The Conflict (9 page)
Authors: Elisabeth Badinter
Until recently, only a rare few women thought they could live happily without children. Rarer still were those who admitted that they did not enjoy child rearing and regretted the experience of motherhood. Until recently, becoming a
mother signaled a woman's coming of age and without that passage, happiness and achievement were unattainable. Women who slipped through the net of motherhood were regarded with suspicion or condescension, freely referred to as “dried up,” “frustrated,” “unfulfilled.” Popular imagination cast childless women as sad and lonely (unlike the cheerful bachelor) because there could be no life of companionship outside of marriage, and no marriage without children.
mother signaled a woman's coming of age and without that passage, happiness and achievement were unattainable. Women who slipped through the net of motherhood were regarded with suspicion or condescension, freely referred to as “dried up,” “frustrated,” “unfulfilled.” Popular imagination cast childless women as sad and lonely (unlike the cheerful bachelor) because there could be no life of companionship outside of marriage, and no marriage without children.
These convictions have been smashed by the emergence of people choosing to live without children and women pursuing their professional ambitions. The range of choices that are now acceptable signals the rise of a new hedonism that is crucially important in people's decisions whether or not to become parents.
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While we might acknowledge that parents are driven by hedonism, tooâa ruse on the part of the species to perpetuate itselfâwe nonetheless tend to more readily dismiss the child-free women as irresponsible and selfish. In fact, the truth is that a woman who chooses not to have children has generally engaged the question of a mother's responsibilities to a degree of seriousness not previously explored, when motherhood was simply a natural necessity.
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While we might acknowledge that parents are driven by hedonism, tooâa ruse on the part of the species to perpetuate itselfâwe nonetheless tend to more readily dismiss the child-free women as irresponsible and selfish. In fact, the truth is that a woman who chooses not to have children has generally engaged the question of a mother's responsibilities to a degree of seriousness not previously explored, when motherhood was simply a natural necessity.
Internalizing the Ideal Mother
Accounts by childless women and the many surveys of them that are now available are striking for their faithful endorsement of the model of the perfect mother. Even these women
believe that a good mother takes constant care of her children round the clock and cannot pursue personal fulfillment at the same time. They cannot conceive of taking on the responsibility of children while also being the teacher, artist, doctor, or executive they want to be. How can you take proper care of a baby while you're writing your thesis? These women have thoroughly internalized the perspective of La Leche League and child psychologists, for whom motherhood and a career are incompatible.
believe that a good mother takes constant care of her children round the clock and cannot pursue personal fulfillment at the same time. They cannot conceive of taking on the responsibility of children while also being the teacher, artist, doctor, or executive they want to be. How can you take proper care of a baby while you're writing your thesis? These women have thoroughly internalized the perspective of La Leche League and child psychologists, for whom motherhood and a career are incompatible.
Journalist Ãmilie Devienne reflects this view in a book that is extremely blunt about choosing not to have a child.
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Referring to Edwige Antier and state children's advocate Claire Brisset, Devienne chides mothers who are in too much of a hurry to respect the time their child needs, women who put their children into care too early (before the age of two or three) or send them to school too soon, women who cut corners to off-load their tasks as mothers. “You have to be clear-sighted,” she says, “and know whether, all day and every day, you want to enlist in this kind of relationship which ideally should be unshakeable and unconditional.” She feels that motherhood (or fatherhood) should not be taken on as a “loving impulse, or an experiment, or a philosophy of life. It is first and foremost a duty we have the freedom to impose on ourselves and whose repercussions go far beyond our private lives. Either you take that on or you abstain.”
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Referring to Edwige Antier and state children's advocate Claire Brisset, Devienne chides mothers who are in too much of a hurry to respect the time their child needs, women who put their children into care too early (before the age of two or three) or send them to school too soon, women who cut corners to off-load their tasks as mothers. “You have to be clear-sighted,” she says, “and know whether, all day and every day, you want to enlist in this kind of relationship which ideally should be unshakeable and unconditional.” She feels that motherhood (or fatherhood) should not be taken on as a “loving impulse, or an experiment, or a philosophy of life. It is first and foremost a duty we have the freedom to impose on ourselves and whose repercussions go far beyond our private lives. Either you take that on or you abstain.”
