The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (507 page)

pay to Master Brook; his horses are being held in lieu

of payment, Master Brook.

MISTRESS FORD

Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet.

I will never take you for my love again; but I will

always count you my deer.

Sir John, we had bad luck; we never managed to meet.

I will never have you as my lover; but I will

always think of you as my deer.

FALSTAFF

I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

I begin to see that you've made an ass of me.

FORD

Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.

Yes and an ox too: the proof is here, quite plain.

FALSTAFF

And these are not fairies? I was three or four

times in the thought they were not fairies: and yet

the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my

powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a

received belief, in despite of the teeth of all

rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now

how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent, when 'tis upon

ill employment!

And these are not fairies? I suspected it

three or four times: and yet

with my guilty mind, and the sudden shock to my

senses, the silly fantasy became reality and

in spite of all rhyme or reason I believed they were fairies.

See how fun can be made of a Halloween pumpkin,

when he's up to no good.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your

desires, and fairies will not pinse you.

Sir John Falstaff, serve God, put aside your

desires, and the fairies will not pinch you.

FORD

Well said, fairy Hugh.

Well said, fairy Hugh.

SIR HUGH EVANS

And leave your jealousies too, I pray you.

And you lay off your jealousies, please.

FORD

I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art

able to woo her in good English.

I will never mistrust my wife again until you can

chat her up in good English.

FALSTAFF

Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that

it wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching as

this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? shall I

have a coxcomb of frize? 'Tis time I were choked

with a piece of toasted cheese.

Have I put my brain out and shrivelled it in the sun,

so that I'm not clever enough to stop such a terrible

defeat as this? Am I teased by a Welsh goat too? Shall I

wear a Welsh jester's cap? It's time I was choked

with a piece of toasted cheese.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all putter.

You shouldn't have butter with it, your belly is all butter.

FALSTAFF

'Seese' and 'putter'! have I lived to stand at the

taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This

is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking

through the realm.

‘Seese' and 'putter'! Have I sunk so low I can be mocked

by someone who murders the English language? This

should be enough to put down lust and late nights

throughout the kingdom.

MISTRESS PAGE

Why Sir John, do you think, though we would have the

virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders

and have given ourselves without scruple to hell,

that ever the devil could have made you our delight?

Why Sir John, do you think that even if we

threw away all our virtues

and gave ourselves unconditionally to hell

that the devil would have ever made us want you?

FORD

What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?

What, a blood sausage? A sack of oily seeds?

MISTRESS PAGE

A puffed man?

A puffed up man?

PAGE

Old, cold, withered and of intolerable entrails?

Old, cold, withered and with a revolting stomach?

FORD

And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

And one who is as big a liar as Satan?

PAGE

And as poor as Job?

And as poor as Job?

FORD

And as wicked as his wife?

And as wicked as his wife?

SIR HUGH EVANS

And given to fornications, and to taverns and sack

and wine and metheglins, and to drinkings and

swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles?

And devoted to fornication, taverns, sherry,

wine, mead, drinking,

swearing, ogling, chatter and gossip?

FALSTAFF

Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; I

am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh

flannel; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me: use

me as you will.

Well, I am the butt of your jokes: you have the whip hand; I

am cast down; I am not able to reply to the Welsh

blabbermouth; stupidity is many levels above me: do

what you want with me
.

FORD

Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one

Master Brook, that you have cozened of money, to

whom you should have been a pander: over and above

that you have suffered, I think to repay that money

will be a biting affliction.

Well, sir, we'll take you to Windsor, to see

Master Brook, that you cheated out of money, whom

you were supposed to pimp for: over and above

what you have suffered, I think it will sting you to repay

that money.

PAGE

Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a posset

to-night at my house; where I will desire thee to

laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee: tell her

Master Slender hath married her daughter.

But cheer up, knight: you shall eat a posset

tonight at my house; and there I will ask you to

laugh at my wife, who now laughs at you: you can tell her

Master Slender has married her daughter.

MISTRESS PAGE

[Aside] Doctors doubt that: if Anne Page be my

daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.

Enter SLENDER

Doctors doubt that: if Anne Page is my

daughter, she is, by this time, Doctor Caius' wife.

SLENDER

Whoa ho! ho, father Page!

Hello there! Hey, father Page!

PAGE

Son, how now! how now, son! have you dispatched?

Son, hello there! Hello, my son! Have you done the business?

SLENDER

Dispatched! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire

know on't; would I were hanged, la, else.

I've been done! I'll let the best people in Gloucestershire

know about it; otherwise let me be hanged.

PAGE

Of what, son?

About what, son?

SLENDER

I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page,

and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been

i' the church, I would have swinged him, or he

should have swinged me. If I did not think it had

been Anne Page, would I might never stir!--and 'tis

a postmaster's boy.

I went over to Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page,

and she turned out to be a great hulking lad. If we hadn't been

in the church, I would have thrashed him, or he

would have thrashed me. I swear I thought it was Anne Page–

and it was the postman's boy!

PAGE

Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.

Well I swear, you must've taken a wrong turn.

SLENDER

What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took

a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for

all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had

him.

I don't need you to tell me that. I knew it when I mistook

a boy for a girl. If I had married him, even though

he was dressed as a woman, I would not have had him.

PAGE

Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how

you should know my daughter by her garments?

Why, this is your own stupidity. Didn't I tell you how to

identify my daughter by her clothes?

SLENDER

I went to her in white, and cried 'mum,' and she

cried 'budget,' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet

it was not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.

I went to the one in white, and said ‘mum,’ and she

replied ‘budget,’ as Anne and I had arranged; and yet

it was not Anne, but the postman's boy.

MISTRESS PAGE

Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose;

turned my daughter into green; and, indeed, she is

now with the doctor at the deanery, and there married.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

Good George, don't be angry: I knew what you were up to;

I changed my daughter's clothes to green; and, in fact, she is

now with the doctor at the chapel, where she has married him.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened: I ha'

married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy;

it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am cozened.

Where is Mistress Page? By God, I have been cheated: I have

married un garcon, a boy; a peasant, by God, a boy;

it is not Anne Page: by God, I have been cheated.

MISTRESS PAGE

Why, did you take her in green?

Why, did you take the one in green?

DOCTOR CAIUS

Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy: by gar, I'll raise all Windsor.

Exit

Yes, by God, and it's a boy: by God, I'll get all Windsor out of bed.

FORD

This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

This is strange. Who has got the real Anne?

PAGE

My heart misgives me: here comes Master Fenton.

Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE

How now, Master Fenton!

I'm starting to get worried: here comes Master Fenton.

Hello there, Master Fenton!

ANNE PAGE

Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!

Forgive me, good father! My good mother, forgive me!

PAGE

Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

Now, mistress, why did you not go with Master Slender?