The Crazy Dentist and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls

The Crazy Dentist
and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls
published in 2011 by
Hardie Grant Egmont
Ground Floor, Building 1, 658 Church Street
Richmond, Victoria 3121, Australia
www.hardiegrantegmont.com.au

EISBN 978 1 742736 11 2

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means without the prior permission of the publishers and copyright owner.

A CiP record for this title is available from the National Library of Australia

Text copyright © 2011 Christopher Milne
Illustration and design copyright © 2011 Hardie Grant Egmont

Illustration and design by Simon Swingler
Typesetting by Ektavo

Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

The Crazy Dentist

The Laziest Boy in the World

The Ghost of Tamar's Tunnel

Roy the Dirty-Jobs Boy

The Worst Kid in The World

A Dim Sim-Eating Competition to Remember

The Girl Who Had everything

One afternoon, Dianne Edwards gutsed down two chocolate bars, a bag of chicken chips, two licorice straps, a litre of soft drink, three ice-creams and a family-size block of chocolate.

The next day her teeth fell out.

It might not surprise you to learn that Dianne was a big girl. Or that she didn't mind a lolly or two. Which was never a problem because Dianne always had heaps of money. Her mum and dad worked a lot, so to keep her happy they gave her fifty dollars a week.

She needed love, not money, but what's a kid to do? She spent the cash.

Poor Dianne tried three times to tell her mum about her teeth, but she was always too busy to listen. And then when her mum did notice, she was really angry. ‘Serves you right!' she said. ‘All those lollies you eat.'

Finally, they went to the dentist. Well, that's not quite true. Dianne went by herself. Her parents had to work that day.

Dianne hated the dentist. As she walked along the street to the dark-looking house where he worked, she felt sick. Sick and cold and scared. And really mad at her mum.

Wouldn't it be nice,
thought Dianne,
to just run away from everything? Mum and Dad included.

Suddenly, there was a kid running straight at her, screaming, ‘Don't go in! He's crazy!'

‘Who?' asked Dianne.

‘The dentist,' said the kid. ‘He's new. And he's crazy. My brother says he just got out of the loony bin!'

Then the kid's mother was running after him, yelling, ‘Richard, come back here now! Did you hear me?' But the kid was gone, running as fast as he could.

Oh, terrific,
thought Dianne. If she didn't go to the dentist, her mum would kill her. If she did go, it sounded as if the dentist would do the same. As Dianne nervously opened the front door, she almost felt like fainting.

Dianne only had to look at the dentist to know the kid was right. The dentist had sticky-out hair, thick glasses, bits of food in his teeth and a really loony smile. And he had come to the door with a hammer in his hand. If Dianne felt sick before, you can imagine how she felt now.

‘Now,' said the dentist, ‘your mother told me on the phone you've been a very naughty girl. Too many lollies, is that right?'

Dianne was too nervous to answer.

‘Well,' said the dentist, dragging her into the chair, ‘let's have a look, shall we? Mmm. Not good. Not good at all. You've lost a total of seven teeth, which leaves twenty-one. Might as well pull out the lot and start again.'

Dianne's eyes almost popped out!

‘Right,' said the dentist, ‘I'd usually give you an injection for the removal of twenty-one teeth but since you've been a naughty girl — nothing. Your mother said to
teach you a lesson.'

Out of the corner of her eye, Dianne could see the dentist smiling as he reached into a cupboard for a huge pair of teeth puller-outers. He snapped them closed a couple of times, grinning, and whispered to himself, ‘Yes!'

Inside, Dianne could feel herself saying a very big
‘No!'

It's funny how things happen. Sometimes, we have only seconds to make decisions that can change the whole of our lives. And this was one of those times. Dianne decided that if the dentist thought he was going anywhere near her teeth, he had another think coming.

Dianne waited and waited, and just as the dentist reached into her mouth, she rammed her knee upwards.
Bang!
Right on the dentist's chin.

The dentist couldn't believe it. He dropped the puller-outers and stood there. ‘Great,' he said. ‘I love a fight!'

As the dentist reached for his hammer, Dianne grabbed the drill, switched it on and stuck it straight into the dentist's butt.

‘Ouch!' screamed the dentist.

But that wasn't all. The turning drill grabbed at his pants, twisted them in a knot and gave him the
wedgie of the year.
Next, Dianne grabbed the sucker thing they put in your mouth and pushed it up his nose. The gurgling sound it made was something shocking.
Gooberama!

Last, but not least, she grabbed the tooth puller-outers and snapped them closed on the dentist's knee-cap. The scraping sound they made was just like fingernails on a blackboard.

The dentist groaned and blocked his ears, and Dianne made a break for it. She was gone in a flash!

As she ran down the street, she thought to herself she had never felt better. She felt free. She felt as if she could run forever. Away! And she did.

Running away felt great. Fantastic. But only for a while. Soon it became dark and Dianne felt cold and hungry and lonely. But there was no way she was going home. So she hung around a fast-food shop and watched other people wolf down burgers. She would have killed for a single hot chip.

Later on still, the fast-food shop closed and Dianne had to leave. Suddenly, being free felt terrible. She was cold again and scared as well. A nasty-looking man walked past and Dianne jumped back in fright. Where would she go? What would she do?

Just then, Dianne had the best piece of luck a girl could ever have. A nice old lady asked if she could help. Dianne explained what had happened and the lady said there was only one thing to do — ring her mum and dad and explain to them how unhappy she was.

‘They'll be angry at first,' warned the lady, holding out a dollar coin, ‘but my guess is everything will end up OK.'

The lady was right. Dianne's dad hit the roof when she first rang.

‘How dare you cause us all this worry!' he screamed.

‘I didn't think you'd miss me,' said Dianne.

That seemed to throw her dad. He didn't say anything. Dianne could almost hear him thinking over the phone. And then, softly, her dad said, ‘Of course we miss you. What do you mean?'

‘Well,' said Dianne, ‘I hardly ever see you. You're always so busy.'

Dianne's dad started to get angry again. ‘That's because we're earning money,' he yelled. ‘For food, to feed you! And buy you clothes!'

‘I don't want clothes,' said Dianne. ‘I just want you to love me.'

There was another silence. Then her dad started to cry.

These days, Dianne and her mum and dad are the best family you could ever find. They muck around together all the time. Dianne has even cut back on the lollies a bit.

And the dentist is back in the loony bin where he belongs. Which is just as well because it was only a week later that Dianne's mother needed to go, too. She'd been interviewed on television — you know, those things where they ask people in the street about the latest movie — and she got so excited that her false teeth popped out and smashed on the concrete.

Dianne's mum had never been so embarrassed in her life! And you know what was even worse? On the very night it was shown on TV, every single one of her friends was watching. It didn't surprise Dianne.
She'd rung every one of them.