The Crow King's Wife (51 page)

“Everyone that I have ever answered to in the
past is dead. I take orders from no man.” Grim returned softly. He
eyed Shade for a long moment before lifting his hand and tracing a
quick pattern with one finger. Shadow trailed behind his hand and
for a breath a perfectly formed rune hung in the air before the
city itself grew pitch black around them.

Shade shot to his feet as the air temperature
plummeted and all noise from the city below faded away. Wide eyed
he stared around at Sanctuary in bewilderment before glancing back
at Grim who stood perfectly still and silent with a look of
patience covering his face. Apparently he was content to allow
Shade time to adjust before he bothered with explaining what was
going on.

As far as Shade could tell they were still in
Sanctuary. Even the balcony he stood on seemed the same aside from
the shadows that seemed to cling to everything around him, but the
people he could see on the street below were blurred pale outlines
rather than the brightly clad figures they had been moments before.
He was in Sanctuary, and yet he was not, it was a very unsettling
realization.

“You can drop the pretense now. I’m not sure
who you were acting for, but I know it wasn’t me, and it is a waste
of your breath to continue it. I don’t believe what they say of you
in Delvay anymore than I believe the contempt you were showing me a
moment ago. No one can hear or see us here. This is the realm of
Shadows and what passes between us here stays just between us.”
Grim explained calmly. With a weary sigh he shrugged out of his
coat and tossed it carelessly over the balcony rail before turning
back to Shade. He pointedly lifted one arm making sure he had
Shade’s attention as he did so and gestured to a leather band
strapped tightly around his wrist. “That is how I found you. There
is a blood stone secured inside the band. I crafted it the night
after we repaired your eye in Merro. It led me straight to you.” He
explained as he settled back against the wall.

“Regardless of how you found me, you
shouldn’t have come. Zoey was supposed to stop you if you tried.”
Shade informed him gently as he resumed his seat by the balcony
rail and tried to fight back his unease at the change in the city.
He flicked the ash from his cigarette absently and stared through
the rails at the shadow wrapped images of Sanctuary. It was strange
to see the life flowing through the streets but to hear nothing but
silence around them. Sanctuary was never silent, even in the dead
of night.

“The Divine of Fear himself couldn’t have
stopped me from following you so Zoelyn was woefully inadequate for
the job.” Grim returned with a faint smile. He shifted to a more
comfortable position and gazed at Shade with a considering look
before speaking again. “You remind me of Micah in so many ways, but
in others you are more than he ever was. Others may not realize
what you sacrificed for my life, but I do, and I will not ignore
the debt. You chose to push everyone away so that you could spare
them from sharing your fate. I refuse to be pushed aside,
Shade.”

“I don’t see a debt between us, Grim. If
anything I made us even with what I did in Rivana.” Shade admitted
somberly. He wasn’t sure what to make of Grim’s words. On one hand
he was grateful that there was at least one person that refused to
lose faith in him, yet on the other side of that was the fact that
Grim’s faith would most likely mean his death if Myth found
them.

“Not something I care to argue over. There
are other more pressing things I’d like to discuss, but before we
get to that I have a question for you. After everything you have
faced, why are you giving up now? What changed to make you believe
you cannot survive this?” Grim watched him closely and Shade had
the distinct impression that if he tried to lie now Grim would see
it as clearly as a smile on his face.

“I can’t win against Myth. I can’t even hide
from Myth. I have too many habits and not enough skills with
changing myself to win this particular fight.” Shade answered
bluntly.

Grim nodded slowly in agreement then shook
his head as if he had just decided he didn’t actually agree at all.
“You can’t win alone. With help you have better odds. With my help
you can most likely survive, but therein lays the problem. You
trust me, but I think you trust what you think I am, rather than
who I truly am. So before we progress I feel inclined to shred your
misconceptions and see if you still trust me when I’m
finished.”

“Grim I don’t want you to suffer because of
me.” Shade said flatly and let out a harsh breath. “I don’t want
anyone to suffer because of me and I really don’t think you realize
exactly how deep in the shit I am right now. I am not safe to be
around. Please, just go back to Syrah.”

