The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (26 page)

I said “No!” to pictures of gory accidents, pitiful tales of impoverished people, politically biased stories, racial stereotypes, and just plain mean submissions.

And I deal with flames sympathetically. When community or family members write, I respectfully listen to their point of view. Our discussions sometimes lead to a story being removed. Other times, the family realizes that they can take solace from knowing that their loss might help others avoid the same mistake, if it is used as a “safety lesson” by the Darwin Awards.

The heart and soul of the Darwin Awards is on the Internet. All the stories are available on the website, updated with facts and comments from readers. The Slush Pile is brimming with new submissions. My goal is to maintain a network of people who love the Darwin Awards, and keep this cultural icon true to its origins.

FAQ: What is evolution?

Four attributes cause a species to evolve. (1) The species must show variation. (2) That variation must be inheritable. (3) Not all members of the population survive to reproduce, but (4) the inherited characteristics of some members make them more likely to do so.

FAQ: Are humans really evolving?

Yes!
Evolution is the process of a species changing over time to better survive in its environment. The mechanism of evolution is simplicity itself: “Survival of the fittest.” A species improves gradually over thousands of generations because of differences in individual rates of reproduction. Evolution eliminates the dodo who does not avoid the club. It eliminates the driver who weaves around on the freeway while yakking on a cell phone. Humans who beget children have their genes represented in the next generation. Those who do not survive to reproduce—do not.

Whether the Darwin Awards represent human evolution is less clear. Is there really a set of genes that causes a man to strap a mortar firework onto his football helmet? Do genes really play a role in deciding to kiss a shark? These decisions do not have a direct genetic link.

But if a person does not survive to leave offspring, then she is manifestly less fit to survive than the rest of us. Her genes are not part of the next generation. And we can only hope that the next generation will no longer find people jumping into bear cages, surfing into storm drains, or whacking bugs with artillery shells.

Keep in mind that the Darwin Awards also illustrate the creativity that distinguishes us from less adaptable species. The same innovative spirit that causes the downfall of a Darwin Award winner is also responsible for the social and scientific advances that make the human race great.

FAQ: Why aren’t the winners those with the highest votes!?

If votes were all that mattered, you would see many more stories about testicles and sex. Put one or both of these in a story, and its score goes up. Grotesque or especially painful stories also get an artificial boost. Ewww! I let the popular vote guide my preference—but not rule it.

The vote
does
overrule my opinion if I love a story that has a low score. For instance, a California man working on his laptop while driving drifted over the centerline and was killed. Ha ha! Ha. Bafflingly unpopular! I rewrote the story more than once, trying to convey the humor I saw, but still I laughed alone. Its score remained low, perhaps because minor injuries were suffered by people in the car he hit. In the end, I heed the conscience of my readers and remove unpopular stories.

FAQ: Would you explain the categories?

There are two categories: the Darwin Award and the At Risk Survivor. Darwin Awards are given to those who can no longer reproduce. At Risk Survivors are just that: people who narrowly escaped a Darwin Award. Many of these are personal accounts, and they are some of my favorites. A near-death experience, written by the selfsame idiot who planned it and survived it, certainly serves as a sobering cautionary tale! Most events are confirmed by news reports; some are plausible eyewitness accounts lacking solid confirmation. Unconfirmed Darwin Awards and At Risk Survivors are clearly labeled.

My previous four-category organization caused confusion. There were Darwin Awards, Honorable Mentions, Personal Accounts, and Urban Legends. Each story was either confirmed or unconfirmed. Honorable Mentions were near misses, but even longtime readers often assumed that they were less astounding Darwin Awards. Personal Accounts sometimes were confirmed by news reports or eyewitnesses, causing them to overlap with both Darwin Awards and Honorable Mentions. Urban Legends elicited unfounded scuttlebut regarding the veracity of the Darwin Awards. New legends are scarce now anyway, so the category had languished. The situation is much clearer with only two categories.

FAQ: MEN, Men, men, why so many men?

I call ’em as I see ’em. I choose as many women as I can—but I can’t use material I don’t have. Most of the idiots nominated for this ignominious award are male.

Women are far more likely to be At Risk Survivors than Darwin Award winners, and many of the incidents involving a woman also involve a man. It’s difficult to come up with even one chapter per book pertaining exclusively to women. This book has no chapter on women, but the following stories do feature a femme fatale:

FAQ: Is there an actual physical Darwin Award?

No!
Who would I give it to?

This was the #1 question asked by two hundred grammar-school children at my recent book talk. “It would be great if there was an actual Darwin Award!” Recently we began to brainstorm ideas. A herd of sheep on a simple base? A small gray tombstone? R.I.P.

