The Conscious Heart (20 page)

Sometimes gratitude comes upon us by surprise; at other times we consciously invoke it. As we learn to speak the truth and take responsibility, spontaneous waves of gratitude sweep over us nearly every day. We will be going about our business—paying bills, riding bikes, straightening up the kitchen—and a warm glow of gratitude will come out of nowhere and suffuse our bodies. We think of these waves as winks from the universe that acknowledge that we are doing a good job with the basics of truth and equality.

Leading with gratitude, taking the initiative, is important to the health of a close relationship. Many people wait for others to do something positive before they open their own heart valves
of appreciation. This strategy is akin to standing in the garden and saying, “Give me some vegetables, and then maybe I’ll water them for you.” For gardens and relationships to thrive, they must be watered first. Expressing appreciation is at first an act of faith, as watering seeds is an act of faith. In relationship, however, you do not have to wait so long to see the fruits of your appreciation.

Many people habitually expect their partners to earn little niblets of appreciation from them. Their relationships have the shriveled look of a parched, untended garden. When we shift from the position that gratitude is scarce and must be conserved to the position that gratitude is abundant, appreciation itself increases the opportunities to appreciate. So many couples long for a refreshing splash of appreciation without even knowing why they’re vaguely dissatisfied.

Several couples have commented to us on the essence-sparkle they enjoy when their partners shift from criticism to appreciation. One woman said: “I used to cringe inside when Cameron came home, because he’d open the door complaining about the kids’ leaving their toys on the lawn or my not clipping the flowers correctly. I listened for ‘Now what’s wrong?!’ When we learned to shift to gratitude, I looked forward to greeting Cam again. We had to really practice at first because the skill was so unfamiliar. I remember, though, the first time he said, ‘I love the way you always make time for me when I come home, no matter what you’re doing. I really appreciate the time you take to talk over the day before we move into the evening.’ I felt so seen; some icy place in me melted, and I could see again why I first fell in love with Cam. It became easier to find things to appreciate about him, like his incredible sense of humor and his patience with our exuberant eight-year-old. We’re really on a roll now with appreciations—it’s changed the whole nature of our lives.”

As we caught on to the power of appreciation, we began to look for things to appreciate about each other on a daily, then hourly, basis. The appreciations could be simple or complex. Gay might say, “I appreciate the color and flowing beauty of the clothes
you’re wearing today. It’s like a visual symphony.” Kathlyn might say, “I’m grateful for the easy way you relate to Chris. Even when you disciplined him, you did it in such a straightforward way, it never seemed like you were putting him down.” Sometimes the appreciation is on the soul level. Gay may say, “I appreciate your fundamental good nature. I grew up in a family where I was always working overtime to cheer my mother up. It’s so refreshing not to have to do that with you, to have you always be willing to have a good time.” Kathlyn might say, “I appreciate the way you see everyone as equals. I remember the day [a big politician] introduced himself to you. You chatted with him exactly the same way you’d just been talking to the hotel bellhop.” These are magic moments in a relationship; to have our essence seen by another person is one of our deepest hungers.

Sometimes when we’re stuck in a conflict, we use gratitude to break us out of the “vapor lock” of negativity. We force ourselves (and it often feels like pulling teeth) to think of something we appreciate about the other person. We think about it until we can feel the gratitude in our chest, then we say it aloud. Miraculously this act of gratitude will bring a wave of fresh energy into the relationship, popping us out of the trance of negativity.

The Seventh Soul-Choice
Creativity

As we travel through our own relationship journey, and as we work with others on theirs, we encounter time and again a deep source of pain: the pain caused by untapped creative potential. So many people have settled for being so much less than they could become. To mute their expression of their potential, they have dulled themselves to the screams of their inner voice, the one that says, “Make every moment count! Express every ounce of your creativity!” Tuning this voice out leaves people open to a host of ills—both physical sickness and its psychic counterpart.

Most relationship problems are symptoms of unexpressed creativity. When creativity is not being expressed, the morass of languishing potential becomes a breeding ground for disharmony. When we are feeling limited by the other person, it is almost always because there is some aspect of our own creativity we are not expressing.

