The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (15 page)

Darwin Award: Support Group

Confirmed True by Darwin

28 JULY 2007, CZECH REPUBLIC

Gravity still works.

A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three more.

21 JUNE 2007, PHILIPPINES

Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former U.S. military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.

31 JULY 1997

Two teens were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled to the ground. They apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap, but they failed to realize the essential role the aptly named “support” plays in a 160-foot tower. One of the men was crushed by the collapse of the ten-thousand-pound tower, while the other dug himself out from under, a sadder but wiser man.

Darwin notes: These thieves are playing a deadly game of Jenga! A new target is the lead roofing of ancient churches. This entire category may soon become too common to win further Awards. See also Barn Razing.

Reference: Associated Press, CT24 News, aktualne.centrum.cz, Reuters, GMA-7 News TV, DZEC Radio

Darwin Award: Ammo Dumps

Unconfirmed

2003, IRAQ

When my unit took over an Iraqi ammunition holding area, securing this large piece of real estate was a bit of a problem. Looters periodically showed up to steal brass from the tank and artillery rounds stored in the bunkers. These guys had simple tools: hammers and chisels. And, as ninety-eight percent of Iraqis smoke, this made for an even more interesting day.

One day we saw five looters sneak into a bunker. As we made our way toward the bunker to apprehend them, the bunker exploded. It was a few days before we could get close to the demolished bunker. When we were able to investigate, we ascertained that the looters had either struck a spark while hitting a tank round with hammer and chisel, or one or all were enjoying their finest tobacco while striking the explosive. Either way, the outcome was the demise of five insurgents.

Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account

Reader Comment:

“Do I detect a special spark between us?”

Darwin Award: Thou Shalt Not Steel

Confirmed True by Darwin

8 MARCH 2008, CZECH REPUBLIC

Steel is valuable, especially the high-grade alloy used in steel cable. Scrap metal dealers do not ask questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of steel cable can be found in elevator shafts.

This particular gold mine was a towering shaft inside an empty granary near Žatec, forty miles northwest of Prague. The cable was tightly fastened, and the far end of it disappeared into the shadowy distance above.

After substantial wear and tear on a hacksaw, our man finally cut through the strong steel cable. At that instant the counterbalance, no longer held in check, started to move silently downward, accelerating until it reached the bottom of the shaft.

Result: one proud winner of a “terminal velocity” Darwin Award.

R.I.P.

Reference: zpravy.idnes.cz

Reader Comments:

“Shafted!”

“A weighty subject.”

Darwin Award: A Slow Burn

Confirmed True by Darwin

6 JULY 2006, OHIO

A rare Double Darwin!

Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their Steak Thyme sub shop so they could collect the insurance money. They promised the arsonist a sixty-thousand-dollar-a-year job, although where he would work once the shop was ashes is unknown.

Three times he tried and three times he failed to destroy the sandwich shop. Whether it was a Molotov cocktail thrown through the window, or chairs doused with gasoline and set ablaze, the result was the same. Minor damage. The neighborhood was up in arms over the apparent “hate crimes” repeatedly being committed against the two Jordanian immigrants.

Musa grew tired of throwing good money after bad. This was getting him nowhere! For the fourth arson attempt, only twelve hours after the flaming chairs fizzled, he and his son decided to help the hired hand. They spread gasoline liberally around their eatery. A single match would do the trick.

Tragically, they had more talent for arson than their amateur arsonist. They took a cigarette break and one flick of a lighter later, a gas explosion took out one wall and burned both men so severely that, despite several weeks of hospitalized care, the men died.

Reference: WCPO News, Associated Press, Coalition Against Insurance Fraud

Reader Comments:

“If you want something done right…”

“It would have been easier to just run their business….”

Darwin Award: Crutch, Meet Crotch

Confirmed True by Darwin

NOVEMBER 2007, RUSSIA

Late one night Eduard entered the apartment of a thirty-year-old handicapped man, who slept peacefully as Eduard quietly cleaned out the valuables. Eduard was preparing to leave when suddenly the man woke up.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes! The dark shape of some goon was standing next to my nightstand!” recalled the burglary victim. “I cried out and he attacked me, who was defenseless, with his fists! I had no choice. I hit him between the legs with my crutch and he leapt out the window. Thank God I live on the first floor, and he did not die from the fall.

“I did not understand at first what had fallen out of his pants. When I looked closer, I realized that it was a testicle, a man’s testicle! I put it in cold water and rushed to the phone.” The handicapped man dialed emergency services several times, but “the doctors hung up on me when I told them I had ripped a burglar’s balls off!”

Half an hour later the blood-covered thief was found lying on the sidewalk by a passerby, who called the police. When the medics revived the unconscious man, he started screaming hysterically, “Give me back my balls!”

Eduard’s genitals were so traumatized that doctors had to amputate the entire scrotum to prevent gangrene. In the hospital the burglar filed a complaint against his victim. He said, “I will never forgive him!”

Reference: cripo.com.ua

Reader Comments: