The Dating Game (31 page)

Thankfully Liam was attending a meeting in London early the
next morning, so Gill had the perfect excuse not to stay over.  She wished him
well on his trip and was relieved by the realisation that Liam wouldn’t even be
in the same country when she met Anton in Glasgow.

The snow was still a problem the following day and services
continued to be disrupted.  Gill went as far as to check that Liam’s plane had
managed to leave Glasgow.  Again she felt relief that it had.  She also felt
guilty at feeling relieved.  It wasn’t as if she was planning for anything to
happen with Anton.  She just wanted to hear what he had to say and find out
why.  Then she could finally cut him out of her life and move on.

The day dragged.  Whenever Gill hazarded a glance at the
clock on her wall, barely five minutes had passed since the last time she
checked.  She couldn’t settle to anything.  She hadn’t brought a change of
clothes.  She was going as she was, in her work clothes, to meet Anton.  After
all, it wasn’t a date – on the contrary.

She turned up late intentionally, arriving at the bar at ten
past seven. It was his turn to sweat.  He was facing the door, so he wouldn’t
miss her.  When she came in, he held her gaze for a second then smiled weakly.

He stood up to kiss her hello and Gill held up her hand to
stop him, ‘Don’t.  You don’t have that right.’

Embarrassed, Anton sat down again.

‘What would you like to drink?’

‘Sparkling mineral water.’

Gill noticed he had a glass of wine in front of him.

‘You wouldn’t prefer anything stronger?’

Actually she could have done with a brandy, but she wanted
to be conscious of everything that was said, remember every nuance, without
alcohol impairing her senses.

She managed to say, ‘Water’s fine.’  Her voice felt hoarse,
as if someone else had spoken.

Anton rose to go to the bar.  She noticed he was limping. 
He returned a few moments later and set the glass on the table, then positioned
himself opposite her once again.  He gazed at her, as if drinking her in.  Then
he stared at his hands.  He appeared to have difficulty starting the
conversation, so Gill broke in, ‘Anton, why did you want to see me?’

He took in every detail of her face, noting the angry set of
her jaw, the stiffness in her posture, the vulnerability in her eyes, and
sighed.  Finally he spoke, ‘Because I love you.’

Gill jumped as if she had been shot, then just as suddenly
her body sagged.  Could he be any crueller?  He had discarded her and now here
he was playing mind games.

‘You have a funny way of showing it,’ she hissed at him.  ‘I
can’t do this.  Do you know why I’m here?  Do you?’ she was aware that she had
raised her voice, but was powerless to stop herself.  Anton tried to shush her,
but that only served to incite her further.  ‘I’m here,’ Gill spat, ‘because I
want to know why.  That’s all.  Why?’ 

Gill hadn’t realised she had stood up and was towering over
Anton, until he guided her gently back into her seat.

‘Gill, it’s a long story.’

‘Well, much as I’d like to use the old cliché, “I have all
the time in the world”, quite frankly I’m limiting how much more of my time I’m
going to let you waste,’ Gill seethed.

‘OK.  Here’s the condensed version.  I fell in love with
you, we made love, I went to Minsk, had a road accident two days after I
arrived, and got out of hospital last week.’

Anton drew breath, looked at Gill to ensure she had taken in
what he had said, and then took a sip of his wine.

Gill stared at him.  She couldn’t formulate any words. 
Finally she managed, ‘If this is your idea of a joke…?’

‘No joke,’ Anton interrupted her.  ‘If you don’t believe it,
I can get you proof; photos, documents, coverage in the local press.’

Gill didn’t know what to say.  She stared at the table,
trying to work out what this meant. 
Anton hadn’t intentionally abandoned
her?  Anton loved her?  This had all been a twist of Fate?

Alarmed by a sharp sound, Gill started, then realised the
noise was a hysterical half laugh, half sob, which had burst from her throat.

Dozens of questions and scenarios flitted through her mind. 
Finally she simply said, ‘What happened?’

‘I was driving from the office back to my hotel, in very
heavy rain, when the driver of a car coming from the opposite direction
apparently lost control of the wheel, skidded and hit me head-on.  He died.  I
survived, just.  I was on the critical list to start with.  They managed to
stabilise me eventually, but my recovery has been long.’

‘So what injuries did you have?’

‘My pelvis was crushed, I needed surgery for my back, my leg
was fractured and in plaster, and I had several cracked ribs.  I suppose I was
a bit like a broken rag-doll,’ he said sadly.

