The Cowards (49 page)

‘We made a date for the following Sunday,’ Irena was saying, ‘because he was in the factory then where they worked
from something like six in the morning until late at night. I was off duty the next afternoon and I went over to Honza’s to get some climbing irons and I was just crossing the tracks by the station when all of a sudden I saw him getting off the train, and when he saw me he came right over. I asked him what he was doing there and he said he’d taken sick leave and had a whole week off so I told him to come over to Honza’s with me but he wanted to go for a walk in the woods so that’s where we finally went.’

Irena fell silent. ‘Well, so now you know how it happened,’ she said after a while.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And then?’

‘Then? What do you mean?’

‘Well, afterwards. How did he manage to come to live in Kostelec?’

Irena laughed. ‘He was in Stare Mesto for a while and then he arranged to be transferred.’

‘To be near you, right?’

‘Naturally,’ said Irena, and suddenly she looked very serious and said, ‘Oh, God, you really don’t think anything’s happened to him, do you, Danny?’

‘Of course not,’ I said.

‘I couldn’t bear it,’ she said. A clock was ticking somewhere in the room and the shade was a rectangle of brown light over the window.

‘Irena,’ I said. I uttered her name like a magic charm. Like balm for my own hurt soul.

‘Yes,’ she said.

‘Irena, have you ever …’

‘What?’ she answered softly and automatically.

‘Is there – has there been – anything between you?’

She didn’t answer. Her face was motionless and I couldn’t for the life of me tell what she was thinking just then. I felt I’d gone too far and quickly and guiltily said, ‘Irena …’

‘Hmm?’ she said very faintly.

‘Are you angry at me?’

‘No, Danny.’

‘I’m glad. Because … well, you know how much I love you.’

‘I know,’ she said, and laid her hand on mine. But she still hadn’t admitted that there’d been anything between them. I knew there had been but I wanted to hear it from her. Since I’d never got anywhere with her, I at least wanted to hear how far he’d got with her.

‘Irena,’ I repeated, ‘did you have an affair with him?’

She bent her head and said, ‘Well, after all, Danny, we’ve been going together for a year now.’

‘I know,’ I said, and felt miserable. I’d have given anything if she’d only let me have an affair with her, too. But I knew I didn’t have much to offer. I quickly thought about what really great thing I had that I could sacrifice for her. The saxophone! I could play the saxophone better than anybody – nobody in the district could even begin to touch me when I was playing my tenor sax. So I could give that up. Rather never pick up my sax again than never once have an affair with Irena, I said to myself. Then, even head over heels in love as I was with her right then, the more I thought about it the less sure I was that I’d really do it and I said to myself, Sure you would! Damn right you would! By God, and you will, too! And I even swore to God I’d never play my sax again if only He’d let me have Irena and then I modified it a bit and swore I’d stop playing when I was thirty – or forty – and at the same time, in some dark corner of my soul, I was pretty sure that something would come up which would get me off the hook somehow so that, actually, I didn’t swear to anything and I hadn’t given anything up but, in spite of that, I was still in love with Irena, awfully and unbearably and deeply. I longed for her. Then I noticed she was squeezing my hand and I heard her say, ‘Danny?’

‘What?’

‘Don’t think about it.’

I switched on a melancholy smile. ‘I just can’t help it, Irena,’ I said.

‘You mustn’t.’

‘There’s nothing I can do about it. I have to.’

‘But you’re with me, too, and you mean an awful lot to me, you know ?’

‘Honestly, Irena?’

‘Honestly.’

‘Irena,’ I said yearningly, putting my arm around her shoulder.

‘No, Danny,’ she said, taking my hand and setting it back on my knee. ‘There,’ she said.

I looked dejected.

‘And don’t be sad,’ she said.

‘But I love you so much.’

‘I know, Danny, but there’s nothing we can do about it.’

That made me mad. Nothing we can do about it! She’s always said that. And there was something we could do, if she really wanted to. Plenty, if only she had a little room left for me in her heart. But she preferred to play virtuous, getting me all excited, and meanwhile the only reason she was so virtuous was because I didn’t appeal to her or excite her as much as Zdenek did. I didn’t believe in fidelity and all that other rot. All it was was just an excuse girls waved around so they could make life miserable for not just one guy but for as many as possible. I was mad, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. It was up to her to make the next move. Irena looked at her watch.