An official certificate? A coffin? A statue of Charles Darwin?

How about a beagle—do you get the reference? Someday there will be an actual, physical Darwin Award that you can give to a boneheaded friend.

FAQ: What are your aspirations?

To be an advisor for
MythBusters’
Darwinian episodes.
MythBusters
rocks! To publish a children’s book of the true adventures of Rock, Paper, and Scissors—squirrels I raised from babies to live in the wild. To see my T-shirts, greeting cards, pint glasses, boxers, bumper stickers in stores everywhere! To earn a Ph.D. and become a science writer who is astute and witty enough to fill the shoes of Carl Sagan.

FAQ: Are you making a TV show?

Darwin Awards: The Movie
is available on DVD. It was written and directed by Finn Taylor and filmed in the San Francisco Bay Area, using local talent. The movie stars Joseph Fiennes and Winona Ryder. Vignettes include
MythBusters
hosts Jamie and Adam, and the rock band Metallica. This movie is serious silly fun.

Wendy’s Movie Vignettes

www.DarwinAwards.com/book/movie.html

Darwin Awards: The Musical,
a sensational musical composed by Stephen Witkin, Joey Miller, and Mitch Magonet, is coming to a theatrical stage near you. When Stephen accosted me at a book signing and told me he wanted to write a musical, I reached for the Q-tips. A musical?! But his ideas and script are awesome. Beach Blanket Babylon meets Avenue Q. Great songs have been composed, and the show continues to be developed while seeking Off-Broadway producers.

Darwin Awards: The TV Show.
Last but not least, longtime Darwin artist and animator Jay Ziebarth (see his biography) is working on a TV show animating Darwin Awards vignettes. Stay tuned for more!

FAQ: I saw the Movie. Does it violate the Rules?

Producers assured me that my comments were taken under advisement, which translated into little input on the script. Regrettably, some vignettes in the movie violate the Darwin Awards Rules.

A man accidentally shoots himself while rescuing a friend. That would never become a Darwin Award. People who risk themselves to help others are heroic, not stupid!

An RV is left on autopilot while the driver and passenger entertain themselves in back. The vehicle crashes into a medical building and the result is a bloody dental disaster. Innocent bystanders are injured. That’s not allowed in a Darwin Award!

The Coke machine incident—a true event where a man shook a vending machine for a free soda and pulled it over on himself—is transformed into a series of unlikely accidents.

The final word? The movie makes me laugh out loud, even after numerous viewings. Winona’s character smokes a joint. An off-screen cameraman dogs the protagonists, citing journalistic integrity at inopportune times. Lawrence Ferlinghetti quietly reads my book in a cameo. A hilarious scene reminiscent of Lawn Chair Larry involves a Mylar balloon. Joseph Fiennes in the shower is a sight not to be missed! The cast and crew put their hearts into the movie. Buy it. Enjoy it.

FAQ: Why do we laugh at stories about death?

Laughter helps us cope with tragedy.

Why are the Darwin Awards funny? My readers are eloquent on the subject.

“Want to feel like a genius? The next time you feel foolish or incompetent, read a few. You will soon realize how brilliant you really are compared with the morons out there.”

“Just makes you feel better about your own intelligence.”

“Read these, and a bad day becomes a good one.”

“Eventually you die. That’s life. And fifty years later you die again because everybody has forgotten you. But if your exit is newsworthy, there’s a good chance you will be remembered within your own family, at least. The Darwin Award winners of today will have their memories cherished longer, by more people, than those who die peacefully in bed.”

“Whenever I get down on myself, I read one of these and I feel much smarter.”

“One truly admires those individuals whose efforts at immortality lift the veil of depression from the rest of us mortals stuck on this rock.”

“You think you’ve got troubles?”

“They make me feel like a genius.”

“Anytime I’m feeling down, I read one of these and my life doesn’t look so bad anymore!”

I see a little of myself in every story. As one of the world’s biggest klutzes my final hour will likely find me clutching a Darwin Award. If so, I know my family and friends will laugh through their tears and say, “That’s just like Wendy. Oh, she was such an idiot!”

FAQ: How can I avoid a Darwin Award?

Take a few personal pledges:

Beware the following ideas:

Heed good advice:

FAQ: Do you drive while using a cell phone?

NO! And you shouldn’t either. Humans are not equipped to use these devices safely. Cell phones take too much attention away from input you ought to attend to. Even while walking down the street a person on a cell phone does not notice the needs of others. In the supermarket you will not realize that you are causing an aisle congestion. In a car you will drive slower and more erratically.