“And that is another point of my discussion,
but that comes at the end of it all.” Grim said cryptically but
held a hand up before Shade could interrupt. “We share more than
you realize Shade. You spent your childhood trying to prove to your
father that you were worthy of him. I spent my childhood trying to
force mine to regret casting me aside. Both of us suffered in the
same fashion and the results have left us both somewhat broken. You
give too much of yourself, and I never seem to give enough.” He
paused and let out a long slow breath. “Or when I do give enough
it’s for the wrong reasons, such as Rivana. I didn’t go there to
punish them for killing my friends. I went there to hurt them as
much as they hurt me. On the surface it can be confused, but when
you get to the bones of it I acted selfishly rather than
nobly.”

“Either way the judgment was delivered.”
Shade observed and shrugged one shoulder.

“It was, but that is the first part of your
confusion on me. I’m trying to explain to you what I truly am.”
Grim clarified and fell silent for a breath as he gathered his
thoughts.

“Are you going to expect me to explain to you
what I really am when you are done? Because I honestly don’t think
I can do that. I’m not sure I can even begin to define myself.”
Shade broke in before Grim could continue. He wasn’t sure what the
point of any of this was. He couldn’t honestly say that he truly
knew any of the people he considered friends to the core, but that
had never mattered to him before, and he didn’t understand why Grim
seemed to think it mattered now.

“I don’t need you to explain yourself to me,
Shade. I can see you clearly for what you are, which is exactly why
I’m here. You may have fooled the others, but you didn’t fool me.”
Grim returned with a faint smirk. “I’m really not sure how to
unveil myself quickly. I’ve spent so many years wearing a mask
painted with the misconceptions of others that I’m not sure where
the best place to start is.” Grim admitted softly. With a sigh he
leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the shadowed
sky above them. “I suppose I’ll muddle my way through and if you
get confused by my rambling let me know.” He decided after a long
moment.

“Grim, you don’t have to do this. It won’t
matter to me and you know it. I don’t care what you have done you
are my friend.” Shade protested, but Grim simply shook his head in
response and cleared his throat as if he expected what he had to
say to take a long while.

“First off let me explain why you have
trouble with your changing as far as I see it. It will explain a
bit about me as well.” He began and dropped his gaze back to Shade
as he spoke. “In the eyes of the Shifters each form you take is
another life. From what I’ve seen you blend all of your lives
together and thus you have habits that bleed through. For the
Shifters each form has its own habits and desires. That’s why you
don’t see a Shifter switching forms for convenience. It might be
easier to travel as a wolf, but most don’t shift simply to make
life easier. For some such as myself it is too hard to come back.
Had I been born in Glis I would have most likely chosen the life of
a wolf. That is the form that fits my soul best.”

“What do you mean by that? How can a form fit
your soul?” Shade asked quickly before Grim had a chance to
continue.

“Does a soul have a shape Shade? Does it have
a gender?” Grim asked and Shade could only shrug in response. It
wasn’t something that he had ever pondered before. “To the Shifters
it does not, but there are forms that the soul finds more harmony
with. Some Shifters choose the life of the animal they have an
affinity with and live out their days as a wolf or cat or whatever
form they have. Others find harmony in their human form and choose
to live out their days in cities. No one in Glis judges them for
where they find harmony. A wolf may have more respect than a man in
Glis, but is all based on the actions of the individual, not the
skin they have chosen to live in.”

“But you grew up in Arovan and didn’t have
the option of living as a wolf.” Shade observed with a slow
nod.

Grim nodded in confirmation and a faint smile
curved his lips. “I was cast out and this body is not the one I
would have chosen had I been given the option. Over the years I
have honed this form and found harmony in what I have made of it
however and I have found my balance at great cost, but I don’t
think you have found yours yet. Every time you have changed
yourself around me you have only altered minor details. You have
never truly changed what you are. You are too tied to your current
form to discover what your soul finds harmony with.”

“What do you mean at great cost?” Shade
asked. He had to admit what Grim was saying had merit, but he
didn’t like the idea of harmony having a price.