Adopting this all-or-nothing logic while maintaining a high ideal of motherhood, women like Devienne make no
reference to the pleasures and benefits of child rearing. They see only the dutiful side, the constraints and sacrifices. In one psychologist's interviews conducted with childless women, some interviewees expressed disgust at the physical aspects of motherhood, not only pregnancy and birth but also caring for a child.
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Others claimed they found the idea of looking after a baby full-time depressing, “like spending all day in the exclusive company of an incontinent mental defective.”
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Some worried about the monotony of dirty, repetitive, and unrewarding tasks. They feared feelings of alienation and loss of identity. But according to the American sociologist Kristin Park, who has reviewed most of the surveys carried out on child-free men and women in the last twenty years, the primary and most frequently cited reason for their decision (in 79 percent of surveys) is freedom.
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These people prized their emotional and financial autonomy, their freedom of movement, and their ability to take advantage of every opportunity for personal fulfillment. The second reason, mentioned in 62 percent of surveys, is marital happiness. After that came professional and financial considerations, fear of overpopulation, and lack of interest or a dislike of children.
reference to the pleasures and benefits of child rearing. They see only the dutiful side, the constraints and sacrifices. In one psychologist's interviews conducted with childless women, some interviewees expressed disgust at the physical aspects of motherhood, not only pregnancy and birth but also caring for a child.
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Others claimed they found the idea of looking after a baby full-time depressing, “like spending all day in the exclusive company of an incontinent mental defective.”
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Some worried about the monotony of dirty, repetitive, and unrewarding tasks. They feared feelings of alienation and loss of identity. But according to the American sociologist Kristin Park, who has reviewed most of the surveys carried out on child-free men and women in the last twenty years, the primary and most frequently cited reason for their decision (in 79 percent of surveys) is freedom.
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These people prized their emotional and financial autonomy, their freedom of movement, and their ability to take advantage of every opportunity for personal fulfillment. The second reason, mentioned in 62 percent of surveys, is marital happiness. After that came professional and financial considerations, fear of overpopulation, and lack of interest or a dislike of children.
For a very long time, and perhaps still to this day, such explanations for not wanting children were considered unseemly rationalizations of unresolved subconscious conflict. Childlessness was a negative choice that suggested psychological issues: a poor relationship with the mother,
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a rejection of womanhood,
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“questionable narcissistic
motivations,”
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depressive tendencies, or low self-esteem. This was a pathological rejection that only psychoanalytic treatment might be able to sort out.
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a rejection of womanhood,
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“questionable narcissistic
motivations,”
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depressive tendencies, or low self-esteem. This was a pathological rejection that only psychoanalytic treatment might be able to sort out.
It is true that a good many women interviewed about their decision not to have children have talked about the frustrations of their own mothers, who were burdened by worry and responsibility and who handed on an unappealing model.
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At the same time, though, these studies also include active mothers who encouraged the interviewees to pursue their studies and achieve independence
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without in any way discouraging them from marrying and having children.
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At the same time, though, these studies also include active mothers who encouraged the interviewees to pursue their studies and achieve independence
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without in any way discouraging them from marrying and having children.
Overall, there seems to be little ground for analyzing the choice of motherhood in terms of normal or deviant. We do not ask questions about the legitimacy of the wish to have children, although we are all aware of the devastation caused by irresponsible mothers. How many children are brought into the world to play roles of compensation or distraction? How many children are abused, neglected, or abandoned? This subject remains unexplored. Society seems more concerned with women who try to assess their responsibilities rigorously than with those who take them on with little reflection.
Familial and Professional Satisfaction
In France, most scholars who study the family do not believe that our age of individualism
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ultimately favors coupledom
over parenthood. As Pascale Donati points out, opinion polls confirm that family is still considered the highest value and that “a child is deemed indispensable to marital stability.”
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The majority of French family professionals concur on the benefits that parenthood brings to individuals, strengthening their identities and physical and psychological well-being. While the social and professional costs of motherhood to women are clearly articulated, the cost to marriage does not generally figure prominently in studies.
