The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag (35 page)

‘He
tricked me, I told you. I underestimated him. He pulled it off in the least
most obvious of all least most obvious ways. He never really meant to get me in
my dreams, it was all a trick. All a trick so that I would enter the Necronet
and walk right into a trap.’

‘I don’t
understand the nature of this trap. This was a trap inside the Necronet.’

‘No, it
was out here. The least most obvious place for it to be. He had Roger Vulpes
contact his fiancée in her dreams. She always dreamed of him, so that part was
easy.’

‘And
Roger Vulpes’ fiancée was whom?’

‘My
chauffeur.’

‘Carry
on.’

‘Roger
Vulpes spoke to her in her dreams. And while she was asleep he had her take off
her gloves. She couldn’t have done that while she was awake, she didn’t’ have
my permission.’

‘Ah
yes,’ said the doctor. ‘These were the special gloves you’d made for her, the
ones with the pleaser linings.’

‘Exactly.
I never noticed that she’d taken them off. I never noticed.’

‘So
what did she do?’

‘At the
downloading suite in the Necrosoft Headquarters. After I’d been downloaded
into the Necronet, she switched the headsets. Mine and this bastard whose body
I’m now in. She switched them. When Henry Doors uploaded us, he uploaded me
into this body and him into mine.

‘Very
cunning,’ said the doctor. ‘Very clever plan.’

‘Just
let me make the phone call. Let me call Henry Doors, he’ll know when I tell
him, when I speak to him, he’ll know it’s me.’

‘The
number you gave us has been disconnected,’ said the doctor. ‘This Henry Doors
of yours seems to have gone to ground, as it were.’

‘Let me
free, you bastard! Let me free!’

‘I
think that’s enough,’ said the doctor. ‘You are clearly in a delusional state.
We’d best get you some medication to calm you down.’

‘No!
Don’t do that! No!’

The
doctor reached for the little button on his desk and pushed it. The office door
opened and a large male nurse stood looming.

‘Nurse
Cecil,’ said the doctor. ‘Please take Mr, well, Mr
Whomever-he-thinks-he-is-today back to his room, and—’

‘Administer
the medication, sir?’

‘Administer
the medication, yes.’

‘No!
No! No! No! No!’

‘Shall
I use the large needle, sir?’

‘The
very large one, nurse, yes please.’

I was hauled from the
office and out into the corridor, booted along it and back into my room.

Well, I
say my room.

But of
course
I
wasn’t
me
any more, was I?

The
body might have once been mine.

But the
mind that now dwelt within it was not.

It was
the mind of Billy Barnes.

And so I gave him a
kicking before I administered the medication.

Well, I
say
I.

I mean
of course Nurse Cecil.

Except
that Nurse Cecil’s memory and personality had been temporarily downloaded into
the Necronet and mine had been temporarily relocated inside his head. Well, you
wouldn’t begrudge me that extra little bit of triumph, would you?

‘Here,
shithead,’ I said to Billy Barnes. ‘You’ll never guess what I intend to do with
this electric cattle prod.’

WAKE UP, CHIEF!

‘Oh, Barry, thanks, did I
doze off again?’

‘You
did, chief, you were dreaming you were Billy Barnes.’

‘Was
that a nice dream, Barry, or a nightmare?’

‘Probably
a nice dream, chief, considering how things really worked out.’

‘They
didn’t work out too well then?’

‘Not
too well.’

‘But I
can’t remember what happened. I’m all confused, things just keep going round in
circles again and again and again.’

‘Like a
serpent with its tail in its mouth, chief.’

‘Just
like that, Barry. Why is it so dark in here?’

‘The
cupboard door’s locked.’

‘Which
cupboard’s that?’

‘The
one where Billy keeps the voodoo handbag.’

‘What
voodoo handbag?’

‘The
one in the story.’ What story?’

‘The
one that we’re in. ‘And who are we?’

We’re
skulls on the voodoo handbag, chief.’

‘What
voodoo handbag?’

‘The
one in the story.’

‘What
story?’

‘The
one that we’re in.’

‘And
who are we?’

‘We’re
skulls on a voodoo handbag.’

‘What
voodoo handbag?’

‘The
one in the story.’ What story?’

‘The one
that we’re in.’

‘And
who are we?’

‘We’re—’

WAKE UP, CHIEF!

‘Oh, Barry, thanks. Did I
doze off again?’

‘You
did, chief. And you mustn’t do that. Not in your important role as World
Leader.’

‘Oh,
yes. We pulled it off, didn’t we? And you helped, I know you helped.’

‘I
might have slipped the occasional bit of inspiration in here and there, chief,
made the lady chauffeur doze off at the appropriate moment so Roger could get
your message to her, things of that nature.’

‘You’re
a good lad, Barry. A regular Holy Guardian.’

‘I aim
to please, chief, I aim to please. Although sometimes I wonder.’

Wonder
what, Barry?’

Wonder
what we all sometimes wonder, I suppose, chief—’

WHETHER I’M DREAMING

YOU,

OR YOU’RE DREAMING

ME.

NECROSOFT WORLDWIDE NEWSFLASH

In an act of supreme mercy
and humanitarianism, World Leader Billy Barnes ordered an eleventh-hour stay of
execution for the revolutionary variously known as Lazlo Woodbine, Carlos the
Chaos Cockroach et al. The World Leader said that he had no wish to take the
life of a being so sadly deluded and utterly harmless. The death penalty would
never again be used, he said. And the revolutionary would receive treatment at
a secure institution.

In a
move that stunned the world, Mr Barnes also chose this moment to announce that
he is stepping down from office. In future, he said, democratically elected
representatives of the people will rule in his place.

He also
announced that, as of today, Necrosoft Industries would cease trading.

The world
awaits further news.

‘Nice
one, chief.’

‘Thanks,
Barry.’