The Darkest of Shadows (50 page)

“Shame we didn’t meet them.”

“Only my mother’s side of the family would be crass enough to approach me at the funeral of my father and tell me how much better I look now that I’m not crazy,” I said.

“Were you crazy?” Nicholas asked hesitantly from beside me.

“Probably.” I ran my fingers up and down the back of Lawrence’s hand as it rested in my lap. “Maybe.” I shrugged. “Never officially, but I wanted to be, which I guess means that I probably wasn’t. If I can still remember enough to comprehend that I wanted to be insane, then I guess I didn’t lose my mind totally. I just wanted to escape, and losing my mind seemed like the only way to forget.”

“I see.” He hesitated for a moment and then added, “Did you really kill someone?”

I felt Lawrence stiffen beside me.

“Yes,” I answered him and found astonishingly that it was easier to say than I had thought.

A fierce thunderstorm blew up as we drove toward the airport. It was ferocious, and the heavens dumped hail and rain down in bucket loads. We took shelter in an underground carpark while the worst of the hail fell, but when Lawrence called through to the plane, they said that the storm was heading that way, and there was no chance of taking off in the next few hours, not until the storm abated some.

“We’ll drive,” Lawrence announced when he hung up. “Frost, head for the freeway and drive down to Sydney. We’re staying at the

Intercontinental.” Charlie got busy with the GPS, and before long we were heading toward Sydney with the storm raging behind us as the sun finally set on the day.

The further the car took me from Newcastle, the more I relaxed and lost the fear. I could feel myself gradually returning to myself, to the Lilly that I had become over the last few years. The Lilly who was able to eat, so much so that I made Frost stop halfway along the freeway. I found myself suddenly ravenous, and I wasn’t about to wait another hour or more until we reached the hotel.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better,” Lawrence announced, as he stole a fry from my stash.

I gave him a grin and finished the burger and fries and coke, much to his satisfaction. “I’d have rather you had eaten something a little healthier,” he admitted. “But whatever works.”

Being full and feeling much calmer than I had been in a week left me tired, so tired that I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I squirmed around so that I rested against Lawrence; he lifted his arm and put his back more toward the door so that I could cushion my head on his shoulder, and I feel asleep a second later.

“That was some of the most fucked-up shit that I’ve seen in a long time.” Nicholas spoke quietly, his attention focused on Lilly as she lay sleeping in Lawrence arms. “It’s no wonder she’s screwed up.”

Lawrence chuckled quietly. “I thought those twins were going to tackle you to the ground then and there.”

“Normally I’m all up for a bit of twin action,” Nicholas said. “But Christ, it was a fucking funeral.”

“Lilly does have some interesting relatives.”

“I can’t believe she is related to them.” Nicholas shook his head. “I understand why she moved half way around the world. I know I would have if I had to live with them.”

“She loves Reed,” Lawrence noted. “They have a special bond.”

“Yeah, but that’s her sister.”

“She doesn’t understand Lilly, though. She tries, but she sees some things differently than Lilly.”

“I’m not sure that anyone really understands Lilly,” Nicholas corrected. “Unless you have been through what she has, then I don’t think that anyone can judge what she is, or how she chooses to cope with the aftermath of that.”

Lawrence nodded. “She’s getting much better at talking about it.”

“Did she really kill someone?” Nicholas eyes stared starkly in the darkness of the night.

“Yes and no,” Lawrence replied. “There is a great deal to the story, and none of it is simple. Technically, legally, Lilly was responsible for the death of two people, but it wasn’t a conscious act on her part. It was an accident.”

Nicholas nodded in understanding. “She killed her husband and child, didn’t she?” he finally asked.

Lawrence just nodded.

“Shit. It’s no fucking wonder she went crazy.”

We arrived at the Intercontinental just past nine o’clock that night. Lawrence woke me with a gentle shake and led me through an underground carpark to an elevator, which we took straight up to the penthouse suite, skipping the reception. Back to our normal standard of accommodation.

I didn’t stop for anything, just headed straight into the bathroom and washed the past week off my body. I grabbed every piece of clothing that I had with me, threw it in a garbage bag that I found in the bathroom, and tossed it out the bedroom door. I would never wear any of it again.

Then I climbed into the huge bed, totally naked, and instantly fell deeply asleep.

