The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (9 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E:
“Uh … actually, that WOULD be your fault if you hit a baby in the parking lot.”
C
USTOMER:
“Why would that be MY fault? Babies aren’t supposed to be in parking lots!”
S
WIMMING
P
OOL |
O
NTARIO,
C
ANADA
(A coworker and I are sitting in a booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads “We Do Not Accept $100 Bills” is hanging on the gate)
C
USTOMER:
“All right, it’s for me and my two kids.”
(The customer attempts to pay with a $100 bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)
M
E:
“I’m sorry, we can’t accept $100 bills.”
C
USTOMER:
“But it’s all I have!”
M
E:
“Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept $100 bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”
C
USTOMER:
“No, but I have this $100!”
M
E:
“Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept $100 bills.”
C
USTOMER:
“But it’s all I have!”
(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)
M
E:
“Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”
C
USTOMER:
“But it’s all I have!”
M
E:
“Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”
C
USTOMER:
“But it’s all I have!”
C
ASINO |
B
OSSIER
C
ITY,
L
OUISIANA
(A woman walks up to my blackjack table and sits down without putting any money up for her bet. I assume she’s waiting for the end of the shoe.)
W
OMAN:
“H
OW
come I didn’t get a hand?”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, you didn’t have your bet up when the cards came out. I’ll get you on the next.”
(When I get ready to deal the next, I tap the bet box in front of her.)
M
E:
“You comin’ in?”
W
OMAN:
“Yes.”
M
E:
“It’s a fifteen-dollar table.”
W
OMAN:
“What?”
M
E:
“Table minimum is fifteen.”
W
OMAN:
“I have to pay to play?”
M
E:
“Well, if you win, I’ll give you fifteen more and you get to keep all of it.”
W
OMAN:
“What happens if I don’t win?”
M
E:
“At that point it becomes the casino’s money.”
W
OMAN:
“That’s stealing!”
M
E:
“No, that’s gambling.”
M
AKEUP
S
TORE |
N
EW
Y
ORK,
N
EW
Y
ORK
C
USTOMER:
“I really don’t like having my face touched.”
M
E:
“This is a makeup store, so I have to touch your face.”
C
USTOMER:
*sighs*
(I apply the makeup as gently as possible but at one point the brush bumps the side of her nose.)
M
E:
“I’m sorry about that.”
C
USTOMER:
“You’re just doing that on purpose!”
M
E:
“No, ma’am, I’m not. It was an honest mistake!”
(I continue, and my hand eventually approaches her mouth. Suddenly the customer makes a roaring noise and fakes biting my hand.)
M
E:
“What the heck?”
C
USTOMER:
“See how you like it!”
D
ELI |
W
ESTMINSTER,
M
ARYLAND
M
E:
“I
S
that all?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, that’s it!”
(The customer begins to write a check.)
M
E:
“Uhh, ma’am, we don’t accept personal checks anymore. Sorry.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh? This isn’t mine. It’s someone else’s, so it’s not personal.”
M
E:
“… in your case, I don’t think we can accept your checks at all!”
R
ETAIL |
P
HOENIX,
A
RIZONA
(I’m visiting a friend of mine at work when this exchange occurs.)
C
USTOMER:
*notes my friend’s name tag* “Matt-ie-oh … what a neat name, where’s it from?”
F
RIEND:
“It’s pronounced mah-tay-oh, actually. It’s Spanish.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, really? You don’t look Mexican.”
F
RIEND:
“I’m not, I’m Spanish.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, what’s the difference?”
F
RIEND:
“The Atlantic Ocean?”
D
RUGSTORE |
D
ES
M
OINES,
I
OWA
(The maintenance man is installing merchandise sensors at the front door of our drugstore. An unsupervised child decides to hang around and ask questions about it. This is the conversation I overhear…)
C
HILD:
“What’s that thing do?”
M
AINTENANCE MAN:
“It’s …” *dramatically* “… a BRAIN SENSOR!”
C
HILD:
“Cool, how does it work?”
M
AINTENANCE MAN:
“It senses brain waves.”
C
HILD:
“H
OW
does it do that?”
M
AINTENANCE MAN:
“Well, you walk through it and it will tell us if you are thinking.”
(Excited, the child runs in and out through the door a dozen times.)
C
HILD:
“It’s not working!”
M
AINTENANCE MAN:
“It does require a brain.”
C
HILD:
“But I have a brain!”
M
AINTENANCE MAN:
“You also have to be using it. Go find your mom and tell her you’ve been talking to a stranger!”
T
ECH
S
UPPORT |
T
OKYO,
J
APAN
M
E, CHECKING A CUSTOMER’S NETWORK CONNECTION:
“… so you double-click with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”
C
USTOMER:
“What? Double-kick?”
M
E:
“No, double-click; I mean you click twice, consecutively, with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”
C
USTOMER:
“Double-kick?”
M
E:
“Yes, double-kick your monitor.”
P
ET
S
TORE |
L
ANCASTER,
P
ENNSYLVANIA
(I walk over to help a lady who is looking at puppy milk formula.)
M
E:
“Ma’am, can I help you with anything?”
L
ADY:
“Yes, I heard that if you feed a pregnant dog puppy formula, it’ll help her produce milk for her pups.”
M
E:
“No, that’s a myth. You have to change the type of dog food you’re feeding her. Change her diet, or feed the puppies yourself with the formula.”
L
ADY:
“No, I’m pretty sure that if she drinks this formula, she’ll produce milk faster.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, would you drink baby formula while you’re pregnant to help produce breast milk for your baby?”
L
ADY:
“No, that’s stupid!”
M
E:
“Yeah, go figure.”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
E
DMONTON,
A
LBERTA
(The bakery has just closed. I have clocked out and am on my way out of the store.)
L
ADY:
“Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”
L
ADY:
“But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”
L
ADY:
“I’m a dentist…”
M
E:
“Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?”
L
ADY:
“That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.”
M
E:
“Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
P
HOENIX,
A
RIZONA
(An elderly woman well into her seventies comes through the checkout line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)
C
USTOMER:
“Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”
M
E:
“Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary …”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”
M
E:
“Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”
(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)
M
E:
“… Ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now!”*skips out the door*
P
IZZA
P
LACE |
C
HAMPAIGN,
I
LLINOIS
M
E:
“Hello, [pizza place].”
C
USTOMER:
“Do you serve fresh fish?”
M
E:
“No, we only serve pizza.”
C
USTOMER:
“Tilapia?”
