that I was really starting to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing. I had
no symptoms yet of course but he was in there.

 
“We’re going to the doctor first thing
then I have a guy coming out to wire the house…”

“Wait, wire the house, wire the house for what exactly?”

“We’re beefing up security I’m
having eyes put in around the property and inside. It’s for your safety baby I
shoulda
thought of it sooner, then what happened a few days
ago wouldn’t …”

 
“By the way did you listen to your
messages?”

“You’re not to worry about that shit; no stress remember.”

I’ma
knock him in his damn head.

The doctor visit was one for the
books. First, my doctor is ten minutes older than dirt. Poor thing, I don’t
think she was ready for Damien’s brand of nutty. He asked a million questions
that left even her flustered. To hear him tell it I was ready to give birth any
day now. Meanwhile the little pin was barely a few weeks old, bless his heart.
She was cool though and didn’t laugh in his face when he asked her if I should
be walking up and down stairs or if we should move into a room in the lower
half of the house for the duration. I didn’t get a word in edgewise; the man
was off his nut.

I had to bite my tongue when he
started asking about sex. I thought for sure he’d be too embarrassed to ask an
elderly lady old enough to be his grandma if it was okay to carry on having
sex. Lucky for her she said yes because if they’d messed with my dick intake
there would’ve been an uprising.

Next it was back to the house, oh
excuse me ‘Fort Knox’. There were men moving about doing who knows what. I
waited until he was preoccupied to sneak and listen to the messages from the
day before. The first couple started out calm enough but as time went on the
bat-shit came through. First she wanted to know what we were doing, if we
wanted to go shopping. Then it was her feelings were hurt because he was
ignoring her. Not one mention of yours truly. I guess she figured since she’d
let it all hang out and told everyone what she really thought of me that it was
now okay to pretend I no longer existed.

The screeching
started at around call number ten and that’s when I got my first mention. It
was almost sad that she couldn’t see she was digging the hole deeper for
herself. I’m guessing I was the tart in question who was destroying her life. I
heard him calling for me and skedaddled.

“No running baby, what were you
doing?”

“Oh nothing what’s up?”

“Officer Neill called, the prints don’t match any they have
on file and since it’s considered a domestic issue their hands are tied.”

“What, what does that mean?” he hung his head and rubbed his
face.

“It means that there isn’t much
they can do.”

“SHE’S NOT KEEPING MY NANA’S RING.”
I was crying and screaming all at once. I wanted to go knock that bitch’s head
clean off, but I just knew that shit would get my ass thrown in jail.

“Calm down sweetie I’ll get you your ring back. How the fuck
did this
become my life
?”

“
Que
?
your
life?
try
living it from
my end. You got twenty-four hours to get my shit back, plus the money for my
drawers that panty snatcher filched or
I’ma
open up a
can a whoop ass on her like you won’t believe.”

He came up the stairs and hugged
me. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be getting this upset babe, I said I’ll
handle it.”

“I want her in jail, RIGHT NOW.” I got a kiss on my forehead
and a grin.

“You’re cute when you’re being crazy.”

“You think this is crazy? You’ll see crazy when I put that
bitch’s house on the market right out from under her.” She thinks I don’t know
that her father had left the house she now lived in to hubby. Hah, we’ll see
how much she liked having to move out of her family estate that she was so fond
of.

“Vanessa I don’t need this shit right now…” He was talking
to air because I was gone.