The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design (12 page)

Back in the late seventies, intelligence units in Northern Ireland were issued exploding briefcases to carry sensitive documents. These briefcases were lined with oxygen bricks. To arm the case, one simply removed a small pin next to the handle of the case. Thus armed, an opened case would instantly combust, destroying everything within a meter of it.

Because there was a half-second delay before the bricks ignited, the lids were designed to stop on a spring catch, so that no document could be rescued or photographed before it was destroyed.

To open the case safely, therefore, the sequence was:

1. 1. Make sure the arming pin is in place.
   
2. 2. Open the case.
   
3. 3. Using a thin object such as a ruler, push back the spring catch.
   
4. 4. The case will now open.
   

But in this particular case, the sequence went as follows:

1. 1. Make sure the arming pin is in place.
   
2. 2. Open the case.
   
3. 3. Look for a small thin object to push back the catch.
   
4. 4. Find none immediately available.
   
5. 5. Notice that the arming pin is a small thin object.
   
6. 6. Use the arming pin to push back the catch.
   
7. 7. Kiss one “intelligence” unit goodbye.
   

Reference: Eyewitness account, verification sought

This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in brackets for clarity.

Aircraft: Piper PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506

Injuries: 2 Fatal.

The private pilot and a pilot-rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane’s right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the copilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seat belts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals’ clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]

The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:

The pilot in command’s improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and copilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure.

[Lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, overstressing the wing and leading to a crash.]

Reference: NTSB #MIA92FA051

 

R
EADER
C
OMMENTS
:

 

“Get an autopilot!”

 

“The ultimate high!”

 

“I guess they
did
give a flying f—–.”

 

“Perhaps Durex ought to sell parachutes as well….”

 

“Well, obviously they were erotic…oh, oops, I mean erratic, pilots.”

 

 

Tamar came all the way from New York for the annual Stark Raven Mad event at the Splashin’ Safari water park at Holiday World, where members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts planned a rendezvous on Memorial Day weekend. The thirty-two-year-old eagerly looked forward to riding the Raven, later described by Spencer County Prosecutor Jon Dartt as “one of the world’s most terrifying roller coasters.”

Tamar planned what coaster enthusiasts call “catching airtime,” standing up during the ride to show bravery. The park staff warned the “spirited and intelligent” Harvard MBA, along with the rest of the group, “Don’t mess with our safety equipment.” Tamar’s seat belt and lap-bar restraint were in place when the train left the station. But you can’t catch airtime that way. Her seat belt was later found unbuckled and tucked into the seat cushions.

As the train swooped over the precipice into the “infamous drop” on the fifth turn at sixty miles per hour, where the g-forces are notoriously skyward, Tamar apparently unlatched her seat belt and stood up. The train dropped, but Tamar didn’t. She caught good air until she landed on the ground, sixty-nine feet below.

Reference:
New York Daily News, Coaster Buzz

Barbara, twenty-six, must have listened too many times to the old song “High Hopes” and its verse about a perky little fish: “And she swam, and she swam right over the dam.” But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells.

She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her twenty-four-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it—she soared over that dam like a flying fish.

Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly.

Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the police chief said, “It kind of speaks for itself.”

Reference:
Wisconsin Dells Events

“Does it really matter what these affectionate people do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses?”

—Mrs. Patrick Campbell

As Kim and Paul left the Sheffield pub, they noticed that a streetlight was burned out, creating a pool of darkness on the road. Unable to rein in their passion, they began to consummate their relationship on the asphalt outside the pub. Witnesses said the couple was lying right on the white line, kissing and cuddling.

The passionate pair were warned of the danger of their coital position not once, not twice, but three times—by a car driver, a bus driver, and a pedestrian. An off-duty paramedic honked and shouted, “You want to get up, otherwise you’ll be run over.” The man simply said “Cheers, mate,” and the paramedic heard a female laughing. A bus driver swerved to avoid them, and drove past with wheels on the curb. A concerned pedestrian shouted to warn them that another bus was headed their way.

Despite these disruptions, Kim and Paul continued, oblivious to the approach of a small, single-decker Nipper bus. The bus driver mistook the undulating shape for a bag of rubbish in the poorly lit street, and was unable to stop in time. There was a dull thud…

Kim and Paul were struck and killed at midnight. Paramedics found Kim lying on her back with her jumper pulled up, and Paul between her legs with his trousers pulled down.

The only downside to this timely removal of lunacy from the gene pool is the fate of the bus driver. Despite the couple’s irregular actions, and a police investigator’s statement that “to expect a driver to anticipate a pedestrian lying in the road is out of the ordinary,” a judge fined him for careless driving, and his license was revoked for six months. Fortunately, his employers consider him an excellent employee, and plan to give him other duties. Relatives of the victims said they were glad the driver had kept his job.

This tale surely answers the Beatles’ question,
“Why don’t we do it in the road?”

Reference: The Sun Online,
Daily Sport
(UK), www.sundaytimes.co.za,
Sheffield Star
, www.yorkshiretv.com,
Yorkshire Post

A powerful winter storm system plowed through Europe. Hurricane-force winds gusted to one hundred ten miles per hour, and massive waves pounded the seashore. One woman was anxiously watching news of “the worst storm in Denmark this century” when the TV picture suddenly became too grainy to see. The antenna on the roof had come loose and started to bang around.

Determined not to miss any information, and despite the howling winds, she decided to climb up on the roof to fix the antenna. She was blown off the roof by the hurricane winds and killed. As a consolation prize, she became a major part of the news over the next few days.

Reference (hurricane only): Numerous news articles