“Do you remember when you asked me if this
was my true form in Rivana?” Grim smiled as he spoke and traced a
finger across one of his high cheek bones. “I could see on your
face then that you knew I was more than a simple Shifter. I have
honed this body with every tool or spell I could find to suit me.
Ryvenken, forgotten magic, amongst a few other things, basically
anything I could do to improve what I was no matter what bargain I
had to strike. Ryvenken for example feeds off of my soul, but to be
more than what I was made it seem like a good trade at the time.
You have to understand. I grew up in Arovan amongst Elementalists,
and to them my druidic gifts were nothing. Yes I could shift to a
wolf, but could I summon a storm or call an earthquake?” Grim
smiled bitterly and shook his head slowly. “I was nothing to them.
I was weak, pathetic, and not worthy of mention in their eyes. So
as a child I pushed myself well past my limits to prove myself to a
culture that didn’t understand me at all. Then I met Micah and he
treated me well despite my differences. For a time that was enough
and I grew to love him like a brother. Then Honor joined our circle
and Micah grew somewhat distant, then Sebastian came and I slowly
realized that while I loved Micah like a brother, he loved me like
a well-crafted weapon. I was useful to him and he appreciated my
value, but I was never an equal in his eyes. In some that might
have bred resentment, but for me it was incentive to improve myself
more. If I was the best I could possibly be I could keep Micah’s
affection and force my father to acknowledge my worth in one
breath. So I went beyond physical training and mundane spell
casting and sought out ancient methods to find perfection.”

“I thought that you had Divine blood.” Shade
admitted when Grim fell silent.

“If only.” Grim said ruefully then shook his
head. “I am my own unholy creation and in many ways my desire to be
more is exactly what has made me less. I focused so much on my
strength and training that I failed to retain balance of spirit. I
am fearless, but I am callous as well. I think that’s why Finn and
I hated each other at first sight. We looked at one another and saw
flaws where we expected to find perfection. We hated each other
because we were the same sort of creature. He crafted himself in
the arena and I spent years proving myself on the battlefield and
in the end it at the same result. He became the most feared duelist
in Sanctuary and I earned my reputation as the Bloody Huntsman. I
am good at killing and I reveled in the blood just as much as he
did, but for different reasons. For every enemy I slew I gained
more of Micah’s favor and after a time there wasn’t a single person
in Arovan that didn’t know my worth. The knights scoffed at Caleb
Faulklin, but no one looked down their nose at the Bloody
Huntsman.” Grim gave a bitter smirk and let out a slow breath
before continuing.

“It wasn’t until I met Evanell that I
realized there was at least one person that would appreciate me for
what I was and not what I could do.” He gave a short bitter laugh
and smiled widely. “In all honesty Evanell hated what I could do.
She was a healer and I was two steps from being a bloodthirsty
psychopath. I tried to court her and she pushed me away with both
arms. In my persistence I discovered it was my career as a soldier
that she hated more than anything else. So I left the Arovan Army
and moved to Amdany. It took weeks to adjust to normal life and for
a time it was nearly impossible to control my temper, but for
Evanell I managed. She gave me harmony in life without having me to
prove myself. She balanced what I lacked and when I was with her I
was whole.” Grim paused and a look of grief filled his eyes as he
folded his hands in his lap.

“From what Zoelyn says she was quite
remarkable.” Shade offered quietly unsure what else to say.

Grim smiled faintly and nodded his head once
before clearing his throat and continuing. “Once we were married
Micah gave me the role of High Marshall of Amdany. I suppose he
figured I was too useful to leave idle. Evanell didn’t care for it,
but I wouldn’t refuse Micah anything. I drove off six invasions
during my time as Marshall and everyone called me a hero for saving
the people of Amdany. I didn’t do it for them though. There were
only four people in that entire city that I gave a damn about. It
was my territory the Reavers invaded and they died for trespassing.
People gave it noble purpose and told stories about my heroics, but
it wasn’t noble in the least. The Soulreavers died for being stupid
enough to set foot on my shore. If they had invaded ten miles up
the coast I wouldn’t have budged to stop them. Ten miles up the
coast was not my concern.” Grim paused considering then shook his
head slightly as he continued. “I don’t think Evanell ever realized
that about me. I had balance when I was with her, but I hid what I
lacked from her so she wouldn’t understand what I truly am. She
always thought I was her equal, but I wasn’t. She was a much better
person than I have ever desired to be. She wanted to save everyone,
I don’t. I pretended to be what she wanted me to be, and she loved
the mask I wore for her.” Grim fell silent and met Shade’s eyes
once more with a look of utter sincerity.