The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (398 page)

[Reads] ‘that uneducated, unwitting soul,’--
COSTARD Me?

Me?
FERDINAND [Reads] 'that shallow vassal,'—

[Reads] 'that  slow-minded subordinate,'—
COSTARD Still me?

Still me?
FERDINAND [Reads] 'which, as I remember, hight Costard,'—

[Reads] 'which, as I remember, is named Costard,'--

COSTARD O, me!

Oh, me!
FERDINAND [Reads] 'sorted and consorted, contrary to thy

[Reads] ‘planned and schemed, contrary to your
established proclaimed edict and continent canon,

established proclaimed edict and law
which with,--O, with--but with this I passion to say

Which with, -- Oh, with—but with this I long to say
wherewith,--

whereby,--
COSTARD With a wench.

With a girl.
FERDINAND [Reads] 'with a child of our grandmother Eve, a

[Reads] ‘with a child of our grandmother Eve, a
female; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a

female; or, to make is easier for you to understand, a
woman. Him I, as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,

woman. I have, as my much respected duty commands me,
have sent to thee, to receive the meed of

sent him to you, to receive the fitting reward of
punishment, by thy sweet grace's officer, Anthony

punishment by your sweet grace’s officer, Anthony
Dull; a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and

Dull; a man with a good reputation, demeanor, behavior, and
estimation.'

respect.’
DULL 'Me, an't shall please you; I am Anthony Dull.

It may please you to know; I am Anthony Dull.
FERDINAND [Reads] 'For Jaquenetta,--so is the weaker vessel

[Reads] ‘Since Jaquenetta, --that’s what the weaker one
called which I apprehended with the aforesaid

is called that I apprehended with the afore mentioned
swain,--I keep her as a vessel of the law's fury;

young man, -- I keep her as a receptacle of the law’s fury;

and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring

and will, at your smallest command, bring
her to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted

her to trial. Yours truly, in all regards of devoted
and heart-burning heat of duty.

and heart-burning heat of duty.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.'BIRON This is not so well as I looked for, but the best

This is not as good as what I hoped for, but it’s the best
that ever I heard.

that I ever heard.
FERDINAND Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say

Yes, the best for the worst. But, slave, what do
you to this?

you say to this?
COSTARD Sir, I confess the wench.

Sir, I confess that I know the girl.
FERDINAND Did you hear the proclamation?

Did you hear the proclamation?
COSTARD I do confess much of the hearing it but little of

I confess to the hearing of it, but very little to
the marking of it.

paying attention to it.

FERDINAND It was proclaimed a year's imprisonment, to be taken

It was proclaimed that you will be imprisoned for a year if you are taken
with a wench.

with a girl.
COSTARD I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damsel.

I wasn’t taken with a girl: I was taken with a damsel.

FERDINAND Well, it was proclaimed 'damsel.'

Well, it was proclaimed that a ‘damsel’ counts too.
COSTARD This was no damsel, neither, sir; she was a virgin.

This wasn’t a damsel either, sir; she was a virgin.
FERDINAND It is so varied, too; for it was proclaimed 'virgin.'

It is also varied to include ‘virgins.’
COSTARD If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.

If that’s so then I deny her virginity and say: I was taken with a maid.
FERDINAND This maid will not serve your turn, sir.

That won’t help to serve your purpose either.
COSTARD This maid will serve my turn, sir.

This maid will serve me, sir.
FERDINAND Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast

Sir, I will give you your sentence: you will fast
a week with bran and water.

For a week with bread and water only.
COSTARD I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.

I would rather pray for a month and be able to eat mutton and porridge.
FERDINAND And Don Armado shall be your keeper.

And Don Armado will keep watch over you.
My Lord Biron, see him deliver'd o'er:

My Lord Biron, see that he is delivered over there:
And go we, lords, to put in practise that

And we will go, Lords, to put into practice that
Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.

Which we have so strongly promised to each other.

Exeunt FERDINAND, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAINBIRON I'll lay my head to any good man's hat,

I’ll bet my head to any good man’s hat
These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.

