The Collected Shorter Plays (21 page)

GORMAN

[
old man’s cracked voice, frequent pauses for breath even in the middle of a word, speech indistinct for want of front teeth, whistling sibilants
] There we go, bust again. [
Sound of lid raised. Scraping inside box
.] Cursed bloody music! [
Scraping. Creaking of handle. Thumps on box. The mechanism starts off again
.] Ah about time! [
Tune resumes. 10 seconds. Sound of faltering steps approaching
.]

CREAM

[
old man’s cracked voice, stumbling speech, pauses in the middle of sentences, whistling sibilants due to ill-fitting denture
] Well, if it isn’t—[
the tune stops
]—Gorman my old friend Gorman, do you recognize me Cream father of the judge, Cream you remember Cream.

GORMAN

Mr. Cream! Well, I’ll be! Mr. Cream! [
Pause
.] Sit you down, sit you down, here, there. [
Pause
.] Great weather for the time of day Mr. Cream, eh.

CREAM

My old friend Gorman, it’s a sight to see you again after all these years, all these years.

GORMAN

Yes indeed, Mr. Cream, yes indeed, that’s the way it is. [
Pause
.] And you, tell me.

CREAM

I was living with my daughter and she died, then I came here to live with the other.

GORMAN

Miss Miss what?

CREAM

Bertha. You know she got married, yes, Moody the nurseryman, two children.

GORMAN

Grand match, Mr. Cream, grand match, more power to you. But tell me then the poor soul she was taken then was she.

CREAM

Malignant, tried everything, lingered three years, that’s how it goes, the young pop off and the old hang on.

GORMAN

Ah dear oh dear Mr. Cream, dear oh dear.
[
Pause
.]

CREAM

And you your wife?

GORMAN

Still in it, still in it, but for how long.

CREAM

Poor Daisy yes.

GORMAN

Had she children?

CREAM

Three, three children, Johnny, the eldest, then Ronnie, then a baby girl, Queenie, my favourite, Queenie, a baby girl.

GORMAN

Darling name.

CREAM

She’s so quick for her years you wouldn’t believe it, do you know what she came out with to me the other day ah only the other day poor Daisy.

GORMAN

And your son-in-law?

CREAM

Eh?

GORMAN

Ah dear oh dear, Mr. Cream, dear oh dear. [
Pause
.] Ah yes children that’s the way it is. [
Roar of motor engine
.] They’d tear you to flitters with their flaming machines.

CREAM

Shocking crossing, sudden death.

GORMAN

As soon as look at you, tear you to flitters.

CREAM

Ah in our time Gorman this was the outskirts, you remember, peace and quiet.

GORMAN

Do I remember, fields it was, fields, bluebells, over there, on the bank, bluebells. When you think. . . . [
Suddenly complete silence. 10 seconds. The tune resumes, falters, stops. Silence. The street noises resume
.] Ah the horses, the carriages, and the
barouches, ah the barouches, all that’s the dim distant past, Mr. Cream.

CREAM

And the broughams, remember the broughams, there was style for you, the broughams.
[
Pause
.]

GORMAN

The first car I remember I saw it here, here, on the corner, a Pic-Pic she was.

CREAM

Not a Pic-Pic, Gorman, not a Pic-Pic, a Dee Dyan Button.

GORMAN

A Pic-Pic, a Pic-Pic, don’t I remember it well, just as I was coming out of Swan’s the bookseller’s beyond there on the corner, Swan’s the bookseller’s that was, just as I was coming out with a rise of fourpence ah there wasn’t much money in it in those days.

CREAM

A Dee Dyan, a Dee Dyan.

GORMAN

You had to work for your living in those days, it wasn’t at six you knocked off, nor at seven neither, eight it was, eight o’clock, yes by God. [
Pause
.] Where was I? [
Pause
.] Ah yes eight o’clock as I was coming out of Swan’s there was the crowd gathered and the car wheeling round the bend.

CREAM

A Dee Dyan Gorman, a Dee Dyan, I can remember the man himself from Wougham he was the vintner what’s this his name was.

GORMAN

Bush, Seymour Bush.

CREAM

Bush that’s the man.

GORMAN

One way or t’other, Mr. Cream, one way or t’other no matter it wasn’t the likes of nowadays, their flaming machines they’d tear you to shreds.

CREAM

My dear Gorman do you know what it is I’m going to tell you, all this speed do you know what it is has the whole place ruinated, no living with it any more, the whole place ruinated, even the weather. [
Roar of engine
.] Ah when you think of the springs in our time remember the springs we had, the heat there was in them, and the summers remember the summers would destroy you with the heat.

GORMAN

Do I remember, there was one year back there seems like yesterday must have been round 95 when we were still out at Cruddy, didn’t we water the roof of the house every evening with the rubber jet to have a bit of cool in the night, yes summer 95.

CREAM

That would surprise me Gorman, remember in those days the rubber hose was a great luxury a great luxury, wasn’t till after the war the rubber hose.

GORMAN

You may be right.

