The Dark Side (14 page)

“What sort of toys?” My Glock could do some damage but I figured whatever Tommy was offering might be more fun. Just what the doctor ordered.

“Let me choose. I’ve got a couple of things that make nice big holes. That should blow the blues off your back.”

“Perfect. How come you always know what I need?”

“Darlin’, I live to serve, you know that. And for you, Agent Watson?”

“I’ll use my gun,” Esme said coolly.

“You’re losing your touch, Tommy,” I teased.

His grin faded as he stepped out from behind the front desk. “And now I’m hurt. As I should be. You haven’t been around here for quite some time, sweetheart. And I hear things.”

Shit. He was right. I hadn’t been here since I’d changed. And he was letting me know he knew I was a werewolf. I raised my eyes and met his. “Do you have a problem with the things you hear?”

He grinned again. “You going to bite me or my customers?” He included Esme in the question as he looked from me to her.

I wrinkled my nose. “Hardly. I know where you’ve been.”

This time he laughed out loud. “Then we’re good. And I’m looking forward to seeing if your new reflexes can improve that tragic inclination of yours to pull to the left. You might even be able to handle something with a bit more kick now.”

* * *

Turns out that shooting stuff was exactly what I needed. I blew holes in targets and holograms until my fingers started to cramp. As a bonus, Tommy was right. I was stronger now. No more being jolted backward by recoil.

“Feeling better?” Esme asked as I stepped away from the range, double checked the gun was clear of ammunition and then put it with the others waiting for cleaning.

Her tone made me look up. “Better than what?” I wriggled my fingers to ease them. I could handle more kick but that didn’t mean the different grips and size of the guns I’d been trying hadn’t stretched my hand in unfamiliar ways.

Esme met my gaze squarely. “Than whatever it is that has you so cranky lately.”

Tommy shot me a look then gathered up his guns and left us alone in the empty range.

“Cranky?” I said.

“Angry. Aggravated.
Bitchy
,” she clarified. “You’ve been giving everyone a hard time for weeks.”

“No, I haven’t,” I said automatically.

Esme shook her head. “Yes, you have.”

“Well, you’re hardly sweetness and light yourself today,” I pointed out. In fact, she’d blown away just as many targets as I had.

“We’re not talking about me.”

Her denial was a little too fast and I realized I was onto something. Esme was cranky and not just about me. I cocked my head, smelling the ozone tang of annoyed cat and suddenly it hit me. That’s why Andy’s scent was so familiar. He smelled like Esme. “Ramirez is a cat shifter,” I said slowly.

There weren’t that many big cat weres in America. Esme was the only jaguar in Seattle, and there were no other cats working for the Taskforce in Washington.

“So?” Esme said.

“So maybe that’s why you’re snapping at me.”

“That man has no impact on my mood,” she snapped.

I tried not to smile. I knew denial when I heard it. Maybe this was a territorial thing...or, I reconsidered, trying to work out what exactly could get Esme so annoyed, maybe an
attraction
thing. I tried not to smile. “Really? You’re a cat, he’s a cat...what sort of cat is he, by the way?”

She scowled. “If you think I’m interested in knowing what species that man is, then you’re mistaken.”

I could almost see a bristling tail lashing behind her. Push a cat too far and you wound up scratched. “Well, he’s your partner now.”

“And you’re trying to change the subject,” she said coolly. “What’s going on? You and Dan are arguing all the time.”

I winced. Damn. I hadn’t realized the agents had noticed the tension between us. Jase knew but I hadn’t talked about it with Esme. She’d known Dan a lot longer than she’d known me. I didn’t want to put her in the middle.

“Are you still seeing your counselor?”

Color filled my cheeks. The Taskforce and the pack had provided counseling after I’d changed but I’d kind of stopped going.

“It might help. Something’s obviously wrong.” She looked me up and down. “And you’ve been through a lot.” Sympathy softened her tone.

“I—”

“You have to do something, Ash. Like I said, the bitch thing is getting tired.”

My whole body went hot. Guilt and embarrassment was not a pleasant combination. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be.”

“You could talk to me,” Esme said gently which only made me feel worse. “What’s the problem you and Dan are having? Is it the case?”

“Not completely,” I admitted. “But that isn’t helping. He’s just being...overprotective.”