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ultimately favors coupledom
over parenthood. As Pascale Donati points out, opinion polls confirm that family is still considered the highest value and that “a child is deemed indispensable to marital stability.”
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The majority of French family professionals concur on the benefits that parenthood brings to individuals, strengthening their identities and physical and psychological well-being. While the social and professional costs of motherhood to women are clearly articulated, the cost to marriage does not generally figure prominently in studies.
However, a few English and American researchers have taken up the question of satisfaction among couples both with and without children. Studies of those with children suggest some interesting conclusions, showing as they do flagging happiness as parents reach their forties. It is only relatively recently that the connection has been made between this tendency and the fact that there are frequently young children in the home at this time.
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It is clear that children impede parents' ability to talk to each other and often make it hard for the couple to find necessary time alone. While bringing up a child is one recognized cause of friction between couples, the difficulty of alternating between being a parent and a partner exacerbates the problem. A relationship founded on love and support depends on a necessary minimum of intimacy and freedom to thrive. But being a parent requires that you forgo yourself and your desires to be available for your children.
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It is clear that children impede parents' ability to talk to each other and often make it hard for the couple to find necessary time alone. While bringing up a child is one recognized cause of friction between couples, the difficulty of alternating between being a parent and a partner exacerbates the problem. A relationship founded on love and support depends on a necessary minimum of intimacy and freedom to thrive. But being a parent requires that you forgo yourself and your desires to be available for your children.
And nothing could be more at odds with a mother's (or
father's) role than being a lover. When the children go to bed and the exhausted couple is finally alone together, they may well have some trouble discarding their behavior as parents and shifting into a seductive mood. Thus the idea that a child reinforces a couple's stability cannot be assumed. Of course a child forges an unbreakable link between the mother and the father, but he can also present a real trial for the understanding between the man and the woman.
father's) role than being a lover. When the children go to bed and the exhausted couple is finally alone together, they may well have some trouble discarding their behavior as parents and shifting into a seductive mood. Thus the idea that a child reinforces a couple's stability cannot be assumed. Of course a child forges an unbreakable link between the mother and the father, but he can also present a real trial for the understanding between the man and the woman.
Childless couples, on the other hand, take pleasure in the advantages of being alone: living for each other, doing more things together than parents are able to do, paying more attention to the other person's feelings and desires. They see children as a possible threat to the harmony they are able to take for granted.
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People who choose not to have children also generally settle down with one partner later in life. Their individualism tends to be evident in other characteristics: they have little or no interest in religion; they are tolerant, cosmopolitan, egalitarian, and city-dwelling.
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With all their advantages, however, childless couples seem to split up just as frequently as those with children, and almost certainly more easily.
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Thus one set of choices is not necessarily more conducive to success than another, although the legitimacy of childlessness deserves recognition.
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With all their advantages, however, childless couples seem to split up just as frequently as those with children, and almost certainly more easily.
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Thus one set of choices is not necessarily more conducive to success than another, although the legitimacy of childlessness deserves recognition.
Whether they live alone or as part of a couple, childless women, according to all the surveys carried out over the last thirty years, make a significant commitment to their professional
lives. Studies confirm that that more childless women work (87 percent against 75 percent) and they more often hold senior managerial positions
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(36 percent against 21 percent of mothers). In 2000, journalist Elinor Burkett noted that childless women were highly represented among America's elite, being wealthier, more independent, and better educated than the average mother. She also made the point that the numbers of voluntarily childless women are greatest among those who are university educated or highly qualified. The higher the qualification and the more interesting the job, the more likely a woman is to choose to remain childless: “Amongst those without high-school diplomas, only 10 percent have foresworn reproduction, rising to 19 percent amongst the two-year-degree set, reaching an astonishing 28 percent amongst four-year graduates.”
