The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (3 page)
Read The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Anecdotes, #General, #Stupidity, #Essays
Darwin Award: A Highly Improbable Trajectory
The first patient of the evening claimed his gunshot wound was from a drive-by shooting, but the bullet traced a highly improbable trajectory….
At Risk Survivor: Tales from the Finnish Forest
Finland | Finland is the butt of jokes concerning mosquitoes, trees, and excessive alcohol consumption, so I can’t say I hadn’t been warned….
Personal Account: Missionary Kid
Indonesia | I was a missionary kid, nine years old and fascinated with fireworks. One day I had a bright idea….
Czech Republic | In July, thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory. Their target: the steel girders that supported the factory roof….
Iraq | Securing an Iraqi ammunition depot was a bit of a problem. Looters periodically showed up to steal brass from artillery rounds stored in the bunkers….
Darwin Award: Thou Shalt Not Steel
Czech Republic | Scrap metal dealers do not ask questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of valuable steel cable can be found in elevator shafts….
Ohio | Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their sandwich shop….
Darwin Award: Crutch, Meet Crotch
Russia | The handicapped man slept peacefully as Eduard quietly cleaned out the valuables. Eduard was preparing to leave when suddenly his victim awoke….
New York | The NYPD responded to a body-in-a-courtyard call and found a nineteen-year-old man who had obviously perished by falling from a great height….
Italy | David, forty-six, was sliding down an Italian ski slope one night on stolen foam protective padding….
Darwin Award: Slippery When Wet
Sweden | The Darwin Awards have celebrated many boneheaded burglars bungling the commission of their crimes. For instance, taking a shortcut down a sheer rock face….
Darwin Award: Four Great Ideas
Oregon | Anthony was stopped for speeding. His vehicle checked out as stolen in Idaho, so the deputy placed the suspect in a patrol car. Here, Anthony had his first great idea….
At Risk Survivor: Red-Hot Chili Peppers
In the local prison’s kitchen, an inmate stole a bag of jalapeños. Kitchen work is coveted by convicts because of these fringe benefits….
Darwin Award: Absolutely Radiant
Russia | Mayak is a Russian nuclear fuel processing center that was experimenting with plutonium purification. Keep an eye on the shift supervisor….
Pennsylvania | A twenty-three-year-old man with various body piercings wondered what it would feel like to connect the electronic control tester to his chest piercings….
West Virginia | Raising a new barn brings a community together. Razing a dilapidated barn is another question….
Darwin Award: A Prop-er Send-off
Australia | For a diver on a pearl farm there are many ways to “buy the farm.” The head diver, Sharky, was a loose gun in a company of cowboys….
Darwin Award: Crushing De’feet
Austria | A man who had been reported missing was found the following morning in a trash compactor. Once the videotape from a monitoring camera was reviewed, all became clear….
Darwin Award: Chemistry Went to Her Head
Bulgaria | Suddenly bystanders saw three occupants bolt from a car to a nearby manhole and start pouring down various solid and liquid chemicals….
UK | I represent an insurance company specializing in farms. Farmworkers do the most insane things….
Darwin Award: A Breathtaking View
South Africa | A construction engineer inspecting a building asked a worker to stand on a scaffold that was projecting into open space….
An experienced rescue diver was filming an underwater video of a wreck forty-four meters below sea level. Deep-water diving warrants special training and extra safety considerations….
At Risk Survivor: He Kicked the Bucket
Texas | In a world full of wonders man invented boredom. If you work for an arc welding company, boredom can turn a plastic bucket, welding materials, and a spark into a playdate….
California | When a bug crawled across his desk one spring morning, an adult education teacher gave twenty-five students an impromptu and involuntary lesson in safety….
At Risk Survivor: Caulker Burner
Scotland | The shipyard at Port Glasgow uses a plasma cutter to cut steel for boat repairs. For larger holes the plasma torch is programmed to leave sections uncut….
At Risk Survivor: The Turn of the Screw
Australia | The Kalgoorlie Nickel Smelter uses a piece of heavy machinery called a screw feeder, a cast-iron tube encasing an Archimedean screw that transports chunks of ore….
Darwin Award: Electronic Fireworks
Netherlands | Serge, thirty-six, thought it reasonable to hover over an illegal professional firework and light the
electronic
ignition with an open flame….
Vietnam | Three men scavenging for scrap metal found an unexploded five-hundred-pound bomb perched atop a hill and decided to rely on a little help from Sir Isaac Newton….
Brazil | August brings us a winner who tried to disassemble a rocket-propelled grenade by driving back and forth over it with a car….
Darwin Award: Timing Is Everything
Indiana | Russell had a grudge against an abandoned semitruck. Russell was not the silent, brooding type. He was a man of action….
At Risk Survivor: The Flaming Shot
Minnesota | After consuming many cocktails at a party, my friends and I had a brilliant idea to pour a shot of liquor, set it on fire, and drink it. The ultimate goal was to impress the ladies….
England | Two people emulated Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and fought with lightsabers made from fluorescent light-bulbs….
At Risk Survivor: Unfinished Project
Any story that begins, “Well, I was building a pipe bomb,” can never end well. One Sunday, angry that the Broncos were losing, Lou headed to his workshop to build a bomb….
At Risk Survivor: Roundabout Rocket
Two teens playing with miniature rockets formed the idea to tie a string around the rocket, tether it to the backyard birdbath, and thereby cause it to whirl around the sky….
At Risk Survivor: Remember the
Hindenburg
Remember the time the science teacher dropped sodium into a bowl of water? The element skips about, fizzing as it burns….
Oregon | A car hot-rodding down the interstate lost traction, cartwheeled, narrowly avoided a hundred-foot plunge into the Clackamas River, and smashed through the wall of a garage….
Indiana | At a party near Nashville a young man was watching people set off fireworks when, suddenly, a great idea struck him….
Australia | In the suburbs of Adelaide sleeping residents were awakened by a resounding explosion. A smoking hole was found in a neighbor’s backyard, reeking of the pungent odor of marijuana….
South Africa | Two muggers were working a crowd. Suddenly, their victim screamed! The muggers sprinted away, but working a crowd and working out are entirely different activities….
East Germany | A sixty-three-year-old man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles….
Serbia | It’s well known that alcohol impairs judgment. It’s well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don’t mix. What happens when we combine all three?
Darwin Award: A Cow-ardly Death
Cambodia | Sounds of a scuffle culminated in the discovery of a man’s naked body lying beneath the frightened family cow….
Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit….
Darwin Award: Score One for Goliath
Florida | A fearsome mythical giant named Goliath was felled by David’s humble slingshot. But a modern leviathan versus a speargun is another tale altogether….
Darwin Award: Elephants Press Back
India | In recent months migrating elephants have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of four journalists decided to interview the rogue elephants….
Darwin Award: Pulling a Boner!
New York | A fifty-year-old man was bird-hunting upstate with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. When they stopped for a smoke, his dog found a deer leg bone….
At Risk Survivor: Catching a Buzz
Charles can tell you the petrogenetic peculiarities of low-alkali tholeiitic basalt after hydrothermal alteration, but Charles recently demonstrated the gulf between intelligence and common sense….