CREAM

No may be about it. I tell you the first we ever had round here was in Drummond’s place, old Da Drummond, that was after the war 1920 maybe, still very exorbitant it was at the time, don’t you remember watering out of the can you must with that bit of garden you had didn’t you, wasn’t it your father owned that patch out on the Marston Road.

GORMAN

The Sheen Road Mr. Cream but true for you the watering you’re right there, me and me hose how are you when we had no running water at the time or had we.

CREAM

The Sheen Road, that’s the one out beyond Shackleton’s sawpit.

GORMAN

We didn’t get it in till 1925 now it comes back to me the wash-hand basin and jug.
[
Roar of engine
.]

CREAM

The Sheen Road you saw what they’ve done to that I was out on it yesterday with the son-in-law, you saw what they’ve done our little gardens and the grand sloe hedges.

GORMAN

Yes all those gazebos springing up like thistles there’s trash for you if you like, collapse if you look at them am I right.

CREAM

Collapse is the word, when you think of the good stone made the cathedrals nothing to come up to it.

GORMAN

And on top of all no foundations, no cellars, no nothing, how are you going to live without cellars I ask you, on piles if you don’t mind, piles, like in the lake age, there’s progress for you.

CREAM

Ah Gorman you haven’t changed a hair, just the same old wag he always was. Getting on for seventy-five is it?

GORMAN

Seventy-three, seventy-three, soon due for the knock.

CREAM

Now Gorman none of that, none of that, and me turning seventy-six, you’re a young man Gorman.

GORMAN

Ah Mr. Cream, always a great one for a crack.

CREAM

Here Gorman while we’re at it have a fag, here. [
Pause
.] The daughter must have whipped them again, doesn’t want me to be smoking, mind her own damn business. [
Pause
.] Ah I have them, here, have one.

GORMAN

I wouldn’t leave you short.

CREAM

Short for God’s sake, here, have one.
[
Pause
.]

GORMAN

They’re packed so tight they won’t come out.

CREAM

Take hold of the packet. [
Pause
.] Ah what ails me all bloody thumbs. Can you pick it up.
[
Pause
.]

GORMAN

Here we are. [
Pause
.] Ah yes a nice puff now and again but it’s not what it was their gaspers now not worth a fiddler’s, remember in the forces the shag remember the black shag that was tobacco for you.

CREAM

Ah the black shag my dear Gorman the black shag, fit for royalty the black shag fit for royalty. [
Pause
.] Have you a light on you.

GORMAN

Well then I haven’t, the wife doesn’t like me to be smoking.
[
Pause
.]

CREAM

Must have whipped my lighter too the bitch, my old tinder jizzer.

GORMAN

Well no matter I’ll keep it and have a draw later on.

CREAM

The bitch sure as a gun she must have whipped it too that’s going beyond the beyonds, beyond the beyonds, nothing you can call your own. [
Pause
.] Perhaps we might ask this gentleman. [
Footsteps approach
.] Beg your pardon Sir trouble you for a light.
[
Footsteps recede
.]

GORMAN

Ah the young nowadays Mr. Cream very wrapped up they are the young nowadays, no thought for the old. When you think,
when you think. . . . [
Suddenly complete silence. 10 seconds. The tune resumes, falters, stops. Silence. The street noises resume
.] Where were we? [
Pause
.] Ah yes the forces, you went in in 1900, 1900, 1902, am I right?

CREAM

1903, 1903, and you 1906 was it?

GORMAN

1906 yes at Chatham.

CREAM

The Gunners?

GORMAN

The Foot, the Foot.

CREAM

But the Foot wasn’t Chatham don’t you remember, there it was the Gunners, you must have been at Caterham, Caterham, the Foot.

GORMAN

Chatham I tell you, isn’t it like yesterday, Morrison’s pub on the corner.

CREAM

Harrison’s. Harrison’s Oak Lounge, do you think I don’t know Chatham. I used to go there on holiday with Mrs. Cream, I know Chatham backwards Gorman, inside and out, Harrison’s Oak Lounge on the corner of what was the name of the street, on a rise it was, it’ll come back to me, do you think I don’t know Harrison’s Oak Lounge there on the corner of dammit I’ll forget my own name next and the square it’ll come back to me.

GORMAN

Morrison or Harrison we were at Chatham.

CREAM

That would surprise me greatly, the Gunners were Chatham do you not remember that?

GORMAN

I was in the Foot, at Chatham, in the Foot.

CREAM

The Foot, that’s right the Foot at Chatham.

GORMAN

That’s what I’m telling you, Chatham the Foot.

CREAM

That would surprise me greatly, you must have it mucked up with the war, the mobilization.

GORMAN

The mobilization have a heart it’s as clear in my mind as yesterday the mobilization, we were shifted straight away to Chesham, was it, no, Chester, that’s the place, Chester, there was Morrison’s pub on the corner and a chamber-maid what was her name, Joan, Jean, Jane, the very start of the war when
we still didn’t believe it, Chester, ah those are happy memories.

CREAM

Happy memories, happy memories, I wouldn’t go so far as that.

GORMAN

I mean the start up, the start up at Chatham, we still didn’t believe it, and that chamber-maid what was her name it’ll come back to me. [
Pause
.] And your son by the same token.
[
Roar of engine
.]