The Darker Side of Pleasure (13 page)

Cam woke in the dark to an empty bed. He knew immediately something was very wrong. He felt the stillness in the house even before he went outside to find Jillian’s car gone.

No. He would not lose her like this.

It was early, barely six
A.M
., but he knew where she would be. The sky lit with the pale blush of impending dawn as he drove the route to Briana’s place. The streets were silent, lonely, laced with wisps of fog.

Why had he pushed her so hard? He’d thought he was doing it for her own good, for the good of their marriage. But how much of it had been purely for his own desires? And now he’d pushed her away.

He knew she’d had some sort of emotional breakthrough last night at the end of their play session. He’d read about that happening, and he’d thought he had handled it the right way. But maybe it was simply too much for her. He loved what they’d been doing together. But not more than he loved her. He needed to tell her that.

When he pulled up in front of Briana’s, Jillian’s car was parked out front.

Briana opened the door at his knock. She was wearing sweats and her hair was mussed, but she didn’t look angry. That was a good start, he guessed.

“I need to talk to my wife.”

Briana looked away, then swung her gaze back to his. “She asked me not to let you in. But I think she needs you.”

He started to move past her, into the house, but she put a hand on his arm. “Cam, she’s very fragile right now. Very raw.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“Okay. She’s in my room.”

He found her in Briana’s bed, wrapped in a white down quilt. A cup of tea sat on the nightstand beside her. He could smell the chamomile and the sweet tang of honey.

Jillian turned her head away from him as he sat down beside her. “I can’t talk to you now, Cam.”

He could hear the weight of grief in her voice and his heart ached for her.

“I think we need to talk. Right now.”

“Please, Cam—”

“No, Jillian. You can’t run away from it anymore. That’s what this is all about. Don’t you see that?”

“All I see is that it hurts too much.”

“I know. But it’s time to stop hurting. It’s time to stop blaming yourself.”

Her head whipped around. Her eyes were huge, her lashes damp with tears. “How did you know?”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“No. It was my fault. You don’t understand why, but it was. And I can’t stand to lie to you anymore. I can’t stand to be with you and feel everything I’m feeling, finally. I love you too much, and you deserve better.” The tears spilled over onto her pale cheeks. She said in a whisper, “I lost the baby because I didn’t want it.”

The admission was almost too much to bear. The words tore through her chest, into her heart, but she had to say it. Had to say the whole thing out loud.

She looked into Cameron’s eyes. They were dark with strain, his brows furrowed. “It was my fault, Cam, because I didn’t want the baby.”

“What? What do you mean?”

She went on, the words tearing like shards of broken glass as they left her mouth. “I didn’t want it. Not at first. We weren’t prepared. We hadn’t planned on ever having children. After the first three months, when the morning sickness was gone and I’d had some time to accept how much our lives were going to change, I started to really love the baby. But it was too late.” Her voice broke on a sob and she pressed a hand to her mouth.

“Oh, my God, Jillian. You have to know that’s not true. You’ve been carrying this around with you this whole time? Jesus.” His voice was thick with emotion. “You have to let this go.”

She shook her head. “It hurts too much, Cam. Especially now.”

“Why now?”

“After…after last night. It was as if my whole being just opened up. And everything came pouring out. Good stuff, but the bad stuff, too. It’s like I’ve been split wide open. It was too much, realizing how much I’d hurt you. How much damage I’ve done. I feel…irredeemable.”

“Is that why you came here? Why you felt you had to get away?”

The pain in her chest was fierce, burning. “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Cam. I don’t think I can be with you and feel like this.” She began to shake all over.

“No, honey. Don’t say that.” Cam tried to take her in his arms, but she shook him off. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her now.

“Don’t pull away. I can’t lose you, Jillian. I won’t.”

He reached for her again, and again she tried to fight, but in a moment his arms were around her and she couldn’t get away. She struggled in his grasp, but the tears were starting again, making her weak. It hurt so much! She couldn’t bear to feel so much at once. Cam’s embrace was too warm. There was too much love there. She couldn’t stand what she was doing to him.

He held her tight. “Baby, baby, no. Come on, let me hold you. I love you, Jillian.”

She went still in his arms, too tired now to fight. But the tears poured down her face, her mind a mass of confusion.

“We can get through this, honey. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Not if you let me be there with you.”

She sniffed, wiped her face with a corner of the quilt. “How can you not hate me?”

“It wasn’t your fault. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. You didn’t lose the baby because you wished it away. You lost it because that was the way it was meant to be. And if it’s just the two of us for the rest of our lives, then that’s okay. As long as I have you, I have everything.”

“You deserve more, Cam. You deserve better.”