‘It’s already two,’ she said. I wasn’t hungry; the time had flown by. ‘Shouldn’t we ask again?’ said Irena.

‘Wait a minute,’ I said. ‘I’ll run over to Sokol Hall and phone.’ I wanted to keep Irena in that room with me as long as I could.

‘That’d be awfully nice of you, Danny.’

‘Aren’t I always?’

‘You are. You’re wonderful.’

Wonderful. Well, sure. A wonderful idiot who put up with everything. I got up. ‘Good-bye,’ I said. ‘I’ll be right back.’

‘Thanks,’ said Irena, and she gave me a smile for the road. I hurried out of the room and the house and ran down to Sokol Hall as fast as I could so I could get right back to Irena again. I went inside and over to the telephone and dialled the brewery and waited.

Then a voice came. ‘Army Headquarters.’

‘Hello,’ I said. ‘Do you have the full casualty list already, please?’

‘Yes,’ the voice said.

‘Would you kindly tell me if a Zdenek Pivonka is listed.’

‘Just a minute,’ said the voice. I waited tensely. I knew my wish wouldn’t come true, but I waited anyway. It took a long time. I prayed he’d be on the list this time.

‘Hello?’ the voice came back.

‘Yes?’

‘No, he’s not listed.’

‘No?’

‘No.’

‘And that’s the final list?’

‘Yes. All the dead have been identified.’

‘But he hasn’t come back yet.’

‘I’m sorry, but he’s not on the list.’

‘I wonder where he could be then?’

‘Possibly out on patrol somewhere.’

‘On patrol?’

‘Yes. Some of the patrols went out to clear the woods of SS men.’

‘I see. Well, thank you very much.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘Good-bye,’ I said, and hung up. Sure. Zdenek was probably out hunting Germans someplace. Nobody could kill that guy. Well, that’s okay too – let him hunt, I thought to myself. Meanwhile, I’d make as much use of my time with Irena as possible. I hurried out. Or maybe they’d got him off after all – somewhere way off back in the woods – and just hadn’t found his body yet. As I headed back up the hill, the idea that he really was dead and no longer stood in my way swept over me – I could see Irena grieving, Irena wearing a black dress to his funeral and then observing a period of mourning for a while and then getting tired of it and then going around with me. And as I walked along, I thought over my strategy in the time I had ahead of me and drew up a general plan of action. I rang the doorbell and suddenly there was Irena. The old lady hadn’t even shown up to open the door for me. She was probably one
of those landladies who don’t worry too much about their tenants’ visitors. Then I thought about all that had probably gone on here before between Irena and Zdenek.

‘He’s not on the list,’ I said.

‘And do they know where he is?’ said Irena.

‘No. But he’s not listed among the dead.’

‘So they don’t know anything?’

‘No. But Kuratko said they could still find some more corpses up in the woods. They’re out searching the woods right now in fact.’

I looked at her with a really demonic stare. It seemed to me she’d turned pale. She went back into the room and I followed her. I sat down on the couch and Irena started pacing the floor.

‘Don’t be scared,’ I said.

‘It’s this waiting that’s so awful, Danny.’

‘I know.’

She stopped by the washtable and leaned against it. She had a beautiful figure in that dress.

‘Danny, you’re very sweet,’ she said.

‘Oh, go on.’

‘You really are – waiting like this with me.’

‘With you, Irena, I’d be glad to wait for ever.’

She smiled.

‘Irena,’ I said. ‘I’d like to say something comforting, but I don’t know what to say.’

‘You don’t have to say anything, Danny.’

‘But I’d like to.’

‘You don’t have to, Danny. I know how thoughtful you are,’ said Irena, sitting down on the couch and stretching her legs out on to the chair in front of the table. Neither of us said anything for a while. The clock ticked loudly into the silence.

‘Irena,’ I said, ‘remember when we saw each other for the first time? That time in winter, I don’t remember exactly when. All I remember is that you were walking across the square in your ski outfit and carrying your skis over your shoulder, I think, and you looked at me and it was love at first sight – for me, anyway.’

Irena laughed. ‘I remember,’ she said.