Kathlyn found this to be a problem early in our relationship: “One of the big divisions in our relationship used to be that Gay was the creative one and I was the organizer. I
am
very organized, but I felt limited by this role. Unconsciously I began to resent that Gay seemed to get all the credit and glory while I (who secretly knew who was really responsible for making the whole show come together!) would stew in silent obscurity. One day I complained that Gay had done most of the talking at a workshop and hadn’t let me speak very much. I accused him of always having to be number one. Even as I said it, I realized how ridiculous and victimy it sounded. He said, ‘I wondered why you weren’t participating. I would pause and look over toward you now and then, but you didn’t jump in.’ I suddenly realized that he had no attachment whatsoever to being number one. In fact, he seemed genuinely interested in my being a full partner. In a rush I saw what it was all about. My adored older brother had been the family star and is always referred to by my mother as ‘number one.’ My role was to be Mom’s busy beaver, the helper who could always be relied upon to do the dishes and clean up my brother’s messes. I realized I was projecting that drama onto my relationship with Gay, and it was getting in the way of our being equal partners.

“I realized that what I needed to do was make a full commitment to my own creativity. I needed to take responsibility for expressing myself fully in the world, and that if I did that, the world would open up in front of me. And in fact, that’s been the way it’s worked. Once I woke up and stopped my projection, the issue completely disappeared as a problem for us.”

Gay welcomed the change: “I was deeply impressed with the power of Kathlyn’s shift in consciousness. From that moment on
the quality of our interactions changed, especially when we were out in public. Kathlyn stepped forward instead of hanging back. A key shift in her daily schedule also helped: In the beginning she would always make sure her desk was tidy, her calls returned, and the house in order before she would do any creative work like writing or painting. As she embraced her commitment to creativity, she turned this schedule upside down (or right side up, as I like to think of it). She would disappear into her den first thing in the morning. Only later, when she was finished with her creative work, would she tackle the ever-present backlog of phone calls, errands, and details. Since making this shift, she has published nine books, among numerous other creative activities.”

This is the power of creativity.

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INTRODUCTION

Sex and Money Are Springboards to Essence

M
oney and sex are two of the thorniest areas in relationships. Our therapy records reveal that the top three complaints people have sought help for are communication, money, and sex, in that order. On the surface, you might not think money and sex issues have much to do with the unfolding of relationship as a spiritual path. In fact, they are both crucial to it. When we make friends with our sex and money issues, we free up the very energy that is necessary for the higher potential of our relationships.

Our work with couples has shown us a true surprise: Sex and money problems are almost never about sex and money. They are the proverbial tip of the iceberg; what is below the surface is often
ancient and fundamental. When the real issue is confronted and handled, sex and money problems shift organically toward resolution.

Many of us look toward the outside when we have sex or money problems. Stuck in this old way of seeing the world, we may ask:

Why won’t they value me as I deserve?

Why does he/she seem sexually interested in other people?

Why won’t he/she spend less (or make love more)?

But in fact, the fundamental issue beneath both sex and money has to do with the flow of energy and who controls it. Sex is a flow of energy inside each person and back and forth between them. So is money. Once you understand this foundation principle you open up a powerful new type of question:

Where am I restricting the flow of my sexual energy and why?

What is it about me that causes me to attract scarcity?

Why am I trying to control the sexual feelings of my partner?

This sort of inquiry will prove much more fruitful.

In this section we aim for utter frankness about some of the sex and money issues that have been the biggest challenge in our relationship. We’ve gone into great detail not only to illustrate the principles involved, but because we want to be absolutely transparent ourselves. We are committed to “walking our talk.” We have told thousands of students our position on honesty:
If there is anything in your life you wouldn’t be willing to talk about over the loudspeakers in Yankee Stadium, it’s got a grip on you
. We have tried our best to eliminate secrets from our own lives, to have nothing we are not willing to communicate.

There is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy
is based on fear: It is something you’re defensive about. You don’t reveal secrets because you fear someone’s reaction to the truth. Privacy is something you treasure, a sacred part of your life that sharing would dilute. Many people confuse the two.

Sigmund Freud said it very clearly: Secrets make you sick. Privacy doesn’t cause any problems at all; in fact, it’s a source of joy and delight. We have found that clear communication about both sex and money involves letting go of secrets immediately.

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