The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (18 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E:
“Yes, ma’am, there’s a buy one, get one free deal. Your total is still $70.35.”
C
USTOMER:
“Did you even read the sign?”
M
E:
“Yes. The register automatically waived the cost of one of the games.”
C
USTOMER:
“N
O
it didn’t.”
M
E:
“You have three games; two are $30, and one is $35.”
C
USTOMER:
“S
O?”
M
E:
“S
O
… $30 plus $35 is $65. Adding tax brings it to around $70.”
C
USTOMER:
*speechless*
M
E:
“$70.35, please.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, right! I’m a kindergarten teacher. I don’t do math!”
T
ATTOO
S
UPPLY
S
HOP |
C
ANADA
C
ALLER:
“Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day, and there’s stuff missing from it.”
M
E:
“Stuff missing? Like what?”
C
ALLER:
“Well, for starters, there’s no book with it… and I don’t know how to assemble it.”
M
E:
“Book? What book? We don’t have books. We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines … and assembly? Is there something not assembled in your kit?”
C
ALLER:
“Yeah, it’s all in pieces … it’s a piece of crap!”
M
E:
“Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?”
C
ALLER:
“No, it’s just a bunch of pieces. There’s a power supply, foot pedal, a couple of tattoo machines … but I gotta put it together myself. That’s bulls***! I don’t know what I’m doing! You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping.”
M
E:
“You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you? Wait a sec … did you say you don’t know what you’re doing?”
C
ALLER:
“That’s right. I’ve never tattooed before. That’s why I thought there’d be a book with the kit.”
M
E:
“You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin, step 2, dip the needle in ink, step 3, tattoo the ink into the skin?”
C
ALLER:
“Yeah, that’s it! Why didn’t you guys give me that kinda book when I bought the kit?!”
M
E:
“S
O
how are you expecting to learn to tattoo? Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop, where they teach you to do this sort of thing?”
C
ALLER:
“Nah … I just figured I’d start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out…”
S
OFTWARE
C
OMPANY |
D
UBLIN,
I
RELAND
(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)
G
UY FROM DOWNSTAIRS:
“I think one of the computers has a virus.”
M
E:
“Okay, which one?”
G
UY:
“The one in the middle of the office.”
(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)
M
E:
“Have you moved the computers recently?”
G
UY:
“Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”
(I go downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)
T
ECH
S
UPPORT |
O
REGON
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with its digital media products. This call was about its video editing software.)
M
E:
“Thanks for calling ***** tech support.
(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)
M
E:
“Great! What can I do for you?”
C
ALLER:
“Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
M
E:
“S
O
… it’s blue, and blue … on the thing?”
C
ALLER:
“Yes.”
M
E:
“Where is it blue?”
C
ALLER:
“On de ting.”
M
E:
“By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”
C
ALLER:
“Yes … de ting.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at, so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
C
ALLER:
*getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
M
E:
“What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
C
ALLER:
“Yes.”
M
E:
“Yes … which one?”
C
ALLER:
*yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
C
ALLER:
“THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME!! HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
C
ALLER:
“ON DE TIIIING!!!”
(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher-level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)
PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE
THING.
SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
(TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY
REINSTALLING THE THING.
(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.
(ENGINEER) CANNOT RE-CREATE THING IN LAB.
(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RE-CREATED.
THING RED.
(And so on and so on …)
G
AS
S
TATION |
O
LYMPIA,
W
ASHINGTON
W
OMAN:
“I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last ten minutes! Your gas pump is broken!”
M
E:
“I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”
(I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)
M
E:
“Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”
W
OMAN:
“Oh, well, you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”
M
E:
“Um … yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”
W
OMAN:
“Oh yeah … I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”
(The cone is wedged under her car.)
C
ALL
C
ENTER |
F
LORIDA
M
E:
“Thanks for calling credit card services, how may I help you today?”
C
ARD MEMBER:
“Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
M
E:
“Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
C
ARD MEMBER:
“I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
M
E:
“Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
C
ARD MEMBER:
“Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
M
E:
“Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
C
ARD MEMBER:
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?”
M
E:
“H
OW
is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
C
ARD MEMBER:
“Jesus would waive my fee!”
M
E:
“Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”
R
ESTAURANT |
H
OUSTON,
T
EXAS
(A customer and her son come into our restaurant, dressed really nice, but literally looking down their noses at me.)
C
USTOMER:
“S
O,
how did you end up here?”
M
E:
“Excuse me?”
C
USTOMER:
“What exactly did you do to end up working in fast food at your age? I don’t want my son to make the same mistakes.”
M
E:
“Oh … well, I’m glad to help.”
(I turn to the son.)
M
E:
“Here’s what you need to do. I graduated from college, so do not go to college. I live on my own, so you need to live with your mom for the rest of your life. I have never gotten arrested, so you need to get arrested as much as possible.”
(I turn to the customer, who immediately grabs her son and leaves.)
M
E:
“I hope that helped!”
C
USTOM
F
RAMING
S
TORE |
T
EXAS
C
USTOMER:
“Do you have any frames that fit a 7×5 photo?”
C
OWORKER:
“Yes.”
C
USTOMER:
“I like THIS one, but you only have it in 5×7.”
C
OWORKER:
“Yes?”
C
USTOMER:
*whines*
C
OWORKER:
“Umm …”
C
USTOMER:
“But I need one that’s 7×5, not 5×7!”
C
OWORKER:
*slowly turns the frame on its side*
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, wow!”
C
ALL
C
ENTER |
P
HOENIX,
A
RIZONA
M
E:
“Thank you for calling online bill pay. How may I help you?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, I’d like to set up bill pay. Can you help me?”
M
E:
“Absolutely. The first thing you’ll need to do is go to our Web site. Are you there now or would you like me to give you the address?”