“I don’t want anything but you. If I haven’t made you feel that, then that’s my fault, not yours.” He held her face in his strong, warm hands. “Be with me, Jillian. You’re all I want.”

She heard the sincerity in his voice. Saw it in his eyes. And something about it made her heart open up, but this time it felt good. She let her body relax and leaned into him. Relief washed over her in a warm tide as his words hit home.

“I thought I had to let you go, Cam.”

“Never. We’ll never lose each other again. I promise you that.”

His gray gaze was more intense than it had ever been, and she saw the pure emotion there. And suddenly she understood.

“You’ve been carrying some guilt, too.”

He looked surprised for a moment, then said simply, “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I couldn’t fix it for you.”

“Oh, Cam.” She slid a hand around the back of his neck. His skin was warm there. “Nobody else could fix this.”

“I know that. But still, it was my responsibility. And I failed.”

She could see how hard it was for him to say that, and she knew why. “You’re not your father, Cam.”

“I’m no better than he was if I let you down.”

“But you never did.” How was it possible that he thought he had? He’d always been there for her. She was the one who had turned her back on their marriage. And he was the one who kept fighting so hard to get it back. And they had, she realized. Why had she thought it was over?

“Cam, I love you so much.”

His tight features softened. “Then come home with me. Let’s keep trying. I need you with me, Jillian.”

“I need you, too. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know why I ever thought I could.”

He leaned in and kissed her with that lush mouth of his, and the warm safety of his love swept through her. They would get through this. Together. And for some reason, that knowledge made her feel stronger than she had in a long time. Stronger than ever before.

“Let’s go home, Cam.”

CHAPTER ONE

T
HE SUN WAS JUST SETTING IN A BLAZE OF
orange and pink flame as Cassandra drove along the Pacific Coast Highway. Her hands tight on the steering wheel, she scanned the street signs, looking for her turnoff into the Pacific Palisades area of the Malibu hills.

There it was, Pacific Crest Road. She made a right turn and wove her way up the narrow, twisting lane. Million-dollar homes up there, with million-dollar views of the ocean. But she wasn’t thinking about any of that right now. She was thinking only of why she was there. Of what would happen to her on her first visit to Master Robert’s home.

Training house, she corrected herself. Her sex gave an involuntary squeeze.

She flashed back to the first time she’d seen his ad on the Internet site she’d found.

“Experienced trainer looking for a female submissive. If you are new to the BDSM lifestyle and are in need of proper training, please contact me. Inexperience is an asset, not a liability. References provided upon request. Serious inquiries only.”

The ad read like a simple statement of every one of her darkest fantasies. Fantasies she had ever only dared to imagine until now.

The Internet. This was something she had shied away from, believing only perverts (but what, really, was she?) lurked there. But here was someone who understood the kind of deep yearning she so often felt. Someone who could see that inexplicable, aching void that was invisible to the people in her everyday life. She’d felt an immediate sense of community with this stranger whom she’d sensed instantly would know the emptiness inside her, that cavernous hole waiting to be filled up in a way “normal” people could never understand. Someone who accepted that dark place she had kept secret, tightly locked within herself for fear of what others might think.

She knew immediately this man was earnest. The wannabes all had ads saying things like
“Come to Daddy, you bad girl.”
This man was the real thing. And exactly what she needed. To be trained; taught. He did not expect her to know anything. She’d felt a strange sense of relief reading his words as her body went warm and weak all over, even as the idea of serving him brought back that old need for perfection. But this time, it would be for him. She would serve him perfectly.

She downshifted and her car climbed as the street steepened. The scent of eucalyptus trees filtered in even through her closed windows.

She’d brought Master Robert’s ad up on her computer screen over and over before she’d finally dared to answer. His reply had been quick, terse. Following his instructions they had met at a small café in Santa Monica, where she lived and worked at a trendy clothing boutique. There they had talked over coffee about her desires, about what she could expect from him. It had all seemed ideal. And so odd to have that conversation in the middle of the busy café, among the casual crowd in their sweats and T-shirts. Master Robert had been dressed in what she supposed was his version of casual: a pair of Armani slacks and a black cashmere sweater that were an elegant contrast to his dark gray hair.

He was the most naturally dominant person she had ever met in her life.

Caught in her musings, she almost missed the house. A pair of iron gates were partially obscured behind tall hedges and eucalyptus trees. She rolled down her window to ring the buzzer on the security box, and the rich scent of the trees flowed in along with the sea-tainted air. Her damp fingers flexed on the steering wheel, her heart hammered in her chest. She waited.

It seemed as though several minutes passed before a female voice came over the system.