I slept for sixteen hours straight. It was past lunch on the following day, Friday, when I sat up in the bed and felt OK. I pulled a robe from the back of the bathroom door and strolled out into the lounge.

Charlie, Frost, Nicholas and Lawrence were lazing around the room. Charlie and Frost were, not surprisingly, watching American football. Lawrence and Nicholas looked like they might have at one point been watching the game, but now they were both relaxing on the loungers in conversation with each other.

“Isn’t this just a beautiful picture of domestic bliss and happiness?” I said as I walked over to Lawrence. He made room for me on the lounger, so that I could slide in beside him.

“Are we?” Lawrence asked in serious query.

“We are.” I grinned at him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Don’t suppose that anyone ordered any room service?” I asked innocently.

“Well, we thought about it,” Charlie shot over his shoulder. “But we weren’t exactly sure which meal we should be ordering. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner.” He shrugged. “You looked set to sleep through them all.”

“I seriously considered it,” I replied with an answering grin. “But I got hungry.”

Lawrence picked up the phone beside him and ordered a quick selection of food sent up. I hoped they were quick; there had to be some benefit from booking the penthouse.

“How are you feeling?” Lawrence asked.

“Much better,” I assured him. He looked stressed, and I was worried that I was the one causing that strain in his face. I reached up and traced the darkness under one eye. “After I eat, we need to talk,” I told him, and he nodded in response.

“Has anyone seen my phone?” I glanced around but couldn’t find my purse, and then both Lawrence and Nicholas’s phones appeared before me. I laughed. “Just one will do, thanks.” I grabbed Lawrence’s, because I knew he would have the number stored in the phone, and I wasn’t sure I remembered it off the top of my head.

“Who are you calling?” Lawrence asked curiously.

“I’m finding a babysitter, so that we can have the night off,” I told him and it was his turn to laugh.

“I like that idea,” he admitted.

“I don’t,” Nicholas said from the other lounger. “Remember, I lived here for nearly five years, Lilly; I don’t need a tour guide.”

“Yes, but how long ago was that?” I asked him. “Things change fast in this city, and I don’t think that the places you patronized back then would be quite as appropriate for the billionaire Nicholas Janis who sits before me today.”

He didn’t comment, so I was pretty sure he got my point. I found the number and pressed the button to connect the call.

“Lawrence. I thought you were still unavailable.” Patrick’s voice echoed down the line.

“Hi, Patrick,” I greeted him. “It’s Lilly.”

“Oh, sorry, Lilly.” Patrick apologized. “Are you guys back at the office?” He paused. “Is everything OK? We just got a message from Allan that said you were both unavailable, and that was nearly a week ago.”

“We’re fine, Patrick.” It was kind of nice that he was worried. “We’re actually here.”

“Here?” Patrick sounded confused and mildly cautious. “Define here.”

“Here, as in sitting in the penthouse of the Intercontinental in Sydney.”

“No fucking way!” he gasped. “What the hell are you doing in Sydney?” he asked, then abruptly his manner changed. “Is something wrong? Am I in trouble?”

“No, nothing like that,” I calmed him. “My dad died, and I had to come back for the funeral.”

“Oh, sorry,” he stammered. “Sorry, Lilly, I didn’t know.”

“That’s OK. I’m OK now.”

“Can I do anything?”

“Funny that you should ask.” I laughed down the line. “I’m in need of a babysitter,” I told him and waited for the expected question.

“Ah, who exactly am I supposed to be babysitting?” he asked. “And why?”

“Lawrence and I need some time alone,” I said. “But I don’t want Nicholas to go running around the city by himself. He’ll get into trouble, and I kind of like him whole and healthy.”

“You brought Nicholas?” Patrick asked in surprise.

“Yep.”

“Awesome.” He sounded genuinely thrilled. “So you want me to take him out and show him how we do it down here in Aussie land.”

“Something like that.”

“I’ll be there to pick him up at six,” he said; then, just before I was about to hang up, he added, “Oh, and Lilly, tell him to dress down a bit. I don’t want to get mugged on Oxford street because he’s wearing ten-thousand-dollar shoes.” I hung up on him.