“People
have
tried to kill you.”

“I know,” I said, hearing frustration rise in my voice. How could I explain it? “And I’m grateful to be protected but he never
asks
. He just lays down the law. And even when I agree to what he wants, he always wants that little bit more.”

“He is a werewolf,” Esme pointed out. “And he’s an alpha.”

I sighed. “That’s half the problem. So am I.”

Esme looked confused for a moment then understanding dawned. “Oh.”

“I’ve tried to tell him but he doesn’t listen. I just want to have a say in my own life.” I ran my hands through my hair, straightening the bits mussed up by the ear protectors. “I don’t know what else to do. You’re pretty alpha, how do you handle it?”

She shook her head. “It’s not quite the same for cats. We don’t have packs. There’s not as much hierarchy. And we don’t bond the same way as wolves do.” She looked a little wistful.

“Trust me, bonding isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not that I even know if we are bonded,” I muttered the last bit but Esme heard me anyway.

“You need to talk to Ani about this.”

I turned back to the range, staring at the rows of paper targets with their hearts blasted out. I knew how they felt. I wasn’t sure I was up to letting Ani see my wounds. “I know.”

“You should talk to her soon. We could go now.”

“I thought you said there was a meeting this morning?”

Esme smoothed her hair, which hadn’t even rumpled with the ear protectors. “Well, you can go to the meeting you’re already late for and fight with Dan some more, or you can go talk to Ani and try and work out how to stop fighting. Your choice.”

“Can I choose just staying here and shooting things?”

“Nope. Call Ani.”

* * *

I knocked on Ani and Sam’s front door then stepped back and waited. Now that I was here, I was nervous. What if Ani didn’t have the answers I needed? If my Alpha couldn’t help me figure out how to make Dan and I work, then I was in serious trouble. I took another step back and bumped into Esme standing behind me. I jumped forward again and she pointed at the door, looking stern. Crap. Even if I wanted to bail, she wouldn’t have let me.She definitely came from the school of tough love. I swallowed and stared at the door. The sound of footsteps pounding down the hallway inside practically vibrated against my ears and the door flew open.

“Hi, Ms. Keenan. Mom’s coming.” Caleb, Ani’s oldest son, grinned up at me then turned and bolted back down the hall, dodging around Ani as she walked toward me.

“He’s feeling a little rambunctious,” she said, smiling after Caleb. The sounds of a squeal then a peal of laughter sounded from the depths of the house.

“No school today?” I asked.

“No. Lucky me. I’ve got the whole horde home.”

Ani sounded half-amused, half-frustrated. Her rust-colored shirt had a streak of flour on one sleeve and her red hair was escaping the green scarf she’d wrapped around it, short curls springing out in several directions.

I didn’t know how she did it, running the pack, a web design business, and raising three kids. “If it’s a bad time, I can come back.”

She shot me a look. “I think it’s about time we talked, don’t you?”

The tone was Alpha-with-a-capital-A. Which I took to mean she’d been expecting me to turn up on her doorstep before now. I definitely wasn’t getting out of this little chat. I followed her through the house to her office and parked myself on the overstuffed old sofa that took up half of one wall.

“You look tired,” Ani said as she settled herself on the other end, sitting cross-legged. Her dark jeans had flour streaks that matched her shirt.

I shrugged. “Long day yesterday.” Tired had become kind of a default state of being for the last few months. I could go for longer on less sleep now that I was a werewolf but that didn’t mean that I enjoyed it.

Another squeal of laughter broke the silence and Ani leaned across to close the door. Which only muted the noise to a dull roar.

“Caleb’s birthday is coming up, isn’t it?” I asked. His thirteenth birthday. Children born of werewolves usually underwent their first change around that age. Not all of them survived, though there hadn’t been anyone lost in our pack for a long time. Still, I felt guilty that I was adding to Ani’s problems at a time when she had more than enough on her plate.

“Next month,” she agreed neutrally. “What can I do for you, Ashley? Are you here about Dan?”

I squirmed a little. “What makes you think it’s Dan?”

“Ash, the day I can’t read tension in my own pack members is the day Sam and I will hang up our Alpha hats and retire to Hawaii. You two have been avoiding us but, as the saying goes, you can run but you can’t hide.”

