The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (630 page)

her brother in such a way? I am sure moping is bad for you.

MARIA

By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'

Truthfully, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier at

nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great

night: your relative, my lady, has a lot of

exceptions to your ill hours.

issues with your bad timing.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, let her except, before excepted.

Well, let her have issues before she is issued.

MARIA

Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest

Yes, but you must keep yourself inside the bounds

limits of order.

of proper behavior.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:

Keep myself! I'll keep myself no better than I am kept:

these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be

these clothes are good enough to drink it; and so are

these boots too: an they be not, let them hang

these books too: and if they are not, let them hang

themselves in their own straps.

themselves in their own straps.

MARIA

That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard

That drinking and guzzling will ruin you: I heard

my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish

my lady talk of it yesterday; and of that foolish

knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

knight that you brought in one night to try and court her.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

MARIA

Ay, he.

Yes, him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

He's as tall as any man in Illyria.

MARIA

What's that to the purpose?

What's the good of that?



SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

Why, he earns three thousand ducats a year [that's a lot of money].

MARIA

Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:

Yes, but he'll only have a year in all these ducats:

he's a very fool and a prodigal.

he's a fool and frivolous.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the

Nonsense! He plays

viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages

the violin, and speaks three or four languages

word for word without book, and hath all the good

without having to consult a book, and has all the good

gifts of nature.

talents anyone could ask for.

MARIA

He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that

He is talented indeed: because he's also

he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that

a fool, he gets into fights: and except for

he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he

him being too much of a coward to really do

hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent

all the fighting he wants, it is thought among the more careful

he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

that he would quickly get himself killed.

SIR TOBY BELCH

By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors

By this hand, only terrible people

that say so of him. Who are they?

would say these things of him. Who are they?

MARIA

They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

They that add, also, that he gets drunk every night with you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to

Toasting my niece: I'll drink in honor

her as long as there is a passage in my throat and

of her as long as there is space in my throat and

drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill

drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a dishonorable man

that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn

that will not drink to my niece until his brains turn

o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!

inside out on themselves with drunkenness. Woman!

Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

Enough now! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW

Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

Sir Toby Belch! How are things, Sir Toby Belch?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Sweet Sir Andrew!

Sweet Sir Andrew!

SIR ANDREW

Bless you, fair shrew.

Bless you, lovely lady.

MARIA

And you too, sir.

And you want this too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

Interrupt, Sir Andrew, interrupt.

SIR ANDREW

What's that?

What is that?

SIR TOBY BELCH

My niece's chambermaid.

My niece's personal maid.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

Good Miss Accost, I want to get to know you better.

MARIA

My name is Mary, sir.

My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

Good Miss Mary Accost, -

SIR TOBY BELCH

You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board

You're confused, knight; 'accost' means to front her, board her,

her, woo her, assail her.

woo her, go after her.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, I would not undertake her in this

Truthfully, I would not undertake her right here

company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

and right now. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA

Fare you well, gentlemen.

Farewell, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY BELCH

An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst

If you're going to be difficult, Sir Andrew, I wish you would

never draw sword again.

never draw your sword again.

SIR ANDREW

An you part so, mistress, I would I might never

If you leave like that, Miss, I hope I would never

draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have

draw my sword again. Beautiful lady, do you think you have

fools in hand?

fools that you are dealing with?

MARIA

Sir, I have not you by the hand.

Sir, I do not have you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

By Mary, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA

Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring

Now, sir, 'thought is free:' please, bring

your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

your hand to bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW

Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?

Why, sweetheart? What kind of humor are you using?

MARIA

It's dry, sir.

It is dry [as in deadpan] sir.

SIR ANDREW

Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can

Why, I think so: I am not such an ass that I can't

keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

keep my hand dry. But what's your joke?

MARIA

A dry jest, sir.

A dry joke, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Are you full of them?

Are you full of jokes?

MARIA

Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,

Yes, sir, I have them at the tips of my fingers: by Mary,

now I let go your hand, I am barren.

now that I let go of your hand, I am done.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I

Oh knight you're without anything to say: when did I

see thee so put down?

ever see you so put down?

SIR ANDREW

Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary

Never in your life, I think; unless you see a canary

put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit

put me down. Sometimes I think I have no more intelligence

than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a

than any ordinary person has: but I am a

great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

glutton and I believe that ruins me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

No question.

No question.

SIR ANDREW

An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home

And having said that, I'll confirm it. I'll ride home

Tomorrow, Sir Toby.

Tomorrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Pourquoi, my dear knight?

Pourquoi ("why" in French) my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had

What is 'Pourquoi'? Do or not do? I wish that I had

bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in

used the time studying languages that I have in

fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but

fencing, dancing, and watching bears fight dogs: oh, if only I had

followed the arts!

studied the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

Then you would have had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW

Why, would that have mended my hair?

Why, would that have fixed my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

Definitely; for you see it will not curl naturally [he's making a pun about 'artificial' as opposed to 'natural'].

SIR ANDREW

But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

But it looks good enough on me, doesn't it?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I

Excellent; it hangs like spinning fiber on a wheel; and I

hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs

hope to see a housewife take you between her legs

and spin it off.

and twist it off.

SIR ANDREW

Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece

By my faith, I'll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby: your niece

will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one

refuses to be seen; or if she does become willing, it's more than likely

she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

she'll not want me: the count himself here is courting her hard.