Charlie and Frost had rooms next to the penthouse, and Nicholas had the second bedroom adjoining ours, which he wouldn’t be using now that Patrick was taking him out and about. Lawrence told both Charlie and Frost to have the night off, something that Frost wasn’t too thrilled about at first, but once Lawrence assured him that he and I would not be stepping foot outside the door, he was more willing to go along with the plan. They both decided to follow along with Patrick, which made me happier, because I was sure that Frost would keep them all out of trouble.

Patrick was perfectly punctual and burst into the room in a haze of excitement. He gave me a hug and shook hands with Lawrence, a friendly greeting that showed how much had changed now that he wasn’t fighting for me.

Charlie and Frost were ready to go, but it took a little while longer before Patrick was happy with how Nicholas looked. Apparently Nicholas had been so appalled by the clothes he was forced to wear that first thing this morning he had gone out shopping and was now in possession of a much healthier array of stylish clothes, none of which Patrick was terribly pleased with. It took a wardrobe change before he deemed him suitably underdressed to grace the nightclubs of inner Sydney.

“We’re going to the Ivy bar,” Patrick announced happily, as he ushered them all out the door. “And Nicholas is going to get us onto the top floor.” I must have looked like I wasn’t following that statement, because he grinned and added, “It’s all about how much money you have Lilly. The more money you have, the higher you climb in life. Same with the Ivy bar—the more money, the higher the floor. Tonight, Nicholas is going to get us onto the top floor.”

“But I thought you were slumming it?” I asked in confusion.

Patrick laughed. “Nicholas’s underdressed will still shit all over everyone else,” he assured me.

“OK. Well, have fun then.” I caught a glimpse of Nicholas through the door and laughed. He looked bored already.

.

Nineteen

It was quiet when they all left; the space which moments ago had been filled with life and vibrancy was now devoid of warmth.

I grabbed Lawrence’s hand and pulled him after me into the bedroom. I shut the doors behind him so that it was just us, just the two of us in this one room, no interruptions, no excuses, no barriers.

I plucked his phone out of his pocket and turned it to silent.

“I think it’s time we talked,” I told him, as I crossed the room and crawled over the bed to sit cross-legged in the middle of it. “Really talked.”

He was wearing a pair of jeans, a recent addition from when we were in Newcastle, and one of his business shirts, but he had rolled the sleeves up and left the top few buttons open. He hadn’t bothered with shoes or socks. He looked the most casual I had ever seen him.

“OK.” He watched me closely, then walked across the room and sat down on the end of the bed, facing me.

“I love you, Lawrence.” I wanted to say it, had wanted to say it for a while. “But it scares the shit out of me.”

“I know.”

“I wanted you to know that before I said anything else,” I told him. “My story is long, and it’s complicated, and I’m complicated and scary and frightened and probably a little bit crazy, too. But I’m not confused about that part. I do love you, and I need you to know that whatever happens, that won’t change.”

“I love you too, Lilly.” His voice was serious, his expression calm and measured.

“I know I’ve told you little bits and pieces about my past,” I started. “I’ve never actually told this to anyone, so I’m not exactly sure where to start, how to start, but I’ll try and make some sense out of it.” I took a deep breath.

I counted in my head; it was easy. “Five years, seven months, twelve days ago, I killed my husband and my eighteen-month-old son.”

He was silent, neither condemning or accepting. “How?” he finally asked.

“Christmas Day.” I shuddered. “I hate Christmas.”

“I remember.”

“We had been at Dad’s house for Christmas dinner,” I told him. “Rowan, that’s my son. He had been teething the few days before that, so he hadn’t been sleeping, and he was off his food and just not very happy. He was unsettled that night, and we were going to stay at Dad’s house, but Rowan just wouldn’t sleep, and I knew that a drive would help him, so I decided to go back home. It was only half an hour to where we lived, not far. Harry, my husband, he and Duncan had been drinking, and so had Reed and I, but I’d only had one, not enough that I thought I couldn’t drive. Everyone told me not to go, that we should stay, that it was late and I was tired. I didn’t realize how tired I was, but all I could think was that it would be easier at home.” Tears had started to fall as I was speaking, and I couldn’t stop them. “I hadn’t slept much the last few nights because of Rowan, and then Harry fell asleep when we were driving home, and Rowan too. It was so quiet and peaceful. I remember noticing how quiet, because we had just been with Reed and the boys, and they were so loud, and then the car was so quiet and everyone was asleep.”