The Confidence Myth (2 page)

In
The Confidence Code
, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman sift through the research and explore the differences between male and female workers—from the way we process information to the physiology of our brains, to the overt and subtle ways our culture determines who will ascend to high-level positions. They observed that women are seen as underconfident, underestimating their own knowledge and skills. Men, on the other hand, tend to be overconfident,
¹
more likely to have an inflated sense of who they are and what they can achieve.

Why shouldn't women step into positions of more responsibility? Why not go for the bigger job, even if you don't have all of the skills required? Why not reject the position you are overqualified for and counter with, “I want the job two levels higher”? Don't listen to the negative voice that
whispers, “You don't have what it takes.” This attitude stems from prejudice, not truth.

The myth of the highly confident individual without fear must give way to a more realistic assessment of what confidence involves. A confident woman has the whole package: talent, insight, excitement, courage,
and
fear. Confidence is not the absence of discomfort; rather, it is taking action while having conflicting thoughts and sensations. We need to align our definition of confidence with Nelson Mandela's understanding of courage: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” Real confidence is acknowledging fear and moving forward anyway.

My sincere hope for this book is to help women like you redefine confidence (with an acknowledgment that fear and courage are components just as much as talent and insight are) and to persuade you to reach for your next big goal.

I believe that each one of us is called to make an important contribution. This book is a practical tool kit to help you navigate through internal resistance in the service of making your own important contribution. The many qualities we bring to the table, including creativity, connectivity, and a unique perspective, are needed around the globe. Let me support you as you think, dream, and act boldly.

My team at WomenWorking.com conducted an online survey of 535 people, mostly women, covering confidence issues both at work and in our personal lives.
²
Insights and important results from this survey appear throughout the book, along with confidence myths that need to be busted, wisdom from high-level professional women, and Confidence Sparks (exercises, tips, and reflections) to help
you move forward in spite of the uneasiness you may feel. A What Would You Do? exercise at the end of each chapter presents challenging scenarios and effective ways of dealing with them. A convenient Power Tools summary helps solidify the main takeaways from each chapter.

The results of the Women and Confidence Survey were clear and consistent, and they confirmed my initial thoughts on this important topic: a perceived lack of confidence holds most of us back, but it doesn't have to. You will never feel 100 percent self-assured as you step out in a bigger way. Moving forward with fear is a skill you develop over time and with practice. And I can tell you from experience that
now
is the best time to test the waters.

Below are short summaries of what you will find in each chapter.

Chapter 1: Transform Fear by Stepping Up

Myth: I can't tackle it now; I'm not ready.

Truth: I can do it. What I don't know I will learn or delegate.

Chapter 1
sets the stage for looking fear in the face as you step out in a new way. Inspiring stories from the women I've interviewed will prepare you for identifying and committing to
stretch goals
.

Chapter 2: Lead with Presence

Myth: It's not possible to learn how to be a dynamic leader.

Truth: Leadership presence can be cultivated and is available to me.

Leading with presence involves presenting yourself authentically, exhibiting poise during stressful times, reading the room, artfully listening, dressing the part, and, especially for women, using power language to assert yourself.
Chapter 2
presents skill-building tips in these areas and more.

Chapter 3: Win with Honest Feedback

Myth: When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can't be objective.

Truth: I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.

In order to advance, you must understand how others see you. In our quest for excellence, our perfectionism can get in the way of our ability to accept feedback and grow from it.
Chapter 3
provides examples and strategies for processing feedback constructively and determining what's valuable. Useful ways of giving feedback are also offered.

Chapter 4: Create Power Parameters

Myth: If I don't do it, no one else will.

Truth: If I say no, others will pick up the slack, and that will be just fine.

As women, demands on our time come from so many fronts that we can lose sight of our own needs. Our well-being and future success depend on our ability to set limits with people and prioritize what
we
need from day to day. In
chapter 4
, you will be given strategies for determining your “power parameters” and having the often difficult conversations necessary to create them.

Chapter 5: Stand Out and Attract Sponsors

Myth: The competition for sponsors is fierce—standing out and getting one is too difficult.

Truth: I can attract and build important power alliances.

Awareness has increased in the last several years about the importance of attracting sponsors, people who advocate for you when positions open up. Men have cultivated these powerful relationships for decades, and women can learn a lot from them. You can create these crucial alliances, and
chapter 5
will give you the tools to do so.

Chapter 6: Trust Your Inner Compass

Myth: When I am under pressure, I can't tap into my intuitive insight.

Truth: I always have access to my intuition and the ability to use it.

Tough choices are made every day in business, and often we have no precedent to guide our decision making, especially as women travel into uncharted workplace territory. Developing an inner compass can help you navigate the bumps along the way and bust the myths discussed in the previous chapters.
Chapter 6
provides tools to help you connect with your inner wisdom and make intuition your professional edge.