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lives. Studies confirm that that more childless women work (87 percent against 75 percent) and they more often hold senior managerial positions
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(36 percent against 21 percent of mothers). In 2000, journalist Elinor Burkett noted that childless women were highly represented among America's elite, being wealthier, more independent, and better educated than the average mother. She also made the point that the numbers of voluntarily childless women are greatest among those who are university educated or highly qualified. The higher the qualification and the more interesting the job, the more likely a woman is to choose to remain childless: “Amongst those without high-school diplomas, only 10 percent have foresworn reproduction, rising to 19 percent amongst the two-year-degree set, reaching an astonishing 28 percent amongst four-year graduates.”
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Some sociologists see nothing surprising in these findings: in one article on motherhood in the United States, the authors note: “Because more educated women have greater economic opportunities and more alternative sources of self-esteem than less-educated women, the rational choice perspective suggests that level of education will be inversely related to the importance of motherhood.”
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They point out that although black women in the United States have higher birthrates than white, this changes with their level of education. In both cases, gaining high qualifications goes hand in hand with having children later and having fewer of them.
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They point out that although black women in the United States have higher birthrates than white, this changes with their level of education. In both cases, gaining high qualifications goes hand in hand with having children later and having fewer of them.
This link between the level of education and childbirth is evident almost everywhere.
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In a study carried out by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 20 percent of women with an undergraduate degree or higher remained childless, while only 9 percent of women without these qualifications had no children.
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German demographer Jürgen Dorbritz points out that the number of childless German women born between 1955 and 1960 fluctuates at around 30 percent, but the percentage is higher among the most qualified women born after 1960: 35.3 percent for those born in 1964 and 38.5 percent for those in 1965.
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Demographer Isabelle Robert-Bobée finds a similar trend in France. Of those women born between 1945 and 1953, 10 percent had no children, but 16 percent of them were among the most highly qualified, with 7 percent among the least qualified. Among women who finished their studies six years later than their generation's average, 20 percent had no children (12 percent for those who lived with a partner) against 12 percent for those who finished their studies just two years later than the average.
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In a study carried out by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 20 percent of women with an undergraduate degree or higher remained childless, while only 9 percent of women without these qualifications had no children.
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German demographer Jürgen Dorbritz points out that the number of childless German women born between 1955 and 1960 fluctuates at around 30 percent, but the percentage is higher among the most qualified women born after 1960: 35.3 percent for those born in 1964 and 38.5 percent for those in 1965.
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Demographer Isabelle Robert-Bobée finds a similar trend in France. Of those women born between 1945 and 1953, 10 percent had no children, but 16 percent of them were among the most highly qualified, with 7 percent among the least qualified. Among women who finished their studies six years later than their generation's average, 20 percent had no children (12 percent for those who lived with a partner) against 12 percent for those who finished their studies just two years later than the average.
Robert-Bobée echoes others when she says that “the most highly qualified women can hope for social recognition through their work whereas, for the less qualified, this recognition is more likely to come from achieving the status of parenthood.” From an economic point of view, she adds, “the price paid in terms of lost opportunities as a result of having a child is higher for women at management level
and rises in direct relation to the size of their salaries.” It seems that highly qualified women feel sufficiently fulfilled by their professional activities to forgo other hopes and dreams, even if they could easily afford child care.
and rises in direct relation to the size of their salaries.” It seems that highly qualified women feel sufficiently fulfilled by their professional activities to forgo other hopes and dreams, even if they could easily afford child care.
If this trend were to become widespread, perhaps we might begin to see a phenomenon of motherhood for hire, or motherhood confined to those with greater cultural, social, and professional limitations. Or, as the American demographer Phillip Longman points out, to the most religious, traditional, and conservative women.
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Looking at the numbers, Longman predicts a return to patriarchy, the only “cultural regime” that can maintain the high birthrate necessary to ensure that nations survive and pensions are paid. He sees early signs of such a tendency in the embrace of religion in the United States and in the practices of observant Muslims. But this conservative prediction overlooks both the growing power of individualism and the profound impact of the feminist revolution.
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Looking at the numbers, Longman predicts a return to patriarchy, the only “cultural regime” that can maintain the high birthrate necessary to ensure that nations survive and pensions are paid. He sees early signs of such a tendency in the embrace of religion in the United States and in the practices of observant Muslims. But this conservative prediction overlooks both the growing power of individualism and the profound impact of the feminist revolution.
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