‘But couldn’t you have called me or e-mailed me?’ the words
were out before Gill could stop them.  Of course he had more important things
on his mind, like getting well.  ‘I mean, when you got back.  What would have
happened if I hadn’t seen you that day in Buchanan St?’

‘I didn’t think I could e-mail you after all this time.  I
wanted to see you.  I looked up your agency.  It wasn’t so difficult to find
you.  Then on Monday I came to your office, but just as I was crossing the road
and working out what to say to you, you came out, with a man.  You looked,’ it
seemed to pain him to say this, ‘as if you were a couple.’

Liam.

The indirect question hung in the air unanswered.

He saw me with Liam and went away
.  Gill knew it was
true.  Monday was the only time Liam had come to her office.  Her thoughts
whirled around inside her head like clothes in a washing machine.

Gill suddenly had problems breathing.  Had the shock induced
a panic attack?  Anton, concerned, escorted her outside to get some fresh air,
which she gulped in gratefully.

After a few minutes and after ascertaining she was OK, Anton
gestured for them to go back inside and continue their conversation.  Gill
turned to Anton and he saw the tears coursing down her face.  ‘I can’t.  I wish
things were different and I really wish you hadn’t had that accident, but I
thought you had abandoned me.  I thought you didn’t care.  I’m, I-I-I-m with
someone else now and I’m happy.’

Gill noticed the pain cross Anton’s face, the sudden intake
of breath, and the glance away from her to hide his feelings.  When he turned
back to her, he had regained his composure.

‘Gill, we have been very unlucky.  I love you, I probably
always will, but if you love this man and he makes you happy, then I have to
accept that is what’s best for you.  Because I love you and no matter how much
I wish it were different, I wish you all the best.’  He bent down and kissed
her on the cheek and whispered, ‘You can’t know how much I wish things had been
different.  If you ever need me, I will be there.  You have my number,’ and
then he turned and walked away from her.

Gill stood for a few minutes, trying to gulp air back into
her lungs.  She had done it.  She knew the reasons.  She had closure, so why
didn’t she feel happy?

The next few weeks were a tortured time for Gill.  Her
thoughts strayed often to Anton and the conversation which had taken place with
him.  She remembered his limp; she didn’t doubt the genuineness of his road
accident, nor his reasons for not contacting her.  She believed that he thought
he loved her.  It was all so unsettling.  The cosy rapport she had enjoyed with
Liam was shattered – the spectre of Anton coming between them.

When she made love to Liam, Anton and the night they had
spent together came unbidden into her mind, and left her feeling guilty.  Not
even the Christmas party and having to dress up in an Abba costume; white satin
blouse with a huge collar and puff sleeves, and spangly, flared bellbottoms
lifted her spirits.  Fortunately her staff had a good time and Gill put on as
good an act as she could.  She was glad that they had booked places at an event
attended by lots of other companies.  It made it easier for her to blend into
the background, especially with the others constantly up on the dance floor,
strutting their stuff to
Waterloo
and
Mamma Mia.

Gill hadn’t heard from Anton since that night.  She didn’t
expect to.  She wondered when she would be able to get him out of her head.  It
was so unfair.  She had seen the hurt in his eyes when she told him she thought
he had abandoned her.  He had told her he loved her.  That night and every
night since, she had cried at the injustice of it all.

Christmas Eve rolled around.  Gill was glad to be going to
her brother’s on Christmas Day.  At least she wouldn’t have to be alone with
her thoughts then, or try to block them out as she tried to do when with Liam.

Gill felt nervous around Liam that evening, even more than
usual since the meeting with Anton.  There was something in the air.  She
couldn’t quite identify it, but there was definitely an undercurrent.  Did Liam
suspect something?  He was very jumpy.

They ate the special dinner which Liam had prepared; a
traditional Italian Christmas Eve menu, from one of his many cook books. 
Apparently it was traditional in Southern Italy to have a fish-based banquet. 
He toned down the size of the banquet, but he had outdone himself on the
content.  Gill didn’t like to tell him she didn’t feel like eating a thing, but
she ate as much as she could – a lot less than usual.  The stuffed lobster was
exquisite and Gill felt she didn’t do the seafood risotto justice.  It upset
her that Liam had gone to so much trouble and she couldn’t enjoy it properly. 
When he suggested dessert, she groaned and said she was too full.