Appendix A: Thirty Days of Confidence Sparks

Appendix A includes thirty additional Confidence Sparks. Each will boost your ability to take action and move forward in a positive way toward your next achievement. I encourage you to make reading and reflecting on them a daily practice.

Appendix B: The Women and Confidence Survey

Appendix B includes a discussion and presentation of The Women and Confidence Survey and the methodology used. It also presents the survey questions and results.

MYTH

I can't tackle it now; I'm not ready.

TRUTH

I can do it. What I don't know I will learn or delegate.

Our fears can prevent us from achieving great heights of success. They can distort reality and are often grounded in false beliefs, including erroneous messages due to gender prejudice. But when we step up and take action, we move through our fears.

Taking action in itself can bring up fear because we are moving outside our comfort zone. That's okay because being challenged means we are growing. Confidence is the ability to step into uncharted territory and take the next right action, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Giusy Buonfantino, president of North America Baby & Child Care at Kimberly-Clark, faced several challenges when she came to the United States from her native Italy. It was all new territory for her, but she never let fear hold her back.
“I worked with a few men who didn't seem to understand my accent,” she confided. “What helped was for me to use hand signals to get my points across. I'd put my hand up at a meeting to express my opinion.”
¹

Giusy didn't settle for the status quo, which solidified her position as an innovative thinker and a strong leader. Her advice to women is to keep offering suggestions: “I encourage women to share their unique ideas and not hold back. Voice your point of view. Don't be silent. Get your hand up in meetings,” she advises.

David Bidmead, global leader of multinational client service at Marsh, added, “When you leave your ego at the door and stop trying to be the smartest person in the room, your opinions and ideas will be more appropriately valued and appreciated” (and that's applicable to both genders). He told me that to be heard, women should offer insights regularly rather than only expressing the occasional opinion.

I followed that same valuable piece of advice early on in my career at the
New York Times.
I was asked to cover for a senior leader at a top-level meeting, which came as a surprise to me. Those directly above me were out in the field, so I was asked to stand in for them. This was my first significant interaction with top management and a big deal. I hadn't had time to prepare.

The meeting was on the executive floor. As I got off the elevator, I was nervous. But as David suggested, I parked my ego outside the door and walked in the room. I thought to myself,
Just be of service. Offer your help when needed.

I listened carefully to what was being said. The men in the room were discussing a problem and I had an idea, so I spoke up. Admittedly, my voice was a little shaky, but they listened attentively. As a result of that experience, top management began viewing me as having leadership potential.

Confidence spark

When the voice of fear is saying “hold back,” see it for what it is. Your fear may be grounded in a false belief about what will happen if you put yourself forward. With reflection, you might find that your fear has been stripped of its power and that stepping up doesn't seem as intimidating as before.

As women, we encounter gender prejudices all the time. Sometimes we may even accept the biases we encounter as true, unaware that we're doing so. For example, many of us have been brought up to play nice. We feel compelled not to rock the boat or appear confrontational, so we refrain from saying or doing what is necessary to get ahead.

But what if instead of trying to be nice, we respond authentically? What would that look like? For one, people would know where we really stand on the issues that are important to us. In addition, we would have more time to focus on making a difference and advancing our careers instead of trying to please other people.

The continually evolving workplace can be stressful and we need vigilance to monitor our thoughts and confront negative self-talk, what I call
mad mind-chatter
, that holds us back. I use this label because to think that we are not capable of achieving greater things is insane. In the Women and Confidence Survey we asked people what they would do to become more confident. Over half (58 percent) responded that they would “counter negative mind-talk with more affirming thoughts.” We need to question the old ways of acting that limit us, and we need to adopt new behaviors.

Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg says that we hold ourselves back by giving in to self-doubt and “lower[ing] our own expectations of what we can achieve.” She urges us to stop “pulling back when we should be leaning in.”
²

Maybe you don't feel like you are ready to “lean in.” You still have a lot to learn, and for now, it's better to stay on the sidelines. But no man or woman at any stage of his or her career is ever 100 percent prepared. That is the confidence myth. Now is the time to step up and question that negative belief that counsels you to hold back.

Jill Campbell, now COO of Cox Communications, was almost held back by mad mind-chatter that told her she was not ready to run a Fortune 500 company. When her first chance at the COO role came around, her self-doubt led her boss to think she didn't want the job. Jill's “moment of truth” came when her boss told her he was giving someone else the position.

“When Pat Esser [my boss] suggested that I didn't want the COO position and appointed someone else instead, he could have thrown cold water all over me. I had no idea that I had been projecting self-doubt,” Jill shared.

“It worked out fine because the new COO was a huge supporter of mine,” she went on. “He helped me get a coach, and I started to handle the issues that stopped me from advancing. I was raised to be ‘nice' and not to brag, to play down my abilities. When the COO position opened up again, I knew I could do it. I went to Pat and told him that I wanted to be next.”