The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) (7 page)

“I should go.”
 

I untangled myself from his grasp. For just a second his muscles tensed as if he might hold on to me. Then his arm fell away.
 

“I’ll take you home.”
 

“No, it’s okay. You’re right. I’m stronger than I think. I’ll be fine. How could I not be, with you by my side?”
 

Max studied me for a moment. The way his eyes tightened and his jaw rippled made me think that he was about to speak, but instead he only nodded.
 

“Alright. I’m always here if you need me. Always.”
 

I believed him, but in that moment I needed to be as far away from him as possible. If I looked into his eyes a second longer, I was going to take what I wanted even if it meant losing our friendship.

As I walked away from Max, I felt in many ways as if I was walking away from Blue too. There was no question that I was in love with both men, but that didn’t matter. I couldn’t make either of them love me back—not the way that I wanted them to.

It was time for me to let love come to me as Anisa had advised. I couldn’t force it, I had to invite it. The first step was letting go of the love I had tried to possess for myself.

After I put the flowers Max gave me in water I poured a very tall glass of wine. I hadn’t had dinner, so I knew I was going to get tipsy. But that was okay. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to please. I had every intention of maintaining a positive attitude.

I sat down at my computer and turned it on. Right away I saw an e-mail from Blue. Maybe he had sent it before dinner. Maybe there was an excuse. Maybe it was a good one. But I didn’t want to read it.

I deleted the e-mail. I felt strong and I was done waiting.

I logged in to MatchMe and began perusing my connections. Right away Ben sent me a note.
 

Are we on for that date?
 

I took a sip of my wine and stared at his photograph smiling at me. He was a handsome bigger guy. I liked the way his smile reached his eyes in the picture. More importantly, he had gone out of his way to make himself available to me.
 

Absolutely. You name the time and place and I’ll be there.
 

That started the ball rolling. It continued until my glass of wine was empty. By the time I turned off the computer I had a date lined up for just about every night the next week. It made me feel good in a way to know that I was wanted.

But as I gave in to the rumble in my stomach and put some dinner together for myself, I was still disappointed that I’d missed out on my chance to meet Blue. It occurred to me that I would always wonder about him.

Chapter 16

My first date with Ben brought back a little of my excitement in finding love. Being stood up by Blue still smarted, but I thought the best way to get over it was to dive right into the dating scene.

Ben had been eager to meet, so we set up a date for the next night. I liked that he was so willing to drop everything to see me. The restaurant he chose was a midpoint between our two homes. I’d never eaten there before and I looked forward to trying it out. It was being promoted as a whole food restaurant with lots of fresh choices.

I noticed Ben as soon as I parked. He stood near the front door. His fingers drummed awkwardly against the slope of his thigh. I was not instantly attracted to Ben. I wanted to be, but there was something about his mild demeanor that made him a little hard to pay attention to.

I ignored that. Attraction could grow as we got to know one another.

I walked up to him with a wide smile. “Ben?”

“Samantha!” He stared at me. “I didn’t think it was possible but you’re prettier than your picture.”

I could feel my face getting hot at the compliment. He was being kind, and to be honest, I needed to hear it after what had happened with Blue.

“Thank you. I’m so glad that we have the chance to get together.”

“Our table is waiting.” He opened the door. “Unless you’d rather eat somewhere else? We can go wherever you want.”

“No, this is perfect, thanks. I’ve been curious about this place.”
 

“Great.” He held the door open for me.

I mentally made a note that he was quite polite.

As we sat down at our table, he kept looking up at me. I smiled each time he did. I felt the need to put him at ease. Once we’d ordered our drinks, I decided to take the lead in the conversation. I knew what it was like to feel so nervous.
 

“So Ben, what do you like to do for fun?”
 

“I collect stamps. I know that’s boring. Who even does that any more? But I was raised by my grandfather, and it was our way of bonding. So I still do it—as a way to honor him.”

 
“I think that’s very sweet. There’s nothing wrong with collecting stamps. It’s interesting to think of all the places that they’ve been.”
 

“Yes, exactly!” Ben laughed. “I can’t believe you get it. Yes, it’s really not even about the stamp itself for me, it’s more about where it’s come from. My sister used to joke that I just needed to find a woman who liked to collect postcards—that we’d be a perfect match.”
 

“She has a point.” I grinned. “I’d love to see your collection some time.”
 

“Great.” He tapped the table lightly. “That’s great. So, Samantha, what do you do for fun?”
 

My mind filled with all of the activities I’d engaged in over the past few months. The list was too long. I didn’t want him to think that I was flighty.
 

“Well, as a writer, of course I really enjoy writing. But I also have gotten to know—I guess you could say my spiritual side.”
 

“Oh? That sounds interesting. Contemplating your navel?” He grinned.
 

“Not exactly.” I laughed. “But I have been trying to connect with myself—you know, who I really am.”
 

“How’s that going?”
 

We paused as we ordered our food, then Ben looked back at me. “Have you learned anything surprising about yourself?”
 

I smiled at the question. I hadn’t really thought about it before. “I think I’m much more daring than I ever knew. I have an adventurous side. I’ve been trained not to take risks, but I think at my core, I really enjoy it.”

“Wow! That would surprise me, because I don’t take any risks. Okay, actually the only risk I’ve taken is joining the dating site, and I only did that because my sister made me. I like things to be a certain way—expected, so that I can relax and just enjoy life.”
 

“That makes sense. You really have the chance to savor your experiences if they are predictable.”
 

“Predictable.” He cringed. “That’s probably a bad thing.”
 

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head. “Knowing what you want, achieving it, and living it—that’s all pretty amazing in my book.”
 

“You’re really easy to talk to, Samantha.”
 

“Thanks.”
 