‘Maybe later then,’ he said.  He cleared away the plates,
whilst Gill found them a film to watch.  Gill wondered why the programmers put
all the good films on over two weeks of the year, whilst the rest of the time
they were awful.

When Liam entered the room, Gill smiled at him expectantly. 
She thought he was on the verge of saying something.  He bent down in front of
her and held out a small box.  Only then did Gill realise, he was down on
bended knee.  Shock, horror, disbelief and incredulity coursed through her.

This can’t be happening.

A smiling Liam, looked up at Gill, from under his floppy
fringe and opening the ring box, said, ‘Gill, will you marry me?’

Christmas and beyond

When Gill arrived at her brother’s late on Christmas morning,
her nephews barrelled into her.

‘Aunt Gill, Aunt Gill, Santa’s been.  Look, I got a bike,’
said George.

‘I got a bike, too, and a wrestling ring, and a garage,’
Harry pulled his aunt into the usually tidy living room, which now resembled a
war zone.

‘They’re a bit hyper,’ said Sarah.  ‘Where’s Liam?’

‘He’s not coming.  I’ll tell you later.’

Christopher and Sarah exchanged a look, with Christopher
throwing his wife a warning glance not to pry.

Her young nephews had soon roped Gill into playing at cars
with them then gave her a blow-by-blow account of what was happening in the
wrestling world, by way of a demonstration of who was the meanest wrestler. 
Interestingly, the boys could rattle off an entire biography of the wrestlers,
including the fact that one was from Ayrshire and another hailed from Florida.

‘Did you see John Cena when you went to Florida, Aunt Gill?’

Sarah rolled her eyes and handed Gill a glass of pink
champagne.

‘No, George, I didn’t see him, but I don’t know him, and
Florida is a big place,’ Gill sat on the arm of the sofa, as her nephews
continued to rat-a-tat questions and statements at her.

Gill surveyed all the presents they had received.  Every so
often she would hear her phone vibrating.  She had put it on vibrate, so it
wouldn’t disturb anyone, but she would know if it rang.  It had been vibrating
non-stop.  She knew she’d have to talk to Liam sooner or later, but right now
she couldn’t.  She tried to focus on what her nephews were telling her, but her
mind kept shifting back to the night before, when Liam had asked her to marry
him.  She hadn’t been able to answer him.  She appeared to have lost all power
of speech.  Liam had given an uneasy laugh and said, ‘Aren’t you going to say
anything?  You’re making me nervous.’

Finally she had uttered the two words that would change
everything.

Christmas dinner was wonderful.  She would have expected
nothing less from Sarah.  Christopher had taken her aside earlier to ask her
why Liam wasn’t with her and if she was OK, but she had waved him away and
said, ‘Once the kids are in bed.  It’s Christmas Day.  Let’s focus on them.’

So they had and they watched
Toy Story
on TV,
although Gill was so distracted she couldn’t have told you which
Toy Story
.

Gill was careful not to drink much, as she didn’t want to
cry and she wanted to be
compos mentis
enough to explain to Christopher
and Sarah what had happened.

After dinner, she excused herself, went upstairs, and
checked her phone.  Forty-two missed calls.  Twenty-two messages.  Fifteen text
messages.  With a sinking heart, Gill went back downstairs and helped Sarah
clear up.  She’d read the texts and listen to the messages later, once she’d
told Christopher and Sarah.

With the boys in bed, each settled with their favourite new
toy, Sarah brought the three adults Irish coffees.

‘I think we could use this.  What a day!  But I think the
boys enjoyed it,’ she said, offering a glass to Gill.

‘Yes, well they certainly have enough toys and energy.  I
wish I’d seen them open their presents, though.’

‘Gill, what’s going on?’ Christopher cut through the small
talk.

Taking a deep breath, Gill said, ‘Liam asked me to marry
him.’

‘Whaaat?’ shrieked Sarah, ‘I can’t believe you haven’t told
us until now, you bitch!’ she leapt up off the sofa to hug Gill, but her
husband pulled her back.

‘So why isn’t he here with you?’  Christopher, ever-logical,
asked.

Playing with the zipper of her cardigan, Gill smiled sadly
and said, ‘I said no.’

Sarah’s eyes almost popped out of her head.  ‘No?  But why? 
You two are great together!’

‘I know it’s a bit soon to be talking about getting engaged,
but I agree with Sarah.  You two are great together.  I haven’t seen you this
happy in ages,’ Christopher said, then awaited his sister’s response
expectantly.

Gill sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, pulling at
it a little, as she was wont to do when nervous.