True enough. Running certainly hadn’t been getting me anywhere anyway. “It’s not just Dan,” I said.

“Well, do you want to start with him or the other stuff?”

“The other stuff.”

Ani made an encouraging sound and I tried to work out exactly how to ask the question without sounding clueless. As always, Ani’s scent—a mix of deep green wilderness, the spice and home smell of the pack and a thread of fire that was hers alone—had a calming effect on me. I sank a little deeper in the sofa, hugging a cushion to me. “I need to know if I can shield from a vampire; from someone trying to read my mind or influence me.”

“Nothing can protect you if you’re thralled,” Ani said slowly.

“I know that part.” I wasn’t planning on gazing into any vamp’s eyes and letting them take me over any time soon. I needed to know how to deal with the other powers they could wield. “But some of them can do things without thralling you, can’t they?”

“Uh-huh.” She nodded, and then tilted her head, big green eyes darkening a little. “Anyone in particular been bothering you?”

Might as well go with the truth while I was here. “I’m doing a job for Lord Esteban. To pay off my debt to Marco,” I added quickly when her mouth dropped open a little. “He pulled some sort of voodoo on me at his club.”

“Define ‘voodoo.’” There was a definite rumble underscoring the words. Mama Wolf didn’t like anyone messing with her pack.

I looked away. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“From what I hear he’s pretty good at turning people on,” Ani said. “Would that be in the ballpark?”

I nodded then shivered, feeling cold all over again. “He didn’t even
touch
me. At least Tate had to thrall me to make me do what he wanted.”

“And you’re worried that Esteban might not have to?”

“Dan said—” I broke off. I didn’t want to think about the scenario Dan had outlined too hard. “Dan said that he wasn’t as affected. That I could learn how to shield.”

“You can. How well depends on your natural talent for it.”

I leaned forward. “How exactly?”

“Shielding partly depends on the person’s force of will.” Ani grinned at me suddenly. “Somehow, I don’t think you’ll have a problem.”

“Dan said I had to learn from an Alpha.”

Ani nodded. “Plus it’s usually better if a woman learns from a woman.”

“Why?”

“I think it boils down to the fact that male and female brains don’t work in quite the same way. Girls can explain how it works in a way that makes sense to girls.”

“So Dan didn’t teach me because he hasn’t got ovaries?”

“I’d guess Dan didn’t teach you or ask me if I had because he’s running himself just as ragged as you are. And I doubt he was planning for you to be tangling with Esteban.”

I scowled.

“What?” Ani asked.

“You asked what was going on with me and Dan. That’s it in a nutshell. He’s trying to run my life.”

Ani leaned back against the couch, rubbing one jean-clad thigh thoughtfully. “He’s used to being in charge.”

“So am I. Jase says we’re both alpha.”

“He’s right.”

I blew out a breath. “So how do you make it work? How do you and Sam figure things out?”

“Well, for one thing we didn’t fight the bonding process quite as hard as you two seem to be doing.”

“Pardon?”

“Bonding isn’t as simple as the chemical reaction. You have to make the emotional commitment. From what I can tell, you’re both holding back.”

“Because he keeps trying to run my life,” I said. “I can’t just lie down and surrender control. I want a partner, not a keeper. Which is why I’m here asking you how to fix this.”

“The same way you fix anything, hard work and persistence and a little love,” she said gently. “If you want each other then you’ll both have to give a little. You want me to get Sam to talk to Dan?”

“Will it help?”

“At this point the question is more will it make things any worse? Sam and I have done this before. Sure, the two of you are more evenly matched dominance-wise than most couples in the pack but it can work. If you want it to. You called claim on him, so I have to assume you did at the point. Has that changed?”

I studied the row of framed children’s drawings on the wall, the most basic proof of Sam and Ani’s love for each other. Did I want that with Dan? Children? Marriage? Forever? It all felt overwhelming right now. Still, if I walked away from Dan, when we were partly bonded, I might be walking away from any sort of a future with another werewolf. I couldn’t see many humans wanting to take a werewolf on.

And, deep down, I didn’t want to give up on Dan and me. Not while we still had a chance.

“Well?” Ani prompted.

“It hasn’t changed. But I don’t know if it can work if Dan won’t let me be me.”