‘And you remember that time in spring,’ I said, ‘when you were standing on the corner with some other girl but I only saw you and didn’t even notice the other girl and the sun was shining on your hair and you were saying something and wearing a flowered dress and when I saw you. my heart stopped and I didn’t know where I was hardly and just wanted to go over to you only I didn’t have the nerve so I just said hello?’

Irena nodded.

‘And that time in the summer, at the pool, when I came in with Salat and you were stretched out on the side reading a book and you were wearing shorts and the top had an anchor on it – remember?’

‘Mmmm.’

‘Yeah, and we sat down with you and played cards.’

‘Yes, and you told my fortune and said I was going to have five children.’

‘You remember that?’

‘Sure, Danny. How long ago was that anyway?’

I thought back. It seemed an awfully long time ago. We’d been freshmen then. So sophomore year made one year; junior, two; senior, three; and then two years compulsory labour. Five years.

‘Five years, Irena,’ I said.

‘Five years. Good God, how the years go by.’

‘Yes. I’ve been in love with you for five years, Irena.’

‘You really love me, Danny?’ she said, and there was a wavering, indecisive look in her eyes now.

‘Very much, Irena. For five years you’re all I’ve lived for.’

‘Oh God,’ she said and took my hand. ‘Danny, if there were only something I could …’

‘And there isn’t, Irena?’

‘No, Danny, no. I couldn’t.’

‘Irena, if you really wanted to … just a …’

‘No, Danny,’ she said and then after a while went on, ‘Don’t think I don’t care for you. But you know I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘I can’t, Danny.’

‘Irena, if you only knew how painful …’

‘I know.’

‘And I’m jealous, Irena.’

‘You shouldn’t be, Danny. I’m sorry you …’

‘I don’t want you to be sorry for me, Irena.’

‘Still, I’m not so sorry for you that I pity you.’

‘Well, what’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Oh, you know.’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Well, I just mean that I can’t do what you want me to do.’

‘And you wouldn’t like to?’

‘Well …’ She thought for a minute. ‘Well, yes, of course I would, Danny … but it just isn’t that simple.’

‘Irena, would you really like to … well, you know … be together with me?’

‘Yes, Danny.’

‘Then why don’t you?’

‘Because I can’t.’

‘But why not?’

‘Danny, don’t ask such silly questions.’

‘It’s not a silly question.’

‘Yes, it is.’

I didn’t say anything for a while, and then I said, ‘Irena, if I didn’t love you like I do and if you didn’t care about me … Except you say you do … or don’t you?’

‘I do, Danny,’ she said.

‘So then why don’t you want to? There’s nothing wrong with it, Irena, if you … if you care about me.’

‘That’s something different, Danny.’

I moved closer and took her hand.

‘Irena, I know how good and kind you are and … and pure’ – the word stuck in my throat – ‘and I know you’re in love with Zdenek, but there wouldn’t be anything wrong about our being together. Really, there wouldn’t.’

‘Yes, there would, Danny.’

‘No, Irena. Why I wouldn’t even want you to break up with
him since you’re so much in love with him. It’s just that I’d like to have a little proof that you really care for me, see?’ and a little tenderness … and when I think about you and him, I feel dumb and inferior compared with him, you know?’

She stroked my cheek. Things were looking up.

‘Oh, go on,’ she said.

I wondered how to keep things rolling along now that I almost had her where I wanted her. I put my arm around her shoulder and looked into her eyes.

‘You understand, Irena?’ I said.

‘I understand,’ she said.

Then I let my voice grow softer as I went on. ‘Believe me, Irena, I don’t want you to do anything wrong but I’m so madly in love with you and I want you so badly and you don’t know how happy I’d be if we could just be together for a while, anyway.’

I saw her eyes brimming with something that looked like sadness and sympathy but I knew what it really was. It was pleasure. She was flattered and at that moment she was already being elegantly unfaithful to Zdenek. Which made me love her even more.

‘Irena!’ I implored.

She smiled hesitantly. ‘Yes?’ she whispered.

My moment had come. I drew her gently closer. She didn’t resist. She just kept looking into my eyes. Then I leaned over and kissed her. I saw her close her eyes. She was gone. I embraced her and sipped away at her love-hungry lips for a long time, but after a while she started to push me away. She smiled guiltily. ‘So,’ she said. ‘Enough.’

I looked at her, my eyes full of loving devotion. Only this time I really was in love and devoted. ‘Irena,’ I sighed.