The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1090 page)

the case that such degenerate thoughts

have found a place in your generous hearts?

The meanest lowest person on our side

will still risk himself and draw his sword

to defend Helen; and there is nobody so noble

that he would not give his life and be celebrated for it

if he fell for Helen. So I say

it is right that we, whom we know have no match

in the whole world, should fight for her.

HECTOR.

Paris and Troilus, you have both said well;

And on the cause and question now in hand

Have gloz'd, but superficially; not much

Unlike young men, whom Aristotle thought

Unfit to hear moral philosophy.

The reasons you allege do more conduce

To the hot passion of distemp'red blood

Than to make up a free determination

'Twixt right and wrong; for pleasure and revenge

Have ears more deaf than adders to the voice

Of any true decision. Nature craves

All dues be rend'red to their owners. Now,

What nearer debt in all humanity

Than wife is to the husband? If this law

Of nature be corrupted through affection;

And that great minds, of partial indulgence

To their benumbed wills, resist the same;

There is a law in each well-order'd nation

To curb those raging appetites that are

Most disobedient and refractory.

If Helen, then, be wife to Sparta's king-

As it is known she is-these moral laws

Of nature and of nations speak aloud

To have her back return'd. Thus to persist

In doing wrong extenuates not wrong,

But makes it much more heavy. Hector's opinion

Is this, in way of truth. Yet, ne'er the less,

My spritely brethren, I propend to you

In resolution to keep Helen still;

For 'tis a cause that hath no mean dependence

Upon our joint and several dignities.

Paris and Troilus, you've both spoken well;

and you've given a summary of the matter in hand, though

only a superficial one;this is what young men do,

that's why Aristotlethought they were

not suited to hearing moral philosophy.

The reasons you put forward are more influenced

by your hotheaded passions than

a determination to make a proper choice

between right and wrong; desire and revenge

are deafer than adders when they hear the voice

of unbiased decisions.Nature desires

that everything should go to its owners.Now,

in all of human life, what is closer

than a wife to her husband?If this natural law

is corrupted by giving in to passion,

so that great minds allow their senseless desires

to behave contrary to that law;

every civilised country has laws

to rein in those raging appetites that are

 most disobedient and obstinate.

If Helen, then, is the wife of the king of Sparta-

as we know she is- the moral laws

of nature and of all countries say

that she should be given back.To carry on doing wrong

does not wipe out the original wrong,

but makes it worse.Hector is right

 about this.But, nevertheless,

my spirited brothers, I propose that we

still keep determined hold of Helen;

because the matter is very important

in relation to all our honours.

TROILUS.

Why, there you touch'd the life of our design.

Were it not glory that we more affected

Than the performance of our heaving spleens,

I would not wish a drop of Troyan blood

Spent more in her defence. But, worthy Hector,

She is a theme of honour and renown,

A spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds,

Whose present courage may beat down our foes,

And fame in time to come canonize us;

For I presume brave Hector would not lose

So rich advantage of a promis'd glory

As smiles upon the forehead of this action

For the wide world's revenue.

Well, you've put your finger on the crux of my plan.

If we didn't value glory above

just taking revenge out of spite,

I wouldn't want another drop of Trojan blood

to be lost in keeping her.But, good Hector,

she is a notable and honourable cause for which to fight,

an inspiration for brave and selfless deeds,

the courage of which may in the present defeat our enemies,

and in time may make us immortal;

I assume brave Hector would not sacrifice

such a great opportunity for glory

as this matter offers,

not for all the money in the world.

HECTOR.

I am yours,

You valiant offspring of great Priamus.

I have a roisting challenge sent amongst

The dull and factious nobles of the Greeks

Will strike amazement to their drowsy spirits.

I was advertis'd their great general slept,

Whilst emulation in the army crept.

This, I presume, will wake him.

Exeunt

I am with you,

you brave son of great Priam.

I have sent a boastful challenge to

the dull and quarrelling nobles of the Greeks

which will certainly astonish their sleepy spirits.

I was told that their great general was sleeping,

whilst the army had begun to copy him.

I assume this will wake him up.

Enter THERSITES, solus

THERSITES.

How now, Thersites! What, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I rail at him. O worthy satisfaction! Would it were otherwise: that I could beat him, whilst he rail'd at me! 'Sfoot, I'll learn to conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles, a rare engineer! If Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little little less-than-little wit from them that they have! which short-arm'd ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! or, rather, the Neapolitan bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the curse depending on those that war for a placket. I have said my prayers; and devil Envy say 'Amen.' What ho! my Lord Achilles!

What's this, Thersites!What, lost in the

maze of your anger?Shall the thick skinned clumsy Ajax have the better of it

in this way?He beats me, and I shout at him.Well that's a great comfort!

I wish it was different: that I could beat him, whilst he shouted at me!

By God, I'll learn magic and summon devils, I'll get some result from my

spiteful curses.Then there's Achilles, what a plotter!If Troy

can't be beaten until these two defeat her, she'll stand there

until her walls crumble and fall by themselves.Oh. you great thunder-

thrower on Olympus, forget that you are Jove, the king of

gods, and, Mercury, may you lose all the power of your snake-wrapped wand,

if you can't deprive these two of what little intelligence they have!

Useless ignorance itself can see how stupid they are,

they couldn't save a fly from a spider without lugging out their great swords

and chopping away at the web.And after that, take revenge

on the whole army!Actually, give them all the clap!For that, I think,

is the curse that will fall on those who go to war for a bit of skirt.

I have said my prayers, and the demon Envy says, "Amen!"

Hello there!My lord Achilles!

Enter PATROCLUS

PATROCLUS.

Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and

rail.

Who's that?Thersites!Good Thersites, come in and attack us.

THERSITES.

If I could 'a rememb'red a gilt counterfeit, thou

wouldst not have slipp'd out of my contemplation; but it is no

matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly

and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! Heaven bless thee from

a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy

direction till thy death. Then if she that lays thee out says

thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and sworn upon't she never

shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where's Achilles?

If I could have remembered a worthless fake,

I would have included you in my curses.Never mind,

just be yourself!May you have a great quantity of

the common curse of mankind, stupidity and ignorance!

May heaven protect you from teachers, don't let instruction

come near you!Let your passions rule over you until you die,

then if the woman who prepares you for the grave says

that you are a good looking corpse I'll swear to it that she

had only ever laid out lepers before.Amen.Where's Achilles?

PATROCLUS.

What, art thou devout? Wast thou in prayer?

What, are you pious?Were you praying?

THERSITES.

Ay, the heavens hear me!

Yes, may the gods hear me!

PATROCLUS.

Amen.

Amen.

Enter ACHILLES

ACHILLES.

Who's there?

Who's there?

PATROCLUS.

Thersites, my lord.

Thersites, my lord.

ACHILLES.

Where, where? O, where? Art thou come? Why, my cheese, my

digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so

many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?

Where, where?Oh, where?Have you come?Why, my after dinner treat,

why haven't you appeared at my mealtimes for so long?

Come, tell me who Agmemnon is.

THERSITES.

Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what's

Achilles?

Your commander, Achilles.Then tell me, Patroclus, who is Achilles?

PATROCLUS.

Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what's

Thersites?

Your lord, Thersites.So tell me, please, who is Thersites?

THERSITES.