The Commitment (The Unrestrained #2) (34 page)

"You don't need to reestablish anything. You don't need D/s to keep me at arm's length. We've been so happy. We don't need an agreement."

"We do.
I
do," he said, his voice exasperated. "I'm a Dominant, Katherine. I was when you met me. I am
now
. I need an agreement to keep myself in control. I loosened my control because of you, I opened up and let you in, and this is what happened. Now, I have no choice."

"Did you hear what you said?" I craned my neck to see his face. "You confirmed that you use D/s to keep people out of your life. You
let
me in. Don't shut me out now. I'm not
just
one of your subs."

He shook his head and it was as if he wasn't listening or didn't hear me. "I have no choice."

He said it with such finality that I knew he was going to go through with it. I gave in at that point, my body going limp. I didn’t say anything. I waited.

He appeared to sense the fight was all gone from me and started stroking my behind again. Was he trying to decide whether to go through with this? He was touching me so gently, I couldn't imagine he'd hit me to punish me at that point.

It was then I sensed that the fight was all out of
him
as well. His hand stopped moving and he exhaled heavily. Then, to my complete surprise, he removed his leg from across mine and released me. I scrambled up and stood in front of him, my legs all wobbly from adrenaline.

He got up and went to the chair where his clothes were folded and he dressed. I followed him as he went to the hall closet and took out his coat.

"What are you doing?"

He slipped on his coat and then his boots, not meeting my eyes.

"Drake," I said, panicking. "What are you
doing
?"

"I don't know what to do any longer," he said, fatigue in his voice. "No matter what I do, it'll be wrong. If I spank you, you'll hate me. If I don't, you'll think I'm weak and despise me. I can't win." With that, he went to the door and opened it. "So, I'm going out."

"Where?"

"I don't know."

He left. I opened the door and followed him to the elevator.

"Don't go," I said, reaching out for him. "Not now. Not like this. We have to figure this out."

He sidestepped me, avoiding my touch. "I don't know what to do," he said, shaking his head, his face really pale. He looked completely defeated. "Don't follow me."

The elevator doors closed and I stood there, mute, in total shock.

I went back inside the apartment and closed the door, leaning against it, completely confused. Everything was now totally fucked up. I had no idea how to make it right again.

I went to the bed and threw myself down across it, dissolving into tears.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Drake was out all evening. I waited, giving him some time to mull things over before I texted him, but after a couple of hours, I was almost desperate to contact him.

Drake, please, come back. I can't stand this. I admitted I was wrong, and that I should have told you right away. I promise that from now on, I
will
tell you everything right away and be completely honest with you. I need you. I want only you…

There was no reply for about fifteen minutes, but then a single line:

I'm staying at 8
^th
Avenue for the night.

I shook my head, unable to believe that this had turned into such a disaster of a day. Here, I'd been so happy, looking forward to Drake feeling better and our encounter later after a nap and Dave had to call Drake and tell him about the picture of Kurt and I at the fundraiser. I texted him back, having little hope it would work.

Please don't do this. I can't stand not having you beside me.

His response came in a few moments:

I need time alone to figure this out. Don't come here.

I probably should have given in at that point, but I couldn't hold back:

Drake, there's nothing to figure out. If you stay away now, you'll put a wall up between us.
Don't
. We might never be able to break it down and we'll become strangers. Please come back home now and let's see this through tonight. I can't imagine not being with you. I can't imagine not being able to reach out and touch you.

He didn't reply after a couple of minutes and so I made a decision. I was going to 8
^th
Avenue if he wasn't coming home. I put my phone in my bag and got dressed as quickly as I could, throwing some jeans on beneath my black nightie and a sweater over top, pulled on my coat and scarf, boots and mitts, and grabbed my bag. I didn't tell him I was coming over because I didn’t want him to up and leave. I just went.

After walking a few blocks, needing the cold air to clear my head, I grabbed a taxi and told the driver the address on 8
^th
Avenue. When I arrived, I stood on the street and glanced up at the top floor of the building. There were no lights on, and so I had no idea if he was even there or if that was a story he was telling me to keep me away.

Regardless, I had a key and so I went into the building and climbed the three flights to the top floor. I stood outside the door and listened, but there was no sound coming from inside.

I slipped the key in the lock and turned it – the chain lock was off, and so I suspected that he wasn't there. I entered, took off my boots and walked through the apartment, but it was empty. He either wasn't there yet or wasn't coming, and gave me that address to throw me off his trail.

I sat in the darkness on the old sagging couch in the cramped living room, surrounded by Liam's boxed possessions, and debated what to do. He could be
anywhere
. At a bar drinking with Dave, at some former submissive's apartment getting a condolence fuck. I had no idea where he might be. I didn't know him well enough to think of possible locations.