‘I ran into Anton,’ she whispered.

‘Anton!’ Liam’s tone was incredulous.  ‘After what he did?’

As Gill brought them up to speed, Sarah’s eyes widened in
horror, whilst Christopher appeared thoughtful.

‘So basically, Anton didn’t do anything wrong,’ said
Christopher slowly.

‘It seems not.’

‘And now you’re torn between how you feel about Anton and
how you feel about Liam?’ he ventured.

‘It’s a bit more than that,’ Gill admitted.  ‘As soon as I
saw that Liam was about to propose, I felt horrified, not elated.  I realised
that whilst I was happy with him, that was in the knowledge that things could
never be between Anton and me.  And now everything’s changed.’

‘What did you say to Liam?’ Christopher asked.

Remembering, Gill cringed.  She wasn’t exactly proud of how
she had handled it.

‘I told him I couldn’t marry him.  He looked shocked, then
he said, “You’re kidding, right?” but when I shook my head and started to cry,
he realised I was serious.  I tried to explain, but what could I say?  He
wouldn’t let me comfort him, so eventually I said. “I think I should go. I’ll
call you tomorrow.”’

‘And have you called him today?’ Sarah asked.

Gill shook her head, ‘Not yet.  I thought I would talk to
you two first then return his many calls.’

‘He’s been calling you?’ Christopher asked.

Gill delved in her bag and withdrew her mobile.  When
Christopher saw the number of missed calls and messages, he said, ‘Shit!’

‘So what are you going to do?’ Sarah pressed her.

‘I don’t know.  All I know is that I can’t be with Liam,
when I still have feelings for Anton.  I certainly can’t marry him.’

‘No, you’re right.  That wouldn’t be fair, on anyone,’
replied Christopher, as he got up to fetch them refills.

‘What a mess!’ Gill said out loud.

‘You don’t need to decide right away,’ Sarah advised her. 
‘Give yourself a few days.’

‘That’s what Debbie said, and that was before Liam
proposed.’

They fell silent until Christopher returned with the
alcohol-laced coffees.

‘I’m going to take mine up to my room, if that’s OK.  I need
to listen to Liam’s messages and return his call.’

‘Good luck,’ mouthed Sarah, as Gill closed the living room
door.

Gill listened to and read the various messages:

‘Gill, I don’t understand.  What just happened?  Please call
me.’

‘Gill, I love you, please don’t do this,’ Gill felt a tear
roll down her cheek.

‘Please don’t throw away everything we have.’

‘We don’t have to get married.  Things can just stay the way
they were.’

‘I didn’t mean to frighten you off.  I should have suggested
living together first.’

‘Gill, I’m at Michael and Petra’s, please call me.’

‘Say hi to your family.  Wish them Merry Christmas for me,’
said without a trace of sarcasm, as he tried to remain upbeat.  Her heart went
out to him.

‘Don’t you love me?  I thought we felt the same way about
each other?’

‘What went wrong?  We always have such a good time
together.’

The messages continued in the same vein.  Mentally preparing
herself, Gill dialled Liam’s number.

‘Gill!’ the relief in his voice was palpable.  ‘Thanks for
calling.  Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine.  How are you?’

‘I’ve been better – glad to hear from you.’

Gill didn’t know what to say next.  After a brief pause, she
said, ‘Can you meet me tomorrow? Kelvingrove Park, three o’clock.’

Liam jumped at this lifeline.

‘I’ll see you there, outside the art galleries?’

‘Yes, see you then, Liam.’

This had to be done in person.  It would be hard, but it was
the only way.

As Sarah and Christopher said goodbye to Gill at one thirty
on Boxing Day, they wished her luck.  They had given her strict instructions to
call after her meeting with Liam.  Gill hadn’t even told any of her friends
yet, not even about Liam’s proposal.  She hadn’t wanted her screwed-up life to
mar their happiness at Christmas.

She arrived at Kelvingrove Park early, so she took the
opportunity to call Debbie.  After wishing each other a Merry Christmas and
listening to Debbie’s news, Gill told her of the events of the past few days.

Debbie whistled, ‘Gill, it’s like a bad Latin American soap
opera.’

‘As I said to Lisa recently, no, this is just my shit life.’

‘Liam will be devastated, but he
will
get over it.’

‘I know.  I’m just not looking forward to telling him.  But
I owe it to him, to tell him face to face.  Do you think I’m doing the right
thing by telling him why?’