That these oaths and laws will prove to be a useless mockery.
Sirrah, come on.

Slave, come on.
COSTARD I suffer for the truth, sir; for true it is, I was

I suffer for the truth, sir; for it’s true, I was
taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true

Taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true
girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of

girl; and so we welcome the bitter taste of
prosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and

success! Sickness may one day smile again; and
till then, sit thee down, sorrow!

till then, I welcome you, sorrow!
Exeunt

Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO and MOTH 

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit

Boy, what does it mean when a man who is usually energetic
grows melancholy?

grows melancholy?
MOTH A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.

It means, sir, that he will look sad.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO  Why, sadness is one and the self-same thing, dear imp.

But sadness and melancholy are the same thing, dear dwarf.
MOTH No, no; O Lord, sir, no.

No, no; O Lord, sir, I disagree.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my

What’s the difference between them, my
tender juvenal?

tender young man?
MOTH By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough senior.

By a known demonstration of how it works, my tough elder.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO  Why tough senior? why tough senior?

Why tough elder? why tough elder?
MOTH Why tender juvenal? why tender juvenal?

Why tender young man? why tender young man?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton

I said it, tender young man, as an accurate description
appertaining to thy young days, which we may

Having to do with your young days, which we can
nominate tender.

accurately call tender.
MOTH And I, tough senior, as an appertinent title to your

Me too, tough elder, as an appropriate title to your
old time, which we may name tough.

old age, which we can call tough.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Pretty and apt.

Pretty and apt.
MOTH How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? or

What do you mean, sir? I’m pretty and my words are apt?
I apt, and my saying pretty?

Or am I apt and my words pretty?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Thou pretty, because little.

You pretty, because you are little.
MOTH Little pretty, because little. Wherefore apt?

Hardly pretty, because I’m little. And what is apt?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO  And therefore apt, because quick.

So you are apt, because you are quick.
MOTH Speak you this in my praise, master?

Are you saying this as a compliment, master?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO In thy condign praise.

It’s a much deserved compliment.
MOTH I will praise an eel with the same praise.

I will compliment an eel in the same way.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO What, that an eel is ingenious?

What, that an eel is clever?
MOTH That an eel is quick.

That an eel is quick.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I do say thou art quick in answers: thou heatest my blood.

I do say, you are quick in answers: you make me angry.
MOTH I am answered, sir.

You are right, sir.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I love not to be crossed.

I do not like being crossed.
MOTH [Aside] He speaks the mere contrary; crosses love not him.

[Aside] He’s saying it backwards; crosses don’t like him.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I have promised to study three years with the duke.

I have promised to study for three years with the duke.
MOTH You may do it in an hour, sir.

You could do that in an hour, sir.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Impossible.

Impossible.
MOTH How many is one thrice told?

How much is one times three?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I am ill at reckoning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.

I am bad at math; it suits a tavern keeper better.
MOTH You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir.

You are a gentleman and a gambler, sir.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I confess both: they are both the varnish of a

I confess to both: they are both the sign of a
complete man.

Complete man.
MOTH Then, I am sure, you know how much the gross sum of

Then, I am sure, you know how much the sum of
deuce-ace amounts to.

A two and an ace amounts to.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO It doth amount to one more than two.

It amounts to one more than two.
MOTH Which the base vulgar do call three.

Which the lowly and vulgar call three.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO 

True.

True.
MOTH Why, sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here

Why, sir, would you study for so long? Just now
is three studied, ere ye'll thrice wink: and how

Three has been studied, before you’ve blinked three times: and how
easy it is to put 'years' to the word 'three,' and

Easy it is to put ‘years’ next to the word ‘three,’ and
study three years in two words, the dancing horse

Study three years in just two words, the dancing horse
will tell you.

Will tell you.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO A most fine figure!

What a fine way of figuring!
MOTH To prove you a cipher.

To prove you are being cryptic.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I will hereupon confess I am in love: and as it is