As we shared our meal, I learned a little bit more about Ben. He wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t taken any risks in life, but I admired that about him. I began to think he would never be able to handle my “live in the moment” lifestyle. By the time we’d finished our lunch, I wasn’t so sure that we’d be seeing one another again.
 

“Thanks, Ben. I had a nice time.” I smiled politely at him.
 

“I hope we can do it again soon. What do you think?” Ben’s hands trembled a little as he waited for my answer.
 

“Sure, I’d really like that.”
 

Why not?

“When?”
 

“How about Tuesday? If you’re not busy?”
 

“No, not busy at all. To be honest, Samantha, you’re the only woman I’ve connected with from the site.”
 

“Oh, I didn’t realize.” I decided against telling him that I had gone on a matching binge. “But I’m glad you’re free. We could do dinner. How does that sound?”
 

“Perfect.” He nodded. “Wow. I didn’t think you’d say yes.”
 

I laughed. “Why not?”
 

“I don’t know. Most women don’t say yes.”
 

“Well, I’m glad they didn’t. That gives me the chance to say yes now.”
 

Ben and I shared a quick hug after we left the restaurant.

It felt strange to me to even think of kissing him. As much as I hated to admit it, Ben was right. I probably shouldn’t have said yes. I just didn’t feel any chemistry between us. But I wasn’t going to let that ruin our chance. Chemistry could come later.

Chapter 17

As I listed all of the positive aspects of meeting Ben in my head, I sent a text to Max.
 

Great date. Looking forward to seeing him again.
 

I smiled at being able to text that—no drama, no raw emotion, just contentment.

Max didn’t need to know that initially I might need to force myself not to see Ben as a brother figure rather than a love interest. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to be his buddy and not his girlfriend, but I planned to overcome that.

At home I headed straight for the computer. I wanted to add some depth to one of the scenes I’d been working on where my main character first encounters her love interest. I’d been stuck on how to get that connection going, but now I had a better idea of how it felt to interact at that first meeting.

On a whim I checked my e-mail first. My heart sank when I saw another e-mail from Blue. I’d not written him back since deleting his first two e-mails. This time I would read it. I wanted to know that he was okay.

After clicking the e-mail open, I immediately regretted it.
 

Samantha,
 

I’ll do anything.

You name it. I’ll do it. Please.

I know that I failed you again. I can’t even explain why. There are no excuses for what I did. I feel awful about it, but that doesn’t even matter. What matters is that I hurt you when I promised that I never would. I can’t begin to apologize. I know that I don’t even deserve the opportunity.

I can’t just say goodbye, Samantha. I need to see you. When we meet, you’ll understand. At least, I hope you will. That can only happen if you give me just one more chance. I know I’m out of chances, but I also know how kind and forgiving you are. I’m asking for you to have mercy on me, because if I have to spend the rest of my life never having told you the truth, it will be pure torture. I know that’s selfish of me, but I think you need this too. I know you care for me the way I care for you. I know that you feel this connection between us.

Please, give me one more chance.
 

Blue
 

The impact of the e-mail was not what I expected. I thought I might be angry, or even sad. Instead, I felt relief. Relief that Blue still cared. I knew I shouldn’t be swayed so easily, but it warmed my heart to think that he hadn’t given up on me—that he wouldn’t.

That, however, did not mean that I was willing to forgive him. My fingers ached to type a message back, but I refused to do it.

I wanted to take some time to think things through. I wanted to go on my dates and discover how I felt around other men. Blue had made me wait; now I was going to do the same to him.

To distract myself from thinking about Blue, I started chatting back and forth with Spence, whom I had a date with the next day. He was very responsive.
 

Can we talk on the phone?
 

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I figured it couldn’t hurt to give him my number if we planned on meeting the next day. I sent him the number in response.

A minute later my phone began to ring. My heart jumped but I didn’t have time to be nervous.
 

“Hello?”
 

“Samantha?”
 

“Yes, is this Spence?”
 

“Yes. Wow, what a beautiful voice.”
 

“Oh, thanks.” I felt my face getting warm.

We weren’t even in the same room and he was already getting under my skin. I’d never thought about how my voice sounded.
 

“About tomorrow—I had some ideas. What do you think about food carts?”
 

“Uh—some of the food can be great.”
 

“So you wouldn’t care if we ate at one?”
 

“As long as it’s one you’ve been to before.” I cringed at the idea of eating at some side-of-the-road roach coach. The food carts I’d eaten at in the past were all highly recommended.
 

“It’s my favorite place.”
 

“Okay, I’m up for trying it.” I smiled. The last thing I wanted to be was picky. Sure, it wasn’t what I’d expected, but that didn’t mean that it couldn’t be great.

“You don’t care that it’s not a sit-down place?”
 

“Not at all. If that’s what you like, let’s give it a shot.”
 

It was an unusual way to have a first date but I was determined to be as open to new ideas as I could be. Spence sounded like a passionate person and he sparked my curiosity. It was nice that he wanted to share one of his favorite places with me.
 

“Great. It’s also right next to a stone sculpture museum that I think you will enjoy. So around eleven?”
 

“Perfect.”
 

“I’m looking forward to it.”
 

“Me too.”

I hung up the phone. A glimmer of excitement caused my heart to flutter. Dating was fun. It used to be something that I dreaded because I was so insecure about how I looked, what he might think of me, and whether I might embarrass myself. But now it was more like an opportunity to explore.

With each new date I accepted, I felt my comfort zone growing wider and wider. The date actually sounded like it would be a lot of fun. I could wear casual clothes and I’d get some culture along the way—not to mention that Spence looked downright gorgeous in the pictures I’d seen. He had loose curls, olive skin, and eyes that were quite possibly the largest I’d ever seen. I couldn’t wait to get my chance to look into them.