Debbie mulled this over for a bit then said, ‘Yes, I think
so.  It’s not as if you’ve met someone since you started going out, or betrayed
him with an ex.  The circumstances here aren’t exactly normal.’

You can say that again
, thought Gill.

‘OK, I’m going to go.  I need time to think before I see
him.’

‘Good luck.’

Gill wandered through the park, enjoying the splendid
isolation, as it gave her time to organise her thoughts.  At five to three, she
headed back to the art galleries.  Liam was already standing outside, a hopeful
look on his face.  His eyes lit up when he saw Gill and he moved towards her,
ready to embrace her.

‘Don’t Liam, please.  This is hard enough.’

Stung, he recoiled and dug his hands in his pockets.

‘Why don’t we go for a walk, so I can explain?’

As they walked through the park, Gill told Liam everything
that had happened since that afternoon when she had bumped into Anton on
Buchanan St.  She told him how she had felt about him before he went to Minsk
and how, since seeing him again, her feelings had returned.  As she held Liam’s
hands in hers and looked him in the eye, she told him how she did care deeply
for him and hated that she was hurting him, but that she couldn’t marry him, or
even be with him anymore, when she had such strong feelings for someone else.

Liam struggled to take it all in.  It was clear he was only
just holding it together.  He inhaled deeply a few times, turned away and
rubbed his face with one of his gloves.

‘Do you need more time, is that it?  More time to know what
you want?’

Sadly Gill shook her head, ‘Liam, when you asked me to marry
you, I should have been deliriously happy, but I wasn’t.  Who knows, if Anton
hadn’t reappeared, maybe things would have been different – although it
was
a bit soon,’ she countered.

‘Are you going to start seeing each other again?’

‘I don’t know.  I need time to get my head round things. 
All I know is I can’t be with a lovely man who asks me to marry him, when I
don’t feel ecstatic that he has asked me.’

Reluctantly Liam said, ‘I think I understand.  I think. 
Gill, I love you.  I wish I’d told you earlier.  I wish I’d asked you to marry
me earlier, but…’ as if thinking out loud, ‘maybe you would have just left me
later.’

Gill rubbed his arm and said, ‘Liam, I need you to know, I
loved the time we spent together and I really never intended to hurt you and it
hurts me so much that I have to.’

Liam nodded weakly in comprehension.

She hugged him then, tears flowing openly down her face, she
sobbed, ‘I really want you to be happy.  I hope you find someone who deserves
you and who can love you as much as you love her.’

They clung to each other for a few moments, crying
unashamedly.  Finally, Gill broke away and said, ‘Goodbye, Liam,’ and she
turned and walked out of the park, digging in her coat pockets for a
handkerchief, and hiccupping as she tried to stem another sob.

Apart from phone calls to Debbie and the girls, and to her
brother, Gill lay low for the next few days.  She did oodles of housework and
watched crap TV to take her mind of things.  She had barely left the house
since Boxing Day, only venturing out to buy bread and milk.  Her friends were
worried about her, but she assured them she was fine; she just needed time to
herself.  She watched the entire period drama box set she’d been given for
Christmas in two days.

On the thirtieth, Gill awoke to the birds singing.  It was a
brighter day.  Wrapping up well, she walked through Queens Park.  By the time
she returned home, she had come to a decision.  She knew what she was going to
do.

‘Hello?’

‘Anton, it’s Gill.’

‘Gill, how are you?  Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas.  I’m well.  Anton, the reason I’m calling
is because I’d like to meet you, tomorrow.  I’ll come through to Stirling.  Can
you meet me at the university, main entrance?’

‘Yes, of course.  At what time?’

‘One o’clock.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’

‘See you then.’

The next twenty-four hours passed as if in slow motion but
finally the last day of the year arrived.

Gill parked her car and decided to take advantage of the
free time and go for a walk.  She’d never been to Stirling University before
and was struck by the beautiful scenery and the backdrop of the Wallace
Monument which towered above it.  By the time she reached the main gate, it was
five past one.  At first she didn’t see Anton, but then as she neared the gate,
she saw him standing inside it, staring at the university buildings.

‘Anton,’ she said shyly.

‘Gill,’ he bent down and kissed her on both cheeks.  That
she had let him do that, was a step in the right direction, he thought.

Now that she was here, she didn’t know what to say.  How to
process all the thoughts that were tumbling through her mind and arrange them
in a coherent fashion, so that someone else, he, Anton, could understand?