The 8
^th
Avenue apartment held so many good memories for me. We'd met there when we were seeing each other in secret and it was there Drake introduced me to D/s, bondage and his desires. I'd been so happy with him once I stopped judging myself and let our relationship happen.

Now, I'd fucked it up thoroughly.

I went to the sound system and slipped a DVD into the player. It was a mix CD with music from the 60s – Drake's favorite. The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Yardbirds – I sat in the darkened apartment and listened to the music, thinking about Drake and his father and my heart ached with regret.

I tried to understand how Drake was feeling. He actually thought I'd
fuck
Kurt? How could he even imagine I'd do that? I was one of the least promiscuous women I knew of all my friends growing up. I could count my lovers on one hand. I was far too shy about sex to just sleep with a man, even one I'd already had sex with.

Didn't Drake understand that? How could he
begin
to think I'd sleep with Kurt? Out of the blue?

I didn’t understand a man's mind if that was the case. I thought Drake was so intelligent and rational. I thought he knew me better than that.

If anyone was going to cheat, it would be him who grew tired of me.

I sat in the darkness and cried to myself, wiping away my tears. Now, I had no idea where Drake was or if he'd left me forever. I heard a blip on my phone indicating a text and grabbed my bag, rifling through the contents to find my phone.

It was my father.

Katie, where are you? Drake called here looking for you. It's not like you to take off and not tell anyone where you are. Are you two having a lover's quarrel? Is everything OK?

I'll tell you the same thing I told Drake – take my advice and make up quickly. Don't sleep apart because of a disagreement – not even one night. Your mother and I did that too many times and now I regret every night I spent away from her. As much as I love Elaine, your mother was the love of my life. I thought we'd grow old together. I had no idea she'd be taken from me so soon.

Text me as soon as you get this. And for God's sake, text Drake because he's very upset.

There was no text from Drake and so I wondered why he'd call my father. He must have gone back to the apartment in Chelsea and found that I wasn't there. He must have panicked, thinking I'd left
him
.

I texted him, not caring that it was me who was making the first contact between us.

Drake, I came to 8
^th
Avenue looking for you. I'm still here. Come to me. I don’t want to ever be apart from you. Not one night. I love you.

I waited, anxious for his reply. If he'd seemed upset to my father, surely he'd be happy to hear from me. When his text came, I had to read it over several times.

Katherine, I want you waiting for me, blindfolded, naked, kneeling on the floor by the bed. I'm going to spank you. And then I'm going to fuck you. You're going to take it without complaint.

Do you understand?

What
? He was going to
spank
me? I thought we'd already gone through all this. He was going to spank me? He wanted to do a scene?

All I wanted was to be with him. I wanted us to be together. He wanted to reestablish our power exchange. He really
did
think he'd been too lenient with me and that was the problem.

I sat debating with myself. Should I just take it, like he said? If I didn’t, would that mean our relationship was over? Could I make my own demands or was this a time to submit?

I was so confused.

I don't want you to spank me.

His response was immediate.

Of course you don't but I have to. Trust me on this, Katherine.

I chewed my nail, debating.

What if I break up with you because of it?

He texted right back.

We'll break up if I don't. I realize now that this relationship won't work unless we follow the rules we drew up and committed to when we signed the agreement. The rules are there for a reason. Both of us need them. We can't be just a vanilla couple. I can't be a vanilla boyfriend, Katherine. I might try, but I'd fail and you'd eventually be dissatisfied. I'm a Dominant and you want submission in the bedroom, even if you haven't completely accepted what that means yet. We have to follow the rules or neither of us will be happy.

If you love me – if you really love
me
– the Dominant I am inside – you'll accept this and obey just as I have to accept that you really want submission underneath your uncertainty. You need my dominance to feel free.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip. Could I accept his command and obey? If I did, what would that mean?

Oh,
fuck
. I analyzed things too much. I had to go with my heart and my heart screamed that I couldn’t stand to lose Drake. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him. When I signed the agreement in the hotel room in the Bahamas, I
did
agree that he could punish me if I disobeyed his rules. He had every right to expect me to be completely open and honest about anything to do with our relationship. That was a necessity for power exchange to work. Trust. I
had
kept something from him, three things from him – deliberately.

I will obey.

It took a minute for him to respond, as if he didn't believe I'd agree.

Be waiting for me as I described. Be prepared to be spanked, Katherine. Then, be prepared to be fucked. I'll be there in 15.

I went to the bedroom, undressed despite the chill in the air, knelt on a pillow by the head of the bed, fastened a tie around my eyes to act as a blindfold, and waited.